to be annoyed at my boss about this?

[Moulesfrites]

I am currently on maternity leave and my ds is 4 months old. I had originally planned on going back to work in September and when I was pregnant I mentioned this to my head of department (am a teacher) informally when discussing my plans.

However, since having ds, I have reconsidered and decided I wanted to take the whole year. I had discussed this with some of my friends from work informally, but hadn't really made a final decision until this past week when dh and I assessed our finances and decided to go ahead with this decision. So, this morning, I emailed the payroll secretary of work telling her my plans and asking what further action I needed to take (putting it in a letter etc).

A couple of hours later I get an email from my head of department, asking what my plans are to return as her boss (deputy head) is hassling her about the timetable. In the email she actually said "what do I care???" as she has a new job and so is leaving at the end of the summer term anyway. I reply that I have just spoken to the relevant person this morning and repeat to her what my plans are.

She then sends a very stroppily toned email, saying that yes, the secretary had already told her and the deputy head already knew, but it would have been nice to have heard it from me, and this meant that she would have had to change the timetable "AGAIN!!!"

I am shocked tbh about how unprofessional she has been. I have a 4 month old who I am totally consumed by. The fact that she has to change the timetable is of absolutely no consequence to me and I refuse to be made to feel guilty about it. I was actually under no obligation to tell them of when I planned to return yet anyway, I just did it out of courtesy. She is obviously pissed off that I have told the secretary before her, but as far as I am concerned I was just going through the correct channels. She has had a bit of a history of dealing badly with maternity issues, part time workers etc who she manages, and so I thought it would be best to just tell payroll as I suspected she would make it into a personal issue, which she has.

I am trying to compose a gracious but also strongly worded email back, but am not sure how well advised this would be. I wanted to mention something along the lines of hoping there are not too many troublesome childbearing women to manage in her new job, but at the same time, she has overall been a good boss to me and I dont want things to end sourly between us.

So, AIBU? Sorry for length!!

Ignore the naysayers. People change their minds all the time about how long they want to take for maternity leave - it's normal to think one thing before the birth of your child and another after. And anyone dealing with staff on maternity leave should take that as a given.

I think one of the key issues here is that 'She has had a bit of a history of dealing badly with maternity issues, part time workers etc who she manages, and so I thought it would be best to just tell payroll as I suspected she would make it into a personal issue, which she has'.

It seems like you knew that the moment you had a change of heart it would lead to an unsympathetic reception and that kind of atmosphere made it difficult for a free and frank discussion of your future plans.

I'm not advocating messing people about and expecting them to dance to your tune, but it honestly sounds like you've done nothing wrong. She could just as easily said 'oh groan. I've just done all the timetables. sorry, not blaming you, just stressed about work', or something less aggressive and you'd have been able to apologise for the disruption and sympathised with each other.

One thing I would say is get used to it. She's not the only one out there who thinks this way.

Ok, thank you to those who gave advice yesterday, i am still really upset about this.

I sent a businesslike email back, which she has since objected to, saying I sound like one of our other colleagues who she does not have a good relationship with. The irony is, that the two of them used to be best friends and my boss is actually godmother to this colleagues child, but they have since fallen out about a similar child related issues - colleague wanted to return part time and keep her responsibilities, and it all ended messily.

I have explained the restrained tone of the email, and apologised again.

She has replied with a quite hysterical rant about how she has always supported maternity leave even though she is childless herself but this is her choice, etc, which I would never dream of commenting on. Am not sure if she didn't mean to send this message, as it was cut short, followed by another email which basically says that none of this matters and she is done with this. So I am not sure if she has accepted my apology or not, it all seems a bit hysterical tbh, lots of !!!!s and ????s. She says that all that matters was that I got the arrangement I wanted- but this arrangement was not really hers to grant, was it?

I have been in tears about this today, just seems such a shame that this has ended badly, though I realise I am partly responsible. Any tips on how to move on from this?

I would just write her off as an unhinged loon and be grateful you don't have to work with her again. It's sounds like she has her own issues with not having children.

Hopefully your new HoD will be more stable!

Keep it very formal and business like. Don't go down the personal path at all. KEEP HER EMAILS!!!! (very important, that one!). She is bullying and harassing you, her responses are so far beyond what the situation requires. If she emails again, or you need to email again, CC someone else appropriate into the email to avoid it going down the same path again.

