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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think it's weird to put a baby in nursery while still on maternity leave?

67 replies

ObiWanKenobi · 17/06/2011 10:06

met a lady who is still on maternity leave (baby 7 months) who has put baby in a nursery while she's on maternity leave still as she thinks it's nice for her to have some time to herself. I thought the whole point of maternity leave was to spend time with your baby. Especially bought it weird as the lady had come to a baby group without her baby!

OP posts:

Pinkjenny · 17/06/2011 10:30

Both of mine started at nursery about a month before I went back to work, during which time they settled in, and I got a bit of time to get straight before I went back to work. They do two days a week.

Lambzig · 17/06/2011 10:34

I also remember that the first three weeks that my DD went one day to nursery, I spent time with my antenatal friends and their babies so that I didnt spend the whole under the duvet howling.

vmcd28 · 17/06/2011 10:34

I think it's weird if it's not just to settle the baby in to nursery. BUT I could NEVER be a SAHM simply because I do get too stressed when it's constantly me and the 2 kids, so if I gave up work (fat chance), I'd have to have them in nursery for a day or two. I wouldnt do it during maternity leave though, but each to their own.

TheBride · 17/06/2011 10:35

YABU and you're on dangerous territory.

i.e. What's the difference between a SAHM wanting some time to herself, and a WOHM who works for personal satisfaction rather than because she needs the money?

Both are arguably using paid childcare when they could theoretically be looking after the child themselves.

GingerWrath · 17/06/2011 10:38

I am a SAHM and I put my DD in nursery when she turned 2 for 4 hours twice a week. I have no family support close and felt I needed some time to be me and also since she is an only child I felt it would be great for her socialization skills to be with other kids. She loved it and is now in school and asks to go back during school holidays.

SarahBumBarer · 17/06/2011 10:39

Assuming it is not full time but for a bit of a break and to acclimatise LO to nursery then YABU. DS started nursery at 7 months when I went back to work and while I hope to have a longer period of mat leave next time I will also put DC2 into nursery for at least a day a week from around 7 months as I have found the whole nursery experience much easier than some of my colleagues coming back to work when their LO's were 11/12 months and just starting nursery.

Also the mums in my baby group often turned up without babies - either because granny/sister had offered to take them or dad was haing some time out with them or towards the end because the little ones were doing their settling in visits to nursery. No-one ever batted an eyelid - we were friends by that point and would have been much more if it was deemed we were no longer worth spending time with just because the baby was not there.

porcamiseria · 17/06/2011 10:41

it depends, if its FT YANBU!!! if its a morning or two a week well fair play

but I wonder why some people have kids if they never fucking see them, but in all fairness this lady may not be in this category

CurrySpice · 17/06/2011 10:42

YABTU - not weird at all.

Maybe she wants to go to the gym, or a class, or do the shopping without baby crying, or get some sleep, or 1001 other reasons

peppapighastakenovermylife · 17/06/2011 10:49

My HV suggested I do this when I was struggling with DS - and he was only 10 weeks old. She said that just one or two mornings a week (no other family support) could make everything else so much easier. I didnt in the end but would not judge anyone for doing it.

Maybe she has no one else to take the baby for a bit.

Maybe she is going back to work soon.

And just maybe she fancied a bit of time to herself. Shoot her now. Although bizarre to go to baby group - but perhaps she wanted the conversation and friendship (I hope she avoids you if you are this judgy).

You are seem to be making the assumption that the baby being in nursery / not with the mother for this short period of time is somewhat negative. The baby is likely perfectly happy.

vmcd28 · 17/06/2011 10:50

theBride, why's she on "dangerous territory"?! The op's entitled to ask a question, I'm sure she's well aware of how AIBU threads can turn! :)

TheBride · 17/06/2011 10:53

Sorry- realised that sounded a but threatening- was meant to be a joke. I was just alluding to the usual "SAHM vs WOHM" debates which kick off.......usually on a Friday night

vmcd28 · 17/06/2011 10:55

haha, I know, I was joking too :)
There should be a [just joking] emoticon

vmcd28 · 17/06/2011 10:56

actually, I'm hoping for a Friday night thread like last week's "dh wants to try it up the bum" one.

bonkers20 · 17/06/2011 11:02

You say her reason was to "have some time for herself". Well good for her for having the confidence to admit it! You say she's on mat. leave, which implies she is returning to work so she'll get precious little time for herself then.

Most of us need time to ourself.

