I simply can't understand why this discussion has to become so polarised, again and again, with everyone screeching about judginess while clearly pursuing their own judgey agenda. And if posters say they're not playing judge, well the Crown Prosecution wannabes on here will seek high and low for evidence that they are, in fact judging: "I'll be judge, I'll be jury, said cunning old Fury, I'll try the whole cause and condemn you to death!".
I don't get what's to be gained from turning a discussion into some sort of cat and mouse game where the main thrust of someone's point is ignored so some sort of strange subtext can be sought out. It's a pain in the arse. This topic is one that a lot of women are interested in and particularly interested at key points of transition because it represents, whatever they choose, a major decision in their adult lives. And often many adult decisions as most women chop and change what they are doing throughout the childbearing years. It is worthy of discussion and it is not "scary" that everyone doesn't agree on the solution to some of the problems and compromises that women face on the first sodding page.
AdeleofBlois, your contributions have really added to this thread and have been really interesting to read. I can see what you are saying and would particularly be concerned about the propensity for a state payment to be used as a stick to beat women with and make the choice to work hard and more potentially guilt-laden than it often is already. I can't think of any good reason for a state payment for sahps, though I do
think there is potentially an issue with state subsidisation of childcare supporting some women's/family's choice but not others, though I say this as one who takes my childcare vouchers gladly and would be loath to be without them..
As a working parent, I think that ideally there would be room for us to have value for all sorts of parental choices - to be able to see the benefits of being a sahp while being a wohp without needing to "match" up to it by saying that being a sahp is "easier" or a "luxury" or that we interact more intensively etc.. but I don't think money is the route to that.
This extract from "Maternal Desire" by Daphne de Marneffe sums it up for me at the moment as I am in my life right now:
The way that accomplishments are measured and rewarded, and their relationship to how our society structures work, means that many mothers experience themselves at the intersection of two completing and somewhat mutually exclusive reward system. This can produce painful conflict, not least because it is hard to do two things well... When we interrupt our participation in a process, either at work or with our child, with a litany of doubts and concerns - "Should I really be doing this? Is this the best use of my time?" we drain our experience of pleasure, cohesion and depth. Some mothers feel that this level of conflict, particularly as it realtes to their work and motherin groles, is a constant companion, detracting from the rewards of either role....
As mothers we should give ourselves the room, the dignity, to discover what we think and what we want. Each of us must think through the issues for herself so that the life we live is a personal creation rather than a resigned-to reality.
I'd love to have the chance to discuss and think through what it is I think and want in my own life in terms of whether I choose to continue to work, increase my working hours or stay as I am without needing to be defensive but AIBU is, for obvious reasons, never going to be it. I wonder where would be a good place to talk about all of this stuff on MN without needing to be in AIBU-mode? 