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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want my drunk partner to share a bed with my 4 yo ds

57 replies

smithereenies · 18/06/2011 12:25

Last week my dp came home really drunk at 3:30 a.m. He got into (single) bed w our 4 yo ds in just his underpants, and I asked him to get out as I thought it inappropriate (mainly because he was so drunk). I didn't really want him in with me as I was sleeping with our 18 mo who wasn't well (d + v). He was really angry and slept on the couch - he is still angry about it so I wonder aibu to think I was right? We're going through a very difficult patch at the mo btw

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Original poster
smithereenies · 18/06/2011 15:20

thanks.....it was partly the contrast between my beautiful clean sick little boy who I'd been up 3 or 4 times that night with and watched peacefully sleep for about an hour before dp came home and then a big leery smelly annoying and insulting man squashing in beside him. The underpants were definitely a factor - he was too pissed to bother finding his pjs......maybe that's unreasonable

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PregolaLola · 18/06/2011 15:20

sorry x-post, that is more understandable when put in a that way, still reckon that may be whats pissing him off though

Original poster
smithereenies · 18/06/2011 15:22

if ds was in bed then he would have probably woken the 18 mo who was lying horizontally across half the bed (why do they do that?) and who I had only just got to sleep for the fourth time! Anyway, in a petty way I didn't really want to accommodate dp. When he asked where he was going to sleep I did tell him - 'in the gutter'! And was sorely tempted to lock him out of the house when I realised he wasn't home at 2:15 and had left me with two children with diahorrea

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Original poster
smithereenies · 18/06/2011 15:25

pregolaLola - 'YOU made him feel uncomfortable or insulted him' - well, maybe he should feel uncomfortable and insulted due to the way he acted! He sometimes sleeps in with dp and I never think about what he's wearing or anything like that, I just got angry about the whole scene really

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PregolaLola · 18/06/2011 15:26

he really shouldnt have gone out though, did he apologise ?

PregolaLola · 18/06/2011 15:29

smitherines you forgot the 'maybe' dont misquote me. i think he was in the wrong, i was trying to give you an answer as to why he was still bothered by it.

Original poster
smithereenies · 18/06/2011 15:30

no he didn't apologise at all. But has been pretty muted and done a lot of housework. I did tell him he has completely crossed a line, I think this is make or break time tbh. I think he might be a bit stunned at his own behaviour as he has been constantly telling me off....

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atswimtwolengths · 18/06/2011 15:31

Going out for a couple of hours (when nobody is sick) and coming back in a cheerful mood, ready to help out is one thing.

Going out (when both children are sick) and coming back really late, really drunk and really aggressive, then sleeping half naked and stinking of beer in a small boy's bed is completely unacceptable.

About the clothing - if your son came into your bed and your husband was wearing his underwear, no big deal. But to climb into a child's bed half naked and drunk is a big deal. Who the fuck wants to wake up to that?

Original poster
smithereenies · 18/06/2011 15:32

PregolaLola - sorry, unintentional - I see your point but I suppose feel he has no right to be insulted due to the way he acted. How does it come to this?

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Original poster
smithereenies · 18/06/2011 15:36

atswimtwolengths - yes, drunk AND half-naked was the issue, I do think its relevant

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JumpOnIt · 18/06/2011 15:37

YADNBU. My DP works away a lot. When he's home he likes to go out for a beer or ten with his mates. I don't get to go out but that is a whole different thread. What does annoy me is the fact that when he comes back, he always tries to crawl in bed with our DD who is three. Now I know it's because he doesn't see her much and he says he loves her so much, but it's really not on! I don't think it matters how you put it to him. A drunk adult in bed with a small child is just not ok. It was unreasonable of him to try!!

PregolaLola · 18/06/2011 15:38

thatsquite alright, sounds like you have a lot more going on there OP, hope it all gets sorted for your sanity and the kids sake

is the relationship close to end or are you trying to salvage it ?

thumbwitch · 18/06/2011 15:39

YANBU.
He was selfish, thoughtless and really unfair to you and your DC - not just by going out but by disrupting the 4yo's sleep as well. Can't believe he ever thought it was a good idea to share the poor child's bed in that condition.

Re. the underpants: my DH has strong ishoos himself with sleeping naked if our DS is in the bed - he won't, he doesn't think it's appropriate. But he does only put on a pair of pyjama shorts (like big boxer shorts but without the fly) so I guess it depends on what sort of underpants your P wears as to how U you are being over them. Skimpy little knicker types wouldn't be so good, I mean.

