in not wanting to spend a weekend a month with ILs?

[MaryThornbar]

ILs and my parents both live over 2.5 hours drive away, which means any visits have to be overnight. My parents are really relaxed but the ILs always push to visit or for us to stay with them 1 weekend a month. They never used to be bothered until DS was born - he is the only reason they want to do this.

It makes me really begrudge the visits as my DH works very long hours during the week, so the only time we get to ourselves is at the weekend. If we see both sets on a monthly basis, that's half of the time having people to stay or staying at other houses, and then having to fit our own friends and social life into that too.

I work too, and find constant guests a hassle with all the cooking, cleaning, bed making etc needed (I get no help from DH as he is working so much) I am also not keen on staying away too much with 1 yr old DS, as we have to take absolutely everything with us (ILs have nothing for him in their house, it's not child friendly at all, and they don't get suitable food in for him) and I would be happier with a visit around every 6 weeks - AIBU?

Now I really think he needs some time with his son. His Mum should help him, she's done it before. I think you're taking it all on yourself, no wonder you're feeling stressed.

Why can't you unwind gruff? Surely family are there to help - voluntarily or otherwise

OP, I understand the vigilance thing. I'm the same. We both have to let go! DS has fallen down the stairs 3 x now (about 3 steps each time). On all 3 occasions it was when little miss vigilant me was in charge! I do think sometimes we both have to ask a bit more of and be more trusting of our DHs. I know I can be a bit of a control freak..maybe you also find it horrible when other people leave a mess in your home (but cope OK with your own mess). I know I would flip if other people let my DS do some of the things I let him do! I really think you could be my doppleganger!

I said I think a whole weekend a month is a lot, not just seeing them once a month - we can agree to differ on that one clearly.

All families are different - some are easier to deal with than others.

Thanks to those who offered constructive advice - I will certainly suggest meeting halfway for day trips as a compromise and a way of seeing them more frequently.

My parents live 3.5hrs away. We sometimes meet up for the day in the middle. If you can find somewhere suitable, you could suggest doing that one month and then actually staying over the next (or having them to stay) - even if you can't push it out to once every 6 wks. However, if you're being left to sort visits out, I'd be doing once every 6 wks and still pressing for some of those to be meets in the middle, given your busy family life.

sprinkles77 I know - I agree! A bit of pfb for sure - need to let go!!

And as a child, the pleasure of seeing our GPs was largely in the unsuitable foods they gave us. Chocolate cereal, white bread and cake for most meals. One weekend of crappy meals for DS every time you go to stay with them will not ruin him. My DS is 15 months and eats total crap with my IL's (jam sandwiches, coke). I can't stop it. I want them to be honest about what they get up to with him so if I try to stop them feeding him shit, they will still do so but lie about it. I totally see where you are coming from, and I wish I could take more of my own advice!

Not mine DoMeDon - the one time ILs have babysat was when I was giving birth to ds and they phoned dh at the hospital to ask how long we would be (I'm not joking!). ILs and my own parents both expect to be cooked for, drinks brought and generally waited on while we do the more unpleasant aspects of looking after the dcs and they play with them. Tis their prerogative apparently as they love to constantly tell us. So I make it my prerogative to suffer them as little as possible.
It depends on the GPs. If they were different nice they could visit every day if they wanted.

Good grief gruff - phoning at the hospital Maybe you should let them know they could come over more if they helped more. In fact I know I would say it when they asked to come over more - 'course you can if you help out but I find it knackering busying about after everyone' - can hear myself now!!

In our case both sets of GPs live in our home country, the IL's are coming every 6 weeks-ish (often 3 or more days), my parents a little less. 6 weeks are ok for me and I can understand that once a month is a little bit often.

Is there any chance that they stay in a hotel or BnB? You would have much less work and time for you as a family, even if it is just for a nice relaxed breakfast. It certainly makes things a lot easier for us. They do a lot of babysitting, taking DD out to the playground while we can relax, so it is actually not too bad (and I really struggle for many reasons with them)

And I would definitely ask them to get a couple of things like highchair, changing mat,... for their house. Those things are needed for quite a while. And I would call them a couple of days before going there and giving them a list of what food to buy.

Have tried Don but they've done their bit and being a grandparent is about having all the fun stuff which we will get our turn to do in due course except we won't because I will actually want to help my dc rather than be a pain in the arse .

We used to see my parents every 5-6 weeks and they lived 400 miles away. It all depends on if you want to build a constant relationship between your DS and them or you're happy for the visits to be sporadic. We also live 2.5 hours from my sister and we often leave at 8 and are there for half ten and then again at 4 and back at half 6 with our two DC's. It's not too much of a problem every few weeks really so maybe you could try that some time?