to be annoyed at my boss about this?

[Moulesfrites]

I am currently on maternity leave and my ds is 4 months old. I had originally planned on going back to work in September and when I was pregnant I mentioned this to my head of department (am a teacher) informally when discussing my plans.

However, since having ds, I have reconsidered and decided I wanted to take the whole year. I had discussed this with some of my friends from work informally, but hadn't really made a final decision until this past week when dh and I assessed our finances and decided to go ahead with this decision. So, this morning, I emailed the payroll secretary of work telling her my plans and asking what further action I needed to take (putting it in a letter etc).

A couple of hours later I get an email from my head of department, asking what my plans are to return as her boss (deputy head) is hassling her about the timetable. In the email she actually said "what do I care???" as she has a new job and so is leaving at the end of the summer term anyway. I reply that I have just spoken to the relevant person this morning and repeat to her what my plans are.

She then sends a very stroppily toned email, saying that yes, the secretary had already told her and the deputy head already knew, but it would have been nice to have heard it from me, and this meant that she would have had to change the timetable "AGAIN!!!"

I am shocked tbh about how unprofessional she has been. I have a 4 month old who I am totally consumed by. The fact that she has to change the timetable is of absolutely no consequence to me and I refuse to be made to feel guilty about it. I was actually under no obligation to tell them of when I planned to return yet anyway, I just did it out of courtesy. She is obviously pissed off that I have told the secretary before her, but as far as I am concerned I was just going through the correct channels. She has had a bit of a history of dealing badly with maternity issues, part time workers etc who she manages, and so I thought it would be best to just tell payroll as I suspected she would make it into a personal issue, which she has.

I am trying to compose a gracious but also strongly worded email back, but am not sure how well advised this would be. I wanted to mention something along the lines of hoping there are not too many troublesome childbearing women to manage in her new job, but at the same time, she has overall been a good boss to me and I dont want things to end sourly between us.

So, AIBU? Sorry for length!!

[CinnabarRed]

Yes I am.

[vmcd28]

I would go with the attitude that it's an excuse for a relaxing lunch without the baby. Put on your make-up and dress nicely, and enjoy it. Take the lead from her. If she wants to discuss what happened, then fine. But I'd take it as being to draw the line under it, and leave on good terms.
If she's leaving soon, don't waste your energy making her like you OR worrying if you fall out. Just bite your tongue, or be pleasant and neutral, but I wouldn't bother falling out. Your life is about more than that now. X

[Moulesfrites]

Journey, I had decided to put an end to it by not responding to her last email. She is the one who now wants to meet up. I was just asking for advice about this.

[Journey]

It's all getting a bit childish to me. It sounds like playground nonsense you'd get from kids - "she said this so I want to show her".

You've told them that you want to take the year off so leave it at that. What are you trying to gain by going on about it? She's leaving in the summer time so you won't need to deal with her when you return from work anyway.

I also don't understand why you think being "totally consumed by a 4 month old" is of any relevance.

[Moulesfrites]

Interesting cinnabar. Are you private sector?

[CinnabarRed]

Yes, in my firm they would come down on her like a tonne of bricks. And rightly so.

[CinnabarRed]

I think I would probably cancel. Given that she's leaving in any case, I can't see what's in it for you.

[Moulesfrites]

Ok I will ask my mum.

Do you think the things she has said and done would be discipline worthy in other workplaces? Or is this just the kind of thing I have to get used to as a working mother?

[flumposie]

I would go alone if possible. She sounds an absolute nightmare to be honest, but it is not the first time I have heard this kind of thing. When I returned from maternity leave I had to drop my role as head of department to return part time - my choice of course but it saddened me slightly.

[Moulesfrites]

Ok, thank you, something to think about.

The other thing is, we are going for lunch in an informal cafe near school. Is it acceptable or appropriate to take ds along? He is good and will hopefully just sleep or sit nicely in his pushchair but there is no guarantee. Or I could ask my mum to have him for an hour as it is her day off. Just hope he does not need feeding!

[ChitChattingagain]

What are your hopes from the meeting? What are your fears? Because truly, you need to balance up the risk of your fears happening over your hopes happening.

Do you really think you will be able to change her attitude? She's obviously had this attitude for a long time, and unless she really admires you/likes you or it comes from someone with seniority there isn't really all that much you can do.

If you want to say something, you could depersonalise it to say that 'some mothers returning to work have had a difficult time, so I tried to do it as neutrally as possible' without pointing the finger at her, but even that would probably set her off (judging by previous remarks).

If, however, you dont' care about setting her off, then feel free to tell her, but on your head be it!!!

[Moulesfrites]

Ok, thank you to those who have responded for your advice so far, and for following this saga. There have been some more developments which I would appreciate any advice on. I did not respond to the last hysterical email from my boss. That night I got a text from her saying that she did not want to fall out with me and could we meet face to face next week to discuss things. The text was very pleasant and had lots of kisses I have agreed to this.

I am so mortified by the thought of things ending badly between us that I have a feeling I will just go along and acquiesce to everything that she says - I generally don't fall out with people or bear grudges and I really don't want to end on a bad note.

