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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I wasn't being selfish to expect a bit more, and they should stop bringing it up!

90 replies

LRDTheFeministDragon · 19/06/2011 11:10

My mum is driving me up the wall because she keeps niggling at me about my wedding (nearly a year ago Hmm) and she's now got my brother in on it.

Basically, I tried to include my mum and dad, told them all about our plans, did the 'give them one big thing to be responsible for', etc. Because my mum is the way she is, she threw massive tantrums and made things quite difficult. But she had no interest in actually helping - everything like trying on a dress or choosing flowers was 'a ridiculous fuss' that I shouldn't bother with/was frivolous.

I ended up doing all the planning myself while telling her how lovely it was that she was doing the cakes and trying to keep the peace when she made a fuss about everything. I have two brothers and I asked them on the day to help out by leading the guests to the reception venue (a few hundred yards away) where wine and capanes were waiting, so we didn't bore anyone doing pictures. On the day, instead, they didn't. I asked them to and both shrugged and said they'd rather I did it. Not a big issue I know ... but it was the only thing I'd asked them to do. My lovely MIL made me feel great by making a beautiful speech, but I felt a bit alone from my family.

The thing is, my mum obviously knows she wasn't exactly nice about it all. Since my brother got married, my mum saw his MIL helping her daughter organize and helping out, and I think she realized it's not actually usual for the family to do very little to help with a wedding. Since this, she keeps hinting things like 'I was nice at your wedding, wasn't I?' and 'We put a lot of work into your wedding, didn't we?'. I feel cross because I can see she must be feeling bad, but she isn't apologizing, she's just trying to pretend it happened differently! She's now got onto my brother who has told me I expected too much from mum and the family, and should realize I'm lucky they were 'so nice' about it. It seems to be that they'll carry on about it until I cave and admit they were great on the day ... I think my brothers are totally oblivious to the fact that I was hurt they didn't bother to help, and think I am being mean to my mum.

Sorry, ranting and it is so fucking crap to have this keep on circling at me.

OP posts:
Original poster
LRDTheFeministDragon · 19/06/2011 11:54

medium, auntie - but why the hell should I? This is the thing. She did upset me, she did make it crap for me. She obviously knows this. To whose benefit is it that I should lie to her? If I lie to her now, where does it stop? ('Yes, mum, it was lovely you decided to slap my children, great stuff!')

OP posts:
FetchezLaVache · 19/06/2011 11:55

Just say, "Yes mum, you did a very good job of the cakes".

ScarletOHaHa · 19/06/2011 11:57

Your mum/brothers were in the wrong and hurt your feelings; I wouldn't be the bigger person either. A mother's feelings aren't more important than her grown up child's.

Adagoo · 19/06/2011 12:01

I am sorry for you.

It does come down to whether you just want this to go away, in which case say to your mum whatever it is she wanted to hear.

If you are so hurt that you need to make a point on principle then do. You might have to be crushingly harsh and really stomp on your mum's illusions about her parenting. I don't think that you want to fall out with your family on this, so even thought you are not being unreasonable, you are going to have to 'suck it up' as they say.

redexpat · 19/06/2011 12:02

I'd tell your brother he was lucky to be invited! What a cheek!

MediumPretty · 19/06/2011 12:03

LRD - because she's your mum. Because she's human and we all fall short sometimes. Who knows why she was throwing tantrums - hormones? depression? stress?

She feels guilty and you have it in your power to make her feel better. Do something nice (and vent away on here).

Original poster
LRDTheFeministDragon · 19/06/2011 12:06

But medium, where would you stop in the example I gave? Serious question; I can see it might happen and it worries me.

It seems the split is prettty 50/50 between those who'd be upset and those who'd not have expected more - what I'm trying to work out is, those of you who say it shouldn't matter/I should just be nice to her about it, is that because you think you shouldn't really expect family support at your wedding, you should just feel lucky if you get it? I did wonder about that.

OP posts:
PrinceHumperdink · 19/06/2011 12:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MediumPretty · 19/06/2011 12:13

Cross that bridge when you come to it. Make it known to your family that there will be no smacking of your kids - if they ignore you then kick off.

garlicnutter · 19/06/2011 12:15

Don't know if you wanted an answer from me, LRD? I think it's nice if your family is aware of how to support a daughter well, and does it. As things stand, mine did the best they were able. I accept that my family doesn't really know a whole lot about what 'support' means. I play along with my mother's delusions because it's easy to do and is pleasanter for her ... as long as her delusions can't actually harm me (fell for that one before).

In this case, it's a matter of telling harmless porkies for an easy life. In exactly the same way as you wouldn't tell a six-year-old their portrait of you was rubbish!

diddl · 19/06/2011 12:17

They´re all adults-why do OP´s mum´s feelings matter anymore than OPs?

Next time she mentions it I´d ask her why does she keep going on about it.

