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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DP has gone AWOL

92 replies

CatPower · 08/06/2011 19:21

I haven't bothered to name change.

DP texted me yesterday evening to say he was going for drinks with people from work. Work's been fairly stressful lately so I was glad to hear he was socialising with them away from the office.

At midnight he gets in touch to say that he'd drank too much and was staying at a friend's house.

This morning, he pops up online saying he was at work, but was just finishing a couple of things off and then he'd be home. I took this to mean he'd be home around lunchtime.

Mid-afternoon he pops online again, very stressed regarding an issue with work, and disappears offline. I've heard nothing since.

His phone has run out of battery. He's not answering emails, he isn't online on Skype etc. I have no way of contacting him. I also don't have the use of my car (it is parked elsewhere, too far to walk, a whole other story) so I have a serious case of cabin fever.

We have one DS, he is four, and due to the lack of car (DP was meant to take me to collect it last night/this morning) he has missed a day of nursery.

Am I being unreasonable to be utterly pissed off? Please tell me I'm not, I feel like I could throttle someone.

OP posts:

passiveaggresive · 08/06/2011 21:05

fuckthefuckoffandwhenyouvedonethatyoucanfuckoffagain - love it!!

I think you should batter him around the head with a wet salmon, does he do this sort of thing often? i think he is the one who should grow up

youarekidding · 08/06/2011 21:11

I'm glad alls OK catpower

ooohyouareawful now we know catpower DH is OK can I remind you of another recent thread (similar) where the OP's DH had been in a (thankfully not major) car accident. (and was injured).

Your DH/DP going AWOL is concerning and nothing to do with how mature you are. In fact I'd say any adult who can't communicate is the immature one.

My ex-DP is that because AWOL was (actually still is) his middle name.

Original poster

CatPower · 08/06/2011 21:12

He's always fairly ~focused when it comes to work. Works late often, works at home at the weekends, works on his own stuff as well as company business and I've never begrudged that at all. It's the fact he thinks it's okay to effectively disappear for 48 hours, leave me stranded with an antsy four year old who wants to DO! STUFF! NOW! and then have the gall to be angry at me for pulling him up on it.

I wasn't aggressive. I didn't shout. I just said "this really isn't on, you can't go off-radar like that and expect me to be fine about it. What if something had happened?" Then he went into his man-shell, staring at the ceiling and not saying a word, so I told him to grow up and stop acting like a spoiled child. He didn't like that much.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 08/06/2011 21:13

well, cat, although I am glad he is not catfood on the M6, he is definitely being an arse

what gives ????

a person with flu (real flu that is) would be at home, in bed, sleeping it off and rousing only for a bewailing moan and a LemSip

something smells fishy, here

Original poster

CatPower · 08/06/2011 21:17

I think he's overtired, probably still hungover, and he knew he was in for hell when he got home. The "flu" thing's an excuse.

His lack of communication issues are years old and ongoing, sadly. I thought we'd made a lot of progress in terms of him being able to speak to me about things, but it seems I was wrong.

We've been together for almost seven years and I am just so tired of feeling like I can't say anything incase it puts him into once of his silent, staring at the floor, one word answer moods.

OP posts:

Pumpernickel10 · 08/06/2011 21:17

Glad he's home cat hope your ok too?

Original poster

CatPower · 08/06/2011 21:19

He actually came out with the line "I've been working, I'm knackered." I was like, what do you think I've been doing, sitting on my arse watching telly all day? I've been looking after OUR son, the house, myself (having some health ~ishoos, all in another thread here) and trying not to think you've been hit by a car.

He just doesn't get it.

OP posts:

youarekidding · 08/06/2011 21:22

Oh cat have some very unMN (((hugs)))

Why is it people don't get your worried about them? Just because they know they're OK............. ?? URG

MadamMemoo · 08/06/2011 21:26

I'd be steaming if DH did that!

Give him hell!!!

Original poster

CatPower · 08/06/2011 21:27

He's gone to bed, sniffling and trying to make me feel guilty.

Fuck that for a laugh.

OP posts:

QueeferSutherland · 08/06/2011 21:39

My ex used to do this.

Note use of the word "ex".

