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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask DH to have the vasectomy we agreed on even though he would like another DC?

73 replies

Bogeyface · 15/06/2011 00:32

We have just had our 6th and last child. Even if we could afford it, which we couldnt because we cant afford to move to a bigger place and it would mean I couldnt go back to work for even longer plus general living costs etc, my health means I couldnt have another without suffering horribly. I was immobile for most of the last 3 pregnancies which wasnt fair on anyone but especially the other kids. The labour and birth was horrific and each one puts me at greater risk of PPH and other complications.

We agreed before she was born that she would be the last and he would have a vastectomy. But now she is here and a few people have said "ooh anymore?!" and I have said no and he has said...."probably not...." and looked a bit wistful. So I asked him about it and he said that if we could, he would love another. I kind of suspected this would happen but even if money wasnt an issue, I really couldnt go through that again and in his heart of hearts, I know he wouldnt ask me to, but wanting a child isnt that simple is it? Even when I know it is the wrong time or we cant afford it etc, I cant switch off being broody and I dont expect him to either.

We looked into failure rates, which are much higher for female sterilisation so that would worry me. I get pg very easily so I am not sure I would trust being sterilised and would want to use other contraception too, which makes it all rather pointless! As I said, I get pg easily but I dont hold onto them too well, I have m/c in the teens :( and each one is a knife in the heart and that was another big reason for us to get something permanent, we just cant go through yet another loss. We went through 4 to get this baby, and similar numbers to get the others.

So, all that in mind, AIBU to still want him to go ahead with the vasectomy? Or should I have yet another surgery (I have had alot in the last 10 years, which is one of the reasons he agreed to have it done) and get sterilised myself?

OP posts:
MrsReasonable · 15/06/2011 01:38

"In this case the man wants to avoid a small proceedure so that the OP can go through either a hysterectomy (major surgery) or another MC or pregnancy both emotionally and physically harmful."

Because those are the only options. God forbid they could use a condom.

StrawberryMewMew · 15/06/2011 01:39

It is her body, and if she doesn't want to get pregnant again, she has the choice to have surgery to stop her getting pregnant.

It doesn't matter how many children they have, in the end she cannot ask him to do something permanent to his body that he does not want to.

And she wouldn't be pregnant against her will, I am sure she is fully capable of taking steps to avoid getting pregnant again if that is her wish.

Their rights are both equal here, neither can force the other to do something they do not want.

And as I have already said, male sterilisation can fail.

LolaRennt · 15/06/2011 01:40

Oh I didn't realize condoms were 100 percent safe and never broke? Vesectomy doesn't have the same margin for user error really does it?

StrawberryMewMew · 15/06/2011 01:40

I can't believe this is being referred to as a small procedure!

Medically, it may be minor but the mental implications can be major!

LolaRennt · 15/06/2011 01:41

yes but if it fails it wont result in ectopic pregnancy and risk her life.

SHe can't make him strawberry but she can decide that someone who really loves her would do the procedure and give that ultimatum

StrawberryMewMew · 15/06/2011 01:41

The failure rate is actually around the same as condoms.

StrawberryMewMew · 15/06/2011 01:43

That is a disgusting way to look at it.

If the sexes were reversed the view on this would be completely different.

Anyone who says "you will do this if you love me", is a complete twat and that is emotional blackmail.

StrawberryMewMew · 15/06/2011 01:45

Taken from a health website.

Some other points about vasectomy

Don't consider having the operation unless you and your partner are sure you do not want children, or further children. It is wise not to make the decision at times of crisis or change, such as after a new baby or termination of pregnancy. It is best not to make the decision if there are any major problems in your relationship with your partner. It will not solve any sexual problems.

Doctors normally like to be sure that both partners are happy with the decision before doing a vasectomy.

LolaRennt · 15/06/2011 01:45

In general maybe. But it depends on user error, or like me and dh we split loads during sex before we started ttc. I rember one occasion we split 2 in the same session and i needed the MAP

StrawberryMewMew · 15/06/2011 01:46

2 in one session!? Shock

But as you said, you were able to take the morning after pill.

LolaRennt · 15/06/2011 01:47

That is a disgusting way to look at it.If the sexes were reversed the view on this would be completely different.Anyone who says "you will do this if you love me", is a complete twat and that is emotional blackmail.

