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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be cross that DH is now changing his mind?

38 replies

b1uebells · 03/06/2011 08:21

Oir finances have been a problem for a few years now, so we tried to curb our spending etc. a a few months ago, DH sat me down and tol me that financially we were in a mess. He also had some credit cards I didn't know about and has build up a lot of debt on these.
He told me that we had no option but to downsize, which would pay off all his debts and reduce the mortgage. I was very upset by all of it as we chose this home to bring up the dcs and I love it, really don't want to move. Asked dh if there were any other options. He told me that moving was only viable option.

The House is now on the market, we've found one that would be a viable living option etc. We have quite a few viewings coming up and dh is now back tracking.
He is saying we can stay here for another 3 years and he has no intention of moving, as he can't bare the thought of leaving the house etc.

I don't know what to do, I've seen all the figures and we simply cannot afford to stay Here , but if dh is going to be difficult, we can't move as if we don't both sign all the paper work etc it won't go through without him.

It's taken me ages to come roun to the idea and now we're actually doing it he's changing his story. AIBU to be cross he's going back on all he said?
Sorry for long post.

OP posts:
LynetteScavo · 03/06/2011 08:23

YANBU to be very cross about everything.

justpaddling · 03/06/2011 08:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Shakirasma · 03/06/2011 08:29

I cant help wondering what would happen if the situation were reversed.

How would he have reacted if you had sat him down and announced you had run up a load of debt In secret and told him the house had to be sold!

You have been upset and angry but have tou been firm, like he would have been? You need to decide what is right for you and the kids and insist upon it. Do not let him mess you about. If he won't do the right thing by his family then you have got a lot of thinking to do!

allhailtheaubergine · 03/06/2011 08:29

Tbh you don't really need to know if you're being unreasonable or not. Obviously you are NOT, and your husband is being a dickhead.

Do you need support or advice?

QuackQuackSqueak · 03/06/2011 08:36

That's awful. How did you react when he told you about the secret debt? I suppose the problem is that if you downsize and pay off the debts is he going to build up more secret credit cards again?

clam · 03/06/2011 08:39

Are you equals in the team that is your marriage? Does your opinion not equal his? It's just that some of your phrases imply that he's the boss, telling you what he's decided will happen.

AlpinePony · 03/06/2011 08:44

You say you sat down a few years ago , looked at the numbers and decided to calm down with the spending, so you must've known on some level that out was more than in over the last few years. So for that YABU.

BUT, YANBU for being pissed off with him changing his mind every 5 minutes. Unexpected or unwanted (in your case) change is very hard to deal with, but it sounds as though you had come to terms with it - and now he's back-tracking. :(

Original poster
b1uebells · 03/06/2011 08:45

No debt advice Peabody, it's a lot of debt and at the mo he is paying the minimum on all cards which is barely reducing it at all.

I was very upset Quack, then very cross. Still am.

We are equals in most ways but money wise he's always managed the money. Admittedly very badly and I do think that was a mistake.

OP posts:
AccioPinotGrigio · 03/06/2011 08:47

YADNBU. I agree with the other poster who said your DH's change of mind is probably inspired by the guilt he feels for putting you through this. If you are 100% sure that downsizing is the only way to restructure your debt then you have to do it and your dh needs to get his head together and stay focussed.

So sorry you are going through this, I can remember our family life changing as a result of the recession in the early 80's. My dad lost his job, we had to move house and change schools. It was a big upheaval but we came through it and so will you. Good luck.

ScrotalPantomime · 03/06/2011 08:49

YANBU. He's the one who's got you into this mess, so he doesn't have the right to complain now IMO.

What was he spending on? How on earth did he get away with having secret credit cards? I can't imagine how you didn't notice, so he must have been really deceitful and sneaky Angry

Butterbur · 03/06/2011 09:01

What has he been spending the money on? Didn't you notice? How are you going to know he has stopped? He seems very untrustworthy with money. Perhaps you need to take on the financial management for the family.

Obviously paying back the minimum on the credit card debt is not a long term solution. The debt will still be racking up - and at phenomenal interest rates too.

Can either of you earn any extra money? Can you reschedule the credit card debt by extending the mortgage, or taking out a bank loan? Can you reduce your household budget? Or not buy any large items like furniture, or holidays?

