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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My bastard of a partner is watching porn whilst I struggle to feed our baby

30 replies

Delski · 21/06/2011 22:56

Recently had a baby and I'm struggling to fed him, partner no help.
Tonight I said I'd feed him upstairs then go to bed, partner was going to do some paperwork, I fed my baby got ready for bed and but telly on as a little background noise helps me drop off. I turn on and he's watching the adult channel babe something or other, I sneak downstairs and he's masterbating.
I screamed he was a pervert and gone to sleep in the baby's room. I don't want to see or talk to him. AIBU to feel like this. I tired very weepy and strutting to feed bubba.

OP posts:
Original poster
Delski · 21/06/2011 22:58

Sorry for typos using my phone

OP posts:
worraliberty · 21/06/2011 22:58

YABU unless you asked him to help you feed the baby?

Anyway, masturbating doesn't make anyone a pervert...male or female Sad

Northernlurker · 21/06/2011 22:58

If you are unhappy with him watching porn then you need to talk to him about unsubscribing. I don't think masturbating by itself is a huge problem is it? If you are breastfeeding then there's not a huge amount he can do to help anyway.

StealthPolarBear · 21/06/2011 23:00

What problems are you having OP? Can we at least help with those?

EricNorthmansMistress · 21/06/2011 23:01

YANBU to feel unsupported by him. The porn/masturbating is a red herring, he's not a pervert for masturbating nor for enjoying porn, but it sounds like you feel he should be helping you more.

How many weeks is the baby? Are you getting proper support to improve the feeding issues? How could your partner help? I assume you're breastfeeding, so you may need to be very specific about what he needs to do to support you (unless he's actively being unsupportive in which case that's a different problem)

The months after having a baby can be pretty turbulent in every way, not least emotionally and sometimes I think we have to be very clear about what we need, rather than have general 'you bastard' type rants (tempting as they are)

The breastfeeding board is great for advice, by the way.

ZillionChocolate · 21/06/2011 23:01

YANBU to feel upset and disappointed at his lack of support for you. I hope he will be shocked into modifying his behaviour.

Original poster
Delski · 21/06/2011 23:01

He knows I don't like porn and I've no problem usually with him masterbating but I've been in tears all night trying to feed the baby he knew that, but still had to watch porn.

OP posts:
StealthPolarBear · 21/06/2011 23:02

yes, I understand OP :( Different priorities

Northernlurker · 21/06/2011 23:03

So the issue is that he is thinking about himself and not about you and the baby? I agree the porn is a red herring really.

Tomorrow you need to sit down and tell him you need to feel he is with you in this.

worraliberty · 21/06/2011 23:03

Maybe he didn't have to watch it but sometimes feeding can leave a DP feeling a bit like a spare part...and having a baby in the house is exhausting for both of you.

Watching a little soft porn on TV (cos that's all it is) was probably just his way of release.

Original poster
Delski · 21/06/2011 23:04

No I've no support, family are far away we are mew to the area.
Bubba won't always latch on and I feel if he doesn't have feed he will starve, silly I know but I'm a new parent.

OP posts:
StealthPolarBear · 21/06/2011 23:06

OK, how old is he? Are you still seeing your MW every day? Has your milk come in? Is he weeing lots and pooing quite often? Do you have any other reason to be concerned about him?

DogsBestFriend · 21/06/2011 23:06

Insensitive yes, a pervert, no. TALK to him lovey, screaming won't help, honestly.

I have never been in your situation but being an MNer has taught me that finding a DP/DH watching porn can seriously distress some women though others are cool with it, knowing that it's no threat to their relationship.

Let's get to the bottom of what's troubling you. The porn per se or that he's watching whilst you are a new mum? Or that he's watching whilst you are struggling to feed? I take it that you're breastfeeding? Are you having difficulty? Because if so the ladies on here can help (I can't I FF), which may make you feel less like you're struggling.

StealthPolarBear · 21/06/2011 23:06

Was he full term? Was he jaundiced?

Original poster
Delski · 21/06/2011 23:07

I try not to make him a spare part and involve him but basically he's not interested. He's never changed him or gets up in the night with him, yes I know he works and I stay at home but a little help would be so good from him.

OP posts:
EricNorthmansMistress · 21/06/2011 23:08

Ok so what Real Life help are you getting with feeding?

Have you posted on the breastfeeding topic for advice?

How old is the baby? Is he gaining weight nicely, enough wet/dirty nappies? Are your nipples sore?

Have you told him what help you need? Just to make a cup of tea and give you a foot rub, chat to you while you feed, bring you the TV remote, a magazine etc before he disappears off for a wank they can all help when you are feeding. I struggled with mine and I remember finding it terribly difficult - H watching me in tears while DS refused to latch, I know he felt completely useless and spare.

Original poster
Delski · 21/06/2011 23:09

Bubba is 4 months old and seems perfectly healthy, I'm just a worrier.

OP posts:
worraliberty · 21/06/2011 23:10

He does need to support you. I agree with others who have said the porn is the red herring really.

Does he know how you feel? I mean sometimes as new Mums we can go into overdrive and look as though we are coping much better than we really are.

Do you try to include him? Some Dad's panic and end up leaving things to the Mum because they have little confidence in themselves.

Original poster
Delski · 21/06/2011 23:12

No I have not posted on there, not sure how mumsnet works yet.
He's not a heavy baby but not skinny either. Plenty of dirty nappies and very sore nipples, spoke to MW who just tells me to either carry on or go on formula. I'm trying my best but sometimes doesn't seem to be enough.

OP posts:
Original poster
Delski · 21/06/2011 23:13

I always include him I have from the day I found out we was pregnant.

OP posts:
Northernlurker · 21/06/2011 23:14

Well congratulations on joining the league of mumsnetters who have been given shit advice from healthcare professionals.

Who has watched you latch on? You could do with some specific breastfeeding support I think.

worraliberty · 21/06/2011 23:14

You'll find loads of help on here re breast feeding...so you've come to the right place Smile

Dipinted · 21/06/2011 23:14

Disgusting behaviour on his part OP. I feel for you.

You sound like you are having a very hard time, while he sits about with his dick out.

I hope that as above, you are getting some help with BF issues, but he sounds vile.

"Have you told him what help you need?"

How about he doesn't sit about, thinking through his cock and wanking and actually goes to ask her without being told/asked?

He isn't stupid, I assume, so can presumably tell that she is the mother of a 4 month old and more than likely would like her husband to just do something rather than sitting about masturbating,

fifitot · 21/06/2011 23:15

You need some breastfeeding help. Shouldn't be sore. Go on the feeding board for advice, phone a helpline, go to a BF support group.

FWIW I think I would be pissed off if I was struggling to feed a baby and husband masturbating to porn. He could be making you a cup of tea at least!

Hope you get things sorted out. BF can be hard at first.

Northernlurker · 21/06/2011 23:16

Sorry just noticed that he is 4 months. It's really impressive actually that you're still feeding him even with these problems and that he is gaining weight etc. Well done Smile