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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Ex has just said he wants to introduce current GF to kids..

27 replies

mummycare · 04/06/2011 22:01

Ex never takes kids out, ex has mild special needs along with our son (he is on the ASD spectrum. He is lively and unpredictable with many many food allergies.. Over the years i have managed to train/show ex how to cope with son as best as he can because they also clash too and daughter to has different allergies.. ex is now really good within my home looking after them, but i buy all the food so he knows they are safe to give to the kids. Ex can not remember things and puts it down to i have not told him or anything that puts the blame back on me, ex is really poor at looking for dangers that you get used to as a parent of a sen child.. whenever we have all gone out within 2 hours ex has either got very aggresive himself because he cant get son to do what he wants or he just does not bother and then my son goes out of control and can be a danger to himself (running in the road, speradic behaviour) etc. You have to be on top of my son all the time, but ex cant do that so it all escalates.. Ex now wants to take son and daughter from the family home to his new girlfriends, i am very scarred that sons safety and food allergies will not be considered very high and that i will have to nurse the two when they are back home. Girl frind has never dealt with sen kids or multiple food allergies.. he has told me that he will just start taking them out even if i agree or not.. and that he has rights etc..

can anyone help.. my issue really is not the kids meeting his new girlfriend its sheer terror of the lack of care..

Am i being unreasonable? :o(

OP posts:

BumWiper · 04/06/2011 22:03

No not at all.The kids safety is paramount.

takethisonehereforastart · 04/06/2011 22:03

Can you invite her to your house?

lookingfoxy · 04/06/2011 22:05

Yanbu if you think ex cannot cope.
However, would it be an option to explain all this to the girlfriend? Perhaps she could make sure that they eat the right food, or you could send the correct food but tell her why?

squeakytoy · 04/06/2011 22:07

Invite the woman to come to your house, and see if she is capable of looking after the children.

You will probably feel a lot happier if you find out she is a sensible woman who you can trust.

Original poster

mummycare · 04/06/2011 22:19

The food allergies are so confusing i have to read every prouct i buy every week. It takes me a whole day to shop, i have to go to the 4 major stores as one shop just does not sell all or they dont have a certain product in stock etc.. i cant work full time because of this.. even child minders get it wrong and i give them a full list and chat to them about 4 times before kids start with them.. i only say this because we often have to change childminders as they cant cope long term with son.

I do not want the arguments of ex if we all met, one of his problems is because he his mild people do not know he has these needs and by me telling new GF things about safety and food for kids, would make him look as though he cant cope. Living with ex for 15 years it was very apparent that he could hold his needs mainly together within his friends but this all realeased behind closed doors.

yes i could buy all the food, but for example say they were making srambled eggs, i can only use egg, most people add butter and milk which he cant have or butter over chicken but its remembering you can not cook in the normal way.. its so complicated!! phew i am exhausted just typing this lol..

OP posts:

Original poster

mummycare · 04/06/2011 22:20

The thought of any GF of his coming anywhere near my house is just as frightening.. he really put me through hell you see..

OP posts:

BeckySimps123 · 04/06/2011 22:21

Of course not. The childrens safty come first at all times. To put your mind at ease why dont you have a cuppa with this new girlfriend?

Original poster

mummycare · 04/06/2011 22:28

Something i have missed out is GF has givenEX an ultimatum if he does not introduce her to her kids this or next week the relationship is over, apparently.. so you can imagine what i think of her point of view. I am not sure if she is wanting to see kids to see how bad things are..? or just to start full time contact.. She has apparaently told him how wonderfully calm he is, but remember they always meet without kids.. and are not living together with only 2 meets per week or something like that.. so not sure really what type of person she is like.. insecure i think..

OP posts:

GypsyMoth · 04/06/2011 22:51

just send the kids with per prepared food??

TattyDevine · 04/06/2011 22:54

I might be following badly but it seems to me the meeting the girlfriend thing and the ex's problems with interaction and food are actually 2 separate issues and not necesarily going to fuel each other.

If your ex is bad with the kids, he will be with or without the girlfriend.

If the girlfriend is good, she will counter this, if she is bad, she might add to it, I guess, which is I suppose what you are worried about?

2rebecca · 04/06/2011 22:55

How long has he been going out with her? My husband's ex referred to me as his "new girlfriend" even when we had been living together for over a year.
I am surprised that your ex has never had his children on his own, particularly if you were together for 15 years. Either he is very incompetent or you are controlling. Most husbands look after their children alone whilst their wife does something else at some point.
The shopping sounds odd. Surely after so many years you can just nip in and get the things you know are OK and buy enough so they last and only need 1 or 2 different shops each week and alternate them if it's packet stuff you are buying where you have to look at ingredients rather than just making your own food from meat veg and rice etc.
If I went out with a bloke for a while I would expect to meet his kids after a few months.

Original poster

mummycare · 05/06/2011 22:59

thanks for all your help.. i will look at all your replies and see what i can pull from them all, to see what i can do.. i hae been advised to speak to socl services for their help as another parent had similiar issues with an ex..

Ex is very incomitent, but remember he has the same special needs as my son, just cause he is an adult he does not grow out of it, they just learn over a very long period how to live with it or slightly change things around him that will help him.. friends would always tell me that he just cant cope with the family life back when we were together. My history has been recorded via family phyc as son was diagnosed very young and i had to go to many meetings to discuss our family life and family history etc.. we were on the verge of splitting then 3 1/2 years ago.. kids aare 6 & 7 now.

