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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

disagreement with DP about marriage....

40 replies

Scheherezadea · 12/06/2011 20:46

Be kind! Am 22 weeks and very emotional

DP and I have been together 4 years, lived together for 3.5 years. He got a job in a part of the country neither of us had ever been to, but I moved down here for him and left all friends & family behind, and put off my hopes of doing a masters so I could train to be a social worker, which was my 'dream' job.

Am now 22 weeks pregnant, I don't work and have given up and sold/loaned my horses (which I paid for previously) as we are dependent on his one income.

We have discussed marriage, and he always seems keen and happy about the idea of getting engaged (eventually.....) but he says it's too 'obvious' to do it now I'm pregnant, and people will think he's only proposing because I'm growing his baby. HOWEVER in front of other people he's really dismissive about it, makes fun of me for thinking we'll be together a long time & if I mention marriage. He says he's just joking but he does it ALL the time, and makes me look like a complete desperate idiot. As if I am a desperate obsessed random woman, rather than his long term rpegnant girlfriend!

Should add - he's not a laddy lad at all, doesn't drink or go out, not mouthy or anything.

It makes me feel and look like an absolute idiot, and I'm even too embarrassed to bring it up with him, in case it makes me look like I'm desperate for him to propose!

OP posts:

Original poster

Scheherezadea · 12/06/2011 22:20

Thank you to all - especially nellie02 and kwinkiits.

He HAS told me he wants to marry me, and he is 'only' joking in front of friends when he says things like 'oh you'll need to find someone to marry you first' - then says a joke about how noone will want me because I've had his kid...

Anyway, I'm going to try and say something tonight. I've been weeping over this all day, and I need to talk to him about it.

OP posts:

buzzsore · 12/06/2011 22:29

Yes, tell him how hurtful you find it that he makes this kind of 'joke' at your expense. Hopefully he'll realise how unpleasant it is for you and will stop doing it.

Original poster

Scheherezadea · 12/06/2011 22:49

I couldn't say it to him, as am choking up, but have written an email (I know....) and have told him to read it now.

OP posts:

HellBunny · 12/06/2011 23:05

Tell him that his coments are making you insecure about the relationship at a time when you very much need stability and that if he doesn't stop it you're leaving him to go with people who actually give a damn (IE back to your old life?)

HellBunny · 12/06/2011 23:06

Just read about the email. Hope it goes well!

darleneoconnor · 12/06/2011 23:19

do you have wills? are you on the deeds of the house? does he have pr of your child? does the child have his surname?

skybluepearl · 12/06/2011 23:26

i think you have to insist on child having your name only on birth certificate.

shelscrape · 12/06/2011 23:33

Hope he realises he has been upsetting you with his comments. He says he wants to marry you? Well, men bless them can be a bit dense sometimes. if marriage is important to you, why don't you just ask him? Don't talk about getting engaged. Tell him you want to marry him and that you want to set a date to get married. Might make him realise how serious you are about it all. Bit he needs to know how you feel about these "jokes"

Original poster

Scheherezadea · 13/06/2011 10:51

Thanks for all the messages!

It went well :) he read the email and said "Oh schehere, I'm so sorry". He says he didn't realise how much it was upsetting me, and only makes the jokes because the idea of us not getting married and being together is so ridiculous - but didn't know that it was upsetting me that much, and just thought we were having a bit of banter...(!)

He was really, really sweet and sincere - I thought he might be a bit huffy, but he was really apologetic, and even got a bit weepy. He's promised never to joke about it again. He said that of course he wanted to marry me, and wants to be with me forever, and lots of "you're so special" etc.

I put in the email I wanted to at least be engaged by the time baby comes - and explained (with the help of your messages!) that it wasn't about being jealous of friends or desperate - but it was down to needing the security as I'm unemployed with his child and dependent on his income. We don't own a house, but are planning to buy in the next 12-18 months once his contract down here is up, baby is taking his last name. I think I did say that if we're not engaged or if he does it again then I'm either leaving him off the BC, or writing father name as "some knobhead" so he has to change his own name to "Some Knobhead" if he wants it to match.....

But yes, he said he definitely does want to be married, but he didn't specify a date or anything. It's a bit sad as it's lost the suprise and 'wow' element, but the most important thing for me was to stop him making fun of me and our relationship in front of friends, and he's promised never to ever do that again - he says he's not worried when we talk to friends who are getting married about weddings etc, he was just having a joke.

So yes, men are stupid, and need a smack round the head - literally or verbally, to get the point across.

OP posts:

TheOriginalFAB · 13/06/2011 11:12

It isn't just a bit of paper. It gives you a legal status and him the right to have parenting rights to his own child.

buzzsore · 13/06/2011 11:16

I'm glad it went well . Don't let him away with it if he slips into that kind of 'joking' around again.

TotallyLovely · 13/06/2011 11:36

What a nasty fucker to make fun of you in front of others! That has to stop immediately or else! (and I'd say that to him as well).

Also I would start talking about buying your horses back and your plans to move back home and go and do your masters, how great it will be living there again etc (in a casual just mentioning it way). When he asks what you are talking about you can quite seriously say that you are aware the relationship isn't going to last so you are making plans for your future.

Manipulative but what the hell!

TotallyLovely · 13/06/2011 11:39

Oops didn't see your last post. Glad you sorted it out.

One thing though, loads of people said that because he hasn't married you in 4 years then he won't ever . . . that's bollocks!

nellie02 · 13/06/2011 20:32

Well done on having such an honest conversation, and getting through to him. I really hope it all goes well for you in the future. X

Mumcentreplus · 13/06/2011 20:44

Glad you sorted it OP... I got married and I was 6 months pregnant and we had been together for 3 years ,then we split up,then we got back together and then we got married!! it will be 10yrs this Sept...

we were always going to get hitched at some point but the baby came first ..such is life...the best thing you can do is be honest with him about how/what you feel and you will work things out...

take care x

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