LONG and ranty...sorry , But AIBU

[fit2drop]

To not say thank you

When dsd (27) vacuums the house.

I work full time, often leaving the house at 8.30am and not returning home till between 6 or 7pm. DH works full time and every other week is on call out 24/7 so in effect only has every other weekend free.

DSD came back to live here in January after her relationship failed. No problem with that, Much better she is with us than the abusive twat she was with. However a month before she left him she gave her job up(thats a whole different story) So she came to us, penniless and unable to claim for (I believe 6 weeks) because she was suspended from claiming. Plus because she is living with her parent she cannot claim any rent benefit.
So since January she has not paid anything towards her keep. A month ago she got a job, just 16 hrs a week but at least she is working.
Still no offer of rent.
She has applied for and paid for a passport, she has applied for and paid for a learner licence?? why?? she cant afford lessons yet nor can she afford a holiday yet.
My argument is she could have offered some of that as her rent.
This weekend she went to London (wembley) for a concert.
She regularly has her nails done and her hair is a different colour every week.
She regularly spends the night out... but comes home for showers and to raid the fridge.
I do not have a problem with this except I think she should be paying something towards her keep. She has a lovely room which we bought her a new bed/bedding/wardrobe/TV etc when she came home as she had nothing.

She has probably cleaned the house -vacuumed and dusted- 6 times since being here and she has not cooked a single meal...even when home all day and me and her dad are at work
Now I know she is not our cleaner -slave- but I totally lost it when I came home today and she had not bothered to put some pots in the dishwasher. It became obvious why, because the dishwasher was full of clean pots and it would have meant her putting them away I guess

I feel that I am working a second job and her dad is doing extra hours to keep her in nail extensions and hair products , because lets face it , she can only afford these because she isnt paying her way.

I do not have the disposable amount to spend on me as she does and for some selfish reason it rankles .
I have needed my hair cutting and colouring since Christmas but cannot justify spending that amount just yet, due to recession, increase petrol costs etc

I know she is our DD
I know I would never want her on the streets or see her go hungry
but AIBU to expect her to at least offer something...as a gesture.
And /or at least clean without expecting me to say thank you.
I appreciate it being done, but when I get home and she says "I have cleaned up FOR YOU!!! OR I have washed up FOR YOU.I got bloody angry and said NO, ...you have cleaned up.Great . But you didnt do it for me, you live here too.
and when you come home you dont say "Thank you for cleaning up and washing up Mrs fit2drop" do you , and I do it every fecking day!!! on top of my job!
DH has told her three weeks ago she needed to start paying something... she said OK.... then last week she said she had lost some hours (she only does 16) DH said " that is not our problem"
I told DH I felt like we had in effect funded her trip to London , which considering we have had to cancel our holiday makes me very resentful

BUT she is our DD....

OH and on Friday we had a day booked off work for a wedding. DD was asked to do one thing, which was feed the dogs as we would not be home till late.

She "forgot"

I think that was the straw that broke the camels back

YANBU. She sounds quite selfish atm. I'm sure you didn't raise her this way as you seem to be aware that you and your DH are being treated like her slaves, not the other way around.

I'd suggest a weekly or monthly amount and if she can't make it she should leave. As long as it is less than somewhere else then she will have the sense to stay and actually may be grateful if you make it obvious that it is a real deal and not an empty threat. Maybe she needs to re-realise she is an adult and capable of standing on her own two feet? Getting her to face the reality of living alone in the real world might help.

Or maybe she could take you for your haircut and nails as a peace treaty

Not feeding the dogs, particularly under the circs described would lead to her being in deep shit here. I'd expect my own DDs to do that if I went out for the day (DDs are 14 and 16) and know that they would. If they didn't there would be hell to pay. You don't just "forget" to feed the family pets! Nor would they get away with not emptying the dishwasher or helping out - yes they try it on but they don't get away with it and are expected to muck in, as you say they make the mess too, they must help clear it up.