Have a .

elmofan · 08/06/2011 21:53

YANBU at all , but try to leave things for tonight to settle down and see if you can talk to him in the morning while your ds is in school

Pedallleur · 08/06/2011 21:53

If his phone has run out of power how does he get in contact with work or clients? He wasn't answering your emails (doesn't mean he wasn't answering any). Who was the friend he was staying with? call me suspicious but these days being out of contact isn't an excuse as he could ask someone (a work colleague?) if he could borrow their phone, txt/email the number to you and you ring back or there maybe someone with a compatible phone charger.

skybluepearl · 08/06/2011 22:00

his behaviour is really selfish, letting you down school run wise, making you stranded without transport, not knowing if he was alive.

Original poster

CatPower · 08/06/2011 22:00

I really want to take him at face value about where he stayed. He texted me from that colleague's phone to tell me he was going out for drinks (about 7pm yesterday) so I want to trust him on that. There's no reason for me to think otherwise. Doesn't stop my imagination running wild though.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 08/06/2011 22:13

if my husband stayed out overnight, was uncontactable, and then came home in a foul mood and made me STFU by being completely uncommunicative, I would think I had a problem in my marriage

and it wouldn't be simply that he was a workaholic

Original poster

CatPower · 08/06/2011 22:17

I know, AF, believe me, I know. And I am really glad you commented on my thread because I've seen you in others and I know the advice the give is solid. There are definitely problems, he's a commitment-phobe of the highest order, doesn't talk about "big" relationship issues, doesn't do confrontation etc etc etc.... I don't know how it got this way, and I haven't a clue what I'm meant to do about it.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 08/06/2011 22:25

It got this way because he stonewalls you, it seems to me, after just a few paragraphs you have written

a very good control technique, along with sulking and making you give all the ground in an attempt to make things "nice" again

does this ring any bells ?

blackeyedsusan · 08/06/2011 22:27

different if he had said.. I'm going to work, got a lot on, going to be late. implying that he would be home soon and not turning up is worrying.

leaving you carless and stranded when he had promised is not on. I should be expecting an phonecall to apologise if he couldn't make it. and he is trying to blame you?

Original poster

CatPower · 08/06/2011 22:28

AF, that link isn't working.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 08/06/2011 22:32

try it again, love

AnyFucker · 08/06/2011 22:33

^Stonewalling
Stonewalling consists of:

1.Refusal to negotiate a conflict in good faith
2.Refusal to discuss honestly one?s motivations
3.Refusal to listen to another point of view with openness
4.Refusal to compromise
5.Refusal to collaborate
6.Refusal to support the other person?s plans
7.Refusal to accept influence
Stonewalling is a widely-used strategy in most unsatisfying relationships. Stonewalling alone without any other more coercive tactics probably does not limit the partner so much that a relationship can be termed abusive. That is because someone on the receiving side of stone-walling still has options to end the relationship, or get needs met elsewhere. In a business relationship, stonewalling makes no sense because the other party would just take their business elsewhere.

However, in an abusive relationship, isolation and threats are usually present, and the survivor has no safe options to pursue needs except through the primary aggressor. Most ?nagging? is usually a survivors attempt to overcome stonewalling. In an abusive relationship, stonewalling may become a fundamental tactic, because it is a way to apply pressure that seemingly can?t be confronted, because it is exactly ?not doing anything.?

Stonewalling benefits from male privilege, because an uncooperative man will usually still get taken care of by a female partner anyway. A female partner that stops housework or other care for the primary aggressor in response to stonewalling may incorrectly be viewed as ?starting something.?

Sometimes, survivors will avoid discussing a primary aggressor's demand because they are attempting to put together an indirect "no" where a direct "no" is not safe. This is not stonewalling, especially if there is cooperation (or submission) overall. Stonewalling is a complete pattern of non-cooperation that only works from a position of power.^

Have cut and pasted the text.

Original poster

CatPower · 08/06/2011 22:36

I'd say points one to five are hitting close to home.

OP posts:

OldMacEIEIO · 08/06/2011 22:38

oop north here, we do Dry-SoneWalling

AnyFucker · 08/06/2011 22:39

Google "stonewalling"

There is lots of info

It's not known as "one of the four major deal-breakers" for nothing

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