There's no real reason for you to need to move on. She's leaving so you won't have anything to do with her when you do return anyway. If anyone criticises you with regard to your dealings with her you will be able to rebut any criticisms by providing copies of her emails.

You come accross as selfish and self-absorbed sorry.
Your e-mail (that you didn't send) was extremely rude (as TBH was telling the sec and not your 'line manager') is it really that hard to copy both into the message or even e-mail her too?

I dont see why people are saying you are rude by telling the secretary, tbh!

Also, youre only obliged to tell them when you're going back, with 28 days notice. That is all. So why are people saying the op is being unreasonable at giving them months and months of notice?! The employer is supposed to assume you are taking a year off, unless they hear otherwise.

Shakirasma, why should the timetables be of concern to the op? The manager wrongly scheduled the timetable, even though she had no concrete plans to return. That isnt the op's fault. She has done exactly what she is meant to do, and fulfilled her responsibilities, but her line manager has behaved very unprofessionally. WHATEVER you think of the op's comments, the head is the one who is mean to be professional in all of this.

and namey, of course the email that she didnt send is rude - cos she was never going to send it

Gosh - I am apalled by her. At my work it is very clear to us that under no circumstances are we to do anything other than assume that someone will take a full year off unless and until the formal 2 months intent to return early notice is received. She would be disciplined where I work, no mistake about it. There is absolute acceptance of people's right to take whatever time off they consider is necessary given their cirumstances, change their mind a dozen times etc and any and all contact from the firm to the person on leave has to be positive. Makes me realise how lucky I am.

How awful for you - sympathies. I don't think you are being selfish and self-absorbed at all, I think when you are on a long period of leave thoughts of work can be stressful enough without someone at work acting like a vindictive, stressy drama queen.

Tips - forget it, ignore it, enjoy the rest of your leave. Don't reply to her again other than perhaps to wish her well when she leaves (through gritted teeth). It really wont be a big deal once she is gone and it is time to go back.

Yes she is letting her personal feelings about her relationship with you get in the way of what should be a straight forward professional arrangement. I am the HR Manager for my organisation and Mat leave is notorious for getting everyone in a bit of a state. New mums because they really don't know how they are going to feel until baby is born ( hence why the assumption should always be that they will be off for 12 months unless they state otherwise) and the staff/ management left behind because although maternity leave is a mothers right and appropriately so it nevertheless has an impact on those left behind and someone changing there mind can be about what they intend to do about whether they do or do not return to work can be really inconvenient and an organsational headache.

Your boss does sound like she is being a bit over sensitive about the whole issue but so do you.

If I were you I would refrain from making any comments on how well or badly you think she does her job and just stick to the facts of what your intentions are.....and then get on with enjoying being with your small person because before you know it you will be back at work !

I work for a huge organisation but have a somewhat niche job. In the end, they've always found someone to cover my maternity leaves, but it hasn't been easy. Certainly, their working assumption has always been that I will be taking a full year and that it's a bonus when/if I come back early.

Schools do seem particularly tricky from an organisational perspective. Partly because there are relatively few people with the specific skills to provide cover, and partly because timetables need to be confirmed so far in advance, and partly because there's very little flexibility.

It sounds like your boss is being ridiculous and unprofessional. Shame she's decided to respond to what must be a challenge in such a poor manner.

well vmcd the last para of the OP goes on about composing a strongly worded reply and the email post asks for opinions re sending it

you (the OP not vmcd) would be openly recognised as being very difficult where I work

basic people skills surely to keep communication open with your line manager re your intentions

were I your boss (and I've had my fair share of mat leave as have the colleagues I line manage) even I would be thinking 'drama queen' at some point even the OP will realise that her PFB is only 'consuming' to her (probably around the time her PSB comes along )

Schools do seem particularly tricky from an organisational perspective. Partly because there are relatively few people with the specific skills to provide cover, and partly because timetables need to be confirmed so far in advance, and partly because there's very little flexibility.

I work as support staff in a school and when I went on ML they told me it was far harder to work out than covering a teacher. They said for a teacher they'd ring an agency, tell them what level they needed them to teach to and that it was maternity cover so up to 12 months. With my post I have specialist knowledge that isn't eaasy to come by without having been in a school and working through all the software training. Plus I had SEN training for exam stuff which nobody else did at the time. So covering me was apparently much more of a headache than covering one of the 6 teachers that were off at the same time as me! (Except I was probably cheaper to cover )

Yes, and I acknowledged that the email I composed was too stroppy and that I shouldn't send it, and I didn't, and followed the advice I received on here to send something businesslike. I often write down my grievances as a way of venting.

