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AIBU?

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Original poster

disagreement with DP about marriage....

40 replies

Scheherezadea · 12/06/2011 20:46

Be kind! Am 22 weeks and very emotional Grin

DP and I have been together 4 years, lived together for 3.5 years. He got a job in a part of the country neither of us had ever been to, but I moved down here for him and left all friends & family behind, and put off my hopes of doing a masters so I could train to be a social worker, which was my 'dream' job.

Am now 22 weeks pregnant, I don't work and have given up and sold/loaned my horses (which I paid for previously) as we are dependent on his one income.

We have discussed marriage, and he always seems keen and happy about the idea of getting engaged (eventually.....) but he says it's too 'obvious' to do it now I'm pregnant, and people will think he's only proposing because I'm growing his baby. HOWEVER in front of other people he's really dismissive about it, makes fun of me for thinking we'll be together a long time & if I mention marriage. He says he's just joking but he does it ALL the time, and makes me look like a complete desperate idiot. As if I am a desperate obsessed random woman, rather than his long term rpegnant girlfriend!

Should add - he's not a laddy lad at all, doesn't drink or go out, not mouthy or anything.

It makes me feel and look like an absolute idiot, and I'm even too embarrassed to bring it up with him, in case it makes me look like I'm desperate for him to propose!

OP posts:
ENormaSnob · 12/06/2011 20:53

Sorry but you do come across as desperate. Very much so.

I also don't think its healthy that you left your friends, family, hobby, job and dreams to be with this man.

passivelyaggresive · 12/06/2011 20:58

Congratulations on your pregnancy.

I have been with my DP for 20 years, i already had a DD when we met, and it took me five years, FIVE years to get him to move in with me, a year later we bought a house. We now have a 5 year old DD. Sometimes i feel sad that he wouldnt marry me, adamant that we wont be getting married EVER. I have got to the stage where it is not important to me, he is as commited to me as anyone who is married to their partner, and i am to him. Its not an issue.

Are you sure he makes fun of you for thinking you will be together for a long time - doesnt he realise that having a child together is a far bigger and more profound commitment than getting married? It does sound like you have made all the sacrafices, do you own your own home? Is there a way you can pick up on your masters on a part time basis, as, if this affordable, you could fit this around your baby?

To be honest, if DP were to ask me to marry him now i would be thrilled, but i would probably say no - we work as we are and he is no religious so i dont need what would only be a bit of paper to him to seal our commitment to each other. If that makes sense

cat64 · 12/06/2011 20:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

nijinsky · 12/06/2011 20:59

You have given up a lot for him (am shocked at giving up the horses, that is truly terrible). In return the least he can do is give up his cake and eat it attitude against marriage. I think you have to take a harder line with him and not tolerate his nappiness at all!

Laughing about whether you'll be together a long time is just plain nasty. tbh I'd be so tempted to call his bluff! I bet he'd turn into a quivering wreck if you did so too.

MissVerinder · 12/06/2011 21:00

Reverse psychology. Tell him you've been thinking about it and you're not really bothered any more. Do this in front of friends too, so he knows you mean it.

YANBU to want to get married, but YABU to bug him about it Smile

hiddenhome · 12/06/2011 21:00

I'd dump him.

Return to your area, retrieve your horses and do your masters degree as soon as you can.

He doesn't sound like he intends to marry you tbh Sad

MissVerinder · 12/06/2011 21:01

(he will only kick back harder)

PonceyMcPonce · 12/06/2011 21:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

gordyslovesheep · 12/06/2011 21:02

learn to say 1. NO and 2. That hurts my feelings - to him - otherwise I wouldn;t bother marrying him

ENormaSnob · 12/06/2011 21:04

Its seems you have given up everything for this man.

That screams desperate to me.

Moving away is not such a huge deal, giving up your horses and degree to do so is imho.

Especially after only 6 months.

hiddenhome · 12/06/2011 21:04

He sounds like the sort of person who'd drop you in it.

buzzsore · 12/06/2011 21:04

I think the way he treats you in front of others needs confronting, seriously.

You've given up a huge amount to be with him and he's acting like an entitled fool. This will get worse if you don't stand up to him, you are now so very dependent on him.

Forget the wedding stuff, demand respectful treatment in public and at home. Get some plans in place to regain some of your independence once this baby is born.

emsyj · 12/06/2011 21:07

Agree you should not have given up your life for this man.

If marriage is important to you, ask him straight if he intends to marry you and if he says yes, ask him when.

I wouldn't take any notice of the people who say, 'oooh I'm not married, it's just a piece of paper, you're too needy etc'. If it matters to you to be married, then it matters. End of.

If he doesn't intend to marry you then you need to accept this and not waste time trying to change his mind. You will have to decide whether to stay with him or not.

