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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

child maintenance- advice needed

60 replies

leanny · 11/06/2011 16:05

hi there, i have twin girls who are 8, their dad lives in reading we live up north i also have 2 sons with my partner. Since my girls were 3 their dad has been payin £200pcm maintenance via a private agreement, however a few months ago i discovered he had a change of job and was earning a lot more so i asked him to up the maintenance to which he said no, so i got in touch with the csa to ask them to calculate what he should be paying. i told the girls dad what i was doing in hopes that it would keep things amicable which it did for a while, he basically told me he should be paying £750pcm but after all the 'extra costs' were taken off it would go down to £500, anyway he deducted £250 for his travel, accommodation and food for while he is visiting the girls which is once a month. anyway so far i have recieved 1 payment of 500 and am still waiting for the csa to get back to me with a final amount, its taking longer than usual as he's applied to have the variation costs taken off. the problem i have at the minute is that now he is telling me he is takin money out of the 500 he gives for when he sees the girls to take them places etc and do activities. also they are going to spain with him n his girlfriend at the end of jully, my partner and i had already agreed that 50 is a sufficient amount of spending money for an 8 yr old to take on holiday for a week, however their dad is saying he is taking 200 out of the money he gives me for their spendingnmoney etc, food, icecreams......
to me this strikes me as a bit unreasonable, it seems he is still trying to issue control over the money side, and me, he doesnt like paying what he does but legally its what he should right? can he deduct money thhis way or am i being unreasonable?
many thanks, leanne

OP posts:

jumpforjoy · 11/06/2011 20:06

I take my hat off to you Altinkum forlooking after your 2 niece's, but can I just ask, are you single or do you have dual income?
Also do you work or are you a stay at home carer?

DoMeDon · 11/06/2011 20:07

wanting more unfair - obvs

MarianneM · 11/06/2011 20:14

I really can't understand the sort of father who begrudges his own children's maintenance?! If he is earning a good wage, why on earth wouldn't he want to support his children handsomely? And to be counting every ice cream etc...unbelievable.

I feel for you and your daughters OP.

StewieGriffinsMom · 11/06/2011 20:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DoMeDon · 11/06/2011 20:22

The sort who think the mother spends it all on themselves. The sort who think it's more important that new g/f has flashy dinners. The sort who walk out on family in the first place or only see DC once a month/year/blue moon. Basically selfish NRP's who don't deserve theie DC. They're everywhere Marianne.

Wellnerfermind · 11/06/2011 20:30

It isn't anything to do with who earns the most.

The NRP pays the RP and that's it.

One could be a millionaire the other on £15000 it makes no odds, it's still 15,20 or 25%.

And the money is not accountable it is for whatever the RP decides to spend it on.

Original poster

leanny · 12/06/2011 09:27

he is a director of recruitment services in the south! and im not greedy in the slightest merely doing what is right when he has fobbed me off the last ten months taking money out of the 200 a month he was giving, so yes im doing it the correct way this time. he told me he should be paying 750 like i said i am still waiting to hear from the csa whether this is right or not, from what i know of him he would have lessened this himself. you might put it down to greed but like other have said he should be paying a percentage of his income as is my oh for his son which works out as 200pcm why should i make exceptions for him...if you ask me its purley down to his greed nothing to do with mine, im just following the correct channels in the best interests of my daughters.
altinkum-sorry to hear about your situation...that is slightly different though isnt it, and you will be recieving disability allowance and carers allowance wont you? im unaware of how the system works before i get my head chewed off, thanks for your responses.

OP posts:

StewieGriffinsMom · 12/06/2011 09:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

leanny · 12/06/2011 09:32

DoMeDon- hit the nail on the head, 'the sort who is ment to see his daughters the last weekend of every month but frequesntly changes it to accommodate the rugby matches he has bought himself tickets to go watch, the sort who takes his new girlfriend on wine tasting weeked in france etc, and while he's doing all this he is buying his daughters christmas presents from the pound shop purely because of his own greed wanting to cut what he pays for his daughters to pay for his own lavish life style

OP posts:

Original poster

leanny · 12/06/2011 09:33

StewieGriffinsMom, the shocking

OP posts:

Wellnerfermind · 12/06/2011 09:33

Does he see his daughters?

Don't be surprised if he suddenly wants to see more of them now.

Original poster

leanny · 12/06/2011 09:35

he sees them once a month, he can see them howver much he want be he only wants to see them once a month he says this is due to the distance but if he wanted to see them more he would make it happen n find a way round it

OP posts:

StewieGriffinsMom · 12/06/2011 09:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Wellnerfermind · 12/06/2011 09:38

Carry on OP, those are the rules and he should pay up.

And don't let him reduce the money, keep to the CSA rules.

manticlimactic · 12/06/2011 09:48

I get less than £200 pcm and manage quite well. There are times I have to scrimp a bit. It doesn't cost any more to provide for the child just because his wage goes up. Have to agree with Fabby that perhaps this will backfire on you so I'd be careful.