Original poster
b1uebells · 03/06/2011 09:01

In terms of spending, he says most of it went on our 'lifestyle' as we spend so much apparently.
He says a lot of it went on supermarket bills etc ( don't get me started on that one). There is no way we have ever spend £500 a week on food. He says different. Talking about it all is awful, makes
Me realise what a mess we are in.

I'm sure I am a fool and to blame for not asking about money. I do internet banking for my own account and he manages the rest. Thats always how it's been and I've never questioned it.

OP posts:
Butterbur · 03/06/2011 09:08

You need to go through his credit card bills and find out where the money has gone over the last year, say. As you say, it would be hard to spend £500 a week on food.

I don't think you can resolve this situation without more information.

clam · 03/06/2011 09:11

£500 a week in the supermarket?????
Good God. Are there any receipts around for a typical week?

darleneoconnor · 03/06/2011 09:15

You need to both go and see a professsional debt adviser, try cab or similar.

Original poster
b1uebells · 03/06/2011 09:17

I spend about £120 a week which I do have receipts for, he has shown me some recipts where he has spend £60 a time of an evening if he's pop in etc.

I know I am probably burying my head a bit in terms of finding out where every last penny has gone but part of me would rather just move on and forget it.

OP posts:
Morloth · 03/06/2011 09:19

You really do need to get some help with this. It might just be possible to hold onto the house if you can consolidate all the debts into one with a lower interest rate, cut spending to the bone and perhaps pick up some extra work?

You really really need to speak with a professional even if you decide you have to go through with the move, to stop this from ever happening again.

YANBU to be crazy mad at him! I don't even know where I would start, but you need to get some help, all hope might not be lost.

Morloth · 03/06/2011 09:20

You can't move on and forget it because it will happen again and next time you will not have the big asset of the house to bail you out with.

ScrotalPantomime · 03/06/2011 09:22

Hmm I understand why you'd want to move on but I think you need to know what he's spent it on. It's essential if you want to prevent it happening again.

Having grown up with my parents' irresponsibility (the reason I am now very careful myself) - PLEASE sort it out fully now.

I'm hopefully barking up the wrong tree here, but you may also need to bear in mind that money disappearing/being spent secretly is sometimes a sign of an affair. :(

TotallyLovely · 03/06/2011 09:23

I think it is very easy to overspend. Little bit here, little bit there etc. Mounts up like you wouldn't believe! Especially if you go out a lot/have hobbies.

RantyMcRantpants · 03/06/2011 09:23

Defiantly second the debt advisor. Get in touch with National debtline, the Consumer Credit Counseling Service ( CCCS), Payplan or the CAB.

Look through those credit card bills and see what it was spent on. Is it possible your DH has a gambling addiction?

justpaddling · 03/06/2011 09:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TotallyLovely · 03/06/2011 10:01

peabody speaks sense. I asked the bank to put my mortgage on interest only as we are in debt and they refused. They would however extend it over more years temporarily (for a year) so we are paying 150 less a month.

WhoAteMySnickers · 03/06/2011 10:10

YWBU to not find out where all of this 'secret debt' money has been spent. I'd want to know, down to the last penny, what it was spent on. This will clearly indicate where you need to cut back.

I don't get the whole "he always managed the money, I've never questioned it".

You need to seek some proper advice from CAB or similar, who can sit down with all of your paperwork, bank statements, bills, etc and help you sort this sorry mess out. Your DH's head is very firmly up his arse on this one, so it looks like you're going to have to be the one to lead on it.

And like a PP, secret debt/credit cards would be a huge breach of trust for me. Are you sure he isn't a gambling/drug addict or having an affair?

plupervert · 03/06/2011 10:29

Does the £500 money on food include work day lunches? My DH spends a lot on those. We can (currently) afford it, though, and we are aware of it as pretty much the Number One Thing to cut if (or when!) we need to retrench.

As for your situation, he has pissed up your family finances more than once. Don't let him do it again by refusing to move. Sorry about this: it probably seems harsh for you to be the one to force things, when the situation may not actually be your fault (apart from letting him manage money, but that's something many couples parcel out between themselves - it's based on the trust one's supposed to have in one's partner!). However, harsh or not, it's now up to you to sort this out, or you will all be in trouble, children included.