To think I wasn't being selfish to expect a bit more, and they should stop bringing it up!

[LRDTheFeministDragon]

My mum is driving me up the wall because she keeps niggling at me about my wedding (nearly a year ago ) and she's now got my brother in on it.

Basically, I tried to include my mum and dad, told them all about our plans, did the 'give them one big thing to be responsible for', etc. Because my mum is the way she is, she threw massive tantrums and made things quite difficult. But she had no interest in actually helping - everything like trying on a dress or choosing flowers was 'a ridiculous fuss' that I shouldn't bother with/was frivolous.

I ended up doing all the planning myself while telling her how lovely it was that she was doing the cakes and trying to keep the peace when she made a fuss about everything. I have two brothers and I asked them on the day to help out by leading the guests to the reception venue (a few hundred yards away) where wine and capanes were waiting, so we didn't bore anyone doing pictures. On the day, instead, they didn't. I asked them to and both shrugged and said they'd rather I did it. Not a big issue I know ... but it was the only thing I'd asked them to do. My lovely MIL made me feel great by making a beautiful speech, but I felt a bit alone from my family.

The thing is, my mum obviously knows she wasn't exactly nice about it all. Since my brother got married, my mum saw his MIL helping her daughter organize and helping out, and I think she realized it's not actually usual for the family to do very little to help with a wedding. Since this, she keeps hinting things like 'I was nice at your wedding, wasn't I?' and 'We put a lot of work into your wedding, didn't we?'. I feel cross because I can see she must be feeling bad, but she isn't apologizing, she's just trying to pretend it happened differently! She's now got onto my brother who has told me I expected too much from mum and the family, and should realize I'm lucky they were 'so nice' about it. It seems to be that they'll carry on about it until I cave and admit they were great on the day ... I think my brothers are totally oblivious to the fact that I was hurt they didn't bother to help, and think I am being mean to my mum.

Sorry, ranting and it is so fucking crap to have this keep on circling at me.

LRD, i own a mother who sounds a lot like yours. Her wedding "help" was usually unsolicited bullying. Including going on (and on and on and on) about how it was unfair that my sister wasn't a bridesmaid because she'd feel left out. (DHs sisters were both also not bridesmaids, both of my bridesmaids were small children, sister is nearly 30)

I said i wasnt having an flowers, so she went to a florist, ordered flowers and then sent me a bill...

She also took to pointing out wedding dresses and saying "look at that dress, it pisses all over yours!"

there are a million more examples that i wont bore you with. I just wanted to let you know that you arent alone in the land of batty mothers!

Whenever she talks about my wedding i immediately say "yes, is was a lovely day wasnt it. I'm so glad DH and I managed to handle everything with NO ASSISTANCE WHATSOEVER"
She tends to shut up.

I don't really understand why people don't like the word narcissistic but that word describes very well some of the mother's behaviours. She might not be an out and out Narcissist but she definately has some problem traits.

They are very frustrating people to deal with because you can't have a heart to heart with them about them being WRONG - because they don't admit to being wrong. They are not going to take responsibilty or say 'sorry' and will very likely turn it back on you and blame you.

My mother is a narcissist and ruined my wedding - she pulled something on the day I still can't talk about. I actually went a bit mental afterwards as I felt so betrayed and disappointed (and ashamed that she'd done what she did in front of everyone I knew). I wanted my money back! It's still upsetting to think about so I try not to

But accepting my mother's narcissism (she is also a manic-depressive and refused medication for my childhood and generally oh it was all awful), did help me not go completely loopy.

As to what to expect - my (golden child), sister's wedding was the year after and my parents were completely different and did her wedding 'properly'. It was really hard to get through that day, too.

I think at the very least it's fair to expect support, love, practical help offered or at least good feeling made clear.

god, wineisfine, that sounds awful! i deliberately held my wedding many 1000s of miles from the one FM who I knew would make a scene to ensure she couldn't come. fortunately it's not my mum, but an older relative who loves to make a BIG scene.

my dad was really annoyed (as it's his mum) and we had huge arguments about it. i had had enough though of other occasions being ruined.

sorry your mum tried to spoil yours

my SIL to be (through DH) also has a problem with her mum making massive scenes, so DBIL and SIL are getting married on a day that none of her family including her mum can be there. the extreme solution...

