Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I being stupid to think dp is being faithful

70 replies

lessismore · 12/06/2011 16:38

me and dp have 2 children and we have been together 6 years lately he's been spending more and more time on the pc he said he's on gaming sites when I looked today as he didn't come to bed til 4 he's joined an adult dating site and is talking alot on msn he's become protective of his phone too I can't see him being unfaithful as he's always at home can someone be unfaithful using msn. Im so scared right now is he planning on leaving me I really though we was happy now this. Please what shall I do

OP posts:
crispyseaweed · 12/06/2011 17:23

Sounds like he is up to something.......
He was obviously searching hard for a something,, if he was on the internet till 4am..

fedupofnamechanging · 12/06/2011 17:30

I think the worst thing about cheating is the way one person actively deceives their partner. The person being cheated on is going about their business thinking everything is fine, while all the time the other person is lying and making a mockery of the relationship.

Passive, if I was your partner I would be really unhappy and wouldn't be able to stay in the relationship, but the fact that you are upfront about what you do, means that your partner has a choice in his own life. When someone is secretive, it takes choice away from the partner.

OP, your man is up to no good and you deserve better than this kind of sleazy behaviour.

BelleDameSansMerci · 12/06/2011 17:52

lessismore - I really hope you're ok and that this turns out to be something less than it appears.

Xenia · 12/06/2011 18:03

Well we do have Mr Weiner in the US who has been sending picutres of his.. ahem.. weiner (clad I think in grey underpants.. or that would be gray in the US of A)... to 6 woimen he has never met. He has been married a year and his wife is expecting their child. Is that cheating? Well he's not admitted he lied about it.

When the women don't earn much they stand by their man (footballers' wives etc). When the women are educated and financially secure in their won right (Maria Shriver) they kick them out. if it gets too public

Obviously he's just messing around and most couples work on their marriage and it's fine. I wouldn't panic. Try to talk around the issue of whether there are any problems for both of you. Most people with small children are far too exhausted to stay up to 4am. Perhaps he needs more nights with the children whilst you sleep with ear plugs in and he does 100% of the night shift. Taht migth cool his ardour a bit.

SuePurblybilt · 12/06/2011 18:13

My Ex did this, FB/MSN chats, joined dating sites, tried to pick women up on FB. He was a real catch - unemployed and home all the time so like you, I coudn't see how he was cheating. The answer was he wasn't - but not for the want of trying. He actually tried to set up a 'date' tagged onto the end of a 2 day interview away from home once the wanker.

Obviously it was a deal-breaker for me, whether anyone was stupid enough to shag him or not, the fact that he killed himself trying and lied constantly online (told one girl he had been in the SAS and French Foreign Legion) and to me made me realise what a knob he was. To this day he doesn't believe he did anything wrong as he never actually managed to get his leg over.

Anyway, not sure how that little lot helps other than to show you are justified in being angry and you can do a lot better. I am much happier now without him Smile

passivelyaggresive · 12/06/2011 19:28

pumpernickel if my DP did it, i would be devestated, it is an emotional affair i suppose, but this person is old enough to be my father, and i would never ever "go there" with him, even if i wasn't with my DP. I guess that makes me a hypocrite. I think it was all a bit of a laugh to start with but it became very easy to talk to him, because there is the annonymity (excuse my spelling) and to this day i dont know what he looks like and ive known him for about six years. He helped me through PND and the loss of my father and i am very close to him. He put up with all my whining and whinging and hystrionics when my partner, through no fault of his own was at the end of his tether and I honestly think if it wasn't for my online friend, my relationship with DP would have floundered, strange as that may sound - its like i could dump on my online friend and because its not "real" he was distant enough to offer support without the emotional fallout and actually having to deal with the meltdowns.

Anyway, this thread isn't about me and im certainly not defending myself because i know its not right and im probably a bit of a hypocrite.

lessismore This doesnt have to be a deal breaker, i think it is very easy to get sucked into talking to people online, mumsnet is much the same almost, i get quite addicted to it. People get addicted to gaming sites too and i wonder if it is almost like that. Of course, if he is meeting women and more, that is a very different story and im very sorry that you are going through this.

pumpernickel10 · 12/06/2011 19:47

passive your so right the banter and chat on MN keeps me going. It's nice to chat to others :)

Xenia · 12/06/2011 21:13

(my not admitted was supposed to read "now admitted")

redwineformethanks · 12/06/2011 21:56

Sorry haven't read the whole thread but I honestly do think that deep down you probably know whether or not he can be trusted. Don't listen to strangers on the computer. Listen to your heart

vmcd28 · 12/06/2011 22:23

How do you know he's on msn a lot? Does that show up on the history?

vmcd28 · 12/06/2011 22:25

Oooh my, that wasn't meant to be arsey, was genuinely just wondering

PrincessJenga · 12/06/2011 22:37

Is it definitely a dating site? One of your messages says 'dating site', the other says 'adult site'. Sorry if that sounds pedantic, it's just that - personally - if I found out DP was using porn I wouldn't be too bothered, but if I found out he was on a dating site or talking sexually to others online (or in person!) I would string him up!

Whatever it is, you're clearly not comfortable with it though, so yes, talk to him. Ask what it is he's been doing. Then think carefully about how that sits with you. Don't make any rash decisions though. Good luck.

bringmesunshine2009 · 12/06/2011 22:53

Purly, ws he imperosnating Bear grylls?!

