AIBU to want to take partner to DC sports day when XH will be there (and probably have a face on)

[MrsS01]

Been divorced for 9 yrs since DC was a baby (XH had affair and walked out on us). Always asked XH to attend parents eve, school stuff and he usually has (although he's usually miserable, hardly saying anything to me), but I've put on a brave face for DC's sake. Now in a happy relationship (though only 5 mths) and DC likes new partner. New partner wants to go to DC's sports day and I'd like him to go to sports day. I know if new partner goes XH will have a face on, although he will have one on with me anyway. However am worried it'll cause friction and problems for DC. What would you do?

I waited 2 years OP

I wouldn't do the sports day thing because, if there was any kind of atmosphere, it would be your children getting embarrassed. But I think, nine years down the track, it is time to stop walking on eggshells around an ex or letting his behaviour upset you. The sulky stuff at parents' evenings has to stop and he's going to have to accept new partners with good grace. A 'crisis meeting' to clear the air perhaps?

Not been the parent mrsso1, ive been the child and still resent it 21 years later. I will always put my children first.

Lunar - good to get a child's perspective (i don't mean that to sound patronising). What do you resent - being introduced to a new partner?

Somebody is not a "partner" after 5 months.

Really seeker? I was engaged to my dh after 3 months and we're still happy together 8 years down the line

my mum was remarried within 6 months, made us call him dad about 8 weeks after her leaving my dad. I just wish she had let us settle into our new house and school and not imposed someone else on us for at least a year, preferably 2 or 3.

I know it must be difficult, but my brother and I were affected for years. The sad thing is my stepdad is a wonderful person and i wouldnt be without him now.If my mum had taken time, allowed us to grieve our own family and gradually done things over a few years it would have saved years of misery for us all.

DH and I were engaged after 6 weeks, been together 23 years and married almost 21.
OP is hardly newly divorced and a 9 year old is going to know that his mum has a boy friend and expect to meet him.
As to sports day, if new partner is likely to be long term and DS wants him to go then I think there comes a time when XDH will have to accept that his Xwife has the right to form a new family unit, after all he choose to leave 9 years ago.

Sorry you said DC, I just assumed DS because my similar aged DD would have organised all the adults involved and there would have been no need to ask the question.

lunar - for background info into mysituation, I've been divorced for 9 years. In that time I have only introduced my DS to 2 boyfriends. We are definitely not rushing into getting married or moving in together and I would never ask my DS to call him dad as he already has a dad.

Startail - sorry, I meant DS. Thanks for your support.

I have tried to arrange a meeting to talk to XH about a few issues, my boyfriend included, ie, to reassure him he won't be taking his place. He hasn't responded to text as he has no credit. But no matter how reasonable I try to be he continues to be a complete knob! He just dropped DS off after his weekly 2 hour visit (thats his choice, I would willingly grant more) and he didn't say one word just drove off! How am I to be reasonable when he's like that?

I do masses for my DSSs but I never go to their school events unless neither of their parents are available to do so.

I wouldnt take new partner. I feels inappropriate to me especially since youve only been together a short while. If i was ex husband i would be pissed off if you took new boyfriend to our childs sports day, its a parents and kids event really. How would you henestly feel if he brought new girlfriend along.

My ex (and his lovely wife) and my DH and me all attend DD's events if we can (sports days, birthdays when she was younger etc) but we can genuinely get on.

OTOH, I miss all of DSS's events because his mother might make a scene. (And I am not the OW or anything). His mother (or rather her feelings) comes first, IMO, as DSS wouldn't want her to be upset and I wouldn't want to divide his loyalties.

How am I to be reasonable when he's like that?

Because someone has to be the grown up, and it doesn't sound like it's going to be him.

Oaft!! Quite a lot of black and White views on grey spectrum situation.

I don't think anyone can pass judgment on when is the right time or what the right answer is without being there.

My xh left under a very dark cloud and I swore I would never fall for anyone again. A year later I met the man of my dreams and 6 years on we are very happy together still. I KNEW he was the one and my ds knew it too.

It's up to your kids. Be honest with them about your new relationship.
It's up to them if they want to invite anyone and if they do, everyone has to take it in the innocent context that the decision was made.
It's just a sports day FFS!!
There really are a lot of very harsh replys to a genuine question and to be honest they are embarrassing.

Support breeds good decisions, scorn and contempt breed bad feelings and decisions fuelled by emotion instead of ration