To not want dp to be friends with this woman

[harshmallow]

Okay, I'd just like to point out that I don't think (hope!) that my partner has cheated, or been unfaithful before, but there is something about this female friend of his that rubs me up the wrong way. I need to know, is it just hormones (I'm 7 months pregnant, fat and sweaty) or should I put my (swollen) foot down?

About a year ago, my dp started hanging around with a bunch of people that I, quite frankly, think are a bit meh. We live in a smallish town and dp is quite a sociable person, so we inevitably ended up running into this crowd almost daily. We are in our late 20's and they are 2 or 3 years younger than us, but due to their conversation and interests, you'd think that they were in their first year of uni... I am certainly no fuddy duddy, but I'd up yawning at their talk of trance and drug taking and going home early.

Soon, I started to notice one girls name cropping up in conversations now and again, like X said this, or according to X. I decided that maybe I should make the effort to stick around at night. I like to make a point of befriending dp's female friends, and more often than not, we also become good friends. I found this one to be a bit unfriendly and very up herself (albeit pretty :/). Nevertheless, I pushed on and was always nice and chatty whenever I saw her, esp because I realized that this girl liked to bitch about other women. My reasoning was to never give her the chance to create a wedge between dp and me. Even so, whenever I was chatting to someone else when we were out, I'd see her summoning dp over to chat and gossip. I invited her over to dinner once, along with one or two other friends. I made a huge effort to cater to her vegan lifestyle, with 4 different dishes, and she was basically a massive rude cunt and started lecturing me on eating meat. I asked her where she got her lovely leather handbag from (hahahahaha).

Not that long afterward, I fell pregnant (it was semi-planned, though not meant to happen first try!) and she and my dp's best friend started seeing each other casually. Unfortunately, this guy's job then sent him abroad for 6 months. Not long after, I caught dp and this girl texting each other (her far more than him, but he wasn't complaining) and I know that after work they'd meet up (not alone, but still) to gossip and godknowswhatelse. Like I said, I haven't got a problem with him having female friends, but I was obviously not invited to "chat"... I confronted dp with this, and he swears that nothing has ever happened, and that she's just "like one of the guys". Pregnant and hormonal, I dropped the subject.

Then a good friend from another town was visiting his family, and him and X had an affair, while his girlfriend was ill at home. Lack morals from both parties, but still... Then I found out that she had been seeing another guy whose ex is a close friend of mine. They had been together for over 10 years, had a two month old baby, hit a rough patch and split temporarily (or so my friend thought). My friend was left with the baby and a full time job to pay for it, while her ex and this fey dreadlocked skinny bitch had an affair. Oh, and she is openly anti-children, so this guys paid no attention to his kid. Okay, I know this makes him just as much of a massive cunt, if not more, but either she's stupid or very selfish, no? How can you willingly want a man to spend time away from his child?

Anyways, by now I told dp that I didn't want him hanging round her anymore, as it was upsetting me and that my well being should be more important to him than his friendship with her. He said that that was understandable, and that he beginning to see that she is a bit of a pretentious prat anyways. Fare enough. A few days later though, I found him in a café with a bunch of friends, and her sitting next to him...he didn't act guilty though :( I do know that several days a week, afer work, he goes for a drink before coming home, and she's present.
A week ago, he hosted a huge dinner (he owns a restaurant) where she was also present, got massively drunk and didn't come home till 11 the next morning (although his mother saw him asleep in his car i the middle of town at 7.30). He was rather sheepish, and admitted that this crowd were not a good influence on him and that he's stop hanging around them...
Then last night he was acting itchy when he received several text messages. This morning, when he was in the shower, I read them (shame faced!) It was her inviting him out for a drink and that she needed to tell him something.
Okay, my question is: AIBU to put my foot firmly down and say enough is enough, no more friendship with this woman???? I feel that I have been patient enough!! How do I go about this? I do not want to be the big pregnant jealous partner, but this is making me quite unhappy.

DogsBestFriend - my view is coloured by my dealings with a female who sounds very much like the OP has mentioned. Yes, the OP's DH is being a silly billy, but there are predatory females in this world who hate other women / have sad pathetic lives and want what you've got, and try and sieze chances wherever thay can.

