DP has gone AWOL

[CatPower]

I haven't bothered to name change.

DP texted me yesterday evening to say he was going for drinks with people from work. Work's been fairly stressful lately so I was glad to hear he was socialising with them away from the office.

At midnight he gets in touch to say that he'd drank too much and was staying at a friend's house.

This morning, he pops up online saying he was at work, but was just finishing a couple of things off and then he'd be home. I took this to mean he'd be home around lunchtime.

Mid-afternoon he pops online again, very stressed regarding an issue with work, and disappears offline. I've heard nothing since.

His phone has run out of battery. He's not answering emails, he isn't online on Skype etc. I have no way of contacting him. I also don't have the use of my car (it is parked elsewhere, too far to walk, a whole other story) so I have a serious case of cabin fever.

We have one DS, he is four, and due to the lack of car (DP was meant to take me to collect it last night/this morning) he has missed a day of nursery.

Am I being unreasonable to be utterly pissed off? Please tell me I'm not, I feel like I could throttle someone.

I didn't sleep brilliantly, heard him up and about around 4ish, banging doors etc so god knows what he was doing.

Going to take DS to school and then get my car. If he's not working today I want to have a proper talk asap, otherwise it'll be this evening.

I definitely have been too passive, for too long.

Is he working today OP?

My DP did this once, but only once, when he realised how scared I'd been when he was late home from a boys' night out. He assumed I'd be more cross with a call telling me he was going to be late and so deliberately didn't phone me. Soon put him right.

He's not working, and does seem to be genuinely ill. He's asleep on the sofa just now. He's still giving me the silent treatment and I'm just leaving him to stew - I'm not giving in to his sulks. When I got up this morning he was obviously bothered by the fact I slept in the spare room, but hasn't mentioned anything directly.

I'm waiting until he's in a more receptive mood before I start talking to him about anything important. I'm considering my options, have checked a benefits calculator to see what I'd be entitled to should things go that way, and I know I could take DS to my parent's whilst waiting for accommodation to come up on the housing list.

I'm going to spell this out to him, too. He needs to be aware that I am not lost without him, I could feasibly get by without him.

Thank you, again, for all your support.

It really bugs me when people are well enough to work, but too ill to deal with anything at home. A cop out, I suspect.

Do you love him?

I do love him, but I don't particularly like him at the moment. Everything lately has been trundling along fine, so I feel like I am overreacting somewhat (especially given the fact I am weighing up my options re: leaving him), but it just feels like he'll never change when it comes to refusing to communicate like a bloody adult etc. He's very socially awkward too, and when we go out together I always feel like I have to coax him out of his shell or make excuses for him... and yet he seems to have been perfectly sociable and fine when out with his colleagues or HIS friends.

You're not overreacting. I too would find it unbearable to live with a deeply uncommunicative person.

From everything you've written, he just can't be bothered to think about anyone other than himself.

In his own mind, he can't see why he should be pleasant to your friends - he doesn't want to know them, and you're not important enough to be worth trying to please.

I dont think it is about being socially awkward, but about refusing to give.
T Sounds like a love miser, much like my dad. He never changed either. Must tell you there was no treasure of love all locked up. Just empty cold shortcoming and foolish inability to cultivate a good life. I tried for years to unlock the safe. Waste of time. He used to feign ill too. Never too ill to do what he wanted.

He sounds utterly selfish

I guess you need to decide if you love him enough to put up with a man who has no real incentive to change, nor might he even be able to for more than a very short time

I'm a MN lurker but your situation has made me want to post as I really feel for you. Sorry if this sounds new agey...

You sound like you're in a really difficult situation. You mention quite a few problems for a seven-year relationship. You've discussed the long-standing work/communication issues before but they've not been resolved. You have both involved your familes (he presumably has created a situation with his family that allows them to see you as the 'bad guy' and him as the 'victim') and you are both unhappy and are displaying that unhappiness to one another.

Can you speak to a counsellor - both of you if possible?

Can you take a couple of days away from home (maybe leaving your DS with your mum, say) alone (not with your mum or friends) in order to think things through. Why are you in the relationship? What needs are being met/not met? What would be different if you were not together? Making some kind of list, thinking about it and then weighing things up can help. It can really help to get space -physical and mental to think about things. Get back in touch with what you like, what you want, etc.

