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AIBU?

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Original poster

to be pissed off that yet again DS1 has been left out?

59 replies

Hatesponge · 19/06/2011 20:42

Brief history: I split with Exp 3 years ago. We have DS2 who is now 10. DS1 who is 12, is my son from a previous partner. DS1 has never met his 'real' father, and as Exp was in his life from the age of 18 months, he has grown up calling him Dad etc, which Exp encouraged.

There were some issues when Exp and I were together, as I felt he didn't always treat DS1 the same as DS2. Since the split however things slowly got worse, culminating in last summer when Exp said he could only afford to take DS2 on holiday, and DS1 couldn't come. This wasn't true - he also paid for his GF and her 3 children to go. So he could have paid for DS1 but chose not to.

Since then, and after I told him if this continued I would think about stopping him from seeing both boys, he's behaved a bit better and made an equal effort with them. Until today when DS1 came home and said he'd been at his friends all day (had a sleepover last night). He was waiting for Exp to collect him but he never turned up, and he then called Exp's parents house (where Exp lives) who said he'd gone out for the day with DS2, GF and her children.

DS1 is really sad, and said he doesn't understand why his dad left him out, esp as it's fathers day and he thought the 3 of them would spend time together.

I've text Exp about it, however I doubt I'll get a reply. Feel v sorry for DS1 however.

OP posts:
duckdodgers · 19/06/2011 21:23

stallion "why should this man have to take another mans kid out if he isnt his dad?"

You really dont see an issue with a man who has acted as a Father for years anmd has been the only father this boy has ever known to suddenly start this nonsense? What about this little boys feelings here.

Original poster
Hatesponge · 19/06/2011 21:24

LeninGrad we did discuss him adopting DS1 when DS2 was a baby. I think from memory we thought about doing it when we got married, so we would all have the same surname (DS1 has my surname, DS2 has exp's). That was originally going to be a couple of years off, but then our relationship went downhill, and it never happened.

OP posts:
LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 19/06/2011 21:24

Sorry OP, that's really awful. What a nasty man he is. How can he do this to a child that he's called 'son' for so long. :(

LeninGrad · 19/06/2011 21:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 19/06/2011 21:27

fabby chic... The boy was 18 months old, what do you expect from him? Relationships do break up, it happens, but it's a very hard man who would renege on his relationship with a boy who has called him 'dad' for so long.

I think your posts to the OP on this thread are really harsh and unfair.

youarekidding · 19/06/2011 21:27

But he's taking and paying for GF 3 DC's to go out for the day and on holiday and he's not their father.

I agree legally he's doing nothing wrong but it's the morals here that are lacking.

Original poster
Hatesponge · 19/06/2011 21:28

He's just sent DS1 a text saying as he couldn't take him out today (no explanation as to why), would he like to go to Bluewater tomorrow evening while DS2 is at a sports class.

DS1 is really happy. My poor boy just wants his dad to include him.

OP posts:
chicletteeth · 19/06/2011 21:30

Yes OP, very few on here have no sympathy for your situation! Your poor DS1, I feel for the boy.

But YABU for threatening to cut off contact between DS2 and his dad.

corlan · 19/06/2011 21:31

Well that's something!

He may be a tosser but at least he is a tosser with a conscience - that will probably be his saving grace.

LeninGrad · 19/06/2011 21:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ZillionChocolate · 19/06/2011 21:34

I think you have to consider both of your sons' emotional wellbeing. It won't do DS2 any good to get preferential treatment and for his brother to be shut out. I hope the Bluewater offer is a sign of an improvement in exP's attitude.

Original poster
Hatesponge · 19/06/2011 21:40

I hope I have pricked his conscience - the text I sent him earlier said that DS1 was upset they couldn't spend Fathers Day together, and that I hoped he had (and would provide DS1 with) a reasonable explanation as to why that wasn't possible.

I do suspect this might be a bit to do with the GF though. She's not a fan of either of my boys (or vice versa). They haven't seen anything of her since before Xmas, and I assumed they'd split up.