Believe it or not, I was once a teeny tiny sexy little thang too (not with dreads as such though, more like flowery plaits)... :o

I would not call YOU a cnut as I do not know YOU or of you. But having dealt with a predatory misogynistic woman - and am still dealing with it emotionally, I see nothing wrong with the nonsensical idea of the sisterhood. Indeed, I champion it.

OP's DH may well having a "last ditch at freedom", or a crisis. And when men go through those, it's like chumming the waters for women like that.

does he know you know about the texts?

um, DogsBestFriend, can I just point out that although yes, I'm obviously a little jealous of her waist and general attractiveness, I also dislike her because despite my attempts to be nice to her, she has been rude and disdainful to me. Also, despite being five months pregnant and still suffering from morning sickness, I went to great efforts to respect her lifestyle by making her several vegan meals to pick at and she still felt the need to lecture me on my chicken curry... Regarding her partners, when I was 18 I had a month long affair with a guy who had a partner and a kid. I was young and attractive, read a lot of Anais Nin and told myself I was a free spirit. Yes, the guy was an absolute tit and scum for what he did to his partner and child, who never found out, but I willingly harmed this family and took up time that he should have spent with them for my own selfish kicks and in that sense I was a selfish little bitch and was old enough to have known better.

But yes, I do agree with the posters who have said that I cannot dictate who partner sees and shouldn't perhaps single out individual who is prettier than me (my hormones and insecurity). Hopefully he gets bored with it all, and finds new meaning in life with our little kicking baby. Actually he seems very very excited by the birth of his son, and has spent all weekend doing up his room :)

The way I would put this to my partner is that you have gone out of your way to be welcoming and friendly because he liked her and that was good enough for you. However, she has rebuffed your attempts at friendship and has been rude and disdainful towards you. Tell him that you find this disrespectful and don't understand why he wants to be friends with someone who doesn't respect him enough to be polite to you, his partner.

Even when you dislike your friends choice in partner, you still have to be polite because otherwise you are being disrespectful to your friend. This woman is being that way to your partner as well as to you.

I'd also tell him that, part of a group or not, this woman is not welcome in my house or to any gathering that you, as a couple are hosting. This is because of her attitude. tell your partner that you find it hurtful that he would continue to socialise with someone who openly dislikes you. When you are in a relationship, your partner should come first, absolutely above friends.

I've been in a similar situation, albeit when I was younger. My boyfriend had had a brief fling with his adopted cousin and they were still close when he and I met. She never had a good word to say about me and believe me I tried. In the end, my boyfriends relationship with me was more important than his with her and he ceased contact. I did tell him that I was not prepared to spend any time with her, so if he wanted to be with me, it wouldn't be in her company too.

I think there are problems in a relationship when a couple have completely separate social lives. You two are having a baby and he should want to be with you more than he wants to be with anyone else. You two need to talk and I think he needs to grow up now, not when the baby arrives.

Tell him how it feels when he heads off without you, and remember that this baby is not just yours. He doesn't get to carry on as if it wasn't there. If he's mature enough to make a baby, then he's mature enough to be a proper dad and imo that starts before the baby is actually born by caring properly for the mother and not living like he's still in 6th form!

Excellent post Karma.

I would not be terribly happy about not being invited to events where there seems to be no reason for you not to be OP ( I can understand that somtimes my DH needs time out with his closest friends/guy friends but this does not seem to be the case here) and her rudeness was completely unacceptable at your dinner party. How did your DP react to that at the time?

With regard to the appropriateness of her relationship with your DP (aside from the issue of her being rude and unfriendly that is) as other OP's have said, there does not seem to be any particular reason to be suspicious about it, other than a nagging feeling of being concerned at her not respecting other people's relationships as you might hope, but I suspect that you may learn a lot from how your DP responds to her request to meet up as it seems this was not suggested as a group meet?

Well... but it sounds like you gave this group the brush off at first (you found them boring, to the point you would go home early, I presume without DP?) and only started making an effort once you got a little jealous of this girl. It's possible she saw right through you, in which case it's not really unexpected she didn't warm to you.

red flag: this woman is rude to you, in your home when you are her hostess, and in front of your dp

red flag: she is cultivating a relationship with your dp separately and you are not included

red flag: she is texting him with special invitations and 'needing' to see him and tell him things. Come on, that's a game. If you are above board, you just out and tell people things. You don't need special mystery and circumstances. Bullshit on that.

red flag: this woman sleeps with other people's men - known modus operandi

red flag: dp received special text messages and didn't tell you

red flag: dp is not insisting that she be nice to you

red flag: dp is not insisting that you relate with this woman, and with the whole circle as a couple, a unit a united front

red flag: hospitality industry culture - late nights, socializing, drinking, fooling around obligatory

OP, yes you have a problem. Even if nothing has happened or even if nothing will happen, there is still a problem because you are not a united front couple.