He is probably acting all blustery because deep down he knows he was bloody unreasonable and got it all wrong, and there might be a bit of guilt in there too, so chances are he's finding whatever reason he can to turn the guilt away from himself so he doesn't have to feel so bad about his own (abysmal) behaviour.

Original poster
smithereenies · 18/06/2011 15:42

pregolaLola - I just don't know, and I think we're both under extreme stress as we haven't been getting on for months and months.
He is generally a really great dad. We've had a lot of ups and downs over the last 20 years, but we had a late mc last summer after which I was really ill (physically) and I've not been handling it very well - I felt he was not emotionally supportive at all. He is generally considered to be almost saintly, but as we aggravate each other more and more its like the boundaries keep being pushed, and the drunk insulting night to me felt like a major line had been crossed.

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Original poster
smithereenies · 18/06/2011 15:45

thumbwitch - yes, they were very skimpy! And again to many that mightn't seem to matter but it just looked so horrible.
He probably does feel guilty I think but also maybe horrified its come to this. He was shouting at me in front of the toddler that night, using really awful language 'psycho' and 'bitch' come to mind, so as he is (was?) usually a very gentle person I imagine/hope he is pretty ashamed

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JudysJudgement · 18/06/2011 15:51

why are you obsessed about him being in his underpants? what difference does it make?

thumbwitch · 18/06/2011 15:52

God, that sounds terrible, so sorry for your loss as well.
I know it's trite to say but men often don't handle MC well at all - my DH is very emotionally unsupportive (I've had 2 but early, so not as distressing as your late one :(). My mum lost a baby late as well, my dad was crap - couldn't talk about it, broke out in skin weals all over - the doctor told him it was his body saving him from a nervous breakdown (we're talking a long time ago here).
I don't know whether or not your P is suffering from the inability to deal with your MC or not - but he may well be. And from his inability to deal with your physical condition afterwards.

I don't know whether or not you think there is any going back from where you are now - probably not without a sincere apology from him for his utterly shit behaviour - but you need counselling, as a couple, not necessarily marital but bereavement for sure.

And possibly some time apart to re-group and see whether or not you do still have any love for each other because at the moment you're just hurting each other, possibly out of your (both of you) own hurt at your loss.

I do hope that he does apologise and that actually it shocks him (and you?) into taking steps to sort the situation out.

Original poster
smithereenies · 18/06/2011 15:58

I don't know if there is any going back either. I keep assuming so but that he would behave so badly is pretty depressing. I suppose I posted to see if the bare facts of what he did were unreasonable - we've been hurting each other a lot but to me this was really crossing a line, but then again I find it hard to have a perspective on what is reasonable anymore.

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Original poster
smithereenies · 18/06/2011 15:59

judys - I'm not obsessed, it just seemed to make it worse

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Original poster
smithereenies · 18/06/2011 16:12

sorry for the downer story!

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LolaRennt · 18/06/2011 16:17

i wouldnt want to wake up to a big smelly drunk guy in his pants taking up my bed either. yanbu

ScarlettIsWalking · 18/06/2011 16:37

Your poor ds and poor you, you have a lot on your plate here. You are not being treated well and if it were me I wouldn't have let him through the front door so no overreaction there whatsoever.

CareyHunt · 18/06/2011 16:59

It doesn't sound AT ALL like the op has an issue with the pants ffs.

My dh and I regularily bed share with our dc's, and some times we are naked. There is a world of difference between that and some drunken arse too pissed to put pyjamas on getting into bed with a poorly little boy.

He was being a twunt, and yaNbu. I'm sure if I was ill the last thing I would want would be a stinky, snoring, shouting bastard climbing in with me.

BlueFergie · 18/06/2011 17:10

It is irrelevant in my opinion that your DS was sick or not. Why should he have to put up with a drunk, slobbering fool climbing into his bed uninvited no matter how he was feeling? Quite apart from the safety issues (of ahich there are plenty) 4 year olds are as entitled to sleep peacefully in their own beds as adults and they should not have their space invaded. What an unpleasent experience for your DS

Original poster
smithereenies · 18/06/2011 17:48

well my ds being sick seemed relevant I suppose partly due to it seeming to make dp's behaviour worse, and ds had been so sweet and quiet and lovely in a way all night so big drunk abusive dp in his posing pouch seemed even worse! Also....because I was already annoyed with dp for staying out so late leaving me with two sick children, and I was awake until 3/3:30 a.m. because one or other of them kept needing the loo/water/medicine/cuddles/a song so I was pretty furious he came in steaming drunk, shouting insults at me and pushing my ds over in his little sick bed!

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