Food intollerences that my kids have are.. wheat, gluten, dairy, most fruits, high fibre foods, tap water, beef, strong foods like spicey or strong flavours like wotsit crisp. Each child has a different intollerence and different intollerence level too.

Its a tough one and i have spoken to many friends that know him or us or remember the tears i had etc.. so maybe i can now come up with a solution, not sure.. thanks :o)

OP posts:

Original poster

mummycare · 05/06/2011 23:04

Ex has always come to the house to look after the kids if i go out.. The food is all here and labelled.. so i do go out.. also son wont run in the road if they just play in the garden.. ex cant remember to not get them out on the road and also to hold my sons hand or that he must not be more than about 6 feet away, as he bolts away very fast and ends up in the road. This is my caution.

OP posts:

Birdsgottafly · 05/06/2011 23:19

You have to decide if you are willing to meet with the GF and discuss your DC's needs, then decide if she will take the lead.

If they are serious enough to be introducing your children to her then really your ex cannot justifiably keep his own 'problems' from her.

If you contact SS they will do an investigation on the basis of 'risk' which will mean that they communicate with the GF, including assessing her willingness to take over the care for the DC's whilst in their care, they will not be happy with her not knowing your ex's own condition and how it affects him.

HansieMom · 05/06/2011 23:59

How can he take the kids when he cannot care for them by himself? It has been supervised up til now. You provide the food, and you supervise when out to protect your DC. It must be like having three kids, but one is bigger and has opinions of his own. He likely thinks he is perfectly capable.

Birdsgottafly · 06/06/2011 00:10

The OP's ex has a disability, that is not his fault, the OP 'took' that on board and the complications that it could bring when she chose to have DC's with him.

She has to take charge of this situation.

controlpantsandgladrags · 06/06/2011 06:48

YANBU if you think he can't care for them safely. I think you should get some advice from a solicitor. He does have rights and they are his children.......theoretically you both have rights equal to each other.

seeker · 06/06/2011 07:11

Presumably you have a letter from the children's specialist listing the allergies? Could you give a copy of that to their father's girlfriend as guidance?

Reality · 06/06/2011 07:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

nickschick · 06/06/2011 07:34

I think there is more than the childrens safety in this.

You say your ds has mild sen? the situations you describe sound far more than mild.
The food allergies I understand my own ds has allergies too but even much younger than he is now (10) he understood what he could or couldnt eat so maybe your dd needs to be more in control of her allergies.

There is in your OP lots of references to how much you are 'needed' and I suspect you feel a little invalidated by the arrival of another person in yours and your dcs lives?

I do not dispute how much care and attention your dc need and how much you have to do just to give them a sense of normality but its not the end of the world,you really need to take a deep breath and stop focusing everything on their 'needs' the issues with the childminder are really quite inconsequential you have set yourself up to be 'super woman' and nobody can live up to that.

Your ex is your ex and you like he can move along,but in moving along you have to accept other people into their lives- I understand the gfs ultimatum has disurbed you but either she is in it for the long term and your dc are part of that package or the responsibility of your dc may break the relationship - surely you can give her a chance (if only to find out what you already know about him and thats why hes your ex).

Let your dc go,take a packed lunch and phone and speak calmly to the gf.

Just let go a little at a time.

Original poster

mummycare · 07/06/2011 00:02

Hansie Mom youu have it spot on. i dont have a problem with another person coming in, i have costantly had to change childminders.. how can my ex tell her and show her how what to do with the kids if he does not know himself.. i want him to take the kids but not yet.. they are too young and for 7 years he has not bothered much, but now because of the ultimatium it has pushed him to want them now, when he cant control ds when out or has any idea wht he can eat.. he aid he would eat out with them, do you know how many restaurants i have been to and asked if they do dairy free wheat free etc foods they say yes.. they i have asked to look at the packaging and it clearly states it has dairy and wheat.. he will just take there word for it.. so much more too.. but Hansie Mom to have it completely on what i am saying.. thanks you.. it has been completely like three children.. thank you for understanding what i am saying.. thank you..

OP posts:

Birdsgottafly · 07/06/2011 00:21

So are you willing to speak to the GF? Did you know about his condition when you had the DC's?

LolaRennt · 07/06/2011 01:47

i'd send them with packed lunches

seeker · 07/06/2011 05:10

mummycare - do please have a think about what other posters have said too......

Original poster

mummycare · 07/06/2011 17:18

thank you i will look at all the posts again and try and sort out what's best. I did not know of his condition when we were first together but nor did he. It wasnt until i had my son and he was referred to a pead at 9 months, and then i had to go to family phsyc's because henry was diagnosed so young and i had to talk about everything about my home life, history of my family, and ex's family. They went through everything about us. It was quite a worrying time for me as in finding out what was in my family and what i had put up with, it was normal behaviour for me, i had no idea they were going to give me all this news that my father was serverly on the ASD and so was my now ex along with my son. They said that i put up and manged to cope with my ex because i had lived with my dad that was so servere. I ended the relationship with my now ex for so many reasons but one of them was that i had repeated history and that i had to make a choice that if my little girl was not going to also grow up repeating what she knows and that she lived with, it had to stop. Yes i am currently trying very hard to find a nice kind partner.. lolololololol.. if there are any left.. lol..

Thank you i will be as open minded with my descision as i can be considering this difficult situation.. thank you

OP posts:

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