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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To confess this here?

81 replies

iMemoo · 14/06/2011 11:30

I have to say this out loud just once.

I hate being a mum

I love my children to the ends of the earth and would die for them. I really wouldn't be without them for anything.

But I hate the responsibility, the drudgery, the constant moaning and fighting. I hate having to wash their clothes and make them meals. I hate never being able to leave the house without it taking 2 hours. I hate never having time to be me or having even 5 minutes for the simplest of daydreams.

OP posts:
Original poster
iMemoo · 14/06/2011 14:21

I'm so relieved that I'm not the only one!

We've just 'nipped' to the shop for milk. It took us 45 minutes to basically get to the end of the street and back! I hate it, by the time we got back I needed a Valium!!

OP posts:
Binfullofmaggotsonthe45 · 14/06/2011 14:21

I seriously think you should look for something part time op, as i did for the first 3years, to get a balance. Even if it just voluntary like the local charity shop, hospital tea trolley, anything for a short burst into the adult world.

RockStockAndTwoOpenBottles · 14/06/2011 14:32

NO, I don't think YABU. My three older children have less than 3 years between them all and I spent the first 6 years of motherhood in a seemingly never-ending life of drudgery. I was on my own after my divorce and even a trip to get a paper was a highlight, if only to have a brief adult conversation.

They are all now teenagers and I have a 2 year old. But this time I find it very different - not least because there is one to deal with! I do love being a mum, always wanted to be one and wouldn't swap it for the world. I AM loving every second of this second burst of small child-dom, possibly because I am older and wiser, not to mention calmer, and possibly/probably because it is highly likely she will be my last child.

I would definitely suggest getting something part-time, if only for a small sense of identity and a couple of hours of non-tugging, non-whinging that accompanies these irksome creatures!

mrsbiscuits · 14/06/2011 14:59

OMG OP I could have written this! I love getting to work in the morning. Calm descends and I am the master of my own day (well for 6 hours at least) I have never been maternal but was extremely happy when I first got pregnant, I tried so desperately hard when on Mat Leave with DS1 to get into the whole, making, baking toddler group thing but just hated it. When DS2 came along I vowed that I would no longer bother and leave it to someone else. So I go to work and he goes to a lovely nursery who do all that maddeningly dull creative stuff with him. Some people are earth mothers and some ( like me ) are not. I have friends that get so excited about weekends and holidays and all I can think off is sheeeit I'm going to have to look after my own children for days on end! ;) I sometimes feel racked with guilt about the way I feel but it doesn't change it. I love my boys but I could never be a SAHM they'd end up hating me ! ;)

clemetteattlee · 17/06/2011 00:14

OP, have you had a chance to think about how to get some more time for yourself?

BitOfFun · 17/06/2011 00:20

I think it's difficult when you've had the relative freedom of older children to go back to the beginning. It's one of the reasons I have decided to draw a line under having more children, despite feeling that finally, I am in the right relationship. You are just in a different headspace.

Make some time for you, and remember that This Too Shall Pass.

MrsBethel · 17/06/2011 10:29

"Thats just it! You can never switch off, you can't just stop being Mum for an hour or two. So no matter what you're doing your mind is always on the kids."

I feel the same.

I think there's a pretty wide spectrum of how 'switched on' parents are. At one end you've got parents whose kids run riot and get fed junk food - they don't seem to give a shit about their kids. At the other you've got people like you and I - trying so hard to do everything right that we get stressed out and feel like our minds are not our own.

I'm trying to learn a little bit from the shit parents, and learn how to relax a bit more.

TakeMeDrunkImHome · 17/06/2011 11:26

Your not alone, soooo not alone! I am just now able to say that I really really enjoy being a mum, my DD is 8 now and she is great. I have huge guilty feelings about her babyhood/early childhood as I didn't enjoy it, at all, I feel I failed her. I know that I didn't but the fact that I didn't enjoy it makes me feel like that. Now, at this age, I would say we are happier than we ever have been.

electra · 17/06/2011 11:31

No, you are not alone, I often feel this way, particularly as I have a toddler at home all day who makes constant mess at the moment. While I'm busy cleaning and tidying in one room, she's in another causing total chaos. I could scream sometimes!

LineRunner · 17/06/2011 11:36

You are certainly not alone. When mine were younger, by the time I got to work at 9am I was already completely exhausted and pissed off. The thought of having to pick them up from school or childminder after a day's work was pretty grim.

But all the posters here are right when they say it gets better. It gets really better.

Example: my teenagers looked after ME last night when I came home from a horrible work-related experience. They hugged me, talked to me, made me feel worthwhile.

MrsDanverclone · 17/06/2011 12:39

YANBU
I have loved all the stages of my children's development, through babyhood, toddlerhood etc but then I have always suspected I was a strange individual.
But it is only now that they are teenagers, that I feel I have really got 'me' back.

Parenting mostly consists of mundane, perpetual chores, with a few loving and humorous highlights thrown into the mixture, to keep you going.

porcamiseria · 17/06/2011 13:13

are you a SAHM? just curious

porcamiseria · 17/06/2011 13:14

aha you are, this scares me as DP is a SAHD, I really hopes he does not feel like this :-(

Binfullofmaggotsonthe45 · 17/06/2011 13:24

I don't think my dh, when he is sometimes a SAHD really does, he just sees it as extra time to read the paper, while my ds is digging a massive hole in the garden for a dinosaur.