EssexGurl · 17/06/2011 11:07

Depending on the child, settling in at nursery can take quite a time. DD screamed and screamed for the first month. So, you do need to start this process whilst still on mat leave to make sure that they are settled by the time you need to go back to work. I remember leaving DS the first time and sitting in a cafe on my own for an hour feeling like I had lost my arm, or something. Maybe she felt comfortable going to the baby group on her own and it was somewhere to go for a couple of hours?

Actually, there is a woman at the playgroup we go to who has a three month old baby who sleeps the whole way through it. I don't think I have seen the baby awake once. Mum is just there for the chat. Is that actually any different?

WanderingSheep · 17/06/2011 11:21

Haven't read the whole thread but, what a good idea! She's getting the baby settled into nursery before she goes back to work, which is sensible IMO. It means that if there are any problems she can collect him, which may be a problem if she was working. She's having time to herself which will probably be a rarity when she goes back to work!

My sister is thinking about sending my two year old nephew to Nursery one day a week, even though he has a parent at home all day (sister works full time but BIL only works evenings). She thinks that nursery will be good for him as he craves interaction with other children!

I'm a SAHM and my DD1 goes to pre-school 15 hours a week. Am I odd? Should I have kept her at home until she starts Primary school?

I do have a baby but I still sent her to Pre-school before DD2 was born. The time I got to myself was heaven

ChitChattingagain · 17/06/2011 11:22

Good for her! Absolutely nothing wrong with having some time to yourself. Being a SAHM does not equate to being a martyr and not being allowed to have any time to yourself.

The other thing point that I haven't seen mentioned, is that when a PFB first go to a nursery, in the first 6 months they seem to endlessly catch colds and every bug going. My DS1 missed about half of his nursery sessions for the first 6 months. If I had been working it would have been stressful beyond belief. Getting that immunity period (or whatever you want to call it) over BEFORE going back to work is extremely sensible!!!!

Quenelle · 17/06/2011 11:25

I don't see anything wrong with it at all. But a baby group is the last place I'd want to be if I found myself with some baby-free time.

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 17/06/2011 11:29

YABU and very judgemental.

Sounds like a sensible idea to me, esp if she is planning on going back to work - makes the seperation easier all round! I wouldnt go to the baby group though but like someone else said, maybe her mates go and she wanted a chat!

Me time is very important so good for her!

Ragwort · 17/06/2011 11:29

Good for her - I am a SAHM and used a childminder one morning a week before DS went to playschool (and I made sure he got a place there early as well ) - some people need time alone/to do their own thing etc and what is wrong with that?

Agree the baby group thing is a bit odd but maybe she was meeting someone there.

GwendolineMaryLacey · 17/06/2011 11:35

I would judge a bit because the point is that she's not a SAHM, she's on mat leave and her work are allowing her or paying for her to be at home with her child. So assuming it isn't settling in days etc etc then I don't think it's on. A SAHM needing a break is totally and utterly different.

pingu2209 · 17/06/2011 11:55

I did that. I put my ds1 and ds2 into nursery at 5 months old for 2 half days a week, building up to 2 whole days at 6 months old because I was going back to work when they were 7 months old and I wanted to be comfortable that they would settle. It was especially important when it was my first baby as I was really upset dropping them off at nursery and cried for hours. I'm glad I could go home and cry rather than into work on my first day.

I felt weired without them at first, but it was nice to have time to myself at home.

However, I'm not sure I would turn up to a mum and baby group without my baby. Perhaps she just really likes the company of the other mums?

Birdsgottafly · 17/06/2011 12:05

It may not just be for her or the baby's sake but for them all, as a family. Some couples find the whole first parent experience abit overwelming. She might be using the time to clean, sort out the house and have a nice tea cooked for when they are all together. Being overstressed as a couple can end a relationship, not everyone has family help.

She's paying for regisisted childcare where the baby will be well looked after, how they want, i don't see what the problem is.

I was a SAHM with my first over twenty years ago, childcare wasn't easily available, unchecked and very expensive, it was tough, the way we were indoctrinated that we had to turn ourselves into martyrs when we became mothers was ridiculous. There was alot of valium use about.

I would imagine that both parents of this child has chosen to do this for the best reasons.

fluffy123 · 17/06/2011 12:12

I think it is a brilliant idea. The baby gets used to going to nursery before they get to that really clingy stage at about nine months where they often get upset as soon as mum leaves the room.

perrinelli · 17/06/2011 12:24

At first I thought this does sound a bit weird, but then thinking about it when I was on maternity leave with DD1 my Mum used to come up for one day a week, we'd sometimes do stuff together or I would quite often take the opportunity to go off and do things on my own like shopping, hair cut, leg wax, dentist etc which are all a bit more tricky with a little one! And I also used the gym creche for 1 - 1.5 hours a couple of times a week which was really important for my mental health.

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