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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To not want dp to be friends with this woman

49 replies

harshmallow · 13/06/2011 14:02

Okay, I'd just like to point out that I don't think (hope!) that my partner has cheated, or been unfaithful before, but there is something about this female friend of his that rubs me up the wrong way. I need to know, is it just hormones (I'm 7 months pregnant, fat and sweaty) or should I put my (swollen) foot down?

About a year ago, my dp started hanging around with a bunch of people that I, quite frankly, think are a bit meh. We live in a smallish town and dp is quite a sociable person, so we inevitably ended up running into this crowd almost daily. We are in our late 20's and they are 2 or 3 years younger than us, but due to their conversation and interests, you'd think that they were in their first year of uni... I am certainly no fuddy duddy, but I'd up yawning at their talk of trance and drug taking and going home early.

Soon, I started to notice one girls name cropping up in conversations now and again, like X said this, or according to X. I decided that maybe I should make the effort to stick around at night. I like to make a point of befriending dp's female friends, and more often than not, we also become good friends. I found this one to be a bit unfriendly and very up herself (albeit pretty :/). Nevertheless, I pushed on and was always nice and chatty whenever I saw her, esp because I realized that this girl liked to bitch about other women. My reasoning was to never give her the chance to create a wedge between dp and me. Even so, whenever I was chatting to someone else when we were out, I'd see her summoning dp over to chat and gossip. I invited her over to dinner once, along with one or two other friends. I made a huge effort to cater to her vegan lifestyle, with 4 different dishes, and she was basically a massive rude cunt and started lecturing me on eating meat. I asked her where she got her lovely leather handbag from (hahahahaha).

Not that long afterward, I fell pregnant (it was semi-planned, though not meant to happen first try!) and she and my dp's best friend started seeing each other casually. Unfortunately, this guy's job then sent him abroad for 6 months. Not long after, I caught dp and this girl texting each other (her far more than him, but he wasn't complaining) and I know that after work they'd meet up (not alone, but still) to gossip and godknowswhatelse. Like I said, I haven't got a problem with him having female friends, but I was obviously not invited to "chat"... I confronted dp with this, and he swears that nothing has ever happened, and that she's just "like one of the guys". Pregnant and hormonal, I dropped the subject.

Then a good friend from another town was visiting his family, and him and X had an affair, while his girlfriend was ill at home. Lack morals from both parties, but still... Then I found out that she had been seeing another guy whose ex is a close friend of mine. They had been together for over 10 years, had a two month old baby, hit a rough patch and split temporarily (or so my friend thought). My friend was left with the baby and a full time job to pay for it, while her ex and this fey dreadlocked skinny bitch had an affair. Oh, and she is openly anti-children, so this guys paid no attention to his kid. Okay, I know this makes him just as much of a massive cunt, if not more, but either she's stupid or very selfish, no? How can you willingly want a man to spend time away from his child?

Anyways, by now I told dp that I didn't want him hanging round her anymore, as it was upsetting me and that my well being should be more important to him than his friendship with her. He said that that was understandable, and that he beginning to see that she is a bit of a pretentious prat anyways. Fare enough. A few days later though, I found him in a café with a bunch of friends, and her sitting next to him...he didn't act guilty though :( I do know that several days a week, afer work, he goes for a drink before coming home, and she's present.
A week ago, he hosted a huge dinner (he owns a restaurant) where she was also present, got massively drunk and didn't come home till 11 the next morning (although his mother saw him asleep in his car i the middle of town at 7.30). He was rather sheepish, and admitted that this crowd were not a good influence on him and that he's stop hanging around them...
Then last night he was acting itchy when he received several text messages. This morning, when he was in the shower, I read them (shame faced!) It was her inviting him out for a drink and that she needed to tell him something. Angry
Okay, my question is: AIBU to put my foot firmly down and say enough is enough, no more friendship with this woman???? I feel that I have been patient enough!! How do I go about this? I do not want to be the big pregnant jealous partner, but this is making me quite unhappy.

OP posts:
MrsReasonable · 13/06/2011 14:06

YABU to tell your adult partner who he is allowed to be friends with ("put my foot firmly down").

YANBU to let him know that this friendship makes you uncomfortable.

LordSucre · 13/06/2011 14:11

just follow them and see for yourself?

dreamingbohemian · 13/06/2011 14:19

It sounds like you don't like this whole circle of friends but are singling out this one woman in particular. Frankly, who she sleeps with is none of your business, and it's not her fault if your DP stays out all night drinking.

