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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I'm not talking to my 3 yr old

82 replies

HystericalMe · 03/06/2011 20:31

AIBU? I can't talk to my nearly 4 yr old. About half an hour ago he threw a toy out of the window. One my parents bought for me when, and where, I was born.

I literally feel so sad and angry if I talk to him I'll start shouting. So I feel like I can't be bothered to do his normal story.

I've left him in his bed.

OP posts:

youarekidding · 03/06/2011 22:32

Is it wrong I just read tortillas post and thought how can someone who is named after basically 'scrambled' eggs talk so much sense.

Well said tortilla - you got it spot on imo.

NigellaTufnel · 03/06/2011 22:35

OP, don't beat yourself up. Yes, you probably shouldn't have given him the toy, but shit happens, and you were angry.

Goodness there are a lot of judgey pants on here this evening.

Kisscuddle · 03/06/2011 22:44

Blimey. I lurk v often on here but v rarely post nowadays but was disgusted at what Polarbear has posted. I don't think many of us regard ourselves as the perfect parent and have something that we beat ourselves up about in terms of how we deal with our DC. I can see the OP was v emotionally attached to something from her own childhood. I can totally sympathise with that as due to my parents actions there are very few mementos left from
my own childhood. I am incredibly attached to them but for that reason I've taken the decision to keep them away from DS (just 3) until he is old enough for me to explain to him and for him to understand properly why they should be treated with respect. I know from experience when DS has broken things I've been upset but tried to explain why it is important to look after things and not treat them roughly and I have been driven to tears when he's inadvertently broken something that has meaning to me but you just need to take a deep breath and acknowledge you're the adult. If you are on the verge of losing it it is best to remove yourself, collect your thoughts and then go back and be in a position to think about it in a more rational way. I think the OP probably had the best intentions in wanting to share a bit of her childhood with her DC but at 3 he's just too young to understand what is precious and why.

OP I hope you've gone back to DS, given him a massive hug, had a little
chat about why we all have things that are special to us and been able to have a lovely snuggle together before he goes to sleep. You will both feel terrible if you go sleep without making it up. I also hope you find your toy and you get to store it somewhere safe until DS is older and able appreciate the significance of it.

tortilla · 03/06/2011 23:01

i think you'll find it's an omelette actually. makes all the difference

VforViennetta · 04/06/2011 00:58

I have skimmed the thread but I would say YABU for not talking to him, shout, have stern words, explain until you are blue in the face, even if they don't get it.

Never ever use the cold shoulder treatment on your children, it's fucking horrible, do not do it. I spent days in my Mothers bad books being 100% ignored, it's just soul destroying, I'd rather have been twatted round the head and it all forgotten about.

Just remember that ignoring your children is not a valid form of punishment. I understand not tackling the bad behaviour until you can be reasonable (I should adopt this method more often) but anything more is shit.

peeriebear · 04/06/2011 01:11

I sympathise OP, but give your DS a hug. Have you lost the toy? Has someone walked off with it? Sorry :(

DaisyLovesMetronidazole · 04/06/2011 04:11

YANB that U. Perhaps even YANBU. I would have given out to him rather than ignored, but depending on what would have been said you may have indeed chosen the safer option.

3 (and particularly nearly 4) is old enough to know not to throw things out the window.

In hindsight, yes it may have been better not to allow him have it. However, I don't think you really can be blamed for not expecting it to be thrown out the window!

As some others have said, even if you remove all sentimental value from the situation it's perfectly reasonable to be cross that your DS threw something out the window.

MollyMurphy · 04/06/2011 05:46

I can understand being upset. Taking a little break to gather yourself is reasonable but then go back and focus on dealing with the behaviour so everyone can process and move on. I wouldn't leave it more than 30min-hour though and definately don't let it lie all night. Your LO is quite young - when your parent refuses to speak to you it can feel very lonely and scary (my own mother frequently did this when upset). After your break, take the opportunity to model good problem solving and provide an age appropriate consequence.

mrsbiscuits · 04/06/2011 07:33

Hey look I get the precious teddy bear from childhood thing... I have one ( it is on the top shelf in my bedroom) and I would be mortified if I lost it but. But really have to agree with pp's that letting a 3 year old have something that means that much to you was really your fault and not his and to take it out on him is really unfair. My DS is nearly 6 and just about beginnning to understand the concept of "looking after" stuff but I still wouldn't let him have my bear.

Georgimama · 04/06/2011 08:29

I'm still not allowed to touch my mum's doll which she got when she was 7 and I'm 32. My mum actually loves that doll.

KristineKochanski · 04/06/2011 08:36

squeakytoy Fri 03-Jun-11 20:32:56

Why are you letting a 3yr old play with something that is so precious to you?. Of course you are being unreasonable, a child that age would not understand the sentimental value of anything.

