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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to want to take partner to DC sports day when XH will be there (and probably have a face on)

40 replies

MrsS01 · 21/06/2011 18:39

Been divorced for 9 yrs since DC was a baby (XH had affair and walked out on us). Always asked XH to attend parents eve, school stuff and he usually has (although he's usually miserable, hardly saying anything to me), but I've put on a brave face for DC's sake. Now in a happy relationship (though only 5 mths) and DC likes new partner. New partner wants to go to DC's sports day and I'd like him to go to sports day. I know if new partner goes XH will have a face on, although he will have one on with me anyway. However am worried it'll cause friction and problems for DC. What would you do?

OP posts:
Mutt · 21/06/2011 18:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

fairydoll · 21/06/2011 18:42

I totally agree with Mutt

Ormirian · 21/06/2011 18:43

"However am worried it'll cause friction and problems for DC. " There you are then. There's your answer.

CurrySpice · 21/06/2011 18:43

So do I. I think 5 months in is a bit soon tbh.

Why do you want him to go? To make a point?

worraliberty · 21/06/2011 18:45

I wouldn't bring your boyfriend along as it's bound to make your child feel uneasy seeing his dad with a 'face on' and feeling the tention.

Perhaps think about it next year, if you're still together.

LittleMissFlustered · 21/06/2011 18:45

It's about your kids, not your partner. He has no need to be there.

Seona1973 · 21/06/2011 18:51

so your dc is 9 then? Do they want your DP to go to the sports day? At 9 they are old enough to have a say too.

Original poster
MrsS01 · 21/06/2011 18:51

Thanks, that was my gut feeling - next year. But thought it was nice of partner to want to go.

XH just p's me off as he'll be miserable, making me miserable.

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsS01 · 21/06/2011 18:52

Seona - I haven't asked him. I know he likes my partner. He'd probably say yes if I asked him, but hasn't asked if he's going as he know he works.

OP posts:
Pagwatch · 21/06/2011 18:52

Someone you have been seeing for 5 months may be the start of a long term relationship but they shouldn't be of any significance to your child yet and so shouldn't go in a role which is really for parents or, at a push, grandparents.

And the fact that the tension could affect your dcs should cause you to dismiss the idea immediately.

You must miss watching these events with someone to elbow and chat about how fantastic your dcs are Smile . That is an understandable wish.
But really, no.

fatlazymummy · 21/06/2011 19:50

It is nice of your new partner but it is still very early days. There will be other opportunities for him to take an interest in your son's school activities without causing tension.

JudysJudgement · 21/06/2011 19:55

stop using your kid as a pawn in your silly games

Seona1973 · 21/06/2011 20:16

if he is at work then I wouldnt bother asking him to take the day off for sports day. Dh hasnt been to any of the sports days but does make time to go to other occasions that are of more importance such as ds's nursery graduation and to see dd get her awards at the end of year prize giving service.

Original poster
MrsS01 · 21/06/2011 20:22

judysjudgement - i think thats an unkind comment. You don't know me or what my XH has put my child and me through. I've never played silly games or used my kid as a pawn. I've always put my DC 1st even though my XH is vile to me and always puts himself before his DC, I don't let my DC see how this upset me. And even though my XH says bad things about me I never badmouth him to my DC.

I asked for comments of what other mums would do in my situation, not to be judged.

OP posts:
HappyMummyOfOne · 22/06/2011 19:36

I'd ask your sons dad if he wants to go, he's the parent after all and should get the chance to see his son at sports day if he wishes.

Given you've already introduced your son to a new partner very early into dating, you run the risk of hurting him if the relationship goes belly up in the near future so asking him to significant parenting events over your ex is very wrong.

Your son should not be placed in the situation of choosing his dad or your boyfriend or feeling even slightly uncomfortable.

lunar1 · 22/06/2011 20:53

Why would you introduce your child to a partner of only 5 months?

AmberLeaf · 22/06/2011 20:58

How is your DP so well aquainted with your DC, enough to want to come to sports day after such a short relationship?

Too soon for the whole thing IMO

xstitch · 22/06/2011 21:09

I agree with people saying that 5months is too soon.

If its any consolation my XH moans about me going to things as he doesn't want me there, gives me vile looks and makes even more vile comments. The trick is to ignore, smile and enjoy the sports day no matter how grumpy your ex is.

EvenLessNarkyPuffin · 22/06/2011 21:25

'Why would you introduce your child to a partner of only 5 months?'

After how long would it be acceptable Lunar1?

OP, I think that it's probably better not to take your DP. I would take a friend/relative for support though, as it sounds like your ex takes it as an opportunity to be an arse to you. If you take your DP, your ex will get the argument he wants, as your DP will naturally be protective and likely to react to any verbal attacks on you. If you take eg a female friend and have a great time and pretend you're unaware of his presence you'll deny him the rise he's trying to get from you.

brickingit · 22/06/2011 21:55

DC comes 1st; what's more, however much DC might like NP, he / she will still probably be worried that your new relationship might undermine his / her relationship with XH. Sports Day friction would exacerbate this. NP stays away ...

brickingit · 22/06/2011 21:56

DC comes 1st; what's more, however much DC might like NP, he / she will still probably be worried that your new relationship might undermine his / her relationship with XH. Sports Day friction would exacerbate this. NP stays away ...

TidyDancer · 22/06/2011 21:57

I think it's lovely that your partner would like to be there, but given the circumstances, it would probably be best for him not to be there.

MissVerinder · 22/06/2011 22:00

What TIDY said.

fuckmepinkandCALLmegoran · 22/06/2011 22:04

I am in a similar situation although a bit further down the line.

Me and DP are just over a year together and it's sports day at DD2 school. And prize day - all on the one day.

XH is going to be there, but DP is also going, if he can make it.

DD asked DP to go, she wants him to go and see her, so if he can manage it he will be there.

But he's going because she wants him there, not because ex is going to be there, if that makes any sense at all

Original poster
MrsS01 · 23/06/2011 12:55

Happymumofone - my XH is going to sports day, I always ask him to DC stuff.

Happymumofone/Lunar/Amber/- the reason we've have to introduce children into the mix already is I have my DC 24/7 and he has his children 24/7. We have very little outside support/help. If children weren't around we would never be able to see each other.

Lunar/Amberleaf -have you been a LP and in met someone? If so, when did you introduce children?

OP posts:
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