YANBU to be unhappy with some of the things going on but you would probably be better off asking DP to distance himself from the group in general, not just one person (how can he avoid one person in a social circle?) and addressing his behaviour, not his friendships.

create · 13/06/2011 14:26

I think you have reason to be unhappy with lots of things in that senario, very few of which are her fault.

Does your DP see this "lifestyle" continuing after the baby arrives?

You can't forbid him from doing anything, but you should expect that he has more consideration for you and the way you're feeling

DoMeDon · 13/06/2011 14:31

YANBU to feel uncomfortable - she does sound predatory - there are a few women like it. Having said that no matter how sly the woman your husband should be able to be trusted with her. I don't think he can be. He has put your wishes and his agreement with you to one side to have a textual relationship with her. he is acting like a child not a man with a child on the way.

anon121 · 13/06/2011 14:33

This kind of reminds me of the whole Ross/Rachel and Emily was it? Where emily? said Ross could not see Rachel if he wanted to stay married to her. Well...was never going to work was it? You cant single out one person in a group that he cannot see.

WobblyHalo · 13/06/2011 14:37

I know what you mean, and I see why you put her history in your op, kind of to give a clearer picture of what she is like. Who she sleeps with has nothing to do with you but the "pattern" does IYSWIM?

Your husband should really have more consideration with how this is making you feel. And no, it's not the group that is making you feel this way, it is this girl, so I see where you are coming from. I don't think YABU. Put that swollen foot firmly down!

NewShooz · 13/06/2011 14:37

I don't think you can tell him not to be friends with her...or anyone for that matter...but I can see why you are unhappy about it.
You will probably find that things will change massively once the baby comes along, your DP will be too tired to go out socialising all the time, and hopefully want to spend every spare moment with your new edition not his mates. With a bit of luck you might find that their friendship fizzles out a bit then!!

TidyDancer · 13/06/2011 14:40

It doesn't sound like this woman is the nicest ever, but you don't have the right to dictate who your DH can be friends with IMO. You have to trust him, and accept that he, as an adult, has the ability to choose his own friends.

LaurieFairyCake · 13/06/2011 14:42

I would be wondering what she needed to tell him - I hope very much he hasn't cheated on you and got her pregnant.

You can't tell him who to be friends with, but you can be around more.

Sausagesarenottheonlyfruit · 13/06/2011 14:45

I can see why you have a problem with this, sounds like your DP has a seperate life from you with this little group.

Also she does sound sly from the examples you give, is she very egotistical? There are lots of people like this I'm afraid who are very self-centred.

I KNOW you can't control who your partner sees, you don't own him etc etc. But you do have a right to a very strong opinion on a destructive friendship/group of friends. If a situation threatens your family then you have every right to express your feelings.
And your DP should be putting you first in all of this, you are carrying his child.

Sausagesarenottheonlyfruit · 13/06/2011 14:50

Just to add, I have in the past seen new fathers being very easily led away from their families.

This is often down to being young, having a young group of friends who don't have adult responsiblities. Working in the hospitality trade is a huge factor, with the drinking culture making it easy to compartmentalise DW and DC.

I am not trying to worry you any further but I have seen this happen time and again with pub workers, hoteliers, restaurant owners.

MindyMacready · 13/06/2011 14:53

Sorry, am I the only one with huge alarm bells ringing!

While you don't have any right to dictate to your partner who he sees, he does sound like he's not being respectful of your feelings.

TidyDancer · 13/06/2011 14:58

That's a whole other issue though, Mindy. If he's not respectful of the OP's feelings, it won't be because of this woman. She may be a symptom of that, but she could be anyone, it's not specific to her, it's about him.

The OP will massively shoot herself in the foot if she focuses her argument on the friendship in question, she needs to discuss her relationship with her DH, not a friendship he has.

clam · 13/06/2011 15:00

No, me too Mindy.
I wouldn't like this either. At All!

knittedbreast · 13/06/2011 15:05

i would follow him along to this drink, or get a friend to and listen to what she has to say.

Lunabelly · 13/06/2011 15:09

YANBU. They are being unreasonable. Although...7 months PG hormones are indeed all over the place...although...

Who am I kidding? That woman sounds like a grade A, class 1 cunt, who is NOT one of the sisterhood. I've had dealings with narcissistic little bitches like her. (If it wasn't for you mentioning dreads and veganism I would think it was my ex best friend Angry )

Be cool. Be wonderwoman. And poo in her leather handbag.

LolaRennt · 13/06/2011 15:17

Put the woman out of your mind for a second.

Dh is about to have a baby and is falling asleep drunk in cars over night.

