in not wanting to spend a weekend a month with ILs?

[MaryThornbar]

ILs and my parents both live over 2.5 hours drive away, which means any visits have to be overnight. My parents are really relaxed but the ILs always push to visit or for us to stay with them 1 weekend a month. They never used to be bothered until DS was born - he is the only reason they want to do this.

It makes me really begrudge the visits as my DH works very long hours during the week, so the only time we get to ourselves is at the weekend. If we see both sets on a monthly basis, that's half of the time having people to stay or staying at other houses, and then having to fit our own friends and social life into that too.

I work too, and find constant guests a hassle with all the cooking, cleaning, bed making etc needed (I get no help from DH as he is working so much) I am also not keen on staying away too much with 1 yr old DS, as we have to take absolutely everything with us (ILs have nothing for him in their house, it's not child friendly at all, and they don't get suitable food in for him) and I would be happier with a visit around every 6 weeks - AIBU?

you need more hobbies. once your child is a bit older, sign them up for lots of weekend activities eg swimming on Saturday afternoon, football on Sunday morning
in the meantime, this sounds an ideal time for your dh and son to have special quality bonding time with the grandparents. You can have a prior engagement of some kind for 2 out of 3 of the weekends involved - again, take up a weekend hobby of some kind if necessary. I would not be at all surprised if your dh suddenly finds he's not so keen on visiting his parents if he's expected to do all the hard work. And you can have a nice relaxing weekend once a month
also, agree with other posters. don't ever answer the phone to inlaws then it will never be your problem

I get emails & texts - it's hard to ignore without being rude!!

it is hard work driving that far, even if shared, and all that packing... it is nearly as bad as packing for holiday... (sympathies) and every other week too when you have both sets to visit. thats 50% of your free time taken up with visiting families...

start by lengthening it out to every 5 weeks(book something with friend on week 4) then every 6 weeks. (hairdresses appointments..could also be conveniently placed)

saying things like i am sorry mil that is not practical... how about (5 weeks away date) or if you can't do that... (longer away date)

i suggest that when/if you plan number 2 you use it as an opportunity to break aany patterns that haave been established and make new ones to fit the circumstances

My sis lives 2hrs 15mins away and we often go there for the day. Sometimes I do it by myself, but if dh is with me then he'll drive there and I'll drive back.

I don't think one weekend a month is bad if there are no other issues. You should stop running around after them and ask them to do stuff too. Most people don't mind helping. They are your ds's loving blood relatives.

I would also definitely use it as babysitting. Relax about it and go off with your dh and have a drink, a cinema trip, meet friends without kids.

IME getting a DH to help in this situation if he is always at work is hard. It is often easier to cut out the middleman, decide what you are prepared to do and then tell the IL's what that is. They will have to learn the meaning of "no".
I am in almost identical situation, except that my parents are local. My ILs are a major PITA. My DH works most saturdays. In fact, most waking hours. I have to deal with the ILs. So this is what I do... 1. don't answer the phone. If they call on my mobile I can screen their calls. I just don't bother with landline. Anyone who needs me has my mobile number. 2. I call them back at my convenience and say that I am very busy as the moment / as usual. Tell them that DS Would love to see them. Can they have him while I do xy and z. 3. when staying at my house they make a horrendous mess. I made a big deal of getting a cleaner in to clean up ("somehow there is so much mess with 2 extra adults in the house for a whole weekend") and got her to come before they left one Monday. They got the message about that one. Oh, and i found out that they don't change the beds between guests . After than I just shoved the bedding from the spare room into the wardrobe instead of changing it .
They have finally bought a flat locally as FIL occasionally works here, so that helps lots. But I still screen their calls and make visiting on my terms when DH not around.

We rarely visit them (2-3 x a year). When we do we bring what we can and get them to borrow the rest from friends (highchair mainly). We go when it suits us and leave in good time to get home without too much stress. We travel as light as possible, which is easier now DS is off formula. Last time we went we took surprisingly little.
You have to find a way to make it work as the situation will not change. Be assertive, firm but not rude.

