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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not let ils take dd out?

28 replies

familyfun · 08/06/2011 10:46

DD is 3.11 and ils told her this week they would take her out for the day and dd was pleased as she loves them.
BUT, ils are in 70s, mil doesnt wear a seat belt, i dont think they would remember to strap her in car or remember how to, they have their stinking dog in the car and even if its not in the car stinks, they argue loudly all the time and dd would be trapped listening to them, fil is ill at the moment with headaches, they arent safety conscious like hand holding by roads etc, they have never looked after her for us.
aibu?
dp agrees with me that they shouldnt take her and shouldnt have told her without asking us first.

OP posts:

AMumInScotland · 08/06/2011 10:53

If you are worried that they won't keep her safe, then YANBU to say they can't take her out on their own. But it sounds as if you just don't like them very much, and as she gets older (so safety is less of an issue) you'll have to think through how you can let her have a relationship with them.

How about you go out with them and her together? Then she can have fun with them but you can be sure she is safe?

pingu2209 · 08/06/2011 10:57

Initially I thought you were being very unreasonable. However, if your dp totally agrees with you, then to say no is fine.

However, your dd has a right to have a relationship with her grandparents. They aren't abusive. Perhaps if you spoke with them to say "you must always hold her hand, you must strap her in her car seat etc." Then you will feel more comfortable with it.

A smelly dog really doesn't matter.

ooohyouareawfulbutilikeyou · 08/06/2011 10:58

wow i wonder how your OH ever made it into adulthood

CogitoErgoSometimes · 08/06/2011 10:59

Grandparents that want to be involved in their grandchildren's lives are to be encouraged, not rejected just because they are old, have headaches, own a dog and are a little lax with wearing seat-belts. None of that means they don't love your daughter or that they wouldn't look after her properly. They raised your partner successfully, after all. Maybe, if you're really concerned, you could all go out for the day together & educate them in the ways of car-seats first. Or let them look after her at their house? Then a day out with them might not seem so scary to you.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 08/06/2011 11:20

Can DD not strap herself in now? If not, teach her, she's not too young. Put some reins on your DD and ask grandparents to make sure that they use them or she's holding hands. It doesn't matter about the dog or if the car smells. I think you're micro-managing a bit and that's unnecessary. If your DD loves her grandparents then make it easy for them to have a relationship. Why not offer to take them out with your DD sometime and have a day together?

Original poster

familyfun · 08/06/2011 20:27

they see her at least once a week, mostly at our house, we have been for days out all together, we even invited them to come and stay on holiday with us for a short break (which they declined) so im certainly not stopping them having a relationship.
i agree the smelly dog doesnt matter as such, dd will wash
yes dd can strap herself in but it bothers me that mil doesnt strap herself in.
my main concern is the argueing to be honest, dd doesnt like raised voices and nastiness and gets quite upset by it, they say they wont argue but i is endless and really snarling at each other and often day trips end in silence and straight home for them as they fall out, not healthy imo.
yes dp made it to adulthood but was let out and did as he pleased and saw plenty of arguements to the point where he hates confrontation now and leaves his parents house when they start.

OP posts:

nethunsreject · 08/06/2011 20:29

I think you're being reasonable. The car safety thing would be the deal breaker for me.

saffy85 · 08/06/2011 20:36

YANBU to be concerned about your DD's safety. Whether it's fair to say no they can not take her out for the day just them really depends on whether they will take on board that she needs to be strapped in when in the car, that they should hold her hand when crossing the street etc (why wouldn't they? my MIL would never let go of DD's hand and not only to keep her safe).

If you don't feel you can talk to them honestly about your concerns or they refuse to listen to you then tbh it's understandable that you say no.

Firawla · 08/06/2011 20:38

i think go out all together with them as an alternative, then dd wont feel she has missed out on her trip but these concerns of yours will be avoided

griphook · 08/06/2011 20:39

I think you are being totally resonable, any one who doesn't wear a seat belt is responsible enought to look after children.

PumpkinBones · 08/06/2011 20:45

I was, in all honestly, really quite precious about my IL's having DS1 when he was a toddler (he's now 5) and justified it to myself with things like MIL always moans about her inability to do fiddly things like child seat belts...as a result they have only taken him out one day and DS2 never - they've stopped asking ages ago. I feel guilty about this, and now realise I was making excuses because I just didn't want them to have him. Now they have a much better relationship with my mum, and, as mother of 2 boys, I realise how sad it must make my MIL - who also only has boys.

Original poster

familyfun · 08/06/2011 20:46

will definitely all go out together but dont think they have enough common sense to have dd alone.
eg, they took dd to see a horse by a pond while we were in the house 100m away, then they walked back to fetch something leaving dd alone by the pond, dp spotted them walking back without her and raced there to find dd standing waiting but she could have fallen in, she was out of eye sight.
mil also dropped a tablet on out carpet when dd was nearly 3 and said to dd ooh nany has dropped a sweetie, she didnt understand why i went mad and told her how dangerous it was.

OP posts:

BearBehavingBadly · 08/06/2011 21:01

I think you are being very reasonable.
It's the argueing & sniping that would do it for me as it's not nice for little children to be subjected to that.

WhereYouLeftIt · 08/06/2011 21:33

at the 'dropped a sweetie'!

Although I'd already thought YANBU before I read that far. They can have a relationship with your DD whilst you and/or their son are present, but sadly I would not consider it to be safe for your DD to be supervised only by PIL.

skybluepearl · 08/06/2011 22:29

don't let them take her if you feel she wont be safe in the car/crossing roads. also the arguing would make me say a firm no.

squeakytoy · 08/06/2011 22:38

the fact that MIL doesnt wear a seat belt wouldnt bother me. I rarely wear a seat belt myself... but I always insist on my passengers wearing one and my granddaughter is always strapped securely into her car seat.