FabbyChic · 12/06/2011 23:08

He is still cheating by having an emotional affair.

TransatlanticCityGirl · 13/06/2011 00:00

Xenia, that is a gross generalisation, if I've ever heard one! What about Colleen Rooney, Hillary Clinton, for example?

The decision to work on a marriage or call it quits entirely depends on a number of factors, and staying isn't necessarily a sign of weakness as you imply. Sometimes it it a sign of a strong marriage if things can be worked out in a respectful and loving way. Not always, but sometimes.

Mordred · 13/06/2011 10:52

passivelyaggresive, your post stirred a lot of emotions in me and I just had to say something.

My wife has a similar 'relationship' with an online male friend, it's been going on for about 2 years. They've never met and I doubt they ever will. My wife is open about it and I say I'm OK with it. Sometimes she leaves herself logged in and I've read a few conversations between them (yes, yes I know I shouldn't have). So flirty and intimate.

And I'm not OK, I'm not. I don't want to be a controlling bastard and stop her doing something that's so important to her, but it's eating me up inside, it's like a burden I'm carrying. I hope your DP truly is coping with it.

Xenia · 13/06/2011 11:02

But I bet transatlantic that is took some statistics it would be less clever women economically dependent on men who stick by their man and others who don't. I accept Mrs DSK is rich but she is a third wife and knew the score when she took on the known adulterer so she's in a different category.

PatriciatheStripper · 13/06/2011 11:28

Just looking at a dating site isn't proof of intent. I've looked at them before, simply because a friend has mentioned that someone we know is on one, and I've had to have a nose :) Curiosity, pure and simple.

Then as passivelyaggresive says, the internet is addictive and he could just be following up something that's been talked about elsewhere, just like things get talked about on MN. I find I get sidetracked into all sorts of things that I'd never look for on my own. Again, idle curiosity.

vmcd28 · 13/06/2011 11:53

Mordred, if you're uncomfortable with what your wife is doing then you have to tell her. "Controlling " is if you do things like stopping her going for coffee with friends, NOT telling her you're not happy about her emotionally having an affair. In my opinion, getting married is making a promise that you WON'T do things like that.
She has no more right to do this than you have a right to ask her to stop.
chatting on flirting are two very, very different things.
If my dh said he's ok with me doing this, I'd think he had no interest in our relationship any more, which WOULD make me flirty etc with someone else. Does she possibly think you don't care enough to be put out by it?

pumpernickel10 · 13/06/2011 12:02

mordred if your so uncomfortable with your DW doing this then why let her continue,something that distresses you in not good. It may make her happy but it certainly is not making you happy.

Mordred · 13/06/2011 12:10

Thank you for the input vmcd and pumpernickel. She's been unemployed for a couple of years and it's something she says has kept her going. He works from home and they often chat online on and off all day. She has the laptop on the coffee table in the living room and watches tv and types away.

You're right, I do need to say something. I think she knows in her heart of hearts I'm not really happy about it - perhaps you're right though vmcd and she wants me to show that I actually do care about it. And I do.

pumpernickel10 · 13/06/2011 12:37

You sound like you care and because you care so much your letting her do it. Its something I can't comment on as its never happened to me but I would be devastated if DH was doing this. All I think is how long will it be til she decides to meet him in person?

AnyFucker · 13/06/2011 13:15

Mordred, I agree with the others

You should make it very clear to your wife that you are not happy with this extra-marital relationship she is undertaking

At the moment, I am afraid your passivity would make me think one of 2 things

  1. you don't really give a shit about her and therefore have no interest in what she is doing

  2. you are a grade-A mug

Neither of those are good impressions to make on your wife. Sort it out.

passivelyaggresive · 13/06/2011 13:33

Mordred - im sorry for your situation and your post really got to me :( I have repeatedly spoken to my DP about my online friend, and one time he did what you did and read one of our conversations and he was upset (to say the very least). I told him at that time, right, thats it - i wont speak to X again but he insisted that it was ok, so long as i was always open with him etc, which i am to be fair. We are in a similar financial boat and both he and my DP have businesses - so i often find myelf telling stuff to X and then telling DP what he has said, DP will even ask me to ask him stuff! Hmm Its a bit weird i suppose. Truthfully though, i wouldnt like it if it was on the other foot and im sorry to say it IS an emotional affair Blush. I would however stop it immediately if DP made his feelings clear that he didnt want me talking to X again.

I have to disagree with Anyfucker (waves madly, i used to be LEM, i bet you wasnt expecting that from me!) though.

My DP is no mug, but he is very understanding and realises that i need a friend sometimes. He seems to accept it. I think it is because he cares about me that he accepts the friendship. If i thought i were taking my partner for a mug, i would stop things immediately.

I would be lying if i said that i could give X up easily, but I would and he knows this.

Mordred - your wife is lucky to have you, and i hope she appreciates you - but you know, i think if you are that unhappy with it, you should ask her to stop.

AnyFucker · 13/06/2011 13:37

LEM, we don't have to agree all the time you know Smile

Look, a friend is one thing

A person who, by the very nature of your relationship, takes something away from your marriage, whether that is intimacy, trust, the other partner's feeling of safety and security or whatever is something else entirely