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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not want to be friends any more with a woman whose been nothing but kind

62 replies

seakelp · 04/06/2011 01:03

I feel wretched and guilty hence posting this late at night. It's been bothering me for weeks but it amounts really to the fact that I do not like a friend's son which has more to my own intolerance tbh than anything he's done. I realise I am at fault but that doesn't make me any less guilty. I also do not like the way this friend of mine spoils him, he's pretty badly behaved (12yrs old).

I also realise that over the years when we've been doing monthly lunches I've been tolerant of her but tbh I actually do not like her very much. I've been ill recently which has made me intolerant of stress and now I find I do not actually want to carry on with these lunches. My other friends in this circle are very kind too like her, I 'd like to carry on with the lunches but without her. I feel the wicked witch of the west.

OP posts:

BitOfFun · 04/06/2011 01:49

In your case, Whatever, surely you can say that you don't want to hear it?

scottishmummy · 04/06/2011 01:51

so what changed?what significant things you identify as you became you
complete bitch. I used to be nice - whats changed.if youre angry,envious etc why
you're acknowledging this isnt about her- all about you.
what are your frustrations?what about her represents what you dislike in yourself?

Original poster

seakelp · 04/06/2011 01:55

Oh thank god I'm not alone. I do not enjoy this woman's company, she brags, she dominates the conversation, she has an irritating manner but the thing that bugs me the most is the way she parents her son.

I've been kind and nice too for the 13 years I've known her but actually I do not want the facade to continue.

OP posts:

scottishmummy · 04/06/2011 01:58

so stop faking.make polite excuse lose the connections
you've invested 13ys in friendship you dont value why

Morloth · 04/06/2011 01:59

So don't continue it then.

This really isn't that hard. There a lots of people I don't like, not their problem. I just avoid them if possible and am polite if I have to see them.

You don't have to see her, so don't. No need to get all angsty about it.

Original poster

seakelp · 04/06/2011 02:07

It's hard because she is a part of a group of others who I do like and we only meet up once a month.

OP posts:

WhereYouLeftIt · 04/06/2011 02:07

OP, you said you've been ill recently. How ill?

Sometimes, being very ill can make you see your priorities more clearly and encourage you to discard the things that sap your energy but, in the round, are not actually important to you.

Or, being moderately ill can make you impatient and snappy at little niggles.

Which do you feel fits you best?

scottishmummy · 04/06/2011 02:10

no,you act individually.
you chose whether you can tolerate the circs in which you see her.in this case group.if that dont suit its you who need bow out,cannot expect a group to adhere to your preference
more curious is 12yr simmering resentment...why?

Morloth · 04/06/2011 02:11

So either suck it up and put up with her to continue with the group or walk away from all of them.

It isn't hard, you want it to be.

You don't have to be best mates, just polite.

Original poster

seakelp · 04/06/2011 02:14

I have been diagnosed as extremely hypothyroid,( depression, extreme fatigue, low stress level, irritability, mental fog), anaemic, and have just undergone an adrenal testing so just moderately ill but it's been bloody debilitating.

OP posts:

piprabbit · 04/06/2011 02:19

So she is kind, nice and has done absolutely nothing wrong.

But she brags, dominates conversation, has an irritating manner and parents her DS differently.

Is it just that you find her hard to handle in the social setting of the lunches? Do you socialise with her at other times/places/groups?

I'm not sure why parenting of a 12yo would be an issue if you don't actually socialise with the child? Surely all you don't get to feel the effects of his bad behaviour yourself? But that's not clear from your OP.

scottishmummy · 04/06/2011 02:20

dearie me,thats a lot on your plate.and not easy
allow yourself processing time and book additional gp appts to clarify if needed
however, dont get caught up in specific social milieu if dont have to

WhereYouLeftIt · 04/06/2011 02:27

So the thing that has changed in the relationship is your health, the symptoms of which sound as if they would make it harder for you to tolerate niggles that, if well, you would write off in a 'nobody's perfect' sort of way. You are being a little harsh on yourself; " I feel the wicked witch of the west.".

Perhaps you should, until your hypothyroidism is under control, knock these lunches on the head. Call one of the others from this group, and explain that your illness makes social events difficult and that you will be in touch when you feel up to it again. Do NOTHING regarding your current feelings about this woman. I expect you will be able to tolerate her again when your health improves.

If you don't mind me saying, you're being a bit hard on yourself over this. Nobody likes everyone in a circle of friends equally, we all rub along with some easier than others. You're fatigued/depressed, it is an effort not to show your irritation with someone who's behaviour annoys you, and you are not currently up to that effort. Hardly wicked witch level.

Original poster

seakelp · 04/06/2011 02:37

Thank you, I am in tears because I know I am being utterly unreasonable but I can't seem to help myself at the moment. I find coping itself exhausting. My endocrinologist doubles my dosage every time I see her and she is unhappy at my progress hence the adrenal test, have not had the results for that yet.