He is being a twat. Tell him to sort it fast

DogsBestFriend · 13/06/2011 15:17

So this woman is disliked because she is young, pretty, slim, because she's not pregnant, she doesn't like children and because her lifestyle, beliefs and her choice of partners doesn't meet with your approval harsh?

And so you want to tell your partner that he is no longer allowed to see/be friends with her?

YABVU.

If you have concerns about loyalty or fidelity you need to speak to your partner. Telling him he can't be friends with this woman or any other will make for rows at home, cause you both to be ridiculed socially and in all likelihood cause your demands to be totally ignored, certainly by the woman, possibly by your DP, just carried out behind your back with more caution than has so far been displayed.

dreamingbohemian · 13/06/2011 15:20

Dogs brilliant summation, totally agree

DogsBestFriend · 13/06/2011 15:21

Actually Luna this woman sounds like the 20-something me, size, beliefs and all until I read the bit about owning a leather handbag. Oh, and the dreadlocks. No locks here, now or in the past.

Cunt she (and I) may be in your opinion, obliged to follow this nonsensical idea of "the sisterhood" we ain't! Wink

harshmallow · 13/06/2011 15:29

Your posts have given me lots to think about. I've always kept my opinions to myself about my partner's friends, and most of them are also my friends. I really should have mentioned in my op that dp was in treatment for drug addiction when he was younger...for the past few years, he's turned his life around, is employed and plays a lot of sports, but is also a very sociable person. It never worried me too much when he has a few drinks or an occasional joint. A big part of our relationship was about me learning to trust him again, and him being able to set his own boundaries. With this latest group I know that they do quite a lot of cocaine and pills and while I can only hope that dp has not lapsed, it is not healthy for him to be around them. He finally admitted last week that they probably weren't the best of company. As individuals they are mainly quite friendly, and being younger they cannot really understand the seriousness of dp's old addictions. The only one who seems standoffish and that really wants to spend time with him without me is this one girl. I have never really been made to feel jealous before, and the hormones and my feeling insecure about my looks has prob not helped.
All that being said, you are all most probably right when you point out that the problem lies mainly with dp and his childish ways. In many senses he has been lovely, but his daily socializing is beginning to grate, esp when I'm not invited and am sat at home feeling unwanted. This is probably his last ditch at "freedom" so to speak. I certainly won't tolerate this behavior once the baby arrives, and can only hope that he wakes up and smells the breast milk :/

OP posts:
fuzzpigFriday · 13/06/2011 15:35

God they all sound rather immature. It all seems so juvenile, like something I'd eavesdrop overhear from sixth formers on the back of the bus. Hmm hard to believe he owns a restaurant, so must be fairly respectable and organised, and yet he is acting like a twat.

Certainly for you, when your lovely little baby is born, nothing else will matter. Hopefully it'll be the same for DH - do you think he will continue this bachelor lifestyle when you become parents? Do you actually spend much time together right now, alone? Or are you always competing for his attention :(

TidyDancer · 13/06/2011 15:38

Being concerned about the drug taking is certainly not a small issue. You do need to have a conversation about that.

I do hope that your "won't tolerate" comment is not a roundabout way of saying he won't be allowed to choose his friends once your baby is born though, you are in murky waters if that's the case.

lenak · 13/06/2011 15:39

She sounds horrendous and I can understand your dislike of her but.....

But you seem to be making a mountain out of a molehill with the three examples you give that have pissed you off since you told him you didn't like her.

In the first you found him in a cafe with a bunch of friends and she was there. While you may not want him to be friends with her, what is he supposed to do if he meets up with a group of friends and she is part of that group - walk away because she is there? Same with the second example of the restaurant - if she is part of that friendship group, then it would be weird not to invite her and would probably cause a lot of rumour and speculation as to why he wasn't inviting her. (He was being a dick getting drunk and staying out all night though).

If it had been just the two of them, you would have a point.

With regards his acting weird with regard the text messages, I'm not surprised. You have voiced your dissaproval over this woman and he is scared of your reaction to finding out she has text him. He can't really do anything about her texting him other than change his number, but again, if she is part of that group of friends, she would probably get hold of it anyway. You didn't say whether he had replied as what he replied would be more telling.

He's already started to voice that he is getting bored with her - unless you have any genuine reasons for thinking he is playing away, let it fizzle out. He will be distracted with the baby soon enough anyway. If you make a big deal out of it, he may stay friends with her out of defiance - I know I would if my DH tried to tell me who to be friends with.

I know it's not quite the same, when I first started seeing my DH, his best friend was a total nightmare - I couldn't stand the bloke and he tried to break us up several times. However, I just smiled sweetly, avoided him where I could and eventually DH realised what a complete dick he was and stopped seeing him.

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