LONG and ranty...sorry , But AIBU

[fit2drop]

To not say thank you

When dsd (27) vacuums the house.

I work full time, often leaving the house at 8.30am and not returning home till between 6 or 7pm. DH works full time and every other week is on call out 24/7 so in effect only has every other weekend free.

DSD came back to live here in January after her relationship failed. No problem with that, Much better she is with us than the abusive twat she was with. However a month before she left him she gave her job up(thats a whole different story) So she came to us, penniless and unable to claim for (I believe 6 weeks) because she was suspended from claiming. Plus because she is living with her parent she cannot claim any rent benefit.
So since January she has not paid anything towards her keep. A month ago she got a job, just 16 hrs a week but at least she is working.
Still no offer of rent.
She has applied for and paid for a passport, she has applied for and paid for a learner licence?? why?? she cant afford lessons yet nor can she afford a holiday yet.
My argument is she could have offered some of that as her rent.
This weekend she went to London (wembley) for a concert.
She regularly has her nails done and her hair is a different colour every week.
She regularly spends the night out... but comes home for showers and to raid the fridge.
I do not have a problem with this except I think she should be paying something towards her keep. She has a lovely room which we bought her a new bed/bedding/wardrobe/TV etc when she came home as she had nothing.

She has probably cleaned the house -vacuumed and dusted- 6 times since being here and she has not cooked a single meal...even when home all day and me and her dad are at work
Now I know she is not our cleaner -slave- but I totally lost it when I came home today and she had not bothered to put some pots in the dishwasher. It became obvious why, because the dishwasher was full of clean pots and it would have meant her putting them away I guess

I feel that I am working a second job and her dad is doing extra hours to keep her in nail extensions and hair products , because lets face it , she can only afford these because she isnt paying her way.

I do not have the disposable amount to spend on me as she does and for some selfish reason it rankles .
I have needed my hair cutting and colouring since Christmas but cannot justify spending that amount just yet, due to recession, increase petrol costs etc

I know she is our DD
I know I would never want her on the streets or see her go hungry
but AIBU to expect her to at least offer something...as a gesture.
And /or at least clean without expecting me to say thank you.
I appreciate it being done, but when I get home and she says "I have cleaned up FOR YOU!!! OR I have washed up FOR YOU.I got bloody angry and said NO, ...you have cleaned up.Great . But you didnt do it for me, you live here too.
and when you come home you dont say "Thank you for cleaning up and washing up Mrs fit2drop" do you , and I do it every fecking day!!! on top of my job!
DH has told her three weeks ago she needed to start paying something... she said OK.... then last week she said she had lost some hours (she only does 16) DH said " that is not our problem"
I told DH I felt like we had in effect funded her trip to London , which considering we have had to cancel our holiday makes me very resentful

BUT she is our DD....

OH and on Friday we had a day booked off work for a wedding. DD was asked to do one thing, which was feed the dogs as we would not be home till late.

She "forgot"

I think that was the straw that broke the camels back

Fit2drop,you have been patient, supportive and kind, now you can state your feelings and expectations. It's sometimes hard to phrase these things so as not to create conflict but using an 'I statement' something like this might help...
'I've been upset and frustrated lately, when I've come home from work and find that chores around the house have been neglected, because I think that all the adults in the house should be making their contribution. What I would like, is to get this lodging arrangement on more of a business-like footing, to agree a reasonable rent , to agree on responsibilities around the house and to support you to return to independent living by...( timescale) '
This could be the basis and agenda for the meeting that has been suggested. Wishing you the best of luck.

I don't care about the recession, please, please go to the hairdressers and treat yourself. You bloody well deserve it. Sod everyone else.

I think we revert to being teenagers with our parents. Your daughter is probably very adult outside the home but becomes like a child inside. I went back home for a few months when I was moving from south to the north at about your daughters age and it was very difficult. be honest with your daughter - set a rota for housework and perhaps ask her for some money ie £5 a day and that she buys her own food. Ask her what she think she could do. Sometimes as children we can be very selfish. Only now as a new mum do I understand what my parents went through and why they did the things they did

Thank you all so much .

Some lovely and very sound and reasonable advice here . I think I have gotten so I could not see the wood for the trees iykwim.

Kookysides What you suggest sounds very non confrontational so I may try that tac. If that doesn't work then its Shouty Hamsters way

I truly dont think its about the money/rent issue , though she should as an adult be paying, but I do take on board she is only working 16 hrs . I think its more that I believe she should or could help around the house more, out of courtesy or just to make up for the lack of rent. A sort of payment by deed.

She is well aware that I am struggling with chores at the moment due to a health problem (soon to have op so all be OK then) However I also know that my DDs will come every day after my op until I am ready to go back to work (anything from 5 to 12 weeks) and they will do the house work and prepare meals. They shouldn't have to do this if DSD is here but she judging by her recent behaviour I cannot rely on her doing it.

A few months ago I had to have a procedure done which was a day procedure at the hospital but was only allowed home if someone could be with me for the next 48 hrs. DH would have taken time off his work but first asked DSD (who wasn't working at all then ) if she would stay at home with me. She agreed. She went out
yes she asked if I was OK , and to be fair I felt fine so I said yeah, but looking back, what she did was not what she had agreed.

So anyway
Thank you all for responses. I will address it and will indeed update on outcome. It wont be this week though because she is staying at her sisters house-sitting whilst her sister goes on holiday.

Thank you all :)

and get your hair done, enjoy!

No look you can't afford to get your hair done and she's even getting £100 pw it is not fair that that is all disposable income, she ought to make a serious contribution, preferably by standing order.

Have a sit down with her, you and hubs. You need to think about how much you would charge a lodger for room and food and tell her that sum, then if you wish make a daughter discount, and ask her to pay that in rent. I'd suggest at the very least £50 pw. You also need to set clear expectations about what housework she needs to do. If she protests it isn't fair or some such nonsense, say (calmly) "I have not been able to afford to get my hair done in months, and the housework is painful for me to do. Is that fair?"

Seriously, I'm 28.... ffs. Talk about taking the piss. If she really kicks up, show her this thread ;)