What Squeakytoy said. I have a 3 year old and would be gutted if something got broken or whatever, but I wouldn't not talk to him!

janajos · 04/06/2011 08:48

When my DS1 was 2 1/2 he climbed onto a writing desk with a fold down leaf that my beloved grandmother had given me for my 21st birthday, the piece of furniture was completely ruined and fixing it at that stage in my life was beyond my means. I took a deep breath, realised that I was very near to tears and needed space. BUT, I left him with my EX DH who was in the house and went for a walk, came back and behaved as if nothing had happened! It wasn't his fault you see, it was just an accident. Go and give him a kiss, he really didn't mean to upset you.

altinkum · 04/06/2011 08:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

shudaville · 04/06/2011 09:22

Its difficult as it had sentimental value so I see why you would be upset. Also a 3yo should know that they do not throw things out of the window.

CrapolaDeVille · 04/06/2011 09:28

Christ, perhaps I am the devil incarnate but I do get angry with my dcs when I am at fault. I get angry get angry with myself for being angry at the dcs, and then get angrier......needless to say I am seeking help with this. But I always apologise and my chidlren seem pretty well adjusted. I wish I had the energy to hide myself away and calm down before unleashing sometimes.

Well done OP.

soverylucky · 04/06/2011 09:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

YummyHoney · 04/06/2011 09:46

I don't understand sentimental attachment to things, so that's probably why I sound unsympathetic.

I guess none of you have ever seen your homes float away in a natural disaster - that would put it in perspective. (not that I have either).

I do agree that ignoring a young child is worse than getting cross with him/her.

katvond · 04/06/2011 09:55

I can understand where your coming from OP. When my DD got into my jewellery box I was angry but angry at myself as I left it out. I wouldn't ignore her though that's just petty in my eyes. DD knows now some things are mommys and not to touch. She as her own jewelley box now :)

Original poster

HystericalMe · 04/06/2011 10:35

Erm, when he poured a glass of water over my laptop a year ago, I said not a word. Didn't blame him or even feel anything except - oh no that's got to go to the repair shop. But for some reason I felt devastated over that teddy. For about half an hour - especially as it disappeared immediately I felt sure it had been picked up and maybe even had the head ripped off it or something! But it was over after that, I read my DS a story rather late and we're fine, so thanks for the perspective.

OP posts:

thegruffalosma · 04/06/2011 11:34

Anyone on here who is saying that they have NEVER had to take 5 to avoid unnecessarily snapping at their child when stressed/upset is lying OP.

StayingDavidTennantsGirl · 04/06/2011 11:58

Agreed, thegruffalosma. I would say that the OP did the right thing in her circumstances - better to leave the child somewhere safe (I assume she'd either closed the window or it was a little top light that the toy could fit through, but the boy couldn't), and take a few minutes - and vent on here and get some perspective from other posters - before going back to deal calmly with the situation, rather than acting in haste and anger.

HystericalMe - I can totally understand your pain at the loss of a much-loved childhood toy. I had a teddybear that dad got for me when I was born, and it was very precious to me. It was living on a rocking chair in my bedroom, but I decided to have a bit of a clear-up and declutter, so put the bear in a black bag, with other toys, in the loft. A few months later, dh was having a clearout in the loft, and said he was taking some bags of rubbish to the tip. It wasn't 'til he got back that the penny dropped, and I checked with him to see if the bag of toys had gone to the tip - and they had.

I was devastated - in floods of tears - and dh had to drive me to the tip so we could try to retrieve the bag, but sadly that skip (or whatever it's called) had just been taken away to the county tip, so my bear was gone forever. I still feel a pang when I think about it, but I know that I was at least partly to blame - perhaps I should have packed the bear away in such a way that it was obvious it was still wanted, and I should have checked properly with dh what he was taking to the tip. It still hurts though, and you have my sympathy.

youarekidding · 04/06/2011 19:49

tortilla yes a lovely omlette - I lived in Spain for 6 years and use to eat them for breakfast or lunch or dinner - or all 3! Just didn't have the same irony as scrambled.

A1980 · 04/06/2011 19:51

He's 3, not 13.

He shouldn't have had the toy if it was so precious.

Has it even broken?

StayingDavidTennantsGirl · 04/06/2011 20:17

Apparently it wasn't broken, A1980 - it was a cuddly toy, but had vanished when the OP went outside.

HTH

begonyabampot · 04/06/2011 20:53

yes it's good that OP took some time and didn't shout off at her son but in her opening post it sounded like she was punishing him for what happened and withdrawing her love and goodnight kiss etc which I think is what others were responding to. If she carried on as normal with their bedtime routine then it really is a non event.

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