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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel like I've been interviewed and rejected re. friendship

63 replies

sparklingchampagne · 09/06/2011 10:25

A new boy has started in DD's Year 1 class.
I got chatting to his Mum in theplayground, and she invited me and DD round for coffee as she wanted to 'get to know people and see if they were suited to being her friend.' I thought this an odd way to word things, but DD and I went for coffee the next week.
We went to the park together, and I had to pull DD up as she went to cross the road without holding my hand, she got a telling off (she's normally as good as gold - was just excited)
I invited them back to ours, and because her son doesn't eat a whole load of food, made a real effort to plan something he could eat for tea. She went through what I was planning to feed him and then told me not to bother as it wasn't organic and he wouldn't like anything I'd prepared.
Since this, the Mum has put her head down and practically run away when she's seen me. Her son, at DD's party, was chatting to me and said that DD was really really naughty - because his Mum said so.

Am not going to say anything, we're all different and sometimes friendships don't take off, but AIBU for feeling like this was an interview for friendship!

OP posts:
thaigreencurry · 09/06/2011 10:51

It is crazy. I passed the interview friendship test once and was told I had passed. I assumed that she was joking and laughed. As time has gone on I realised she wasn't joking as others have failed the test. Hmm

My true colours have been revealed and I think she realises that she made a bad recruitment choice and I have been sidelined to the "outer circle", again her own words.

This whole middle class friendship thing is pathetic it really is. People overthink everything they do.

fuzzpigFriday · 09/06/2011 10:51

Be grateful you didn't pass her test - who'd want to be friends with such a snob?!

Original poster
sparklingchampagne · 09/06/2011 10:52

I'm not sure who she is friends with TBH, usually I'm gossiping at the school gates Wink I haven't seen her talking to anyone - it's a lovely school and all the parents chat, but when I have seen her she just runs to get him and then runs out again.

This is one interview I am pleased I have failed :)

OP posts:
madonnawhore · 09/06/2011 10:54

I cannot believe people actually have set criteria for a friends hierarchy and inner/outer circles, etc.

Some people are so, so strange.

Yekke · 09/06/2011 10:58

Rude, odious woman!

This kind of parent was the main reason why I used to smile, nod and hello politely, use the wait for the school bell to make business/social calls, collect my child and walk quickly away. If I got invited for coffee it was a terrible pity that I couldn't go, work commitments were such a bind. Wink

ExpatAgain · 09/06/2011 11:01

there are always people at the school gates who look for an exact match to them in terms of age/gender/diet/lifestlye of kids/parents..Some of us are more flexible! Horrible, but try not to worry about it, her problem not yours.. I understand where you're coming from though - as a fairly new expat where I live, I've just had 8 months of "interviews" (some nicer than others) as most people already settled here so have to pass the test to be an additional friend Hmm

pigletmania · 09/06/2011 11:23

Obviously she knows nothing about manners and etiquette. No skin off your nose,who needs friends like that best off without. Feel sorry fir her poor ds. Friendships happen naturally, not by interview process.

Punkatheart · 09/06/2011 11:26

You can be our friend - you passed our interview. We like honest and empathetic people. It's a ridiculous and controlling thing to test out friends - but even stupider to tell someone she is doing it!

OTheHugeManatee · 09/06/2011 11:37

"she wanted to 'get to know people and see if they were suited to being her friend.'"

If she's that weird and precious, no wonder she has to interview people to make sure their views exactly coincide with hers Hmm

Original poster
sparklingchampagne · 09/06/2011 11:43

It's a shame really, because we're really quite a nice bunch of parents, and she could have had some good friends. Hey ho Hmm

OP posts:
superjobeespecs · 09/06/2011 11:44

this is the exact reason i dont mingle with the school mums at DDs school!! as far as im concerned i dont have enought time in the year half the time to see my lifelong friends let alone time to be prissy and perfect for some snobby school mum OP you've nothing to worry about she sounds a right cow you're well shot there Grin

JaneBennet · 09/06/2011 11:51

Agree with the others, you're not missing out on much. There's a similar thing that goes on here and one mother really makes me laugh in her attempts to get in with the 'in' crowd.

sue52 · 09/06/2011 12:45

How odd. Friendship is an organic thing . Some people you click with instantly, other friendships develop over time. It's not something you interview for with a tick sheet in hand. I'm so glad DD is too old for the school run if this is the way some mother behave.

verytellytubby · 09/06/2011 12:51

She's an arsehole. I can't even believe how rude she is.

