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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

friends fundraising for their teenagers' gap years

89 replies

madoldbiddy · 03/06/2011 08:50

Received party invitation from neighbour and friend on behalf of her teenage son with details of his gap year plans - teaching for a month plus several months of travel. Invitation accompanied by reply slip making it clear a donation would be expected whether or not one went to the party. The amont was left open. The project seemed of dubious value to me even though it cost £3000. I felt that it would have been better to have put a definite price on the party tickets but I suppose they felt they could get a better return this way. Being hard-up I resent being asked to contribute to someone else's holidays and am tempted to just put it in the bin without answering. Has anyone else come across this?

OP posts:

Ephiny · 03/06/2011 10:17

That's outrageous, I'd put it straight in the bin. If you're old enough to go on a gap year, surely you're old enough to do your own fundraising/earning/saving, not to mention organising your own parties! Really odd to have your mum still sending out party invitations on your behalf at that age...

I tend to be doubtful about the value of these 'volunteering' gap years as well, it's not necessarily massively useful to the communities concerned to have a succession of unqualified teenagers dropping in for a few months to tick a box on their cv, surely better if the money went towards training and employing a proper, permanent teacher.

sausagesandmarmelade · 03/06/2011 10:21

Unbelievable....

The teens should be funding their own gap year...with some help from the parents maybe.

Why can't they earn the funds?

poopnscoop · 03/06/2011 10:29

I am shocked that anyone would expect their friends to fund their child's gap (holiday) year

Jenstar21 · 03/06/2011 11:12

Gobsmacked here too! This is just ridiculous. Surely part of the point of a gap year is to fund it yourself? I did mine after Uni (ended up being nearer 2 years!) and worked 3 jobs for 6 months before I went. It was grim, but I saved up, and felt really grown up by funding it myself. Whilst I was away I did do some volunteering, but not through an organised scheme, and also did some paid work where I could pick it up. This asking friends for cash doesn't teach any sort of resilience or independence, and often makes for incredibly entitled teens appearing at Uni.

GrendelsMum · 03/06/2011 11:17

I agree that some of these volunteering schemes are VERY dubious. I did one at 18 - it was great for me as I ended up working in that field, and through good luck I knew enough of the subject not to be utterly totally hopeless, but really, I can't see that the majority of the volunteers can have been of any value at all.

bubblecoral · 03/06/2011 11:22

I would send an RSVP back saying you can't attend, but good luck with it. As *newmum said.

If they say anything to you, you can act all shocked that you would be expected to give something even if you weren't attending. Someone needs to send the message that they are being extremely rude.

Saying that though, I don't entirely blame them. Many people would do what they have to do to give their child a wonderful experience like that, especially if their peers are going. There is a chance that he is working and funding some of the trip, but that won't raise the full amount of money. I wouldn't do it, but I would also hate to see my ds miss out on something like that.

Laquitar · 03/06/2011 11:24

Bloody hell! Is this common? I've never had an invitation like this. It is so silly that its actually funny. Fundraising on behalf of your dcs for their gap year? Wtf?
Yes, bin it.

basingstoke · 03/06/2011 11:24

I'm not keen on these, nor am I massively keen on the "sponsor me to go onthe holiday of a lifetime to raise money for charity by walking the Inca trail/Great Wall of China" things.

Running marathons - that I am happy to sponsor!!

nijinsky · 03/06/2011 11:26

I think this is imposing far too much on friends and not to do so would be a much better lesson for the child. I can't believe the parents are organising fundraising for their child's gap year! And basically it is a holiday they are asking you to pay for - its only one month of "work" and then several of travelling. I'm actually quite aghast, I think its horribly bad mannered and crass.

So many people now seem to have the atittude that their friends are there to screw money and "donations" and freebies out of, probably because they are raised by parents like this!

LaWeasel · 03/06/2011 11:35

Cheeky sods!

But to clarify, this a big party they're hosting to raise funds for their DCs gap year? And if so, why haven't they just spent the party money on the gap year?!

I suppose if it came with a letter saying that the kid had organised it all themselves, was cooking all the food, had organised entertainment, I'd be more sympathetic. And that could be quite fun.

redexpat · 03/06/2011 11:37

Frankly I think you are ALL being unreasonable on the subject of gap years. You lump every single organisation together as if they are identical. Yes it costs £3000, but if you are away for 3 months that's a thousand a month, 250 a week, which may I point out is what a lot of holiday companies charge for a package sun and sand holiday. Which has no value in the greater scheme of life.

Vast majority of money goes on flights - because surprisingly the further you fly the more expensive they become - insurance - because the E111 doesn't work outside of Europe, and living expenses that are given back to the volunteer or their host family.

Yes the volunteer should pay for it themselves, but obviously they are trying to hurry the process along, so why shouldn't they have some fundraising events? Especially since crappy jobs are hard to come by these days. If you don't want to contribute fine, dont. But do you know where the rest of the money that you donate goes?