Having said that if my ex was earning loads too right I'd want more.

manticlimactic · 12/06/2011 09:50

I take that back, I only have one child. You have twins.

Original poster

leanny · 12/06/2011 09:57

manticlimactic before all this i got 200 for them,if you dont mind me asking how much do you recieve? yes i will be careful i just want it sorted through the right channels now.

OP posts:

Original poster

leanny · 12/06/2011 09:59

StewieGriffinsMom- yes it does, to the people who rely on it and need it especially

OP posts:

corlan · 12/06/2011 09:59

leanny - had a similar situation recently. XP got a new job after being unemployed for 6 months. He's an accountant and told me how much he'd worked out he had to pay. Funnily enough the CSA worked out the figure at over double what he had! He applied for a variation because of his travelling costs for work. It took about 5 months to sort all this out and I phoned up the CSA regularly to check on progress.
He is paying the discrepancy between what the CSA worked out he should pay and what he thought he should pay as arrears which are included in the CSA payment.
Good Luck - why shouldn't your XP pay to support his child? Why do we let men off the hook and expect so little of them? To all those who can manage on £25 a week - fantastic - knock yourselves out. Meanwhile your XP will be spending the money that should have gone to supporting your child on beer,fags and comedy ties (that's what my XP does anyway!)

Original poster

leanny · 12/06/2011 10:03

corlan, did u recieve money off him privately while the csa was sorting everything out? to be honest i think the majority of his goes up his nose x

OP posts:

cricketballs · 12/06/2011 10:05

my first thoughts on reading the op were the same as fabby; you managed fine enough on the £200 per month and only 'went after' more money when you heard he had a new job. How much of this is to do with greed and how much to do with need......

corlan · 12/06/2011 10:07

Yes - he gave me what he thought he should pay while the CSA was sorting it out. This amount was taken off his arrears - I had to sign a form agreeing that I'd received it.

splashymcsplash · 12/06/2011 10:17

I don't usually reply to these posts as I don't know much about the csa however I wanted to just give some support to the op.25 a week for a child is a pittance and of course he should pay the csa amount! Im sure op isn't planning on having a party with this money. If there Is any left after day to day expenses it can be saved for the children's university. Kids aren't cheap, and I know my dd cost a help of a lot more than 25 a week.

WkdSM · 12/06/2011 10:23

We're actually on the other side of this equation. DH and ex had a court order pre CSA that was in force until SS2's 17th B'day - it was agreed DH would pay maintenance whether they were at school or not until they were 17 - but no nore after. She had all equity in house so had a mortgage less than £20k - 3 bed detached new home. We paid the maintenance even when DH unemployed for a while because it was important to support the children. We had SS2 live with us for 3 years and never received a penny from ex.

After he moved back to ex's she tried to break court order and CSA said she could not. 2 days after SS2's 17th b'day we got letter from CSA - although all was agreed in court ex had decided she wanted more money. Morally not on - but CSA have the legal powers to enforce.

We now pay just under £800 a month we had not budgeted on paying and will probably have to move house. Am I upset and think she is doing this for the money and to try and hurt us - yes. But that is the law.

Point is - you approached the CSA knowing you would probably get more money - but you would have to abide by their timescales and live with the delay. When the final figure is settled, he will have to repay the difference between what you have received and what you should have received.

You started the process - you have to live with the consequences - both short and long term.

midori1999 · 12/06/2011 10:23

OP, don't listen to those saying you ar egreedy, it's not about that, it's about what your DD's are entitled to from their father. He appears to be earning a decent wage and why should his daughters not benefit from that? It does, in fact, appear that he is the greedy one seeing as he has known he should be paying more maintenance than the £200, yet has still been deducting costs from that.

My exH is very good with maintenance. We have 2 DC the CSA would require him to pay for, but he views DS1 as his own although exDH has always earned pretty good money and we agreed between us 20% of his earnings would be reasonable. At one point he was paying me £1600 a month (although tbh, I'm not convinced this was as much as 20% of his earnings) This funded everyday things for the DC, but also nice holidays for them, lots of days out and ponies, which they wanted, plus a horsebox to take them to shows with said ponies. (I have always had horses) He never once tried to take a penny out of what he gave me and in fact always gave me several thousand pounds at Christmas for the DC's presents, and money on top for expensive birthday parties etc. The huge downside was he didn't see them very often as he was working abroad.

Now my exH is working for his family and earning considerably less and gives me £200 a month (again, I suspect less than the 20% we agreed) It means the DC have to go without a lot of things they previously had, but they don't mind as it also means they get to see their Dad more. Still, he wouldn't dream of taking any money out for things and is still happy to give extra for expensive school trips etc. We also each contribute an equal amount to Christmas presents so the DC can have a more expensive item from both of us rather than two smaller things they may not want so much.

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