Years ago a friend of mine got married and there was a little bridge to the reception venue which I said I'd decorate for her. I'd been a bit involved because we had 'individualised' her shoes as well, but apart from these things, I was just a guest. On the morning when I got to the venue and stated faffing about, one of the staff from the venue came out with a worried expression and told me that the mother of the bride (who I'd only met a couple of times before) had been to do the flowers, as that was her (only) responsibility (see, she'd been given a job, too...), and asked me to come and have a look. There were a couple of bowls of frangipane. That was it.

I knew my friend would be distraught about this so I called my mum and bf's mum and asked them to come to the venue with anything from their gardens and a few flowers, and we basically did flowers all morning. In fact my mum was just leaving when my friend arrived (friend thought how lovely it was that my mum had turned up just to see her :) ). Flowers looked lovely and friend was happy. The most interesting expression was on friend's mum's face. She was furious - but obviously didn't know who had done it, and besides couldn't say anything without outing herself as a complete bitch. She had clearly wanted to sabotage her own daughter's happiness with a display of crapness on a special day. That was a part of my friend that I just didn't understand until that moment.

I'm certainly not suggesting your mum was like this but families can have dynamics that belie experience or belief. LRD it is always really hard to confront these patterns, but they can be confronted - though you're only guaranteed the confrontation, not the result...But I can totally see the desire to change the pattern now, before the stakes are higher. Your eye is on the bigger picture, and that is good, and a good thing to remind yourself if it all gets unpleasant.

At some much later point in the future you may well have to care for your mum, to take on a quasi-parental role. But that time is not here yet. She is your mum, you are not hers, and you have every right to strive for a relationship of equals.

(sorry long)

looby that sounds so annoying! Yes, I know what you mean.

wine - sorry to hear that. I don't have sisters but it must be rotten to feel you've been treated differently. My parents do something similar with my older brother and me - at the moment they keep rubbing in how very clever he is at his studies, which would be lovely - except I am also studying and they keep warning me that I'm probably going to struggle.

PH - ouch. You're right, it is helpful seeing other people have the same things going on. Before I came on MN I was clueless about dealing with this stuff/ understanding it - DH agrees I have learned a lot!

Oh she successfully ruined it. More fool me for trying to please (as ever). I mostly wish I'd gone with my gut and either eloped or left them out and hang the consequences. Good for you for doing what felt right for you, microserf

However! So far as the OP is concerned, I think a valuable thought is that nobody owes their parents deference or should put anyone's feelings 'first' above their own (difficult, I know, when you're raised that way though - and I still do it). OP, what I'd advise is saying "actually mum this is a really difficult topic for me and I'd rather not discuss it".

You're not responsible for her, however much your father and brothers might say you are. That was the dynamic in my family too - everyone on eggshells, upsetting mum was the worst thing anyone could ever do. My father was in denial about my mother's issues most of the time, covering for her, always loyal and furious if I 'upset her'. It was fear, I think, because during her episodes he'd be desperate to get her sectioned. Really sad.

LRD, you don't have to go along with your mother's attempt to rewrite history.

Oops, cross-post, sorry.

mele, that is such a sad story - but it's lovely that you managed to make things special for your friend.

Maybe there's a thing with mums and flowers, because mine got us to come up to her house to take garden foliage, so we went up with my non-English-speaking, actually not-too-well MIL whom I'd just met ... mum went around hissing 'bitch!' at me/MIL (possibly under the impression we couldn't quite hear her), then threw a tantrum and insisted not only would the foliage she had wanted us to come and get would damage her car, but also that she was offended and wouldn't drive us back to where we live. She grabbed the phone out of my hand when I tried to call a taxi (it's nearly 100 miles away, btw), but eventually climbed down and drove us, fuming all the way, and insisted we go straight to the church to put the flowers in vases.

I was a knackered wreck by the end of the day, I promise! But it was an, erm, bonding experience with my MIL who was just lovely and I think saw immediately what I was up against ... she's been lovely to me every since.

wine, that makes a lot of sense. I'm glad you manage to find a way to accept what your mum did - you sound very calm about it even though I imagine you must not feel that way!

Crumbs. What a way to bond with your MIL :(

Sorry LRD. Not nice, not normal.

Well, to be fair it's quite funny to me now - you have to laugh, it's just so OTT. Wasn't at all amusing at the time, obviously.

No, it's amazing the things you can find funny with distance. DH is often horrified at the things my family laughs at now

Oops, sorry, I only just saw your reply ... true enough!