As others have said, your P is showing classic bad behaviour for a relationship! Can you really change that?? Is this who he is now, not necessarily quite the same man that you began the realtionship with? People evolve and change. Is he one of those (V annoying and weak) Ps who behaves in particular ways to force the other person to end the relationship? He has already cast himself in the 'victim' role to his family. If so, it is important not to react to that by refusing to end it if that is the best decision for you and your DS. It could be - not saying it is - that it would be better for you to separate, maybe even for a short time to get space for you both.

You've checked the benefits situation, housing and look at studying, work, stuff you can get involved in as well - the pleasant stuff that's about YOU.

Noone can be happy all the time - it's an emotion not a permanent state, but relationships should help us in our lives, not be a source of problems/make them worse. They shouldn't be battles. You deserve a healthy relationship and a good family unit for your DS.

Really?! Ta.

I meant to also say that battlefields are no fun for the children either - you never get to see each of your parents as their true selves - too busy being angry with one another. For years...

Oh Cat. I just feel really FUCKING INDIGNANT on your behalf.

HOW much time have we goodly women spent thinking about this today? Has he spent as much time? I haven't got much to add, except that I think you have every right to force a mature, adult (i.e. communicative...) discussion about this situation. He's really not being fair on you, and one word answers are just not acceptable. They really are NOT fair.

Oooooh. The only thing I would add, is that you are having this entire thought process in your head. You need to give him warning that any 'biggie' conversation is coming, otherwise he will feel a bit ambushed perhaps, and just close down because he's threatened. (And I bet he does know he's being unfair deep down, just can't be arsed to deal with it!)

Good luck. Lots of goodly thoughts and advice on here already, that was my twopennorth worth.

You lot are amazing. You really are.

We talked earlier, at last. I even showed him this thread. He has fully admitted he's been an absolute dick for too long. He apologised over and over and over for his behaviour, not just in disappearing and going out of contact, but for how things have been between us for a long time. We've talked about a lot of the things in this thread - he didn't realise that I was still affected by what happened between us before. Don't worry, I put a rocket up him for that - how could I not be affected by it?

There's a lot more talking to do, of course, things like this aren't fixed overnight. We're going to continue to sleep separately as we're both aware that we have things to work on and that intimacy has been breached. We've also agreed to go to counselling - together at first, then separately if it's needed, to find ways to help us communicate without me being angry and him going into his shell.

AF - he admitted to stonewalling, he read the link you posted and agreed that a lot of the traits described match him to a T. He knows how wrong it is, that's one of the things that really forced the issue about going to counselling. I know it's easy to say these things, but I believe he's being honest in wanting to get help and change, and for us to stay together.

Things aren't perfect - far from it. We have a lot of work to do to try and get our relationship back on track. I know it's not going to be easy, either, the counselling is likely to bring up all kinds of things to the surface, but I really hope we can get through it together.

Thank you, everyone, for all your support and advice. I'm so grateful to be able to post somewhere and to be able to get advice like this. You're blimming brilliant.

I am glad you are talking

Both of you

You just talking at him was never going to work

He has to listen and acknowledge you both have a part to play in nurturing your marriage, not just sit back in his own self-justifying little world while you go quietly (or not so quietly) mad

I wish you all the best x

cat I've been following this as I had similar problems with my Ex-P. Despite this I am not of the leave him camp.

What worked for me was telling ex that 'he needed me whereas I wanted him'. Basically as you've said he wanted you home because it was lonely without you whereas you say you love him.

I'm glad you've talked - really try to get him to understand how to make you feel loved and wanted not just needed.

I too talked at my EX as he wouldn't listen or respond. When I'd said my piece there was a silence which I'm sad to admit eventually got filled with my anger. It's no way to live.

I suggested 'date' nights with my EX to begin to rediscover why we feel in love/what we loved about each other. (he wouldn't hence split) but when I suggested this to a friend of mine it saved her relationship (and they got married last week and have DC2 on the way so deffinatly seems to work.

Best of luck.