AIBU to expect dp to clean to my standards?

[shavmcv]

I'm not a clean freak or have OCD and I prefer my house to look lived in rather than like a showhome , however I do like it clean and tidy . I hate wen my dp and dd don't put things away after they r finished with them . Dp and I work shifts so if I am on backshift and come in at 11pm I expect to not have to clear the bathroom floor of the clothes dd had on before her bath , or make dd packed lunch , or take the load of washing out that I put on before I left for work etc etc .

Now don't get me wrong dp is quite domesticated , I think it's the new generation of men !! But I usually have to give him instructions and I feel like I'm treating him like a child. An I think he feels like that too .

How can I get him to have the house like I would have it without having to leave a list of "to do's" and instructions . I take care of the finances , repairs and diy , arranging childcare - pretty much the running o the house as a whole . And even when I am not there or he is doing things it's only because I have noticed it needs done and asked him to do it .

He is a great partner soon to be husband and father but how can I get him to take charge ? Eg I'd like him to go "oh the cupboard needs cleared out, il do it" rather than either waiting on me to do it or waiting on me to ask him
to do it .

How can I get him to have the house like I would have it without having to leave a list of "to do's" and instructions

You cant!! He will have his own way of doing things and you have yours - if you want it done how you do it then you will have to leave him instructions. Hats off to him though...my DH does stuff but I think if I left him instructions on how I want him to do it he would tell me where to stick those instructions

YANBU, its the only thing other than his parents we've ever argued about, his cleanliness. Infact had another blazer about it yesterday so no real advice only sympathy. My DH is dyspraxic so for me its slowly training him because presently its all greek to him and hes so forgetful, rather than a bit lazy.

I don't know.

I don't care if the house is clean 'to my standards' but I share your desire to get him to be proactive.

YABU to expect him to clean to your standards, but picking clothes of the bathroom floor isn't cleaning. It's basic. This doesn't sound like it's about differing standards but about whether he does any housework at all.

Here's another view (man muss immer umkehren): maybe he'd like you to relax to his standards.

Yanbu
but
yabu(unrealistic)

So you want him to walk into a room and just notice what needs doing and crack on with it like you would?
Good luck with that!

YABU. Nobody will clean your house to your standards.

It is fair to expect some kind of minimum standard from him but you need to accept that he's NEVER going to look at a cupboard and think "oh that needs clearing out" and crack on with it. If he's happy to do things when asked, then ask away to your heart's content!

Differentiate between DP and DC. For DC they need to do the basics like picking up clothes, sorting themselves out for next day etc (depending on age of course).

With DP its your standards vs his standards - you are in for a real uphill battle if you ask DP to do stuff your way to your standards. Its easier IMO to divide up tasks so its clear who does what, and the ones you give DP you will have to accept they will be done his way to his standards, or you will just wind up doing them again.

YANBU but it sounds like he just isn't taking responsibility for his share of the housework, which is a different issue to how he does it.

(Declaration of interest: I'm a man)

When I was still living with my ex the housework was a big bone of contention. Since she moved out I've discovered why. There's a scale of house cleanliness from 10 (showroom perfect) to 1 (looks like Shrek's swamp and has livestock living in it).

My ex would clean when it got down to about an 8. I clean when it gets to 6. Therefore she did more housework than I did because I looked at a room, or a cupboard or whatever and genuinely thought that it was good enough whereas she would get all pissed off and bustle about cleaning.

YABU to want him to clean to your standards () but YANBU to want him to be pro-active in cleaning.

I don't have any good advice really, since this problem largely (though not entirely) disappeared from my relationship when DP and I had to live apart for 6mos for work reasons and he periodically needed to clean up his flat for LL inspections. Then he seemed to realise that if you do cleaning every week, it doesn't turn into a huge once-every-five-weeks panic. And also, there was no laundry fairy. He is much better now.

I'd sit him down and NOT say anything about your standards but rather that you feel like his manager at work and you shouldn't have to. Say you are tired of 'noticing' stuff for him to do and you want him to start 'noticing'. FFS this is basic - my parents trained me to do this when I was a child. You walk into the living room and last week's newspaper is all over the floor? - bin. You walk into the bathroom and there's soap scum all over the sink? - you clean it. Etc. Not hard.

Snorbs that is a good point. It is also important to give a little and compromise.

E.g., when we moved in more recently DP said he thought the bathroom needed cleaning only once a fortnight (blech). I said no, I thought that was really gross and pointed out all the old shaving hairs stuck behind the sink taps etc. So we agreed once a week. But DP also said that he didn't think washing up needed doing after every meal, esp if we were tired, so now we often leave it till the next day. That would've bugged me once but now, I don't mind.

But the point is: this was agreed-upon, not just DP deciding not to wash up or me deciding to be a martyr and scrub the bathroom every Saturday.

I don't think I could live with anyone again.

My housework standards are pretty low, as long as the children have clean clothes, and the bathroom and kitchen are ok that'll do.

And I never, ever iron.

Op as someone else said you have your way he has his. Simples. As long as he does his fair share then you cannot ask him to live up to your standards.

What karma said - some of what you describe is pretty basic, you should be able to agree on that.

When you discuss it with him, are these things he actually thinks don't matter, or does he accept they need doing but forgets to do them?

My DH is muckier than me and I reckon it's fair we compromise and meet in the middle - but where there are things that he or I both know need doing and one or other of us consistently forgets, that's not on. Eg., it's not like DH doesn't know we have to do a wash before he gets clean pants - no amount of compromizing about 'standards' changes that!

(I win the pants one, btw, because unlike DH I took the wise student approach of buying mahoooses of knickers, so he always runs out first. Good tip for marital harmony, that.)

Tink - haha he so would !!!

Snorbs - that makes complete sense to me !!

Thanx to everyone for the comments really appreciate everyones opinion

I think it's became habit now that he thinks if I dont ask him to do it he thinks it doesn't need done .

I've become quite a worrier - and he is so laid back !! I feel like because he doesn't worry he doesn't get how I feel cos I am constantly worrying about all the things that need done , the bills that need paid , etc etc . Plus the fact we are due to get married I'm worrying about that as well and I feel he just isn't doing enough to lightened my load so to speak . An I really don't want to carry these things on into our marriage I love him to much .

at bluddy.

My arse does require capacious support, I'll have you know.

Snorbs, that is a very good way of putting it. I think you have just helped me to see the light

shavmcv, Talk to him, make sure he understands how much stress this is causing you and how unhappy with the situation you are. And split the tasks so that he has his own things to worry about. So for example, you are responsible for the living room and kitchen and will keep those clean. He does the bedrooms and bathroom. You cook the dinner, he does the finances. Make sure it's 50-50 and he does his share. If he's a reasonable man, he'll just get on with it and you won't have to worry.

umm sit down and agree between you a 'done' list of what constitutes a tidy room. Do one for each room, stick list on the room of each room. Decide when the list has to be followed, every day at the end of the day, during the day, before work.....etc etc.

You can either choose rooms you'll be responsible for or just decide to do it between

You have to agree, so you might have to lower your standards.

This worked for us. We no longer use the lists but the general standard of the place is much tider, and dh knows what needs to be done.

golly, that was long!

more: for the wedding a shared to do list on the Internet, Bankpack is a good place to start.

Read 'Getting things done' by David allen. Very useful.