The other issues, such as leaving her unattended by a pond and a horse are bit more worrying.

MollyMurphy · 08/06/2011 22:41

Well bottom line is if you don't think your child is safe to be with them then that is paramount. If it was just the arguing or the car smell or whatever I would say you were being unreasonable but...since its a safety thing - that is you and your DH's ultimate responsibility. So if your not comfortable with it rearrange it to be a family outing instead. Maybe some trial runs with them babysitting in your house if they have their heart set on alone time?

K9999 · 08/06/2011 22:47

Car safety would be a deal breaker for me. If MIL isn't safety-conscious I'd worry about my child. Dog, no worry, arguing, well it happens you can't wrap your child in cotton wool, headaches in an older gentleman who is driving an no seat belt awareness, no, YANBU.

mamandeouisti · 08/06/2011 23:26

squeaky - if you don't wear a seatbelt you can be flung around in an accident and kill anyone you come into contact with (whether they are strapped in or not).

I know how you feel OP, but I still regret some of the things I didn't let my MIL do, or stuff I moaned about...now that she is no longer with us. I agree your child is still quite young for essentially "unsupervised" trips...but if you can find a way to make it safe but let it happen please do.

I had a row with my MIL at DS's christening because she insisted on changing his nappy and I criticised her for the way she did it (poor eyesight led to poo not being wiped properly and thus the vaguest inkling of nappy rash). Why didn't I just change him again myself and not make a fuss?

I got cross with her on trips for spoiling him in shops as he could pretty much name whatever he wanted and she'd get it...(I thought that he shouldn't be learning that he could buy stuff every time). It took me a while to just think...let her enjoy him while she can.

My mum is 20 years younger than MIL was and also MY mum...so maybe I just trusted her more. She also didn't take quite the same huff about my rules. Nevertheless, I am grateful for the love my DS still has for MIL. She died when he was 4 and he's now nearly 9. We remind him of things they did together and she is very much included in family stories.

I wish you luck in dealing with this one. Attitudes change and we all do things differently but finding a way for older grandparents to still be involved is important (as I think you said you do try to do). Perhaps you should remind them that it's not really fair to promise your child something without checking with you and your DP first. Also remind them of all the things they'll have to remember if they want to have a successful day out. Think snacks, toilet breaks, changes of clothes...blah blah blah. Are they SURE they want the responsibility?! Then suggest something that will suit everyone.

However, don't compromise on safety! I think both sets of GPs thought I was off my head insisting on proper use of suncream...and even I have to admit I was a bit obsessed with moving the parasol on the buggy every time we turned a corner(!)...but DS has never had sunburn. They thought I was mad...but they got the message.

squeakytoy · 08/06/2011 23:36

squeaky - if you don't wear a seatbelt you can be flung around in an accident and kill anyone you come into contact with (whether they are strapped in or not).

Highly improbable while driving at less than 30mph, and in the drivers seat..

I always wear a seat belt on motorways or journeys where I will be travelling at speed.

I find seatbelts very uncomfortable and always have.

naturalbaby · 08/06/2011 23:47

squeakytoy - have you seen the crash test videos and road safety videos?? 30mph is still fast enough to cause significant damage.

Nanny0gg · 08/06/2011 23:53

I am in my 50s and my gc wears me out!
They are in their 70s now, so the fact that the OP's DH made it to adulthood is irrelevant - his childhood was years ago!
They are not as capable now, clearly and the child isn't yet 4.
I wouldn't let them have her without being present myself. They have already shown that they really don't know what they're doing.
And preventing them going on a day out doesn't mean they can't have a relationship with their GC for heaven's sake!
YANBU at all!

SpeedyGonzalez · 08/06/2011 23:55

YANBU. Your safety concerns are perfectly reasonable, IMO. And, like you, my DS (age 4) would find the constant arguing very distressing - some children and adults are just that bit more sensitive to their environment, which is fine in itself, you just need to be aware of how you expose them to stuff when they're wee.

My ils are significantly older than yours. Apparently MIL nearly dropped baby DD on a recent visit because she had her in her arms whilst standing up - seems she's not strong enough to carry her unless she's sitting down. Must've been awful for her - DD was fine, I can just imagine how helpless and frustrating it must've been for MIL. Also FIL was insistent on the same visit that uncovered electrical sockets on a switched-on adapter were not in the slightest a health-hazard for a crawling baby with tiny fingers. (literally)

We shall not be leaving DD alone with them!

Original poster

familyfun · 09/06/2011 20:33

its mil who doesnt wear seatbelt at all and she is a passenger, she recently came with us to the park, i squeezed in the back between 2 carseats (have dd2 6 months too) and mil sat in front and dp told her to put her seat belt on which sh seemed to do, except when we got to the park she laughed and told us she had just slipped it over her shoulder incase the police went past. dp saidit was our safety we were worried about and she just shrugged.

I'm going to stick to my guns and not let them take her, maybe when she is older if they still want to/are able to but i dont trust them, they wouldnt intentionally hurt her or endanger her as they love her but they dont think things through.

they see her weekly and come to all events, birthdays, christenings and meet us at parks. farms etc so imo see her plenty and i dont really think they need alone time.

OP posts:

mamandeouisti · 09/06/2011 23:59

Probably a good call, Op. If they have plenty of opportunities to see her (and dd2)...then you can keep an eye...

Can I also suggest that, as soon as you can (and continuing as she gets older), you get them to talk to dd and write down their experiences of life, their childhood and stuff that they can share with her. Have more story time or make and do with them...just to have a different generation's perspective. Good luck!

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