On the other hand, I do feel that I want to explain that the reason I told the secretary not her was that I do not feel, as someone said earlier, that there is an atmosphere in which we cant discuss these things openly and without judgement. This is because of the way things have been dealt with in the past and comments she makes all the time about children, pregnancy etc.

I don't want to be accused of drip feeding here, but just to give some examples:

She told a colleague she could not return to her position of responsibility after having children, and said she wanted to make it a dept policy that part time workers could not have extra responsibilities.

She has made things difficult for part time workers in the past, saying for example, that we would not have classes taught by more than one reacher in order to accommodate part time staff. This is inspire of the fact that there were lots of these "split" classes elsewhere in the tt.

She has described a colleague returning from mat leave as having "nappy brain"

She has described another colleague as " just a baby machine" and therefore not given considered her for extra responsibilities.

She has complained when colleagues have taken time off to look after their sick children that she does not get time off when her cat is ill.

She has told the childless women in the department that she read an article about how having children ruins marriages and that she wanted to show it to them.

She makes general, throwaway comments about "all these fucking babies" and how they cause her great inconvenience.

Inspire of all this (!) in many other respects she is a great boss and this is why I am in a dilemma about how to approach my meeting with her next week....

Any advice greatly appreciated!

[thehat]

Perhaps also OP, your HOD/SLT may have considered another applicant for your mat cover if they knew you were intending to stay off a year. Perhaps one more qualified to take up the A level teaching slack and one who may want a longer contract?

I know not your concern (you do have your hands full at the mo) but surely you can sympathise with how difficult finding teaching staff can be. A school doesn't usually have a HR dept as such, so often the burden of short term recruitment can fall to the HOD.

[nameymcnamechanger]

sorry
got to go
will chack back later....

[nameymcnamechanger]

Had to go back and read Sarah's post


I'm guessing she is private sector

Our employer has a monopoly I'm sure that's part of it

[Moulesfrites]

But that is outrageous namey!

How can this happen yet other workplaces like Sarahbumbearer's are so protective of mat leave rights?

[nameymcnamechanger]

ummm

the public sector organisation I work for has relatively recently got rid of 3 senior staff who got pregnant
yet they tout their family friendly policies and procedures to all and sundry

[Moulesfrites]

Off sorry!

[Moulesfrites]

I accept that I should have communicated with her better and I have apologised three times for this now.

Something I don't really get is that she is going on in her email about how she has always been accommodating and supportive of maternity leave- but surely to not be accommodating would be against the law? Similarly, she has said all that matters to her was that I got the arrangement I wanted (ie a year of), but that is not really her arrangement to grant, is it? So she is making claims about how generous she has been, when in actual fact she has no choice in the matter?

Is interesting to hear the hr protocol in other workplaces.

[ajandjjmum]

Months in the normal world maybe, but not months in the world of school. A matter of weeks before school finishes for a couple of months, so not a lot of time to re-organise. Such a shame because a quick conversation could have overcome this bad feeling on both sides.

You do need to put it to one side thought now, and get on with enjoying being with your dc.

[Moulesfrites]

Yes, and I acknowledged that the email I composed was too stroppy and that I shouldn't send it, and I didn't, and followed the advice I received on here to send something businesslike. I often write down my grievances as a way of venting.

As has been pointed out, I have given months of notice.

[Skelacia]

Schools do seem particularly tricky from an organisational perspective. Partly because there are relatively few people with the specific skills to provide cover, and partly because timetables need to be confirmed so far in advance, and partly because there's very little flexibility.

I work as support staff in a school and when I went on ML they told me it was far harder to work out than covering a teacher. They said for a teacher they'd ring an agency, tell them what level they needed them to teach to and that it was maternity cover so up to 12 months. With my post I have specialist knowledge that isn't eaasy to come by without having been in a school and working through all the software training. Plus I had SEN training for exam stuff which nobody else did at the time. So covering me was apparently much more of a headache than covering one of the 6 teachers that were off at the same time as me! (Except I was probably cheaper to cover )

[nameymcnamechanger]

well vmcd the last para of the OP goes on about composing a strongly worded reply and the email post asks for opinions re sending it

you (the OP not vmcd) would be openly recognised as being very difficult where I work

basic people skills surely to keep communication open with your line manager re your intentions

were I your boss (and I've had my fair share of mat leave as have the colleagues I line manage) even I would be thinking 'drama queen' at some point even the OP will realise that her PFB is only 'consuming' to her (probably around the time her PSB comes along )

[CinnabarRed]

I work for a huge organisation but have a somewhat niche job. In the end, they've always found someone to cover my maternity leaves, but it hasn't been easy. Certainly, their working assumption has always been that I will be taking a full year and that it's a bonus when/if I come back early.

Schools do seem particularly tricky from an organisational perspective. Partly because there are relatively few people with the specific skills to provide cover, and partly because timetables need to be confirmed so far in advance, and partly because there's very little flexibility.

It sounds like your boss is being ridiculous and unprofessional. Shame she's decided to respond to what must be a challenge in such a poor manner.