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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I have a lazy-arsed DH

27 replies

CitrusZest · 13/06/2011 10:54

My dh does NOTHING round the house apart from very occasionally taking out the bin and sometimes emptying some of the dishwasher. No laudry, tidying, cooking, shopping or cleaning. He leaves his shoes, clothes, receipts, paperwork and dirty dishes all over the floor. I work on a Monday morning and he's off work. He doesn't even get out of bed to help dress or feed the DDs, he won't have made the bed and DD1 will have been late for school. I am so fed up. Whenever I try to mention it, he says he's just like all men. Is he? Is it unreasoanble of me to feel so let down and unsupported? I am one step away from leaving him.

OP posts:

cannydoit · 13/06/2011 10:56

no not all men are like this, my dp made dinner last night did the dishes and hoovered all while i was on mn..............ummmmmmmm maybe i am a lazy assed dp.

Lady1nTheRadiator · 13/06/2011 11:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

iwanttoseethezoo · 13/06/2011 11:03

I would pick up his stuff, put it in a bin bag on his side of the bed. Repeat until he realises that unless HE picks it up and sorts it out, he won't be able to find the things he needs. The dishes are more difficult.

On the Monday, I would suggest to him that he gets up when you do and gets DD ready for school (and tell him that the school have commented on her lateness, a white lie won't hurt).

He's not like all men - my DH is not brilliant around the house but if I was working one morning and he wasn't, I am sure he would do his bit to get the kids out of the house to school.

Tell him what you've said here - that you feel like you're doing this all on your own and you MUST get more help from him or you will leave.

itisnearlysummer · 13/06/2011 11:04

No he's not like all men.

You can tell him from me that the only things I, and only I do are:

cleaning the bathroom, cleaning the windows, dusting and polishing

My DH, and only my DH, does the gardening, the bins, puts the clean washing away.

We both cook, wash up, hoover, iron, make DCs packed lunches, get DCs to school on time, do the laundry in fact everything else. Sometimes I do loads and he doesn't do much, sometimes I have a lazy day and he does it all.

On balance we both do equal amounts of everything.

Your DH is BU and and arse!

PrinceHumperdink · 13/06/2011 11:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

revolutionscoop · 13/06/2011 11:09

Gosh, I complain about my poor dh, but having read your op he's beginning to seem frankly angelic. He doesn't do much in the way of housework, but is very hands on with the children, helping to get them ready for school, bedtimes etc. What does your dh say when you ask him to help?

Adversecamber · 13/06/2011 11:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Sn0wflake · 13/06/2011 11:12

My DH does more than me....I'm not proud of that. But I tell you something he would be royally pissed off if a person used being a man as an excuse for being a lazy fuck wit. Being a man should be a banner for good things shouldn't it?

Original poster

CitrusZest · 13/06/2011 11:32

He's not the sort of person who admits his short comings. He thinks he does loads and accuses me of "needling him" and says we need counselling. I feel so let down, I'm on the verge of hating him. I'd have left by now if it weren't for out two DDs.

OP posts:

TotallyLovely · 13/06/2011 11:41

I agree with putting all his stuff in bin bags. He's treating you like a slave.

STRIKE!

AnnieLobeseder · 13/06/2011 11:44

No, he's not like all men, he's a lazy arsed dick who is treating you as his personal slave and will continue to do so as long as you let him.

Stop doing anything for him. WTF are you putting up with his shit?

Ephiny · 13/06/2011 11:45

No he's not like all men. He sounds more like a teenage boy than a man to be honest. He needs to step up and start behaving like an adult and taking joint responsibility for looking after the children and the home, otherwise he can't be surprised when you figure out that your life would actually be easier without him in it...

Sleepyspaniel · 13/06/2011 11:47

I think there's more to this than housework. To feel you would have left him by now over housework if it wasn't for your DDs is disproportionate to the issue. Why don't you work out what's really the problem - is it power? Is it money? Money usually is around in this situation somewhere. Does he earn more than you and feel this buys him the right to be lazier? Does he earn less than you and is treating you as a "parent" whilst he is the lazy teenager? Is he cross with you for something else (lack of sex say) and is passively-agressively taking it out on you by doing (or not doing) something that he knows bothers you, then denying it?

