to ask DH to have the vasectomy we agreed on even though he would like another DC?

[Bogeyface]

We have just had our 6th and last child. Even if we could afford it, which we couldnt because we cant afford to move to a bigger place and it would mean I couldnt go back to work for even longer plus general living costs etc, my health means I couldnt have another without suffering horribly. I was immobile for most of the last 3 pregnancies which wasnt fair on anyone but especially the other kids. The labour and birth was horrific and each one puts me at greater risk of PPH and other complications.

We agreed before she was born that she would be the last and he would have a vastectomy. But now she is here and a few people have said "ooh anymore?!" and I have said no and he has said...."probably not...." and looked a bit wistful. So I asked him about it and he said that if we could, he would love another. I kind of suspected this would happen but even if money wasnt an issue, I really couldnt go through that again and in his heart of hearts, I know he wouldnt ask me to, but wanting a child isnt that simple is it? Even when I know it is the wrong time or we cant afford it etc, I cant switch off being broody and I dont expect him to either.

We looked into failure rates, which are much higher for female sterilisation so that would worry me. I get pg very easily so I am not sure I would trust being sterilised and would want to use other contraception too, which makes it all rather pointless! As I said, I get pg easily but I dont hold onto them too well, I have m/c in the teens :( and each one is a knife in the heart and that was another big reason for us to get something permanent, we just cant go through yet another loss. We went through 4 to get this baby, and similar numbers to get the others.

So, all that in mind, AIBU to still want him to go ahead with the vasectomy? Or should I have yet another surgery (I have had alot in the last 10 years, which is one of the reasons he agreed to have it done) and get sterilised myself?

i believe it probably is strawberry as i robbed this name off a friend of mine who loves rob zombie.

I only mentioned hysterectomy because the OP was looking for a failure free method. But I agree it would be better just to have her tubes tied.

And love the name then. :o

Well your not being unreasonable to want him to have it however, I think you would be unreasonable to push him into an operation he doesn't want. It's his body and he could be going through some emotional stuff too with respect to age, realizing you wont be having more children etc.

Be careful with other forms of birthcontrol and perhaps take the extra step of charting your cycle so you can really manage the risk. Put him in charge of at least some of that birthcontrol - buying condoms at any rate.

Perhaps he will change his mind? When babies are so young and adorable its easy to start to feel broody about not having more. Perhaps give him some more time?

my wife has mentioned the idea to me , after the two hard births she had she feels i shouldnt make such a fuss about it, and we dont want any more kids , were agreed on that.
because she has sufferd , and i was there , she really sufferd. is it a good reason for me to agree to an operation that, quite frankly, scares me shitless?

Don´t you think that your wife was also scared of giving birth & would also be scared of being sterilised?

Sometimes it´s "easier" for the husband to have it done on the grounds that it´s an outpatient procedure & quicker recovery time.

When it comes down to pregnancy/birth, women don´t have a choice when a couple decide to have children.

But either partner can be sterilised.

bloody hell! I can't believe that people are suggesting hysterectomy as a form of contraception it is a huge surgical procedure with massive implications for health particularly through & after the menopause - it's a ludicrous suggestion and no gynaecologist would consider performing it as a form of sterilisation.

Vasectomy has a failure rate of 1:2000 and is a minor procedure. Female sterilisation has a failure rate of 1:200, requires abdominal surgery and puts the woman at greater risk of ongoing, potentially life threatening complications (ectopic pregnancy). It's a no-brainer in my book - I could not respect a partner who was willing to put my life at risk from high risk pregnancy, birth & surgery because he was a bit scared or squeamish.

YABU.

I know sterilisation is much more serious for a woman than for a man, and that's unfair (but whom are you going to sue?) but ultimately he has the last say about what happens to his body as you do about yours. You can't make this a matter of contract and say "he agreed so he must".

I agree - jesus, hysterectomy for contraception??? It's extremely major surgery and the OP would then enter menopause with all that entails or have to face taking HRT with it's attendent risks.
Even if she got sterilised, it's a much bigger procedure for women than for men, and failure rate after is far, far higher AND if it does fail she risks a life-threatening ectopic pregnancy.
I'd make the bugger wear a condom henceforth.

OP have a look at Essure it's a new form of female sterilisation which doesn't require a general anaesthetic. Tubes are blocked with a small device and it's all inserted via the vagina. This could be the solution you are looking for. I think it has the lowest rate if failure - it is effective from 3 months after the procedure - you have to have a scan to make sure the tubes are blocked. (I am considering it as DH not keen on the idea of a V and Tbh I can see why).

You must not feel bad about denying him another child! He has no right to expect/demand that. Your physical emotional financial practical needs are paramount. I actually am really cross on your behalf that he would even express his "broodiness" - it smacks of male entitlement at it's worst. I bloody well hope he properly shares the care of your 6 DC outside of any time he is physically outside the house earning £!

Did someone seriously suggest that the op has a hysterectomy if she doesn't want more children and that this was preferable to asking get husband to have a vasectomy? No, it's early, I must have dreamt that. I mean, what the actual fuck?

OP I think you are being entirely reasonable. One or two children I might say different but 6 plus mcs plus health issues. I think you've played your part.

Bogeyface - on these type of threads I generally say that no one should be pushed into a vasectomy operation but should agree to take responsibility for contraception.

In your case though, if Iwas your DH, I would have a vasectomy in a heartbeat. You are clearly at risk if you have another pregnancy. It really is that simple.