As for the effect on the volunteer, see hockeyforjockeys comment.

squeezemebakingpowder · 03/06/2011 11:59

I don't know much about the gap year itself, however I do know that my niece just came back from hers, and in order for her to go she worked 3 jobs, one in a care home, cleaning, another in a hotel, cleaning and another waiting on at her parents restaurant. She literally worked all day every day! She never asked anyone for a penny and should be very proud of herself for working so hard to fund it!
I'm not sure what the parents think they are teaching their kids when they throw them a party and get people to pay for their child's holiday!

shirleyshortcut · 03/06/2011 12:03

i'd just laugh and say good luck with that then, then bin the invitation

jasper · 03/06/2011 12:07

Yes I was asked to donate to a friend's son' s gap year about 2 years ago.
His dad is a partner in a law firm!!

Can you guess my reply?

gapants · 03/06/2011 12:07

My neighbours son went to Africa to work with a HIV/AIDs charity and he fund- raised a lot of it. He worked in Asda part time, he washed cars, did garden work, at the May festival he had a felafel stand, he walked dogs, he babysat.

Everyone knew he was working his ass off for the GAP year, which was 9m in Africa with a charity working and living with very needy people. Then 3 months in Thailand on a jolly- that part was the ASDA money. He was really upfront about what he was doing and how much money he needed. He has a leaflet and info for people to read about how much he needed and why. If he went over the limit he gave the cash to the charity he was going to work for.

The difference was he did some sort of work for the money, not asking for a hand out.

emmanana · 03/06/2011 12:09

I worked in the Co-Op and Berni Inns (Showing my age) to save for a round the world air ticket and basic spending money. I did many jobs on the way round the world, including working in a funeral parlour in Sydney, selling ice creams in Cairns, and working in an orphanage in Thailand for just a place to sleep and a thai supper every night for a month. It was my choice to travel, and therefore I funded it.

Indith · 03/06/2011 12:12

red, I think the point those of us talking about teh big, expensive organisations are trying to make is that it shouldn't cost that much. If you are honestly looking for volunteers then you just charge basic costs. It is very well known that the host families who these organisations place people with only get a fraction of what you are charged for accommodation. Also, most of the time flights are not included in this fee which makes it all the more ridiculous. A good organisation, and they do exist, only has minimal charges to cover paperwork, helps you with visa and flight booking and such. There are some great places you can volunteer at, working with street kids and orphans etc in exchange for food and board in the orphanage for example. I do agrfee that gap years can do fantastic things for teenagers in terms of independence and opening their eyes to the world, I'm just fed up of holidays being sold as volunteering experiences. If you want to see sea turtles in costa rica then join a long term project or jsut pay to go diving, don't pretend that you'll be doing them any favours by shelling out £5k plus flights for a month "volunteering".

LaWeasel · 03/06/2011 12:14

There's nothing wrong with fundraising for a gap year - if the child is actually doing some fundraising! Asking people for money and not offering anything in return (which the kid isn't - their parents are throwing a party, not the same at al) is not fundraising.

If they had sent a letter round offering to mow lawns for donations I think the response on this thread would be very different.

oohlaalaa · 03/06/2011 12:18

Yes, I have. When I was a young un, a decade ago, a friend organised a party to help pay for her travelling to Zambia, I think she was doing charity work though - working at a school.

I still slightly begrudged contributing, as I think you pay for your own gap year, or do it later on. My cousin and his girlfriend took a six month sabbatical at 27.

HellChild · 03/06/2011 12:22

I would have much more respect for the teenager(and therefore more likely to cough up) if he actually organised this himself.

My mum had a similar request for money once, but it was from her God daughter, so fair play.

NestaFiesta · 03/06/2011 12:35

Cheeky bastards! I'd be tempted to say something along the lines of "My husband will be happy to hand over a fiver if you clean his car"

Our money is for us and our kids, not for other people's luxuries. How rude!

atosilis · 03/06/2011 13:01

My daughter had to raise 2000 for a trip to godknowswhere to help build a school. She couldn't work as she was in boarding school and there was no way I was going to ask my friends to sub her so she didn't go. She still hasn't completely forgiven me.... Her two best friends went. One friend had parents who paid the whole thing and the other friend's dad put a tin in the office "Funds to build a school in godknowswhere".

Oh, suddenly remembered it was Nepal

sue52 · 03/06/2011 13:11

This does annoy me, particularly as most teenagers do this for their own benefit, to add to their CV and they don't care much at all about the school/hospital in godknowswhere. They should work or get their families to stump up and not bother their friends and neighbors. For the record I would be quite willing to donate to the godknowswhere charity, just not for a middle class (they almost always are) teenager to be flown out to "help".

rooks14 · 03/06/2011 13:44

I'm at uni myself, people keep sending me links to their online donation pages! It's starting to really annoy me. I'm 20 and pregnant, I'm not paying for you to go and teach english in sri lanka. Work like most normal people!!!!!!!!!!!!! Worse than that pages like justgiving.com and stuff charge a fee, so it's not even all going to it! grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

ScrotalPantomime · 03/06/2011 13:50

It's just another status symbol for some people - a big gesture showing how wonderfully selfless they are by having a holiday taking part in a big project. Also how much money actually just goes to the airlines etc?

If they actually want to make a difference they could make more impact by volunteering at home - soup kitchen, anyone?

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