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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

aibu re alcohol....

59 replies

Atwaroverscrabble · 06/06/2011 13:32

aibu to think that if you cant go more than 3 or 4 days without a pint or two and you drink 2-3 pints most days at least that you have a drink problem?

OP posts:
TheRhubarb · 06/06/2011 20:06

Well I go without Mon-Thurs and have a couple of cans on Friday, an afternoon pint on Sat and a bottle of wine in the evening and a few tinnies on Sunday.

Your dh sounds a bit like my sister's dh tbh. I think you need to introduce a no mid-week drinking rule. Add up how much he spends mid-week on drink and tell him that if he stops and puts that money to one side, you can treat yourselves to a lovely meal every couple of months or so. Or an exercise Wii game for his beer belly!

Sometimes you just have to be honest and say "I love you but I hate your beer belly and it needs to go - NOW!"
He's got into a habit. Can't he sign up for the gym or an evening class instead? My dh has joined a squash league in our local leisure centre, it costs a few pounds and he's got really into it.

CMOTdibbler · 06/06/2011 20:16

I think he's certainly in a bad drinking habit. Sounds like he's fairly psychologically dependant on it, and its causing problems in your relationship - and thats more the issue than the actual quantity of alcohol consumed. But he's got to want to change - you can't do that for him

RevoltingPeasant · 06/06/2011 20:23

He sounds like he is drinking too much BUT I don't think 'drinking alone' is a problem per se.

I used to really like going to pubs by myself to read a good novel or to do Latin exercises. I know, I know. But I can concentrate with just 1-2 pints and it was enjoyable. Don't think that is any 'worse' than having 1-2 pints with the lads after work.

But I do think drinking every day is an issue. I drink too much now - probably 1-2 small bottles of beer 4-5 nights a week - and know I need to cut down. More than that and I don't think you're letting your body recover sufficiently.

Original poster
Atwaroverscrabble · 06/06/2011 20:24

He keeps saying he'll go to the gym etc but never makes it there and when I mention anything apparently I am making him feel guilty/going on at him/stressing him out! Arghhhh

OP posts:
darleneoconnor · 06/06/2011 20:26

tbh, it's more the hiding alone in a pub for hours every day which is ringing alarm bells more than the actual alcohol consumed, iykwim.

Is he trying to escape something? Is work/home stressful? Does he have other 'time out'?

He is being v selfish but there is obv a lot more to this than just a drink problem.

TheRhubarb · 06/06/2011 20:27

He needs to make an effort. How would he like it if you started to develop a beer belly? Tell him that the beer belly goes or he does.

chicletteeth · 06/06/2011 20:28

Really Rhubarb, you think this is ok to say to somebody about their.

Husband to wife: I love you dear, but your choclate and biscuits thighs have got to go!

Do you think the latter statement is ok too?

FWIW, his pattern and style of drinking suggests its not sociable and as such, I wonder why he does it every day.

I'm not against a little drinkies every day, but not always by yourself, in the pub in the corner alone? What's that about.

chicletteeth · 06/06/2011 20:28

about their weight

Fernie3 · 06/06/2011 20:29

I think he sounds like he is relying on it too much, it seems odd to me to go to the pub everyday just from the amount of time it takes up and takes him away from his family, like he is hiding. I wouldnt be happy at all if my DH was doing this (if you have kids does this mean you are alone each evening with them because that would really piss me off)

emmanumber3 · 06/06/2011 20:44

From reading the OP I thought "nah, that's OK" but from your last post I've totally changed my mind. If he is drinking alone in a pub how do you know that he is only having 2-3 pints a day? If he's admitting to 2-3 it could be 4-5 (a Dr I used to worked for told me that he generally worked on the assumption that most people only admit to 50% of their alcohol consumption). As others have said, if you feel that it is too much then it probably is.

What does he say when you mention a possible alcohol problem?

TheRhubarb · 06/06/2011 20:46

Yes I do think it's ok. If I was stuffing my face with chocolates and biscuits in such a way that implied I was dependent on them and was developing thunder thighs then I would want my dh to give me the kick up the arse I may well need.

The op has tried the softly softly approach and it hasn't worked. If he realises that she finds his beer belly deeply unattractive and withholds sex until he starts to do something about it that just might be the wake up call he needs to get himself sorted out.

TheSecondComing · 06/06/2011 20:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

chicletteeth · 06/06/2011 20:51

You said that the weight goes or they do?