LOoooong post!

I think your husband is BU

He works long hours, leaves you to do all the cleaning and fussing required for visits, lets you wait on his parents instead of telling them to fend for themselves, doesn't insist they get stuff needed for baby visits, and ignores them so that you have to deal with their guilt trips.

It seems a bit harsh to get upset with the IL for wanting to see their grandchild more often.

I would do day trips too and make DH do all the driving.

When people say, appreciate your family, it rather depends upon the family in question. Having read your posts about the amount of prep and work it takes when you have visitors and how they don't help you and just expect to be waited on, I can easily understand why you don't want it.

If your DH makes plans when you have already agreed not to, then the best approach imo would be to cancel them rather than honour arrangements he shouldn't have made. I also think you need to change the fact that it is you doing all the work so that his parents can stay. Of course he is more easy going wrt all this, he is doing none of the work involved in having them to stay.

When they do stay (at a convenient time), please don't let your DH get away with not contributing to the workload. Yes, he works hard, but so do you and these are his parents.

I have an agreement with my DH, that I don't expect him to spend hours with my parents entertaining them by himself and by the same token I won't be left with my MIL for long visits without him being there to help. obviously exceptions are made if he is at work when she arrives, but I try to arrange it so he is not away.

Just a suggestion, it worked for us, occasionally I took the kids to see my Mum and Dad, and he took them to see his. You can both do something nice when they are away (or nothing at all!), and everyone is pleased to see each other when you get back together. You can be as creative or as honest as you like about the reason for the solo visit (work commitment/special birthday night out, sorry but you drive me nuts etc). In our case it made my DH realise how good he could be at being a Dad, and his Mother a chance to give all the advice she couldn't when I was there. Good luck, it gets better when the kids get older!

up ahill, why should op spend 50% of her spare time organising these visits? she wants time with her ds too, and by the sound of it doesn't get quality time with ds whilst visiting as she is the one packing/unpacking/setting up equipment/sorting out food and supervising ds in a difficult environment. it is hard work.

if oyu are lucky enough to have gps who can and do look after children safely whilst you have time out it is very different.

mary, i suspect you have a clone of h who sits on his bum and does not do anything unless you specifically tell him to do it when he is out with his parents/ at my parents. and they are extremely hard work

dreaming day trips also a good idea.
Wanted to add another suggestion.. that you tell them honestly that all the work (cleaning etc) is too much on top of working and you just cannot manage it. Would they mind bringing and taking home their own bed linen and towels?(that's not much to ask if you have to bring all DS's stuff with you when you stay at theirs). And may be they could treat you to a takeaway when they come. Also, are all GPs in the same city? If so you could get some essentials (travel cot, folding highchair) and leave them with one set of GPs so you don't have to bring them. If you travel there several times a year it would be worth it. And they might be useful for any future GC's. GPs might even pay for them!

Yes definitely agree with day trips being a good compromise. It's the expectation of whole weekends which stresses me out. I understand they are keen to see DS, and want them to have a relationship with him - I guess just my family are so relaxed about it, and understand the pressures we have on us, I wish DHs parents would be as easygoing!

'Some people don't have as much going on in their lives as we do, so once a month may not seem like a lot, but to us it is.'

Er, that's a bit judgey, isn't it?

If I'm reading between the lines correctly, this is more about you feeling put upon and unsupported than it is about the actual visit?

Dh needs to do at least one visit on his own (can you have a migraine, or set up with a mate to have a "crisis" only you can deal with?) so he knows exactly how much you're doing to enable this. In this modern age of 24 hour supermarkets, it won't hurt your dc's to go without a few things while Daddy nips to the shops because he forgot the wipes/bottles/spare pants...

It'll be tough to start with because you'll feel like you're setting him/them up to fail, but in the long run it'll be worth it because everyone involved will be aware of what needs doing.

oh and what karma believer said..

