Dd1 want to ask you if we (me and DH) are being unreasonable

[DooinMeCleanin]

We are making her tidy her room, when all dd2 has to do is pick up some toys in the living room and then she can sit down on the couch.

DD2 is 4, dd1 is almost 8.

She also thinks it is unfair that she gets asked to go to the shop sometimes and dd2 does not. I ahve explained that this is becasue she is older and when she was four she was not expected to do as much as she is now her answer "It's not my fault I grew up, I bet other mams and dads don't make their kids do more just because they grew up"

So do you make your kids do more because they have grew up?

As an aside dd2 is sat on the sofa watching TV because she put the toys away when she was asked and has now finished. DD1 has spent the last two hours channelling her energies into screaming, crying and backchatting and still has her room to clean.

If they share a room and some of the mess is DD2's why couldn't they both tidy up? instead of one doing their room and one doing a family room they could both do both rooms couldn't they? I'm in no way saying DD1 shouldn't do more of it because shes older but from her point of view she's having to clean up after her little sister while she gets to watch telly.

We tidy up with ours together eventhough DD2 is only 9 months. I carry her around helping her put stuff away while DD1 does most of it but she sees that DD2 is expected to take part and isn't just having fun while she does the work. Bedroom and then living room and it's all done in no time with everyone then sitting down to cartoons together. I know it only works if they both co-operate because you can't stop DD2 from doing nice stuff because DD1 is being a pain btt because they (and me and DH ) are working together at the same time co-operation isn't usually a problem.

All in all though YANBU to expect her to act her age and do more for herself.

Your older DD will get more freedom than her sibling as she gets older, stay up later, have activities that her sister isn't old enough to do.
She can also leave home 4 years before her sister.
If I have to help a wailing, flailing child tidy up because they think it's unfair, I do it with a black binliner.
DD1, be grateful I'm not your mother.

Point out to her that her sister will also be expected to do more when she is 8 maybe? Then tell her to get on with it and stop being cheeky

Ah, I sympathise with dd1. I was the eldest child and life was always so unfair. And whenever we fought I was told off because I was the oldest and so should be the grown-up and apologise.

But yes, as long as they've both been tidying, of course she should.

I went to the shops on my own at 8. They were about 5min walk away and involved crossing a road. I am 32 so it wasn't eons ago and I don't think there was anything wrong with it at all, I was a pretty mature and responsible child.

I've just been up to check on her progress. She is cleaning up and doing well to be fair on her, whilst listening to a new album on her MP4 player and eating Jelly babies both bought with her pocket money, so obviously we are evil parents. I pointed out that she is lucky to have these things and that her sister does not have an MP4 player and she scowled at me.

She has been smart enough to bribe dd2 into helping with the promise of payment in the form of jelly babies

Rooks I'm eating my lunch atm as I am going to work at dinnertime, but ave just been sorting out their washing for school tomorrow. Why should I clean their mess btw? I don't ask them to tidy away my things.

Actually, come to think of it (I've been reminded by Goblinchild ), when my brother and I were that age we were expected to tidy up together. If the toys didn't get put away, the black bin bag came out. I don't remember anyone being particularly fussed which one of us did the majority of it. Whining and procrastinating by either one would result in The Bag.

The toy-filled black bin bag just sat on top of the wardrobe for a week, so not quite as barbaric as it sounds. But it still scared the crap out of us.

I think it is fair ... as long as you expect DD2 to do the same range of chores when she is 8. My experience of being the oldest is that I was always stuck with more jobs than the younger ones, even when they were old enough to do them (e.g when your DC are 8 and 12, you will still expect DD1 to be the one to go the shop because she is older).

I have also employed The Bag. Actually, 3 carrier bags - hidden in the garage (which is on the way to the bin so DS did think they had actually gone in the bin). Have never had any trouble since - all I have to do is mention toys going In The Bin and he tidies them up

NB - I'm sure it will all change soon - he's still only little - plenty of time for him to start with the "whateva, see if I care" etc.

Oh it's horrible being the eldest though... You always have to do everything and make allowances for the younger one and you can bet when the younger one gets to the age you were, you'll still be doing more because you're older. It only ends when you leave home.

I think I may have been quite similar to your DD1...

We use The Shelf, which works very well at the moment, but ds is only 4 so may have to progress onto The Bag in due course.

Completely agree with redskyatnight. I remember having to hang my brother's clothes up for years as he claimed he couldn't reach the hangers. I had to drag my mother into his room in the end and demonstrate that his reach was a good two inches above the hangers and had been for some time..

Bitter? Me?

OMG i have just re read the OP and i cannot believe you actually make your 8 year old dd go to the shop for you...why don't you go yourself???

I don't agree that dd2 gets away with not helping either..... even if most of it was dd1's.

You could give her the choice, if she wants to be treated like the 4 yr old in responsibility treat her the same with bedtimes etc.

She has to have been talking to my 11 year old who moans about the same things!!! YANBU

I am the oldest of three so I do make sure she is not expected to do more than her fair share just because she is older. She is normally given the change or some of the change for going to the shop and is allowed to refuse, so long as it's things we want and she's not refusing to go to the shop for things she wants.

Atm it sounds like she is getting away with doing very little as I can hear the following coming from upstairs...

dd1: No, that goes up there
dd2: I can't do it.
dd1: Yes you can. Just stand on that stool. I'll give you another red jelly baby and let you listen to any song you want.

I have employed a bag for life - DS 6 knows the toys can stay there forever if not earnt back because they are 'for life' And he is expected to tidy his room and any mess he makes as well as other chores.

Being the oldest is a PITA, and I agree with what thumbwitch said above ^^. As long as at 4yo DD1 only had to tidy lounge, not the bedroom and at 12 and 8 both DD's are expected to do the shop as 8yo is old enough then I think YANBU.

Hate to say it though but the elder DD in me does want to PMSL and sympathise with your DD1 as being the eldest you always get the responsibilities dressed up as priveledges.

Dd2 has now been dressed up with a fairy dress and wings and sprayed with 'magic cleaning up potion' aka Hello Kitty perfume, to turn her into the magical cleaning up fairy.

I'm not sure whether to applaud dd1's ingenuity or tell her off for tricking her sister into doing her chores. Still the screaming has stopped and I guess if dd2 is daft enough to do it....

Zukie - I hope you left home as soon as you could :(

DD1 is obvously a very intelligent girl!! and lets be honest one advantage of being oldest is you are cleverer and can make up games to entertain their younger siblings. DD2 thinks she's playing a game and as far as having a nice clean house goes if your children think that tidying up is a game they will do far more :)

Blimey Zukie!! Am shocked at that? are you bitter about how you were treated ?

ds is 8 he has to tidy up after himself and his sister. His sister is 18 months and has to help. His room is his responsibility.

As for the you should be helping comment earlier.....bollocks to that.

DS is now currently avoiding homework by rubbing my back. I am avoiding the ironing by mumsnetting. One of the privileges of age is occasional skiving. Your dd is unreasonable. In our house the saying is

If you don't expect do do anything. Then don't expect to do anything.

ie no tidy room = no trip to the park, free time outside etc etc.

Zukie

Going to the shop at 8 is fine depending on the circumstances. Doubt the OP is asking her to catch a bus across town and do the weekly asda shop.

Ha ha - your DD1 is a genius! I might try that on ds3 - put his knight's helmet on and tell him he's Sir Cleanupalot.

DD is 6 and has to tidy her room, empty her bin, fold her clothes and put them away, put her dirty dishes and clothes in the wash, she also tidies the living room for me when bumpy is making me sore :) would be a lot more if her dad had his way he thinks she should be doing dishes etc too.