I'd also expect my DDs, when they are in that position, to pay towards their keep - I can't run a family on love alone.

You're clearly treating her as a daughter, you're not being the wicked stepmother and she's taking the piss. YAdefinitelyNBU!

Thank you, I had allowed myself to get really wound up about this whole sorry saga . I think I know I am not BU. Orbinator she really does know the reality of living independantly and prior to this ex has always been pretty independant of us.
DogsBestFriend exactly!!! she knows the dogs are important.She knows how difficult it is for us to leave them for extended times. We never do unless someone can be here,. DH always comes home at Lunch time and I come home at 2.30pm before going to my second job , hence the late finish .
They are always fed at 5.30pm . So when she said she had gone to bed early cos she was tired..I was proper pissed cos it meant not only were the dogs hungry,they hadnot had any company for extended time either. In the grand scheme of things it doesnt matter now, they are fine but I was furious at the time.

It sounds as if she has been treating it as a bit of a holiday. Get her to pull that well manicured finger out again and explain the Fun Bus is over :) If she's done it before she can and will do it again (live independently, that is!).

Did you say 27 ? She is taking the piss.Ask her dad to have a word again.If no response chuck her out.

If she paid you rent, would you be happy with her living there, or would you still be annoyed that you're cleaning up after her, buying and cooking her food, dealing with her strangely teenage attitude, etc, etc. Because I think you would.

You and your DH should agreee a timeframe for moving her out. If she can regularly pay you the rent you deserve, she can find a shared flat/house for the same price. You might need to, umm, support her gently towards independence.

Have I read this correctly? She is TWENTY SEVEN? A fully adult grown woman? What The Friggin Fuck!

Triphop yes I would be happy for her to live here, after the abusive controlling relationship she was in I feel more settled that she is at least safe and is getting food.. Its the (as you correctly put it) strange teenage attitude that I resent. If she WAS a teen then maybe I could accept it more easily,
I fear we have allowed this to go on too long and have created dependency whilst wanting her to "sort her life out" with the cushion of home comforts.
We have created a monster, but I am at a loss as to how to approach it and just get angry when she tells me she has "done" something "for me"!!

it just makes my teeth itch when she says such annoying crap.

TakeMeDrunkImHome exactly!! I know

Thank you for replies but I have to go to bed (up at 6.30am) so I am not ignoring just very tired , but will look tomorrow to see if anyone has any ideas how to broach this without too much dischord.

I think the three of you need to have a calm meeting about this, so that you can all agree what DSD should contribute to the household in terms of domestic labour and/or rent. At present it sounds like you seethe about it, then explode.

i never say this but OH MY GOD!! she is older than me!! how does she think the food gets in the fridge? where does she think the money comes from? i cannot believe that a woman of 27 has not considered that it costs her parents money to have her living there!! why has it not entered her head to offer you money? she is unbelievable. i'm not sure what you can do but i would be having a very frank discussion with her. she isn't a teenager that is still in education. she is a fully cooked adult. no need for pussyfooting round it IMO.

Adding to what I said above.....I'm not surprised it makes you angry as it sounds she is being very lazy and taking you for granted.

It is unclear how direct you have been with her. She obviously is clueless and selfish and will get away with whatever you let her.

Yes as others have suggested, a calm, clear, direct, easy to understand chat is due. She may be selfish but she can't mind read. Sounds like your DH agrees which is one less worry. But for goodness sake stop suffering needlessly for such a selfish young woman to benefit.

Time to tell her straight. People that take the piss need to be told clearly.
Explain that you both work full time & it is not to fund her. She needs to pay towards bills or move out,within a timeframe agreed by you & your husband. Tell her that you don't understand how she is not appreciating costs as she has always been independent before & perhaps if she can't contribute sensibly she needs to be 100% independent somewhere else.