My wife had a hysterectomy recently and it is certainly not an operation I would ever suggest as an alternative to vasectomy. However, if the consequences are so severe if you get pregnant again then even perhaps a failed vasectomy is too high a risk to take - in that case a hysterectomy may be the only solution. Only a doctor can talk you through that decison although I should warn you that in the UK having a hysterectomy is seen by many doctors are a sort of routine and 'easy' solution. In France for example, it is looked on quite differently and far fewer are done.

His body, his choice.

hysterectomy???? i know i said this already and others have echoed it but what doctor in their right mind would give a woman a hysterectomy if it was a major medical problem like cervical cancer. i know you dont have to go in to the menopause because the dont necessarily have to take you ovaries but other considerations which may not seem important but are a big deal i think, such as never being able to have an orgasm again. i use to joke about wanting a hysterectomy because they wouldnt sterilise me, until i did some research on it after a cancer scare, i would now fight to keep my uterus unless it was absolutely necessary.
though morebeta considering how hard it is to get a female sterilisation, i cant imagine doctors are willy nilly about hysterectomys.

Vasectomies are more easily reversible than female sterilisations, yes?

Plus it seems to be being overlooked that the OP's DH has already agreed to it, but is just being a bit wistful about it now as it approaches. I would have thought this is pretty common among men in his position, as with women having sterilisation. Doesn't mean they don't still realise that long term it is the right thing. Certaintly sounds like it is in these circumstances. YANBU.

YANBU to ask him

But to those saying that he's somehow letting the OP down if he doesn't have it done I feel that's a little unjust. Yes, contraception isn't 100%, but forcing someone to undergo an operation they do not want is surely a bigger issue?

spooks - this undoubtedly an incredibly difficult decision for all concerned and certainly would never tell anyone to have a hysterectomy without very very serious thought.

Having been through it with DW last autumn it is quite fresh and intense in my memory. We had to make the decison in a matter of weeks because of a potentially life threatening illness DW has that me having a vasectomy would not resolve.

We did a lot of research and to be honest we got the strong impression that once a woman has decided to not have any more children UK doctors will tend to recommend a hysterectomy where any kind of potentially serious condition occurs no matter how low the probablity of death is.

Indeed, the doctor said to DW 'if you were my wife I would recommend it'. Our sense was that doctors do tend to take the most cautious approach to avoid legal liability. The logic being, if you don't need your uterus why keep it? Since the operation, DW does feel she was more rushed into the decision than she really felt comfortable with.

Coming back to the OP, I am sure there is a psychological impact for a man or woman in making the decision to terminate their fertility for ever. Your DH is undoubtedly feeling that now but am sure he knows he has to do it. In his position I think I would feel a tinge of remorse too and afterwards always a sense of real worry about it not having worked properly and you getting pregnant again.

All in all, I think you both might need more advice to make sure you are both really happy going forward.

Strawberry, a hysterectomy is a major medical procedure, far more major than a vasectomy and no decent doctor would offer one for purposes of contraception. It might be offered in conjunction with medical disorders for women who've completed childbearing, but not just for contraception, there in addition to the risks surrounding the operation and long recovery, there are long-term risks such as incontinence which may require further surgery.

Thank you all for your input.

I have talked to DH tonight and asked him straight out if he would really want to have another baby and how he felt about the vasectomy.

He said that in a perfect world I wouldnt have SPD or the other health issues, I would have easy births and we would win the lottery and be able to move etc and then, yes he would love another. But in reality we cant have another so we wont. He did say that he wasnt relishing the concept of a vasectomy, but only because he is a bit of a girl about surgery (his words, I let that go....:o)

So, we have agreed that we will be uber careful until Xmas, using condoms whilst also charting so we avoid that time, and by then we will have agreed for good whether we are going for sterilisation and who will be having it done. That way it gives us time to think and talk, and also for changes of heart on both sides. I am still feeling the after effects of the birth and pg but may well be ok about having the surgery myself in a few months, and allowing him time to think about it and come to terms with it may make it less of an issue for him.

I really do appreciate all the POV, it has helped me to formulate the best way to talk to him and we seem to have reached a compromise so far, but we shall see for sure come Xmas!

xx

Fence sitting here, getting a rather lovely prongy pattern indented into my rather large buttocks:

Both forms of sterilisation are prone to failure, so I agree with your ponderence, that you should both be done. That way, neither of you feel as though you are making the sacrifice, you're working as a team to prevent Bad Stuff (tm) happening. Good for you on being able to talk rationally with your husband. Rationality has been limited in my life since forever, but I sure do love to see a glimpse of other people using that particular gift:o

As an aside, I'm off to look at the essure thing, sounds perfect for me!

Expat, I only suggested it because the OP wanted a solution that was 100% and because there would be medical implications if she fell pregnant again.

I don't for one second think that it is an operation to be taken lightly.

OP, I am glad you and your DH have decided to wait and talk it over, a bit of time to think about the risks of another child may be all he needs.

It's not a solution, Strawberry, because no doctor will do it for reasons of contraception only. In addition to being a very majory operation, the risk of bladder incontinence and vaginal prolapse post-hysterectomy, sometimes requiring further surgery, is not insignificant (particularly if the cervix is removed).

What they might do is suggest sterilisation for both parties, or suggest a form of sterilisation that's more difficult to reverse, such as actually ligating the tubes rather than using clips.

i know nothing about this so maybe im wrong but is there a way for DH to freeze some of his little men before having the snip? so he feels a bit more comfortable

female sterilisation isnt any more certain than male, but even if they cant reverse male they can get sperm, as far as im aware, for IVF. again something that might "comfort" dh