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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not want to spend time with my DF now that she's let herself go?

71 replies

youdknowwhoiwas · 10/06/2011 20:06

My oldest friend, from infants, has over that last 10 years, in my opinion started to not really care about her appearance.

She's put on weight, and dresses frumpily.

I'm really uncomfortable to be out in public with her, because I hate people looking at us and judging. So I think I may be visibly squirming, but I don't think she's noticed.

I still love spending time with her and we visit each others' houses regularly and spend all major celebrations together. Our DC are best friends. And our DHs were at school together so we're very close. And this wouldn't change, just maybe scale back on the public appearances so I wouldn't get that awkward feeling.

AIBU?

OP posts:

TotalChaos · 10/06/2011 21:03

I have been everything between size 8 and 20 in my adult life, and have friends who are v. overweight and friends who are v. slim, and have never given a rat's arse about going out with them/other's opinions and vice versa. Sorry that you are having difficulties with this friend.

Nuttychic · 10/06/2011 21:10

Im so sorry about your friend How awful for you. I hope you drop her like a hot potatoe. I cannot imagine giving a rats bum what my friends look like! I wouldnt even notice what they dressed like ..... thinking very hard to try and remember what my friend was wearing today.....

Cymar · 10/06/2011 21:11

Nope, Fabby's good for straight talking. She calls a spade a spade .

Chipsycheese · 10/06/2011 21:37

I don't believe in judging people on how they look, I don't watch crappy 'makeover shows' and I think curvy people look as fab as any other shaped people and I think a £2 top is a good as a £200 quid one BUT could you give yourself a mini-make over?
It would be to make YOU feel more confident and feel better.
I am sure everyone knows what I mean -like when you get a rare night out and you finally get chance to brush your hair, put a bit of make up on, chuck some heels on and feel a million times better?!
I would not bother with your friend. I would not change for her, I am saying just do something to make yourself happier.

You might feel more confident to do some new things, new hobbies and then maybe (really hoping you will) meet some nicer people x

Original poster

youdknowwhoiwas · 10/06/2011 21:50

Of course I'm not happy with my appearance. I chose the language of the OP didn't I?

I would like to do something about it, but this is what's bothering me atm.

OP posts:

ThatVikRinA22 · 10/06/2011 22:07

i hate AIBU by stealth.

if you are not happy then do something about it. if your friend judges you for your weight/clothes then sod them if youre happy - if not then do it for yourself.

i had a mate who tutted and commented that i had put weight on when i went up to 8 stone after the birth of my first.....she was very shallow and cared only for her car and her clothes.
i fucked her off. close shave i think.

Original poster

youdknowwhoiwas · 10/06/2011 22:12

Was it AIBU by stealth?

Well I am going to do something for myself, but I am just saddened that a friend who I have shared every significant moment of my life with can act like this.

OP posts:

bbbbob · 10/06/2011 22:22

I think if she was a true friend she would be trying to make you feel better about yourself, and encourage you not behave in the way you have described.
But are you sure she feels this way?
BTW I imagine no-one is as hard on you as you are, you sound lovely but very sad, and if you were my friend I'd want to help stop the sadness.

Original poster

youdknowwhoiwas · 11/06/2011 21:47

Yes, I'm sure.

I saw the cringe.

BUt maybe this is the spur I needed.

We normally meet on a Saturday before church for a few hours but I decided to have tactical period problems.

I just need a breather.

OP posts:

lovemyskinnyjeans · 11/06/2011 22:18

Hi OP
I think you probably know the answer to your question re your friend yourself, but I just wanted to offer this. I spent most of last year dressed in the same pair of dull brown cords and a green jumper, or baggy jeans and hoodies. I was exhausted all the time and just couldn't be bothered to think about putting outfits together, so I'd shove something on first thing, thinking "I'll shower and change when I get back from the school run....only I never did. I felt awful and lost all my confidence, and it really was a vicious circle.
I have gradually forced myself to come out of it and I find the more often I make an effort, the better I feel. I know people shouldn't judge others by the way they look, but often the psychological response is rewarding when I make an effort, as people do react/respond in a more positive way towards me. I therefore feel more confident, and it's like the cycle in reverse...

passivelyaggresive · 11/06/2011 22:30

ohh ohh, i get to use my TROLL link again!!! This is a wind up, isnt it

passivelyaggresive · 11/06/2011 22:36

OH FFS!!! Sorry!! Should have read the thread - don't put yourself down, im sure you are lovely, you're friend doesnt sound like much of a friend, but are you SURE that is why she isn't coming out as much, have you asked her outright? She might be horrified if she thought you thought that, maybe she has stuff going on that she hasnt been able to tell you about

comedycentral · 11/06/2011 22:48

Troll

ThatVikRinA22 · 11/06/2011 22:53

its not a troll - its an AIBU by stealth though. why dont people read the effing thread?

5DollarShake · 11/06/2011 23:06

FGS, why do people think getting their two-penneth in is the most important thing - it is not a troll - ready the damn thread!

OP - I think a breather is probably a good idea. You're old friends - is thre any way at all you can broach this with her - let her know you're a bit hurt and see what she has to say.

I can't believe people - friends - would care so much about what random strangers think of someone that's not even themselves. Weird.

LynetteScavo · 11/06/2011 23:13

OP...the best of us have put on weight, but why do you dress frumpily?

I say cool it with your friend, get your hair done (everyone feels better after having their hair done) and buy a new out fit. Do it to make you feel good, not for anyone else, though.

PercyPigPie · 11/06/2011 23:34

OP - what I would do is use this as the spur you need, if you really need one. Do whatever you need to do to make yourself feel better, if you want to feel better. If you want a kick up the a*se to make you loose weight and smarten up then use it as that.

Then, I would drop her like a hot brick and make friends with people who are a bit deeper, be they fat, thin (and personally I would take great pleasure in dropping someone so vacuous).

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy · 11/06/2011 23:40

I don't give a monkeys what my friends wear or what shape they are, but I would be concerned about someone who previously took pride in their appearance dropping their standards as physical neglect can be sign of hidden problems.

Why have you 'let yourself' go, and is it simply a question of you being overweight and feeling down at the prospect of getting rid of the excess poundage?

Some of my friends don't have the figures they once had, but they still look amazing and this is partly because they carry themselves with confidence.

A good haircut (and maybe a colour that you can do at home?) can take years off, a colourful scarf detracts the eye, and meticulous attention to grooming shows the world that you care about yourself even if others don't.

From what you've said, the majority of yur life has been intertwined with that of your friend and you've been there for each other through thick and thin (no pun intended); can you not broach the subject with her and say how hurt you felt as it may be that you have misinterpreted her action. In any event if you intend to take yourself in hand, you'll benefit from her support and encouragement.

UrsulaBuffay · 11/06/2011 23:43

I'd tell her she's a shallow prick of a useless friend and can fucking well fuck off.

LineRunner · 11/06/2011 23:47

Church? You can ask for help there?

3Of1And1OfTheOther · 12/06/2011 00:42

you nasty fucker.

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