OP posts:

piprabbit · 04/06/2011 02:42

Perhaps you are focusing on the irritating woman a bit too much at the moment.
You are coping with so much right now, being ill, the worry of waiting for a firm diagnosis etc. etc. It is not unreasonable to take a little time out from social pressures.

Bow out of the lunches politely for a couple of months - and if you feel like seeing other friends, could you ask one or two of them round for coffee or an evening takeaway...just enough to enjoy yourself, not so much that you look like you are setting up a rival court.

I really hope you feel better soon - it is miserable being that ill...and feeling like you have lost a little of yourself along the way.

TheBride · 04/06/2011 02:51

Ah, the joys of group dynamics. I have some sympathy actually.

Maybe skip the next group lunch, citing illness, and then decide whether not seeing the others is worse than seeing the one you don't like, because it seems that that is probably your choice.

I think, despite this woman's social shortcomings, that it would be very cruel to try to stop the lunches, and then restart them without her.

WhereYouLeftIt · 04/06/2011 02:51

Just keep telling yourself that your unreasonableness is another symptom (because it really is) that you need to treat as best you can. Avoiding situations (i.e. the lunches) that cause it is the sensible thing to do. After all, you wouldn't go into a field of wildflowers when your hayfever is at its height, would you? Think of it in those sort of terms and you might just stop beating yourself up over it.

And if you do find yourself in a situation, think about using the 'advance apology' - "This condition is making me unbelievably irritable, so can I just apologise in advance right now; if I snap at you, please don't take it personally, I am just so wiped that everything annoys me and I'm finding fault where there is none."

Georgimama · 04/06/2011 06:41

How big is the group of friends? I mean surely you can tolerate an hour of this woman's company once a month as the pay off to see the rest of the group? Do you see any of the others at other times or is this your only opportunity to socialise with them?

lilolilmanchester · 04/06/2011 06:55

you can't help not liking someone, and if the lunches were just you and her, then fair enough, stop them. But if with a group, and you're the only person who doesn't like this woman, then sorry, you're the one who has to drop out of the lunches, not her....

mrsbiscuits · 04/06/2011 06:59

You are not being unreasonable to not want to socialise with this woman if you don't want to. I can't say I have had similar experiences because I tend to be an anti social bitch anyway but totally get the just being irritated by the way someone is and I don't think there is anything wrong with you for just not enjoying someones company. I think the idea that everyone can get on with everyone is totally false. I personally find that if I can't be myself around someone and/or they have a completely different life view to me, then no matter how "nice" they might seem it's just hard work so tend to have a small network of friends who I am close to and spend time with.

Yes I have acquaintances ( often parents of DS's friends) and work colleagues and I am always polite and friendly to them but don't go out of my way to socialise with them. Previous posters are right though , it would be wrong for you to influence others in your group of friends and exclude this woman from these pre-arranged lunch dates, but maybe you could meet up with these other people that you do get on with separately at other times. You certainly don't have to be ill or have a reason not to get on with people, it is what it is and pretending to like someone when you don't can drive you nuts ! good luck and don't be so hard on yourself.

ChitChattingagain · 04/06/2011 07:05

Group get together can be very draining, whether you like everyone or not. They also have the ability to bring out the worst in some people!!

Just bow out of the group, and meet with a couple of them one on one - explain to them that you are finding the large get togethers really draining and that your Dr is very concerned about you. You may well find that you have the ability to catch up with a few from the group rather more regularly when you don't have to find a date to suit everyone

And no, you're not a wicked witch for not liking someone. Who the hell can like everyone they know????!!!!

blouseenthusiast · 04/06/2011 07:09

seakelp, you poor thing. Cut yourself some slack and maybe just take a break from these lunches whilst your health problems get sorted.

CliniqueMum · 04/06/2011 07:41

If you meet this group only once a month do you seriously need to bother? Your health sounds far more important so surely you can just say you're not feeling up to the lunches at the moment but just keep in touch with a couple of the people that you would like to on the side. It sounds like you should have left the group years ago and I'm amazed it's run so long. There must be friends with more in common through work, school, clubs, etc that you've got - devote the energy to them instead.

Booandpops · 04/06/2011 07:54

SEa kelp. I'm in a similar position at the mo so I emphathise

I think u either need to step away if it's really that bad or carry on but ignore this women if you can.

I have a lady in my group who is really controlling clingy manipulative
Tho on the surface a pleasant enough person. It's got to the point where I don't enjoy to group due to this person so I'm stepping back
Only going to certain events where I know there will be lots of us

I know some of my group feel the same but everyone feels guilty as she has some issues at home ( a recent development)

I don't get why it's acceptBle to dump a man but if u have a toxic friend Yr accused of being a bitch.

exoticfruits · 04/06/2011 08:00

It sounds like the worst of the playground. If you don't want her as a friend fine, people change friendships all the time-BUT excluding her from a group is completely different-in school it would be called bullying.
Either carry on as you are, one woman once a month in a group of 12 isn't a hardship-or stop the group and meet the ones you like so that it is different.

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