If he has suggested counselling I would grab that suggestion with both hands and set it up.

PrinceHumperdink · 13/06/2011 11:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheTruthNothingButTheTruth · 13/06/2011 12:01

You need to dump him ASAP. Not tomorrow, not next week but ASAP. He is a pig and he is just using you.

karmakameleon · 13/06/2011 12:04

I second the counselling. I doubt very much that he will be able to sit there with a third party and admit to how little he does around the house and with the kids and not be thoroughly ashamed of himself. May make him face up to the fact that he needs to do more.

Awomancalledhorse · 13/06/2011 12:06

Has he always been like this or is it recently he's stopped doing stuff?

ElizabethDarcy · 13/06/2011 12:59

My DH cooked me a roast for lunch yesterday, did the dishes and hoovering... he just does what needs doing.. as do we both.

CurlyBoy · 13/06/2011 14:02

Nope, he's an idiot. I do the grocery shopping as my wife hates it. She does the cooking but I keep the kitchen clean. I vac when she tells me and I do most of the laundry. We've been sharing taking care of our new toddler 50/50 but that's mainly because I lost my job and aren't working. I suspect she'll have to take a grater role if and when I get another job.

fgaaagh · 13/06/2011 14:12

Not all men are like your "dear" H.

For several years, DH and I truly shared the house/work commitments (we both worked 3 days a week during a time where childcare was a bit dodgey). Now that we're both working 5 days a week, we share it properly.

And I'm not talking about the hoovering, dusting, cooking.

I'm talking about that plus all the other little things that need doing. Remembering to tax the car. Making DD's braces appointments - and taking her. Wiping down the kitchen sides from breakfast. Writing a note about a homework problem DS had (and explaining that we've helped him a bit).

That is not anything exceptional. I do it; DH should too. They're his kids just as much as they are mine.

It sounds like your DH is just another child, with a pretty shit attitude and no respect for you.

Don't believe his attempt to explain his being a shit husband and a shit dad with "that's how men are". No, that's how some men are.

I'm worth more than that - you are too.

In this house, I've raised my daughter, and son, to know they are worth just as much as their future family members. I don't want my DD to enter into a relationship where she is treated terribly; I don't want my DS to think it's acceptable for him to treat women with any less respect than they deserve.

You are showing your children a terrible example by sticking with this lout.

Hammy02 · 13/06/2011 14:14

Not all men are like that. Has he always been like this or has he changed over time?

fgaaagh · 13/06/2011 14:14

I've just seen the post where you update with "I'd have left by now if it weren't for out two DDs."

Do you honestly think that showing them this situation, where your "DH" treats you this way, as normal - that you're doing them a favour in the long run?

Please show them it's not normal or acceptable to endure this setup these days. You have a choice. Please choose what's best in the LONG RUN for your DDs.

MoreBeta · 13/06/2011 14:20

No not all men - but many it seems.

The more I read this complaint from women the more I think it is a kind of low level abusive behaviour by men. I would ask him this question.

Do you still want to be married to me?

No threats, no nagging, no conditionality, just a straight question.

If he says NO, then you know where you are.

If he says YES, then you go to counselling and work out a new way of living together. There may be things he is unhappy about as well.

A Monday morning, is an ideal time to do a weekly house clean and get some washing on. If he did that, I'm sure you would feel much happier. Its such a simple well defined task.

MooMooFarm · 13/06/2011 14:26

YANBU. All men are not like this. DH does as much as I do, sometimes more depending on what else we've got going on at the time. The same goes for most couples I know in my age group (with older couples it seems a bit more one-sided from what I've seen....).

Don't put up with it. Tell him how unhappy he is making you and that he is slowing killing any feelings you have for him by acting the way he does. Then stop running around doing anything for him. Don't enable him to carry on like it.

ShoutyHamster · 13/06/2011 14:34

Not all men... just the crap, worthless, usually-get-binned-eventually-as-woman-moves-on-to-a-real-partner ones.

Hope you move on too :)

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