QuintessentialOldMoo · 09/06/2011 12:51

That woman is probably agonising herself now, thinking "That Sparkling, she was nice indeed, shame she does not eat organic food, or we could have been friends".

Hmm
bupcakesandcunting · 09/06/2011 12:53

I bet she is a MNer.

Grin
Cymar · 09/06/2011 13:18

Sounds like she wants to be friends with people who have exactly the same or very similar views to herself, so they'll be more likely to agree with her views than disagree IYSWIM.

I know a few parents like that at my DC's school. They like to think they're better than anyone else though, but that says more about them than anyone else. I've no time for that kind of carry-on.

porcamiseria · 09/06/2011 13:20

she sounds like a prize cow, dont make eye contact and pretend you are rejecting her too.bitch!

Cymar · 09/06/2011 13:21

Would be quite funny if she was a MNer Bupcakes. At least she'd realise how silly she was being after reading most of the posts on the thread Smile.

TotallyLovely · 09/06/2011 13:29

Good god!

BrigitBigKnickers · 09/06/2011 13:43

'get to know people and see if they were suited to being her friend.'

WTF? Are you serious? She sounds like a deranged snob

As for refusing tea as it wasn't organic! Shock

I would have shown her the door.

Sounds like she isn't suited to being anyone's friend...

MarinaIvy · 09/06/2011 13:45

I think she was being rude in her execution of the plan, but I'm not agin the idea of "vetting" some people.

Sheesh - people are going to think I'm a troll again, but hear me out.

No, the mother/child combo doesn't have to be exactly like mine - where's the fun in that?!? - but within XX degrees of whatever, yes, that's nice, when it comes to reasonably compatible levels/areas of discipline, verging on important if it ever comes to mums looking after each other's DCs.

Search your feelings, MNers, you know this to be true! To greater or lesser extents, we'd all think about "failing" somebody, for instance, if they'd shoot up drugs or engage in sex acts in front of our DCs we'd probably all agree. After thatm, it's really just degrees of tolerence and general preferences.

I think, though, this woman is a bit of an a**hole for saying it right out, as well as disparaging OP's DC to her own child. Those kids have to go to school with each other - bad-mouthing children isn't helpful.

MerylStrop · 09/06/2011 13:47

I'd chalk it up as a lucky escape - can you IMAGINE what a pain in the arse it would be to actually have to be that woman's friend?

LeQueen · 09/06/2011 14:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

saidthespiderwithahorridsmile · 09/06/2011 14:01

I did ditch someone recently thoughSad although it wasn't a question of interview pass or fail - in fact it was the "I like my friends to be intelligent" woman and I had tried to make the friendship work for over a year

in the end I did let it go, because:

  1. she smacked her child in front of me, which I can't cope with, and she boasted about smacking her own and others' children and how great it was

  2. she gave me a spiel about avoiding the local primary school (which my sons attend) because there are too many "special needs kids" there and "special needs 9 times out of 10 means thick and badly brought up"

  3. she treated her own kids like crap, moving them around from pillar to post to suit her boyfriends and she actually sat at my kitchen table and told me that it annoyed her that people assume she would put her dd before her boyfriend - "why on earth would I put her first? If it were for X (her ds) maybe, but not for THAT child. She doesn't DO anything, she's boring. Five year olds are dull anyway, I've done five year olds. Her father is bloody welcome to her"

same woman is now defying a court order and refusing to allow her dd's father any contact Hmm

so I did ditch a friend and I know she tells people I am a snob and I dumped her because she didn't pass muster

but sometimes it just has to be done!

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