And tell her the truth-that you felt she wasn´t interested/criticised/made it about her-but can you please move on from it.

It´s nothing to do with her parenting-you are an adult-she doesn´t parent you anymore.

Thelmapeace · 19/06/2011 12:18

LRD I think maybe that the people suggesting that you be the bigger person did not read your threads in the run up to the wedding. I remember them clearly and your Mother's behaviour was appalling. Perhaps links to previous threads would make your position clearer?

ItsNotRocketSurgery · 19/06/2011 12:19

If adults say they will do something (e.g. lead guests from one place t another) YANBU to expect them to do it.

If adults say something untrue (e.g. "I was very helpful at your wedding) YANBU to tell them that what they are saying is not true.

YABU to expect your mum to help out if she is not the helpy-out type. YANBU to wish she would, and to think it owul dbe niec (and to consider it usual), but YABU to expect.

But SHE was BU to make a fuss and have tantrums, and SHE is BU to now retrospectively claim that she was very helpful.

garlicnutter · 19/06/2011 12:20

Oh, sorry, missed the part about slapping your children! Does she?

I wouldn't have that. I'd tell her if she ever hit a child again, she wasn't going to see them. My SIL took a softer line when hers were small - she ensured the DCs were never alone with my P&M.

Is this about coming to terms with the fact that your birth family is a bit crap really? How are you doing with that?

TechLovingDad · 19/06/2011 12:21

Say "you know you didn't so stop trying to get me to make you feel better". If she kicks off, ignore her. Ignore her anyway, what a drama queen.

garlicnutter · 19/06/2011 12:21

I play along because I have realised my mother's emotional age is six. There's just no point to expecting her to respond like an adult, she can't.

Original poster
LRDTheFeministDragon · 19/06/2011 12:24

Oh, garlic, no, that's hypothetical! Don't worry, your post did make sense and I do see what you're saying. I don't have kids yet but I''m aware this is likely to be an issue (she, and especially my dad, have it very clear they think smacking is a very normal part of parenting and 'you would smack a child when it was bad, wouldn't you, even if [brother'sname] wasn't there to do it himself'.

It makes me think I should get clear now that I don't want to roll over and pretend it's ok to do something horrible then be sad about it until you're forgiven - I can see where it would go.

OP posts:
Original poster
LRDTheFeministDragon · 19/06/2011 12:25

(Sorry, that wasn't very clear - they have talked about smacking in the context of my brother's baby, so I know what their feelings are.)

OP posts:
Adagoo · 19/06/2011 12:26

I don't think you should be nice because she's behaved exactly as it would be expected. I think you should be nice because otherwise you'll fall out with your mum, and your brothers who don't see your POV at all.

Original poster
LRDTheFeministDragon · 19/06/2011 12:28

Thelma, actually, I deleted a lot of them/namechanged as I had an identity-scare. I tried to keep the OP brief because it's all a drag and I know it is going round in circles ... it's just that patient people on here do help me get my thinking clearer whenever I have a problem, so I keep posting.

OP posts:
Adagoo · 19/06/2011 12:29

Sorry, it took forever to get that post out.

If you don'y want to fall out, then distance is key. I've heard that NZ is nice.

FetchezLaVache · 19/06/2011 12:30

FWIW, I don't think you expected an unreasonable level of involvement on your family's part. I have known mothers who've been left out of the dress-choosing process and desperately hurt by it, my sis was a bit pissed off that I didn't ask her sons to be ushers, etc- at least you made the offer for them to get involved, hardly your fault they didn't want to take you up on it.

It's a shame it took your brother's wedding for her to realise she was a bit shit, but it's too late for her to do anything about it now. However, she's clearly not going to give up until she gets a straight and convincing answer, so I think that the next time she brings it up, I reckon your best bet is to tell her the truth about how you feel, but stressing (as much as you can) that you did value her practical input. No point in putting a guilt trip on her at this remove, but it's going to fester if you don't tell her.

FetchezLaVache · 19/06/2011 12:33

Dammit, that took forever to type, and in that time diddl has posted IMO a brilliant response.

sophe29 · 19/06/2011 12:42

Could you not do a half way house answer?
Yes ask her why it is bothering her so much still but perhaps say that you and your husband had nice wedding and are very happy together and thats what really matters. If she pushes you after that then let her have it!

RufousBartleby · 19/06/2011 13:00

You definitely don't have to placate your mother OP. Nothing in your post suggests that there are any mitigating circumstances that would mean you should smooth things over to save her feelings - she clearly was quite happy to ride rough shod over yours in the run up to the wedding.

I would even say its a bit patronising to not be truthful with her - she's an adult she behaved badly - there are consequences - in this case your displeasure.

I would also give your brothers short shrift and tell them in no uncertain terms how you feel and to stop acting as your mothers go between.