As has been pointed out, I have given months of notice.

Months in the normal world maybe, but not months in the world of school. A matter of weeks before school finishes for a couple of months, so not a lot of time to re-organise. Such a shame because a quick conversation could have overcome this bad feeling on both sides.

You do need to put it to one side thought now, and get on with enjoying being with your dc.

I accept that I should have communicated with her better and I have apologised three times for this now.

Something I don't really get is that she is going on in her email about how she has always been accommodating and supportive of maternity leave- but surely to not be accommodating would be against the law? Similarly, she has said all that matters to her was that I got the arrangement I wanted (ie a year of), but that is not really her arrangement to grant, is it? So she is making claims about how generous she has been, when in actual fact she has no choice in the matter?

Is interesting to hear the hr protocol in other workplaces.

Off sorry!

ummm

the public sector organisation I work for has relatively recently got rid of 3 senior staff who got pregnant
yet they tout their family friendly policies and procedures to all and sundry

But that is outrageous namey!

How can this happen yet other workplaces like Sarahbumbearer's are so protective of mat leave rights?

Had to go back and read Sarah's post

I'm guessing she is private sector

Our employer has a monopoly I'm sure that's part of it

sorry
got to go
will chack back later....

Perhaps also OP, your HOD/SLT may have considered another applicant for your mat cover if they knew you were intending to stay off a year. Perhaps one more qualified to take up the A level teaching slack and one who may want a longer contract?

I know not your concern (you do have your hands full at the mo) but surely you can sympathise with how difficult finding teaching staff can be. A school doesn't usually have a HR dept as such, so often the burden of short term recruitment can fall to the HOD.

Ok, thank you to those who have responded for your advice so far, and for following this saga. There have been some more developments which I would appreciate any advice on. I did not respond to the last hysterical email from my boss. That night I got a text from her saying that she did not want to fall out with me and could we meet face to face next week to discuss things. The text was very pleasant and had lots of kisses I have agreed to this.

I am so mortified by the thought of things ending badly between us that I have a feeling I will just go along and acquiesce to everything that she says - I generally don't fall out with people or bear grudges and I really don't want to end on a bad note.

On the other hand, I do feel that I want to explain that the reason I told the secretary not her was that I do not feel, as someone said earlier, that there is an atmosphere in which we cant discuss these things openly and without judgement. This is because of the way things have been dealt with in the past and comments she makes all the time about children, pregnancy etc.

I don't want to be accused of drip feeding here, but just to give some examples:

She told a colleague she could not return to her position of responsibility after having children, and said she wanted to make it a dept policy that part time workers could not have extra responsibilities.

She has made things difficult for part time workers in the past, saying for example, that we would not have classes taught by more than one reacher in order to accommodate part time staff. This is inspire of the fact that there were lots of these "split" classes elsewhere in the tt.

She has described a colleague returning from mat leave as having "nappy brain"

She has described another colleague as " just a baby machine" and therefore not given considered her for extra responsibilities.

She has complained when colleagues have taken time off to look after their sick children that she does not get time off when her cat is ill.

She has told the childless women in the department that she read an article about how having children ruins marriages and that she wanted to show it to them.

She makes general, throwaway comments about "all these fucking babies" and how they cause her great inconvenience.

Inspire of all this (!) in many other respects she is a great boss and this is why I am in a dilemma about how to approach my meeting with her next week....

Any advice greatly appreciated!

What are your hopes from the meeting? What are your fears? Because truly, you need to balance up the risk of your fears happening over your hopes happening.

Do you really think you will be able to change her attitude? She's obviously had this attitude for a long time, and unless she really admires you/likes you or it comes from someone with seniority there isn't really all that much you can do.

If you want to say something, you could depersonalise it to say that 'some mothers returning to work have had a difficult time, so I tried to do it as neutrally as possible' without pointing the finger at her, but even that would probably set her off (judging by previous remarks).

If, however, you dont' care about setting her off, then feel free to tell her, but on your head be it!!!

Ok, thank you, something to think about.

The other thing is, we are going for lunch in an informal cafe near school. Is it acceptable or appropriate to take ds along? He is good and will hopefully just sleep or sit nicely in his pushchair but there is no guarantee. Or I could ask my mum to have him for an hour as it is her day off. Just hope he does not need feeding!