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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I being stupid to think dp is being faithful

70 replies

lessismore · 12/06/2011 16:38

me and dp have 2 children and we have been together 6 years lately he's been spending more and more time on the pc he said he's on gaming sites when I looked today as he didn't come to bed til 4 he's joined an adult dating site and is talking alot on msn he's become protective of his phone too I can't see him being unfaithful as he's always at home can someone be unfaithful using msn. Im so scared right now is he planning on leaving me I really though we was happy now this. Please what shall I do

OP posts:
passivelyaggresive · 13/06/2011 13:40

Can i also say Mordred, i cant speak for your wife at all, but my friend is no threat to my relationship with DP, we have "known" each other for seven years and have never met. We probalby never will, I say probably because he lives a significant distance away (another country) and that sort of makes me comfortable with it because i wouedlnt actually WANT to meet him, if that makes any sense. It is so very very different to anything i have expereinced with DP and by no means is it the same - i adore my DP and i dont feel like i am being unfaithful to him. Others may disagree with that and i dont have any right to argue, but thats how i feel. Anyway, do feel free to PM me about it as I feel i have hijacked the thread somewhat.

passivelyaggresive · 13/06/2011 13:41

Anyfucker - we are more than friends, i would be lying if i said our conversations weren't intimate.

AnyFucker · 13/06/2011 13:46

then, LEM, I am afraid I think you are playing with fire and would tell you that in RL

but hey, you are a grown woman, and your P is a grown man

I wouldn't tolerate it, but some people would (obviously) < shrugs >

Mordred · 13/06/2011 14:03

AnyFucker: yes ma'am! Consider it done. I'm far far from not giving a shit about her. I love her very much.

passive: perhaps your dp really is OK about it, especially if he asks you to ask your 'friend' about stuff. I just know that I'm not. How do you think he'd react if you just said to him: "OK, I've decided that's it with X, it was nice to have him around, but I want to just be with you." ?

AnyFucker · 13/06/2011 14:33

LEM...do you continue to lie and hide your conversations with him from your P ? I know he knows you chat to him, but what does he think you chat about ?

what would he do now if he found another one ?

did you promise to tone down the intimacy between you and another man when your P discovered the last lot ?

pumpernickel10 · 13/06/2011 14:37

Some people are happy with an "open" relationship and it works for them. I am not,thats just me. I have male friends but thats all they are is friends and I would be horrified if any of them stepped over that line,one of DH best friends is female,shes lovely,she comes to him for man advise

passivelyaggresive · 13/06/2011 15:43

Anyfucker, the intimacy, as it were, isnt there anymore, we are just friends, you have to remember that this man is in his sixties. Its now just about support and friendship. I wouldnt want my DP to read our conversations anymore than i would want him to read my posts on mumsnet because i talk to my friend about problems i have with DP. Although most times he takes DPs side! Which is good actually because it allows me to see when im being a brat or blowing things out of proportion. Saying that Mordreds posts have made me think about things and right now i feel awful and i think i need to reconsider things if i am honest. Its difficult to explain the friendship, my friend has been there for me, at times when DP hasn't and i think, has helped my relationship with DP because ive had someone who cares about me to rationalise it with. I would give him up for DP, but i would be :( about having to do that.

Pandemoniaa · 13/06/2011 16:10

I'm not planning to offer myself up for sainthood but I can honestly say that I don't have any conversations on the internet that I'd not be prepared for DP to see and vice versa. Not that we have the sort of controlling relationship where we expect to read each other's texts/messages etc.

If I found my partner joined a dating site then alarm bells would ring, I'm afraid.

AnyFucker · 13/06/2011 16:25

You are contradicting yourself, LEM, but then you know how black and white I am Smile

I think you are being unfair to your P...you should be talking to him about the problems with your relationship. You actually sound like someone who justifies physical affairs by saying they "help" a marriage. No they don't, they take something away.

You know your P would be upset if he saw your conversations. Ergo, they cross a line of intimacy that shouldn't be crossed.

if this were a same-sex friend or a platonic male friend you poured your heart out to, that would be fine, but you have admitted yourself that this is an emotional affair with this man. And that your P has been upset about the nature of it in the past.

If he visited this country and wanted to meet, what would you do ? How would P feel about that ?

passivelyaggresive · 13/06/2011 16:52

Im not wanting to answer you Anyfucker, cos i don't like the answers (because i know you are right). No point in telling you that i will stop things, but maybe it is time to think along those lines, but heres a thing - i would actually feel guilty for "dumping" X. How fucked up is that, to be fair he has always said if ever i called a stop to it then he would respect my wishes - well, not alot he could do really is there, but he would understand. Doesn't matter how i paint this, if i were reading my posts on here about this, i would rip me to shreds about it. Oh, im not liking this - no no no, not one little bit because taking a step back, there isnt really an excuse is there - and you know, i do think an element of trust HAS gone from mine and DPs relationship if im honest. Definately not liking this honest with myself lark

AnyFucker · 13/06/2011 18:13

you know my style well enough by now, LEM, that my questions are just that

I have no expectation you will even answer them, even less you would act on them, but they are designed to make you think

ask yourself these 2 things

  1. do you love your P, and want to make him feel happy and secure ?

  2. what do you think he would really like you to do re. your "friendship" with this man ? (and I don't mean what he would say when you put him on the spot, a loaded question like that is unfair)

fedupofnamechanging · 13/06/2011 19:19

The other thing of course passively is that in doing what you do, you wouldn't have a leg to stand on if your DP met someone either on line or in rl and started leaning on them emotionally rather than turning to you. If you'd be gutted for that to happen, then perhaps it is best to knock this other relationship on the head now and concentrate on DP, while the choice is still yours.

AnyFucker · 13/06/2011 19:29

very true, karma

and a fitting contribution, from a fitting user name, I feel Smile

pumpernickel10 · 13/06/2011 19:40

Well said karma
I do I feel what goes around comes around

fedupofnamechanging · 13/06/2011 19:44

AF, I'm on here so often now, I'm starting to feel this is my proper name and the rl one is just pretend Grin

pumpernickel10 · 13/06/2011 19:47

And passive when does fantasy start to become reality?
I'd drop your friend it's not healthy for you or your DP

Mordred · 13/06/2011 19:53

passive, let me just say that I would give anything in the world for my wife to come to me, odf her own volition, and say 'I'm not going to do that anymore'. Anything.

As it is, once the kids are in bed, we're going to talk.

AnyFucker · 13/06/2011 19:57

good luck, mordred

LEM, listen to mordred, he knows where it's at

AnyFucker · 13/06/2011 19:58

KB, me too Smile

TransatlanticCityGirl · 14/06/2011 10:42

Well look, what can I say Xenia.... most people who are living in fantasy la-la land would tend to agree with you. It's a lot easier to assign a label to people and be done with it. People who subscribe to your way of thinking are the people who are most devastated when it happens to THEM. Many people who know a thing or two about psychology, relationships, complexity of human interaction... well their world isn't so black and white, and while infidelity is never easy to deal with, I think they are most likely to reach better outcomes for themselves and their families (regardless of what that decision is).
Sorry for hijacking slightly. Just don't want anyone including OP to think the world has to be the way Xenia describes as it's such a naive point of view. I promise to shut up now!

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