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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Please read I cant even think of a title.

59 replies

LilQueenie · 15/06/2011 14:57

First of all I apologise if this is the wrong place for this. I honestly dont know where to put it and I have just read through all the topics available.

Basically DPs brother has been banned from going anywhere near me and my unborn child. This is due to constant ranting, threats, intimidation, violence and basically being a pain n the arse. He does have a mental health issue but has been babied therefore accepts no responsibility. Baby is due in 2 weeks and Ive been told there is a possibility DPs brother will do something. Not sure what exactly but possibly involving social services at some point. I had a thought of contactng them of my HV and letting them know of that possibillity. I hate the thought he may do this and I have social services breathing down my neck for no reason. I cant relax and Im dreading the baby coming now. :( Any advice please.

OP posts:
Inertia · 15/06/2011 15:34

The parents are entitled to protection too- surely if the brother does get violent with his parents then the police should be called to assist them?

If there are mental health issues then he needs professional help to address these. Treading on eggshells around him helps nobody.

MrSpoc · 15/06/2011 15:34

Are you trying to stop your husband seeing his brother?

May be he has some warped view thast you are trying to take his brother away from him is there any way you can re-assure him?

Inertia · 15/06/2011 15:35

Sorry LilQueenie cross post there.

Original poster
LilQueenie · 15/06/2011 15:38

Believe me I have tried to make them see sense but they are a 'kind of thier own'. I havent stopped DP from seeing him although I hate when he does. It always results in an argument. I really want nothing to do with his brother at all. The only other thing I can do is move to another area. Something that is more appealing each day.

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MrSpoc · 15/06/2011 15:43

Op you cannot stop him seeing his brother if that is what he wants. If you are always arguing about it when your husband has seen him then you are building tension and problems. May be this is one of the reasons his brother does not like you.

My ex hated my family and wanted me to stay clear. It did cause tension and a few fall outs. Thankfully she is an ex.

I hope it all works its self out for you all.

topazmcgonagall · 15/06/2011 15:44

Sorry, probably wasn't clear. Meant I think you should call Adult Social Services re DP's brother. His parents can't cope.

Original poster
LilQueenie · 15/06/2011 15:47

No its because there is always something said when DPvisits that winds one of us up. Also because of everything his brother has done to me it feels Im being pushed aside. Ie threatening to have someone scare me away because I am pregnant. And yet DP still speaks to his brother despite siding with me. if things keep going i am moving and sod DP. I think he needs to get it clear Im not putting up with it anymore.

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Original poster
LilQueenie · 15/06/2011 15:50

topaz I would but DP would hold it against me.

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honeyandsalt · 15/06/2011 15:54

:s

Really fantastic posts on this thread. If you are seriously concerned for you & your childs safety, I'd get the out of the area as soon as poss, personally. But you know the situation better than I, maybe this is ott.

MrsTwinks · 15/06/2011 16:16

get it logged and reported with MW and HV at least if you dont want to go to the police. I'm pretty sure the police can log it without needing to get DP parents involved.

not the same but my neighbours gave me hell when i moved in and threatened to have me thrown out for anti social behaviour (walking on my floor/their ceiling!?) and all sorts, it was nasty. After a crying worried call to agent, its on file to treat as suspect any complaints from X as they have a history of harrasment toward the tenant. Council etc also know in regards to then trying to get me an asbo to ignore it. If you report it to someone who can officially log it, It will be recognised that its highly unlikely its anything other than bullshit if he calls SS (thou obvi they'll prob check with your HV just to be safe iykwim) and they will leave you alone.

I understand SP not wanting to upset his parents but when is ge going to draw the line? when his brother moves past threats to action? he needs to think about how he will feel if it gets to that stage and he does nothing. Not trying to scare you but in your situation I would but it to DP in that sense, cos it seems like hes in denial alittle bit.

MrsTwinks · 15/06/2011 16:16

ugg ignore the typos sorry :(

eurochick · 15/06/2011 16:23

I agree with the advice to get it logged. Also print off this thread. If SS ever get involved you can tell them that this was in the offing before the baby was even born!

MatureUniStudent · 15/06/2011 16:26

You said he was on medication, therefore known to the Mental Health team in the community? Has he ever had a section under the Mental Health Act? I would be talking to those that care/monitor your DP's Brother and making them, as well as the police, HV and MW aware of your concerns whilst documenting everything.

You are absolutely doing the right thing. You have also identified that it is emotionally difficult for your DP to sit on the fence, so I would be insisting he opens his eyes and becomes the protective father he needs to be to your precious new bundle that needs protecting soon!

Original poster
LilQueenie · 15/06/2011 16:41

just off phone to DP. He has agreed it a good idea about mentioning to the HV. However as much as he never wants his brother in his house or near me or child he still insists not to talk to his brother if he does have a go at me! Although responding wouldnt be provocation his brother would take it that way. He also doesnt want me to give his brothers name to the hv. I believe he was sectioned once. However his parents wont allow it again and hide stuff so it wont happen. Apparantly they treated him badly there.