In my experience, many men who say that they are not interested in marriage and who stay with a woman for years without being married will, on separating from that woman, meet and marry someone else within a year. I have seen it happen quite often.

tissuesplease · 12/06/2011 21:08

does he know how you feel?

hiddenhome · 12/06/2011 21:10

If he hasn't married you after 4 years then I doubt he will now. Also, he's making jokes about whether you'll be together for a long time Hmm What a fkr.

DoMeDon · 12/06/2011 21:11

Sounds like an idiot - to disrespect you in front of friends is hideous. Especially when pg, especially when you have given up too so much.

Original poster
Scheherezadea · 12/06/2011 21:12

Thanks for responses - is good to have a place to think about it.

tbf he's the one who takes me into jewellery shops to look at rings, and asks me which ones I like on the internet etc.

He's not a bad person. I only gave up the horses because now we're down to 1 income we cant afford the cost & I cant keep on riding when pregnant, am still riding friends horses.

OP posts:
nijinsky · 12/06/2011 21:16

Can I just say that I don't think wanting to get married is desperate? Its common sense. You are giving up your former life for this man! Marriage provides some long term security, both financial and emotional. It means that when you are unemployed and carrying his baby, he cannot just walk out and leave you with no consequences.

Original poster
Scheherezadea · 12/06/2011 21:16

(also gave up the idea of doing to a masters with intention to work/temp for a couple of years then come back to it. He had a crappy job whilst I was finishing uni so it seemed fair)

OP posts:
hiddenhome · 12/06/2011 21:16

I think the least you should do is tell him to stop disrespecting you in front of people. It's humiliating and unnecessary. You're carrying his baby and he should have more respect for you.

You should also ask him what he means when he says he's not sure how long you'll be together. Take the stance that you're not prepared to be messed around like this, it's your life too and tbh, you have better things to do than hang out with a little boy Hmm

Think seriously about resuming your career once the baby is old enough. Never be dependant upon some bloke.

You sound like you need to be far more assertive and start taking the piss out of him perhaps. See how he likes it.

nellie02 · 12/06/2011 21:19

Sounds like a tricky situation. I can understand why you've given everything up for him, as you clearly love him greatly. And if you're pregnant, now is not the time to suddenly be reversing everything, solely because he doesn't want to be married.

But it does sound as though there are some issues you need to discuss with him, and the sooner the better. Explain to him what you've set out above, but also see it from his point of view. Find out why he is so dismissive in front of other people. If there is something fundamentally wrong in the relationship, better to know sooner rather than later.

But you, and you alone, made the decisions to leave your friends, family, horses and your studies behind. Try not to make him feel guilty for that, as it was your choice.

If marriage means a lot to you, then explain that too him, and that it won't change. But that doesn't mean that he can be so rude and dismissive in front of other people. And I suggest you think of how you will handle the situation next time it crops up, either by walking away, by changing or closing down the conversation.

Don't worry about sounding an idiot, but perhaps have one open and honest conversation rather than continually bringing it up?

ENormaSnob · 12/06/2011 21:21

To clarify, I didn't mean you sound desperate re the marriage issue.

Its the fact you have given up way way too much imho.

ooohyouareawfulbutilikeyou · 12/06/2011 21:23

the first time someone said they wouldnt marry me, they wouldnt get as far having a child with me, i would be out the door

if i am not good enough to marry, i would find someone else

Kiwiinkits · 12/06/2011 22:13

You don't sound desperate to want to be married. At all. You are entitled to feel the way you do. And you are entitled to feel hurt that in public he belittles you and your relationship like that.

He sounds like he loves you but is coming to terms with the fact that things have happened in a different order than he would have made them happen. He probably feels like control has been taken out of his hands a bit. This is quite disempowering for a man. He may not realise it, but he is putting the opinions of his friends (or others) above your feelings. He is trying to signal to others that he hasn't been 'trapped', because he thinks that makes him seem like less of a man in control of his own destiny. Basically, he is letting his ego control him instead of his head.
You need to reassure him that you are not 'trapping' him; that he is in control. But at the same time you need to communicate your legitimate feelings about marriage.
I would just come out with it. Say something like, "DP, I would like to be married soon after having this baby. I would like us to get engaged in the next couple of months. I know you are concerned that people will think that you've been trapped into marriage but you are in control of your own destiny. If you want to marry me then you should marry me, despite what others think. I want to spend my life with you and I want our baby to have a stable family. I need you to think about this. I'm not going to say anything more about this, but I wanted to say what I think so that you know where I am at."

And leave it to him.

squeakytoy · 12/06/2011 22:19

Having a child is a commitment to that child, NOT a commitment to the other parent of that child.

I would not want to stay with a man who didnt rate me high enough in his life to want to marry me. Old fashioned maybe, but in this day and age of people living together and then going on to the next relationship and living with the next one, I would want something that made me more important in his life than his former partners. To me marriage IS an important and progessive step in a relationship, and nothing to do with children.

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