to not want to be friends any more with a woman whose been nothing but kind

[seakelp]

I feel wretched and guilty hence posting this late at night. It's been bothering me for weeks but it amounts really to the fact that I do not like a friend's son which has more to my own intolerance tbh than anything he's done. I realise I am at fault but that doesn't make me any less guilty. I also do not like the way this friend of mine spoils him, he's pretty badly behaved (12yrs old).

I also realise that over the years when we've been doing monthly lunches I've been tolerant of her but tbh I actually do not like her very much. I've been ill recently which has made me intolerant of stress and now I find I do not actually want to carry on with these lunches. My other friends in this circle are very kind too like her, I 'd like to carry on with the lunches but without her. I feel the wicked witch of the west.

I first thought "what a bitch", but upon hearing about your health troubles, I think you are right in trying to reduce elements in your life that causes you stress. And it seems like meeting the entire group once a month is one such stressing factor in your life.
I agree you could talk to ONE of them. You could explain how you feel, how exhausting it is for you to meet up with so many people at at the same time at the moment, and you will take a little break from the lunches for now. You could also say that you would really enjoy meeting up for just a coffee with just one or two of them at the time. Then invite the person you are talking to, to meet you for coffee? Could that work? You can start seeing them independently of the group, if that makes it better. Start with the person you have clicked with most. Hope your health improves.

I think your illness is causing stress and making you over-think situations that stress you out. I do the same. If I feel low, I obsess over events with my sil (long history of her being a cow) and I feel I never want to see her again. When I feel well I can tolerate her stupidity and laugh at her internally.

In your situation, I would explain that you don't feel well enough to make the group lunch. Then invite just one of your friends round for a coffee.

Some people are really bad company. It's just one of those things. You can either decide that you have the emotional space to have them in your life, or (in your case) you simply don't.

Don't try to dictate who is 'welcome' in a monthly lunch group that's been going on for 13 years. Though I understand and sympathise that you're struggling with your health that doesn't give you the right to project that onto others.

You wouldn't be unreasonable to bow out of the monthly lunches. Nor would you be unreasonable to meet with a couple of the group for coffee every so often, but you would be a total cold hearted bitch if you even spoke about your dislike of this woman to another in the group, because it will get back to her.

I don't go on my 'cliques' big night's out anymore since getting the measure of just how childish and manipulative one of the group is, the more I saw her, the more likely I'd have told her exactly what I think, she'd have become the victim, and I'd have lost a few good friends. I still meet with them all separately, but am careful never to exclude her overtly. I miss the group sometimes, we had some great night's out, but either way it wouldn't have continued because this woman was becoming intolerable.

Exactly what Quint said....

She irritates you. I think your current illness has heightened this and amplified it to you. When on form you probably realise some people do irriate us but that's life and it's a minor thing in comparison to the fun you have when all friends are together that once a month.

You know you cannot call for her to be excluded. Not after 13 years. And I don't think you could cope with the stress and emotion of actually instigating the exclusion. It would probably add to your illness.

I think you take a step back. Don't think about the monthly meetings. Have a private chat with someone in the group who you do get on with well. Tell them you are struggling with your illness and not feeling well enough to attend without a black cloud circling over your head. No need to mention names of people.

Then ask the friend or friends if they'd pop round or you pop to there's for a coffee and cake in-between times until you feel more able to face all the gang.

Don't stress yourself about overthinking this and mentally turning yourself into the biggest bitch you have ever met. Your coping mechanisms aren't working properly at the moment so let them mend.

I have a feeling if it wasn't this particular person you were spending time thinking 'grrrrrr' about, it would be someone else.

Focus on getting better not other people.

Seakelp if you feel like this then sever all contact.
Yes she may have been nice and kind but why pretend to like her. That's being false. But don't expect your other friends to feel the same they may like her, don't bitch about her to them either.

So let me get this straight, the woman has been kind and nice but you don't like her because of her son . Thats awful op, I could never do that. I have a lovely, kind wonderful friend, but her son 4 is a bit of a pain and hurts dd when we come to visit or when she comes round, it would never occur to me to dump her because of her ds.

What kind of friend are you, mabey she is having problems with her ds and needs a shoulder. That is really really mean op.

Why don't you withdraw from the lunches seeing its you that has the problem, the others might want her there and like her very much, just because you don't doesnet mean they have too follow you.

You are strange op but you don't have to like her, but don't leave her out. just grin and bear it, its only lunch.

Oh thank god I'm not alone. I do not enjoy this woman's company, she brags, she dominates the conversation, she has an irritating manner but the thing that bugs me the most is the way she parents her son

Well that would annoy me, just don't contact her, don't leave her out, like others have suggested invite others round on a separate basis.

I had a similar situation with a sports group I belonged to. I just had to walk away - luckily I saw my particular friends in that group in other situations.
The trouble is, your illness is exacerbating the situation, so I wouldn't make any decisions that you might regret later.
Just withdraw for a little while, keep in touch with some of the group and see how you feel when you're feeling better.