Hello OP, YANBU. I have exactly the same problem with my ILs and I find it a complete pain in the backside. Like one of the other posters, I am lucky because I work part time and can at least see my parents usually during the week otherwise i would be constantly toing and froing. We only see the inlaws every 6 weeks, but even that I find to be hard work because it always has to be for a very full on weekend. I become very frustrated when they complain that it has been 'ages' since they have seen us. With even the few friends and family we have to see there is rarely any time to do stuff round the house or just chill out. Could you perhaps arrange to meet for a sunday lunch or something halfway, so you both have just over an hour's drive and do this alternately so you don't have a weekend visit every month?

YANBU. I wouldn't want 50% of my weekends to be taken up with visiting or having guests either - and if they are the type who want to be waited on and offer no help like mine then they count as guests even though they're family imo.
Obviously GP's do love spending time with their dcs though and there are some good suggestions on here. When we visit ILs (who live about the same distance as yours) we always do a day trip. We leave after breakfast and get them in their jim jams and drive home at their bedtime. If they are visiting you there's no reason why they can't do it as a day trip if they set off early and stay til LO's bedtime or even a bit later if they want to keep up the pretence that they are remotely interested in spending time with you or dh. If they are very pushy you might have have plans some weekends or for one of the weekend days.

Meeting half way is also a good suggestion.

'Some people don't have as much going on in their lives as we do, so once a month may not seem like a lot, but to us it is.'

Oh I snorted with laughter at that phrase.

I understand why your in-laws want to see your child. But I think this martyr act needs to be dropped. Sort out your DP so he helps to organise the weekend and tell you in-laws can they sort x,y,z out for your arrival. You don't need to be bossy just say it will help you out greatly.

......Unless they hate you so much they'd not want to help you.

I don't understand why you're in charge of DS when you are at the inlaws - where is your DH in all this?

Get some help at home, and get your DH to help out more so that everything doesn't fall to you.

dreamingbohemian not judgey - just a fact? Not everyone is as busy as each other, so some may have more time to spare - no?

My pil and parents also live a distance away so visits are always over night. We average about every 6 weeks (not a rigid timetable, sometimes more frequent, sometimes less) and that's enough tbh. Every 4 weeks would be too much for me.

I agree with suggestion already made to keep stuff at both gps house, it makes life much easier, halfway visits also a good idea, sometimes in a nice B&B to make a break of it plus as the kids get older (mine are 7 and 4 now) it gets easier as they need less stuff.

Alibabaandthe80nappies to be fair, he does try, but wouldn't be as safety conscious as me - DS would be halfway up the stairs before he noticed, or waving a knife around that had been left within reach. I am just more vigilant so end up doing most of the running around.

Well lets see Mary.
At weekends I cave, cycle, go to the Lake District climbing.
I work full time, so does DH. We too have a house to clean.
DH has his photography and racing cars.
I like going to Malmaission for weekends with my girlfriends.
The boys BMX and go to the gun club at weekend as well as endless other activities.
Hmmmmmm yes we are very busy at weekends as well and so is virtually every MN so I think you have shot yourself in the foot with that comment tbh

We see the family every month for big family gatherings and if they come to us it is 'as they find us'
Your posts are coming accoss like you are playin the martyre and you have to do everything rather than seeing it as a chance to unwind.

So if you really aren't going to change your outlook make it once every six weeks. Just arrnange the dates and when she does whinge and says 'it's been ages, when can we see you' You just say something like. Won't be long now, not this Saturday but Saturday after and we'll catch up then!!

I don't think once a month is too much, even with busy lives. They are the GP's, they love thier GC. Agree that meeting halfway is a good idea. Also think you could easily do a day visit, leave early morning, then go home at bedtime so noone has to stay overnight. Why not let them come down for the weekend and you go out alone for the evening so they can babysit - you can also catch up with friends then. I would love to see IL's that often if I could - but mabe it depends on the IL's!

It's judgey because you're assuming those of us who might think once a month is not too much, only think that because we 'don't have a lot going on in our lives'.

I assure you that we have plenty going on, but I would personally be making DH take more responsibility rather than decreasing the amount of grandparent time.