All very annoying - YANBU
I would approach it a bit like a businnes meeting. Tell her in advance, there will be a meeting to discuss household chores, expenditure etc.
Write up your own agenda and let her have a copy to avoid going off track with arguements about who did what. Say 'I feel' rather than 'you dont...'
Keep asking how she thinks that could be resolved.
Get dad to chair the meeting. Buy some buns, keep it all civil and 'proffessional' and the meeting doesnt end until issues are resolved and minutes have been taken!

YANBU she is 27, 3 years older than me, can't imagine a grown woman acting like that! She needs to grow up!

I was fully prepared to say yabu, because this is a situation i was in a few years back (finished uni, no money or job, parents let me live with them rent-free for a few months) However, i did all my own laundry (as well as putting some of theirs in to make up a load most of the time), painted the garden fence for a fiver a panel (no job, no benefits because of studying) cooked meals, made sure there was always milk/bread etc, cleaned, hoovered... And said thank you every time a meal was put on the table for me, or shampoo was bought for me to use, or i came home from my p/t bar job to find my sheets on the line because mum had "been doing them anyway"

DSD sounds rude and far too entitled for her own good. I'm 2 years older, and wouldn't want to be mates with her

YANBU

But have you asked her to pay rent and help out more?

Of course it would be nice if she offered without being asked, but since she hasn't, best to speak to her about it calmly, like others have suggested.

I have had the same problem with my stepkids. It sounds like your husband is supportive in this (which mine was too), so at least you can present a united front to her, as she WILL just carry on this way unless you put your foot down.

She needs to look for a full time job, (I know, its a tough market at the moment, but she still needs to keep at it).

It isnt an easy situation to deal with, but I think you have to weigh up what will benefit YOU most here. I would be inclined to say if she is going to continue working part time, and live rent free, then she has to do jobs around the house to compensate and that will make YOUR life a bit easier, such as the washing, ironing, hoovering, etc. She is an adult living in your house, not a child, and should be pulling her weight more.

Or make a deal with her - she gets to live there rent free in return for doing ALL hoovering, fabric washing, dish washing, bathroom cleaning, dusting, food shopping etc. Make a list of jobs you expect done each day and if she hasn't done them by the end of the day she has to hand over a tenner.

She'll soon find a full time job and a mate with a spare room

Your daughter will only take advantage of you both for as long as you let her.

When she moved back, unless it really was a short term arrangement of a few weeks whilst she sorted herself out, she should have had ground rules to work to.

She needs to pay rent; proper rent. She would have to pay that if she didn't live with you. She isn't going to look to improve her job prospects if she doesn't need to - and she doesn't - because you and her dad are looking after her. She's an adult.

She also needs to do her share of cooking, cleaning, other chores - particularly as she's working part time and you and her dad are working full time. She ought to be offering these things, along with rent, but she's not. That's pretty selfish of her, allowing you and her father to work your socks off whilst she wastes money she doesn't fave and fails to even acknowledge all that you're doing for her.

Treat her as the adult she is and don't let her slide any further.

27?
27?
27?

Meant to say, OP, when you and DH have your talk with her, be very 'matter of fact', don't allow emotion to come into it or you will start backing down.

You have to pay your bills, so does DH, why should she be any different?

Good luck, it's not easy but it's like pulling off a big plaster... get a firm grip and pull it hard and quickly - the pain stops soon after and you don't have to think of it again. Go in 'soft' and you'll have to keep pulling a bit and it will hurt each time with no end in sight.

Post back how you get on, rooting for you here. :)

27?

Time she felt the boot up her bum.

At 27, you're not supporting her, you're enabling her. Do HER a favour and ask her to find somewhere else to live, NOW.

She should be contributing financially and with the housework, that is just doing her share. Is there a reason that you don't feel able to ask her for money and/or help with household tasks?

Purplepidjin's idea sounds perfect to me. Though I do think it is reasonable to thank someone who has done a household chore, even if they don't do much. It makes them feel appreciated, and not taken for granted and might even make them more willing to help out more.

I do agree that, at 27, this lass is old enough to understand that she needs to make some contribution to the household.