It wouldn't work that way though, there are no circumstances where Dh's health would be improved by me having a hystertomy. But I can tell you if there were.. I wouldn't think twice. Because I love him.

spookshowangel · 15/06/2011 01:48

wow strawberry i dont think op is going to hold him down and do the surgery her self. i think if he were to say no i dont want to do this then she would prob say fine, but that doesnt preclude her from getting sterilised her self which takes about 20mins and is a day surgery at marire stokes and about 98% safe. which means that even if he says i want more kids with you the answer is no so he may as well have it, unless he is planning on getting them else were but no talk of forcing him.
think of the mental problems it could cause op to know she will have to go through possible many m/c again a hard pregnancy and horrible labour, have money problems and space issues and guilt over not being able to be here for her other kids while pregnant because her dh wants another child.

StrawberryMewMew · 15/06/2011 01:50

But there are other options. They could learn to use condoms properly. And the MAP is always there if 1 splits.

Do you really think that it is fair if he's unsure about wanting other children? As I have already said, it probably isn't a case of him wanting more but just physically being able to. Taking that away from him could cause him to resent her or could make him depressed. So it could affect his health.

LolaRennt · 15/06/2011 01:51

Well we hadn't seen each other for a month.....

The MAP isn't 100% either though and it could have resulted in a pregnancy. That was a risk physically I could take though. It doesn't seem like the OP can.

StrawberryMewMew · 15/06/2011 01:53

Spook I don't believe the OP would make him to do.

I have only been arguing because the view points are not fair.

And she wont have to go through more miscarriages or pregnancies if they are carefull. God how do the rest of us manage to have sex and not get pregnant every time.

And as you said she can if she wants have a sterilisation herself.

And also you have to think that although they are happy together at the moment things can change. God forbid, they might decide to seperate one day and he may decide he wants more children.

Horrible but always a possibility.

LolaRennt · 15/06/2011 01:54

spookshowangel makes a good point though if the OP gets a hysterectomy her dh won't be having any kids either way. So it makes sense for her partner to do it as its the easiest procedure.

Think we will have to agree to disagree. But OP I think you are definitly NBU

StrawberryMewMew · 15/06/2011 01:54

Haha, if you hadn't seen each other in a month I can understand then. :o

LolaRennt · 15/06/2011 01:55

The abortion thread itself should have shown you how often some women do get pregnant whilst using loads of precautions

StrawberryMewMew · 15/06/2011 01:55

I think agreeing to disagree is a good idea, this could go on for ages and we will get no where. :)

OP I do not think you are U wanting him to have it, only if you were to try to make him have it done.

LolaRennt · 15/06/2011 01:56

Grin we were quite a bit younger though!

StrawberryMewMew · 15/06/2011 01:56

I wasn't on the abortion threads long, they touched a nerve to close to the surface, I gave up after posting a few times as I realise my view point on them is biased.

StrawberryMewMew · 15/06/2011 01:57

I'm only 20 and don't have enough sex to split 2 condoms or one for that matter.

spookshowangel · 15/06/2011 02:04

but the point of the original op is should i ask him to do go ahead with it even though i know he wants another child, so he has in principle already agreed to it but because he wants another child she feels bad about asking him to do it still.
so imagine she would feel bad about denying him another one by getting herself sterilised.
as i can testify to twice accidents happen and as op has said she gets pregnant very easily so she has decided that its time for a more permanent form of contraception.
i personally would want to get my self done so i would know that i never would be able to again what ever the situation. but op i think you need to have a frank and open conversation with your dh about this instead of second guessing what he is thinking. i would get sterilised tomorrow if they would let me but that does not stop me sometime being a bit gooey eyed, you need to get on the same page so you can make your decisions accordingly.

StrawberryMewMew · 15/06/2011 02:06

Okay, I completely agree with your last post Spook.

Out of curiosity and apologies for hijacking but is your name a play on the Rob Zombie song Spook?

spookshowangel · 15/06/2011 02:09

why does everyone keep talking about hysterectomy's? why would op have this done for none medical reasons? since, depending on the type, they would take her cervix and that could effect her ability to have good sex. in order to not have children she would just get her tubes tied, a minor surery, rather than a massive surgery.