To think DH shouldn't pay DD to do his ironing?

[Butterbur]

There is history here. DH has never done his ironing - or any women's work housework at all. Before we were married, he paid his mum to do it. after we were married he succeeded in coercing me into doing it (what was I thinking?). I have been on strike for a year now, and he has finally hit on paying DD (13) to do it for him.

AIBU to think he should do his own shitwork?

Not sure how you can complain considering you are your dh are your dd's role model and you've been doing all the housework for I assume a good 12 years at least. Your dd may already think this is how it works anyway.

My dd always supplemented her pocket money by ironing her brothers' shirts-at 50p a shirt in the late 80s she did very well out of the three of them.she didnt feel exploited-just smug-as did I because I stopped feeling guilty about not ironing for 3 strapping lads too lazy to do their own[and not safe to be let loose with an iron].

Are you uncomfortable that it is a female child doing the ironing, or because he is not doing it himself?

Both DCs have chores - ones that are their own responsibility (tidying their rooms, helping clear table etc) and others that are optional bribery for which they get paid.

If you just want him to do his ironing then offer your DD more to do something else for you instead

Given the history I'm not surprised that you are dubious.

Ooh jaspants devious, I like it!

I do have 2 older DSs, who could iron. He paid the older one to mow the lawn. I think they would both scoff at him if he asked them to iron, but sadly DD loves doing things for her dad.

DH has been crumpled for a year. So have the kids - but if they haven't got enough self respect to look after their appearance, that's up to them.

I have enabled him for, well 17 years really. He has always refused to talk about the inequalities in our relationship. He refused to share childcare so I could keep my hand in with work (we were both IT contractors, so doing alternate contracts was possible), and I found myself completely unable to leave my precious babies with someone who looked after them for a job. He also refused to move nearer my sister, who would've looked after them, as his commute would have been longer.

He stuffed every attempt of mine to retrain/ go back to work, and it's too long to post it all here.

He has been emotionally abusive, and domineering, and the more I have needed him, the more he's bullied.

I hate him, and I think I would leave if I had a job, and could pay my way. (I am looking at the moment). Although there is still a bit of me that wants to please him, and get a smile from him, it's an increasingly small bit.

So I guess it's not really about the ironing, is it?

If he is getting her to do his ironing in return for money, maybe you should teach her how to negotiate.

Nothing wrong with ironing for pay, as long as you are paid well.

Would he still pay for the ironing if the price doubled?

Ohh, butterbear. . My mum left my dad after being emotionally abused for nearly 25 years. She was nearly 60 and had no self confidence.
Fastforward 15 years adn she's done fantastically well on her own.
HAd several jobs till she retired and travelled all sort of places around the world on her own (before she never had the confidence to drive somewhere new in the car).

Was all ready to write that I don't think it's a problem as long as she gets paid a decent amount. (And in any case she'll get sick of it in a few months and he'll be stuck again).

And then I saw your last post. It's clearly not about the ironing.

:(

that's a lot worse than I expected.
Definitely get a job - it will make you feel fulfilled as a person, too.

If he was expecting your DD to do it for free I'd be outraged. But if he wants to pay her to do it then that seems a fair exchange.

I can see why it might get up your nose though

Oh crikey. Just saw your last post.

It's not really about the ironing, is it

for you butterbur.

Get that job and get away

Did you not think that info important enough to include in the OP Butterbur?

I don't usually see it as dripfeeding as OPs usually explain points as they get asked questions along the way, but that's a huge dripfeed and totally changes what you're asking.

I said to him once recently, that he should've married a homebody sort of a wife. There are lots of women who would be happy in my role. He said "Where would be the fun in that?" It made me realise that he gets off on me hating it.

I was his boss when I met him. I bet he's particularly enjoyed the fact that he'sput me in my place.

Having children made me feel so vulnerable. I was totally unable to cope with the idea of life alone. I've let him get away with this shit because of it.

I always said people should stay together for the children, and I thought I could stay with him until they left home. But I'm not sure I can face another 8 years of this.

Yes, AgentZigzag. I didn't mean to drip feed. It wasn't my intention to post abou my dysfunctional relationship, just the ironing. Then it suddenly spilled out. Under my usual name too.

I suppose then, I should add in about the time 13 years ago when I found condoms in his suitcase (he was working away). He told me he'd put them there so the kids didn't find the. then a few months ago I threw it at himin an argument, and he said they were just in case he got drunk and did something stupid.

So now I know that he wasn't even faithful, and the whole of the last 13 years have been alie. Who was he shagging on his other business trips? What about when he says he's out with friends? When did it start? We had only been married about 4 years, back then. Was it an OW, or prostitutes? he wouldn't talk to me about it. He just said it was opening old wounds.

well my father used to pay me to iron shirts or I would do it for nothing if I wanted something - and I now very rarely iron shirts for DH, so I wouldn't worry too much about the conditioning.

sorry OP, didn't read later posts

I think it's good for her to learn about earning money. Sure, it's annoying that he's not doing it himself but I guess he's too old to learn!

addendum: I'm not seriously suggesting that men shouldn't iron or that you can't learn things at whatever his age is.

I don't have any advice apart from maybe start a fresh thread about the 'real' issues in relationships, aibu is not the place now you've said what the real problem is. Sending hugs your way and hope you figure out what you want and then go for it. Your dh sounds like a complete knob.

Oh Butterbur .

You don't have to live like this if it is making you so sad. There are lots of threads written by women who have left abusive men and gone on to live much much happier lives.

I'm going to bump a thread that someone posted recently for you.

Should be in active convos now