OP posts:
Danthe4th · 19/06/2011 21:42

Do you think the girlfriend may have been having some influence in his decision?

somethingwitty82 · 19/06/2011 22:20

Exp is a fool and heartless if he can be so callous to someone who not so long ago was his son.

I know someone in a similar situation and he had to pay maintenance as the child was deemed by the courts to be 'a child of the family' and therefor the mans child as surely as an adopted child.

Hope his heart thaws

pigletmania · 19/06/2011 23:20

I think that people are forgetting that there is a little boy here who has only ever known this man as dad, you cannot through adult eyes expect him to turn off those feelings all of a sudden. He just sees it as his dad rejecting him, I think some of you need to look at it through the eyes of a child. I do not have any solutions, you cannot force your ex to have any contact with him, unfotunately its a very hard lesson that the boy has to learn about life and relationships, and just be there for him when he needs you.

BabyDubsEverywhere · 19/06/2011 23:31

So you split up when DS1 was 9ish then? Thats not that old really is it? I know its sad for your son, but he is not your Exp responsibility outside of a relatioship with you, and as that has been over for quite some time he doesnt have to take him anywhere.

You say one of the problems in the relationship was treating the boys differently. He obviously never felt as close to DS1 as you would have liked, but tbf that isnt really his fault either. Showing it to a child is not on under any circustance obviously, but the feelings are just as they are. He doesnt want a relationship with your son. He is being a dad to his own son by the sounds of it so not actually doing anything wrong.

I think you need to protect your DS1 feelings and stop his contact with your exp completely. He isnt his dad, if he cant see his own and has issues about this then that may need professional help but forcing a relationshop with an ex step dad wont really help him will it?

Original poster
Hatesponge · 19/06/2011 23:32

thanks piglet, that's pretty much how I see it. If DS1 was in contact with his 'real' dad, or if exp had been in his life for less time, or never encouraged DS1 to think of him as his dad, it would be a different situation and possibly easier to deal with.

OP posts:
Original poster
Hatesponge · 19/06/2011 23:37

Sorry but I disagree. He wanted that relationship with DS1. You can't encourage a baby, which is all DS1 really was at the time, to look upon you as their parent, then 11 years later wash your hands of them. Well, you can, but I think morally that's very wrong.

OP posts:
pigletmania · 19/06/2011 23:38

I do agree with Babydubs better shield your ds from it by your ds not having contact with your Ex, its not good on your son to have someone in their life who does not really want to be, but is forced into that situation. Your Ex sounds like a total wanker, that is why your ds needs protecting, this relationship is not good for him. Feel really Sad for your ds though, really Sad

pigletmania · 19/06/2011 23:41

Yes HateS he DID want that relationship at the time, but does not now, its worse for your ds if this man is forced to have a relationship with him. Just be there for him, be supportive and help him get over it in time.

pigletmania · 19/06/2011 23:42

To your ds he is his father, he is the only one he is known, but the feelings are not mutual on the other side which is not good at all on him.

pigletmania · 19/06/2011 23:43

As he gets older and wiser your ds will realise that. Sorry keep posting, keep thinking of things to add

fairydoll · 20/06/2011 00:18

Your poor DS1! You must feel heartbroken for him

Omigawd · 20/06/2011 01:48

While it's all very sad, and I really feel for DS1, it's not hard to see why someone you have now fairly acrimoniously split up with would not continue to help you with a child that isn't theirs.

I think you need to step up for DS1 now, try and do other things with him, try and help him through this stuff.

Limiting access to DS2 will be counterproductive IMO

TheFrogs · 20/06/2011 02:18

Life isn't black and white, families are complicated and I do believe that if someone makes a commitment to love and care for a child as their own even though that child isn't biologically theirs that commitment should be for life. If not, why on earth do it in the first place?

and as for finding his real father after so long....the dad he's always known cant just be replaced by a stranger!