My ds told me that once that when i call to say I am leaving work dh then goes mental rushing round the house to clear up!

He doens't carry any of the guilt or bad feeling or boredom.

IWillOnlyEatBeans · 17/06/2011 13:30

YANBU.

I was desperate to get back to work when DS was 9 months old.

Sadly, he didn't settle at all with his nanny (we had a nanny share arrangement with another local family) - he stopped eating and drinking :(

So I gave up work and am now a SAHM (DH works full time). I was really nervous about it but am actually finding it quite good fun. Mainly because I never think more than a day ahead (if I ponder the reality of a whole week spent feeding the ducks and singing Incy Wincy Spider 500 times I feel the panic starting to rise. It gets worse if it's raining!).

I love my boy so so much but would love a break from being his Mum for a while!

ClarasMummy · 17/06/2011 13:46

YANBU

Being a SAHM is the hardest most tiring and most lonely thing I've ever done in my whole life. I feel so Sad that I don't enjoy it or aren't as good at it as other mothers seem to be. I know how fortunate I am to have two beautiful children but I have never enjoyed them like I imagined I would.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 17/06/2011 13:49

I know exactly what you mean, Memoo, the responsibility is awesome and awful and to me, quite terrifying at times, that you have such an input into the development of adult human beings. Confused

We can only do our best, with the support that we have and the choices that we make, knowing that whatever else, we love our children and will only ever act in their best interests.

juneau · 17/06/2011 14:00

YANBU - not from where I'm sitting. I find it really hard ATM with a 3-year-old and a newborn. My DH keeps moaning that it was just getting easier and now we're back at the coalface and he's right, but at least this time I can see the light at the end of the tunnel, so I'm taking the long view!

I'm really looking forward to having older kids. I'm not good with mess, vomit, crying, lack of sleep and the utter selflessness and patience that's really helpful with young children, but the 3-year-old is gradually getting more rewarding. He loves books, animals, cooking, gardening, travel and takes such an interest in the world around him. I feel like it's the start of the bit of parenting I'm going to enjoy. But I've got a lot of the kind of drudgery you talk about to get through first ...

JumpOnIt · 17/06/2011 14:14

YANBU. I am there with you! I love my DD. She is such a good child. And I work full time so I really shouldn't be complaining.

BUT my DH is a good bit older than me and we had agreed not to have any kids. I really don't have a maternal bone in me and he has a son with xW. He is really in Grandad territory with our DD. She was a complete accident and a real shocker. He works away for all but twelve weeks per year and that just seems to make it all worse!

To be completely honest, I am jealous of my colleagues swanning off to the pub on Friday night while I do the nursery dash. I have missed out on more work opportunities and promotions in the last four years than I care to remember. I know I am selfish and I hate the fact that exept for the said twelve weeks per year, I can't even have a pee in peace. I hate feeling like the only time I get to myself is the six or so hours when I am asleep!

I have never said this out loud. So many people I know really want kids and are struggling to have them and I'm complaining! Really glad I'm not alone!!!

feistychickfightingthebull · 17/06/2011 14:58

YANBU, I have been finding my six year old highly irritating lately - so much backchat and rudeness on the school run that when I get to work I am always frazzled and about to totally lose it. It's the usual why do we have to listen to the music you like; why this, why that aarrghh

MsTeak · 17/06/2011 15:07

Its the soul crushing monotony that gets me.

Get them up, get them clean, get them dressed, change nappies, make breakfast, clean up, school run, do baby stuff, school run, another school run, make lunch, clean up lunch, shop, clean, make dinner, clean up after dinner, wash clothes, wash floors, hoover, clean some more......someone fucking KILL me before I die of sheer boredom.

My children can be lovely, delightful and fun. But the majority of my life revolves around the endless drudgery and grunt work that goes with them, and sometimes I wonder what the fuck I was thinking of at all.

clemetteattlee · 17/06/2011 20:28

I know how lucky I am, and appreciate that other people would lve to be in my shoes, but it is so reassuring to read that I am not alone in these "dark" thoughts.

unfitmother · 17/06/2011 20:32

YANBU!
Get a job - I was much happier when I went back to work. Grin

PinkSchmoo · 17/06/2011 20:35

Mine are still little but can I advise you to ditch the baby groups? You can maybe get some time to yourself and avoid the stepford wives thang which they seem to breed?

cobbsie · 17/06/2011 20:49

Yep.
Its damned flamin hard...and I think harder the more independent you were before having kids.

I had 1 (yep a whole shining 1 try) and realised that actually that was mindblowingly full on so stopped there and top up the socialisation and counter the negatives that can come from having a single through having her part attached to a large extended mad family where she is just a tiny pea in an ocean of veg!

It gets easier the more independent they become.

I totally disagree with being more organised making it less full on...no matter how organised you are its the repetiveness of it all that become nightmarish at times.

To my mind it doesnt matter. it doesnt matter if the washing is done, finding that they have actually sneaked out to school in the same damned socks all week (regardless of nagging) or that greasy hair is the new trend and nightly hairwashes become a screaming nightmare. it doesnt matter. its life. it doesnt matter what the person next door says or is doing with her kids...its whats right for you. ignore the negative vibes.

Best is to arrange a little you time...rules being no kids/no pressure/no responsibility for a few hours every so often...just give in to having just a bit for you. Beg steal and borrow time from friends family and afterschool care and allow the fabuousness of it all recharge your batteries knowing that they dont stay young for long and it will all get easier over time :)