I've been in circles where there are couples and singles mixed and the thing to do is to always treat the couple as a unit, even if one of them is not present.

The singles need to demonstrate their good intentions toward the couple by respecting that couple's status with each other - inviting them both together, treating them each the same.

The couple also has to be a united front couple with each other, and insist on being treated that way. If you meet people, you expect the people you meet to relate to both of you in the same way. That means that if some woman disrespects your partner, she gets in trouble with you. If someone comes to you and disrespects your dp, that person gets in trouble with you. You neither of you allow it. That's a united front. Chancers look for chinks in the front.

I certainly wouldn't be telling my host she shouldn't eat meat cos I am a vegan that's plain rude in my book. A smile would of done at the effort someone made to make not one but four dishes.

Now for the feelings you have to confront him tell him all and then let it go. Tell him you know of the texting and say your not happy that he hid it from you. This is how arguments are started and relationships end with secrets and lies.

I said that last poorly, but you know what I mean right?

I think you are using this woman as a scapegoat for your husband's behaviour. HE is the one to blame for his all nighters, not her. It's him you should be talking to.

I can't comment, Harsh, as I can't see/hear the way the two of you women interact. Maybe her "disdain" is actually only disinterest or indifference. A vegan woman who doesn't like children isn't likely to have much in common with a pregnant, child-liking meat eater now, still less so when your baby's born, especially if she prefers male company in the main. Bluntly, although not meaning to be rude, she doesn't have to like you just because she's a friend of your DP. Likewise I can't comment about the food issue, I don't know who raised the conversation or in what context. This vegan won't tell you out of the blue that your chilcken curry is barbaric but ask me why on earth I don't eat animal produce or tell me that you couldn't possibly become vegan because you like meat too much/couldn't give a toss about animal welfare and you might find yourself wearing your curry getting something of a lecture from me too! :o I'm not insinuating that you've done this to her of course but not hearing the conversation I only have one side of it.

Equally not all women think that an affair makes them a "selfish little bitch", whether they're 20-something or 40-something, whether the affair is a fling or of 10 years standing, but that's a different matter. Her life = her choice.

Far, far more worrying to me is the fact that you are concerned that the company he's in will lead him down the old path of abuse. With a baby on the way that is what I would want to prevent, not some friendship with someone I dislike. TBH I think you're focusing on the wrong thing entirely. Drugs will do far more damage than a mistress ever can. I hope that you can address that and that you can look ahead to a future and a family without the spectre of addiction hanging over you.

agree with Tante

and my God he is in for a shock when the baby arrives. I fear it will be make or break. She will make sure she is looking radiant waiting in the wings after a bad night up with the newborn and she "bumps" into him by chance and pounces at a weak moment.

I really hope he loves you.

'The singles need to demonstrate their good intentions toward the couple by respecting that couple's status with each other - inviting them both together, treating them each the same.'

Why do singles need to demonstrate anything? Surely these are all just people, interacting with each other, what difference does it make who's single or not?

I'm not a unit, I'm a person, DH and I have our own friends in addition to mutual ones and I don't expect to be treated the same by everyone. Gah.

Yes, friends shouldn't disrespect other's spouses, but the only directly disrespectful thing I see here is some snarky comments about meat eating (which given the OP detests this girl, I'm taking with a grain of salt). It's not disrespectful to text the DP if he hasn't told the girl not to do so. It's not the girl's place to decide how often and how much the DP should drink.

The DP has to decide on his own to change his social life, not be made to feel like he no longer has any independent social life at all anymore.

I don't think it is reasonable for someone in a relationship to start dictating who their partner is allowed to be friends with, male or female.

Tante - what business is it of OP's partner to "tell" this woman to be nice to OP? She's an adult, not answerable to OP's partner, it's not his place to tell her how to behave!

Also, sleeping with a particular married man/married men does not equal woman who is after any old married man and who is a threat to every marriage. That way madness (and insecurity) lies.