Your post suggests the beer belly is the problem, rather than the purported dependency!

Now you say witholding sex? You are a certainly a delight and I can only say it's a good thing most people don't think like you; that's awful.

TheRhubarb · 06/06/2011 20:59

chicle - he obv doesn't think he has a problem. The op has put up with this for a long time by the sounds of it and has tried other ways to help him but he's refused and fobbed her off.

Tackling the beer belly also tackles the dependency on booze you see, in order to rid the beer belly he'll have to cut down and do something productive. And yes, if I've given my dh lots of chances and support and he still chooses to drink and live in that way then I would consider drastic action. Telling them that it's either the beer or their marriage will show them how serious this is and that you mean business.

It's called a short, sharp shock. Not very nice but sometimes totally necessary.

chicletteeth · 06/06/2011 21:05

Has she said she wants to kick him out?
I guess unless you actually plan to do it, then it's best not being said.

Can't say this is an approach I would take.

He sounds like he has a problem and threatening to remove his family from him, seems a bit harsh.

He's not coming in vomiting everywhere and pissing the bed now is he?

That would warrant being kicked out.

Anyway, it's a moot point and you and i clearly have two different approaches to this.

TheRhubarb · 06/06/2011 21:08

Clearly.
It's a problem that has arisen before.
He drinks on his own and continues at home.
He has high blood pressure and a growing gut.

The op sounds very supportive but at times they need a wake up call. He needs an incentive to stop. May I ask what you suggest chicletteeth?

chicletteeth · 06/06/2011 21:14

I don't know.
More an incentive based approach rather than a punishment based approach.

The incentive would depend on the situation and on the person.

For example, if he manages to cut back on booze (and then by default start to lose his gut) he can do an day activity of his choice (a cool one like car-racing or something) or buy some new golf clubs etc....

A lot of this will be habit too I suspect.

I had a wine habit which I decided to give it up due to it being caloric and generally not good in excess (wasn't even drinking that much) but I did find the whole slump on the sofa for a glass of red, surprisingly ingrained into my evening ritual.

TheRhubarb · 06/06/2011 21:17

Hmmm, well as he is sitting in the pub after work and then lounging around on the sofa drinking more, I doubt he'll want to spend that money on exercise based activities. Sounds as though he's actively avoiding exercise!

Still, the op knows him best. We've told her that it's not normal so she can decide what to do.

DIVORCE!

Maryz · 06/06/2011 21:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Atwaroverscrabble · 06/06/2011 21:38

It has become a habit and he complains that he is tired all the time too but says it's work and not associating the beer with that Hmm

We do have kids, dsd who is 16 and probably moving in with us this year, my ds (11) and our dd(18 months), I 'work' full time + and am the default childcare and housework 'elf'.... It annoys me he has probably easily 20 hours + me time out of the house without kids a week whereas I have 0! Or if I am lucky 1-2 hours if he is in and not been drinking, we tend to only have 1-2 hours together occasionally as my work has to fit around limited paid childcare and dh being in to look after dd, that means I do alot if work when dd is in bed....

OP posts:
darleneoconnor · 06/06/2011 21:55

His behaviour is totally not on. How long have things been like this? Could he possibly be having an affair?

He sounds depressed and in need of therapy. Does he come home first then head out or just not come back at all?

tbh it sounds af if you and the DCs need well shot of him, at least until he drastically changes.

Original poster
Atwaroverscrabble · 06/06/2011 22:40

No chance re affair, that's one area I am sure of (even though we have not been having 'relations' for 2 months as he is tired...)

He's been like this probably 4 years... Huge habit! He tends to mainly stay out after an early shift (ends at 3) but occasionally comes back to see dd before she goes to bed and heads out half five-six and back between 8 and 10....

OP posts:
InTheNightKitchen · 06/06/2011 22:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FabbyChic · 06/06/2011 22:46

Does he get the shakes if he doesn't have a drink?

I remember the kids dad coming to collect them 104 miles from his home with his GF driving, getting to mine at 10am and saying I need my medicine and his hands shaking, he went and bought four cans of Stella! He drank every day for ten years, he gave up last year, now has permanent liver damage and diabetes caused by drinking.

Never drank spirits either. No beer belly.

Anybody who has to drink every day has a problem.

Gster · 06/06/2011 23:12

I think purely by if it's causing problems in other parts of life yes it's too much. There is of course the question of why people drink.

I like a pint as much as the next man, but 3 pints a night , everynight, would do me in.