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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Controlling? Selfish at least, surely?

57 replies

Lorenz · 03/06/2011 19:48

Whenever me and DP go out for an Indian meal I always get Korma - simply because it's the only Indian dish I really like. I can tolerate the others but obviously if you have a favourite, you get your favourite! Anyway DP always insists that we should "try different dishes" but with this he insists we both share the korma and the dish he chooses. I just want a korma!! yet I'm always pressured into sharing half of it and eating half of something I don't much like just so he can "try" something different. One time he insisted on doing this and he hated the other dish so ended up eating most of my korma.

Another thing he does is tell me I don't want this and I don't want that. For instance "we can share a portion of onion bahjis, right?" err no, I want a portion for myself, get your own bloody starter! I always feel like I'm going out with my dad and feel like I can't get what I want.

We're due to go out for a meal tomorrow and already he's saying about what starters we'll be getting and how we can get a different curry to try aside from the korma.

AIBU to want some control in what I order??

OP posts:

myalias · 03/06/2011 20:11

When the waiter comes over you take control and order your meal. If you like korma go for a chicken passanda as a lovely alternative - it is a mild creamy chicken dish.

SunshineisSorry · 03/06/2011 20:13

tell him to feck off out on his own for his curry and then he can eat what he likes, you go out with the girls, you'll have more fun - fuck me, you're not gong out til tomorrow and you're already fretting about it as squeaky said, dont order a korma, order a pasanda or that fruity one that the name escapes me.

AgentZigzag · 03/06/2011 20:13

If there's anyone being greedy here lorenz, it isn't you.

And don't let him tell you otherwise.

It sounds like a meal fraught with anxiety to me, not the relaxed affair it should be.

HushedTones · 03/06/2011 20:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

kaid100 · 03/06/2011 20:19

You could tell him that if he wants to eat Korma as well as his dish, he can order two Kormas and the other dish so he doesn't have to eat yours. If he refuses, you can then also refuse to let him eat yours.

Longtalljosie · 03/06/2011 20:28

There's an episode of Gavin and Stacey all about this. Lots of people prefer to share curry - and he's not being unreasonable to want to - but the point he becomes a nob is where he implies you're being greedy. If I were you I'd imply right back that he doesn't understand fractions. Two half meals make a whole meal.

But I'm guessing the starter thing is subtley different, right? He wants to share the mains, but he's being controlling about sharing a starter, rather than getting two?

- go to 46 seconds in. Sorry Smithy's rude about Kormas though.

AllGoodNamesGone · 03/06/2011 20:33

I agree with everyone who says that you need to put your foot down and tell him.

I can sympathise with him though as I HATE having chinese/indian with my DH as he just wants to order one thing and eat it, whereas I was used to getting a few dishes and sharing them, so each person just having one thing doesn't feel like much fun to me.

As a result, we hardly ever get a takeaway and, if we go out, would tend to go to places where you just wouldn't share meals anyway. Perhaps you and your DH should look at going elsewhere so you don't both end up frustrated. A buffet sounds ideal.

5DollarShake · 03/06/2011 20:37

I was wondering how long it would be before 'Joey doesn't share food!!!!' got thrown in.

But um, yeah, just don't let him eat off your plate. Simples.

AllGoodNamesGone · 03/06/2011 20:42

ROFL at the Gavin and Stacey clip and feeling more sympathy towards DH wanting to keep his lemon chicken to himself!

nzshar · 03/06/2011 20:43

OFS grow a pair what does it matter what he fucking thinks. If it bothers you so much tell him and deal with it. I'm with the bloody grow a pair brigade. Sorry but a grown up wouldn't act like this (you and him)

cookcleanerchaufferetc · 03/06/2011 20:54

He's an arse

schroeder · 03/06/2011 20:57

contrarywise-last time dh and I went out for our tea we both were (internally) torn between 2 items on the menu, in the end we went for the same thing.

Afterwards I mentioned I'd been tempted by something else and as he had too we have vowed next time to confer properly and have half n half. [classy]

CoffeeDodger · 03/06/2011 20:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mitziw · 03/06/2011 20:58

why dont you let him order what he THINKS you both want then you pipe up with "and a chicken korma, onion bahjees..." to the waitor.

EricNorthmansMistress · 03/06/2011 21:01

He's controlling about other stuff and he tells you you are greedy for wanting your own meal. Charming

You have bigger problems than curry.

thumbwitch · 03/06/2011 21:01

Controlling AND selfish. And rude - tell him that you don't want to go out for a meal with such a boor.

My DH is the opposite and makes me uncomfortable by being overly thoughtful in restaurants - I have dietary restrictions to control my IBS and acid reflux, which prohibits certain foods - he loves these, so I tell him to order whatever he wants and I'll get what I need to. BUt he won't, he always wants to get something I can eat too (although I suspect this isn't entirely altruistic, it is so that he can share my dish too!). This does get on my wick a little because I'd rather he ordered exactly what he wanted and left me to get on with mine - but he's never accused me of being greedy or anything like that.

dandycandyjellybean · 03/06/2011 21:05

show him the clip then this thread! Sorted.

ohmyfucksy · 03/06/2011 21:05

Oh God mine used to do this, sometimes does a bit. REALLY annoying.

Insisted on ordering wine when I only wanted a vodka and tonic then complaining when I didn't help drink all the wine. Refusing to order certain sides. On occasion he would also accuse me of being greedy/difficult. So I just decided to intervene with the waitress and ask for myself. If he said anything about being greedy I said 'shut up fatso' (I am definitely thinner than him) which made him laugh. Or I would say 'don't question me'. He doesn't do it any more.

shineoncrazydiam0nd · 03/06/2011 21:07

Well, if he is controlling about other stuff - as you say - then this is not about curry is it?

wannabesybil · 03/06/2011 23:28

greedy = a word I can use to upset you and make you do what I want.

try mentally substituting 'purple' when he calls you greedy. It is nothing to do with how you are and all to do with how he wants you to feel.

Madreamer · 03/06/2011 23:49

I had this problem with my exH . Eventually realised I needed more than just my own curry. I've since ex-d him and am ecstatic with my decision. This looks like more than just a curry problem...

sausagesandmarmelade · 04/06/2011 08:12

Of course not.

Be assertive, decide what you want and tell him!

mankymummymoo · 04/06/2011 08:23

tell him you'd rather not eat out as you are forced to eat things you don't like.

it surely must get to the stage where you have "tried" all the other dishes.

if you are not able to confront him, maybe you could have a tick list and then once you've tried all the other dishes you can say, "nope. only like the Korma"

ZombieWhirl · 04/06/2011 08:25

from reading the OP it could be that your DH is a greedy whatsit who honestly doesn't realise he's spoiling your dinners out. And that if he did, he would change.

Or it could be that he's a controlling nob head who likes to control and belittle you.

Only you know the answer OP. You could try reading 'why does he do that' by Lundy Bancroft which is always recommended on the relationship threads.

Bathsheba · 04/06/2011 08:37

Grad the Korma and put it right beside your plate, right ove where he can't reach it..

And if he says he wants some, tell him that he clearly dislikes Korma hence his slagging you off for having it every time, so you aren't going to put him through the trial of having to eat it.

OR stop going for Indian - if yuou only eat Korma (and nothing wrong with that at all) but it clearly isn't your favourite cuisine...go somewhere where you have a wider choice of food....

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