Note to self: Must tell my best friend of 30 years that I can't socialise with him alone and must treat him and his lovely lady as a couple. Said best friend and lovely lady will piss themselves laughing.

Agree with Dogs and DreamingBohemian.

I find myself agreeing with a lot of the sentiment of Tante post too. I think it is not unreasonable for a friend to show respect to both people in a couple, especially if the friend could be seen as a rival. It is possible for men and women to be friends and it is more comfortable and respectful if the platonic nature of that is clearly demonstrated - and that might mean no 'secret' meetings or furtive texts. If the 'friend' is not willing to do that, I too would be suspicious of motives.

But how is a text furtive, on the part of the girl? She sends a text. It's up to the DP to be furtive about it or not.

It doesn't sound like secret meetings, they are meeting up for drinks in public. Again, up to the DP to tell his wife about it.

By the same token if the friend's partner is unnaturally jealous/the friend tells his singleton pal that his DP is so, whether she thinks she is or not, that could lead to an understandable desire to be a little secretive, Tante. Here, it's clear that the OP didn't like her DP's set of friends from the start, including this particular woman and that she made it clear to those friends that this was the case. It's perhaps understandable that her DP and his friend would text/contact each other in a "best not to tell Harsh, she'll only give me a hard time" kind of way. It doesn't mean that she's seeing on the side or has designs on the OP's partner.

I'm only viewing it like this - if my best friend's DP suddenly decided she didn't want him seeing/socialising with me, I would ignore her completely and tbh I think that he would too. That doesn't mean that he disrespects her, it means that he respects and values his friendship and would want a far more valid reason than "I don't like her/she was rude about my curry/she doesn't like children" before he did anything about it. Meantime, if the choice was ignore his DP and get constant earache or humour her and meet me, his closest friend, in "secret", the answers not in any doubt.

It really doesn't have to be suspicious behaviour and it sure as hell isn't disrespectful to dislike one half of a couple or not treat them as "a unit".

If my DP was uneasy about any of my male friends I would respect his feelings though, especially if he thought there was something a bit off about it, like an unbalance of affection - I would stop or restrict a friendship on that basis.

Dogs,even if I was completely unreasonable/irrational about a friendship of my husbands (and I don't think the OP is being U) I would still expect him not to keep secrets from me. I'd expect him to tell me that I was being U and that he was still going to see X friend, as i would do if my Dh hated one of my friends for no good reason.

To meet in secret to avoid getting a 'hard time' would be wrong. It would make the relationship unequal, and would be disrespectful to the person being kept in the dark. I'd hate the thought of my DH colluding with someone else to keep the truth from me. I think you need honesty in relationships, even if you hear something you don't like.

If my husbands friend was rude about me, then my husband wouldn't want to remain that persons friend. Same as if my friend was not nice about my DH, because loyalty to the partner should outweigh anything else. I simply wouldn't want to be friends with someone who was openly nasty about the person I'd chosen to be with. Not saying they have to be close friends themselves, just polite and civil.

Beamur - ditto.

My best friend of over 25 years standing is a bloke. (He's like a sister to me) He has a fiancee and children with her, I am friends with his DP, and out of respect for her, him, and myself (and the arseface I married), would never enter into a scenario that would make any of us feel uncomfortable or unhappy. I certainly wouldn't enter into secret texting or meeting.

DogsBestFriend, from what the OP has told us, all the other things aside, this VeganWoman has 'form'. She sounds eggzackerly like my dear exBF who, since she stabbed me in the back with a chainsaw, I have found out that we weren't the first couple she's toyed with and that she's currently grooming a new couple. It's not paranoia - she has form. It's like her hobby.

Now, OPs hormones may well be making her see things that aren't there. I was commenting that SWBU to be pissed off at the woman from what she's said and from personal experience.

Your BF is of thirty years standing, this is a different kettle of fish. YOU know how it is and his DP knows how it is.

(Although personally, to me, I think affairs are horrible. I think 'her life=her choice' is just not nice. I used to think I was a free spirit, I flit, I flew; It was a crap life. Sitting in your home and hearing ever more horrific revelations over a course of 14 hours is not something I'd wish on anyone. I wouldn't do that to another woman although I could do with paying back my DH , couldn't do that to another woman.)

I treat others how I myself would like to be treated.

i agree with karma.