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Original poster
LilQueenie · 15/06/2011 17:19

ok thanks to everyone who replied. Incidently just been told by dp that his brother was shouting his mouth off again today about how I am no good and he should leave me. Im guessing that is why DP wont go visit for a bit.

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Al0uiseG · 15/06/2011 17:27

I think there might be a bit more to this than meets the eye Hmm

Also you don't need your partners permission to call the police. Just do it next time there is a threat

His parents won't allow him to be sectioned again??!!!!!! Not really their choice or within their control.

Either your partner puts your safety and your baby's safety first or you MUST get to a place of safety.

The brother sounds dangerous.

Original poster
LilQueenie · 15/06/2011 17:30

Dp says he thinks he is dangerous too because he is unpredictable. Its causing a strain on our relationship. I seriously dont want to put up with it for the rest of my life.

I think there might be a bit more to this than meets the eye

How do you mean?

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Curiousmama · 15/06/2011 17:36

Yes agree with ALOG your dp is also hiding things. Think of you and the baby don't get pressured.

boysrock · 15/06/2011 17:38

Does your dp go to the mw with you? if not he'll never know will he?

From what you say this is a dv situation,this is also a safe guarding issu. You are ery vulnerable and will be more so with a new born, you need help and support,.

i'm sorry to say that your dp is not helping the situaion at the moment, your il's can make decisions for themselves about what they put up with. Your baby can't.

You sound at risk. please tell your mw. don' discuss that with your dp - he is not suporting you adequately. Take advice first.,

Make damn sure you give his name to your mw. I'm not a mental health professional and @I'm not diagnosing but if you think that his personality is to blame then it may be he has a personality disorder. Meds will make no difference.

I apologise for being so forthright but posts have alarmed me.

magentastardust · 15/06/2011 17:46

Don't have long as have to nip out but am in similar situation with DH and his family. His sister has mental health issues and regularly beats and threatens her parents that she lives with.
We have reported and reported to police who aren't interested just come and calm her down then leave again and insist it is a mental health issue. Docs etc try and wash their hands of it too-and when they do get help it is very patient led and she just stops taking her medication but tells the doctors she still is.
The inlaws also play incidents down as they obviosly dont want to have her sectioned as they feel sorry for her so they are therefore willing to live a life on the edge waiting to see what she will do next.
I am the only one who has ever stood up to her which she really did not like-she has been a bit better recently but our baby is due in a matter of days and we know she will kick off /not let parents visit dh us/do something.
We have cut off a lot of contact with her in last few months down to safety of our older DC'S but it so difficult we beg inlaws to keep pushing for help.
Anyway sorry that is not much help but just wanted to let you know that there is someone in similar situation and I know how hard it can be and how hard to get police/social services/doctors to take any notice.

Original poster
LilQueenie · 15/06/2011 17:51

thank you. I believe DP may not want to tell me the depth of problems within his family. So many past friends and GFs have left because of his brother. Also I know he wont tell me everything said at the moment so as not to upset me. Which I can understand and dont blame him for. I have already given his name to a hv so its not like I havent discussed fears before but will be letting them know it did not calm down as I thought it had. And I will definitely be telling them about the possible threat of ss.

boysrock no need to apologise.

Dp and I do have seperate houses and I have stayed at his reluctantly during pregnancy because of illness. However perhaps my saving grace is that when baby is born I will be a little further away from his brother and at my own. DP will be with me every day. Perhaps part of the problem is I feel caged in being too close all the commotion.

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Original poster
LilQueenie · 15/06/2011 17:53

magenta I really do feel for you as this is exactly the same as I am going through. It does help to know someone going through the same issues but I am so sorry you are going through it at all.

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Al0uiseG · 15/06/2011 17:57

What I mean by "more to this than meets the eye". It sounds as if the unpredictable Hmm brother has a hold over your DP?

Your DP should be putting your needs first, you are his partner and the Mother of his child, if you aren't the most important person in his life then there is something wrong with your relationship.

If my siblings or Dh's sister were threatening, even mildly, towards our family unit DH and I would drop them like a stone.

He actually sounds as if he is a threat to a wider circle than just you, these incidents need logging and the police need him on their radar should his behaviour escalate.

MagentaStardust. You might be doing your inlaws a favour if you play up your sil's behaviour to get her sectioned. Think of your baby!

Al0uiseG · 15/06/2011 18:00

X post! So there is a history but your DP won't discuss it with you?! I would insist he does, there may be genetic issues that you will be expected to deal with when your own baby arrives.

magentastardust · 15/06/2011 18:15

Alouise -I am lucky DH finally had enough of putting up with her behaviour after years of trying to help and we havent seen or spoken to her since xmas time-however obviously this makes it very difficult for inlaws to see DH which plays into her hands , however we cant risk having their safety and the chances of her being verbally abusive or violent towards them on our conscience so it is almost easier to let her get her own way and us keep out of the equation to give them an easier life. (we have numerous times offered our help to them with police/docs /somewhere to stay etc etc )
Again I am slightly more fortunate than OP that we live 2 hrs away so we dont bump into her or she cant just pop round which definately makes me feel safer. I couldnt live 5 mins away.