To be cross that DH is now changing his mind?

[b1uebells]

Oir finances have been a problem for a few years now, so we tried to curb our spending etc. a a few months ago, DH sat me down and tol me that financially we were in a mess. He also had some credit cards I didn't know about and has build up a lot of debt on these.
He told me that we had no option but to downsize, which would pay off all his debts and reduce the mortgage. I was very upset by all of it as we chose this home to bring up the dcs and I love it, really don't want to move. Asked dh if there were any other options. He told me that moving was only viable option.

The House is now on the market, we've found one that would be a viable living option etc. We have quite a few viewings coming up and dh is now back tracking.
He is saying we can stay here for another 3 years and he has no intention of moving, as he can't bare the thought of leaving the house etc.

I don't know what to do, I've seen all the figures and we simply cannot afford to stay Here , but if dh is going to be difficult, we can't move as if we don't both sign all the paper work etc it won't go through without him.

It's taken me ages to come roun to the idea and now we're actually doing it he's changing his story. AIBU to be cross he's going back on all he said?
Sorry for long post.

I was thinking about this and the cost to move is huge. It cost me 15/16 grand last time, so advice on whether this is the best move is probably a good idea.

Listen to Peabody - she speaks sense. You surely can't just sell up, move and then hope it doesn't happen again? You need a full understanding of where the money went (so that it doesn't go there again!), a proper debt plan (with the help of CAB, National Debtline or CCCS and a Very Serious Talk about what happens with money in the future.

OP - have you actually seen the figures? Because it occurred to me that perhaps the reason he's changes his mind is because you're not going to realise the price upon selling which perhaps you thought you might - maybe he's going to try and keep his head above water and hope that the "market improves". You do need to talk to someone and you do need to start participating in the financial direction your family is taking.

definitely agree with peabody and Morloth (and others saying the same thing).

Selling the house isn't necessarily the best/only option. You need to get details of all the debts and their interest rates and see if there is a possibility of consolidating debts into a lower interest loan over several years, going interest only or extending the term of your mortgage. Don't let him control the finances further by decided for you that the house needs selling or doesn't need selling, it's not up to him. You need to sit down and go through the finances together, and he needs to relinquish his hold on them and he obviously can't be trusted.

I don't feel it will do much good going over the past in too much detail. What is spent, is spent.

However, what you both need to do is have a proper plan for your finances going forward.

When we moved in together, DH and I set up a joint bank account and had a joint credit card. We were both working so put in an equal amount each month. All the household expenses - mortgage, utilities, food, holidays, nights out etc etc - came out of that money. The rest of our wages were for us to do as we liked with. Although we did both have a strong saving ethic and every six months or so used a proportion of our savings to pay off a bit of the mortage. It meant when DC2 arrived we were pretty much mortgage free.

Now I am a SAHM I get a monthly allowance for my personal use. Then we still use joint account/credit card for household/child expenses. He puts an amount in each month. It means that we know exactly what we are spending and where we could cut back if necessary.

At this stage it is not just about the money, but also trust. You need visability on your finances and honesty about what is being spent and on what. Good luck.

forums.moneysavingexpert.com/

The Debt Free wannabe board will help with sorting out debts in a logical fashion and setting a realistic budget.

The Old Style board will help with reducing your food bill (Depending on your family, £50 per week is doable - as £500 per week is over £2000 per month!)

The Housing Board will help you assess the appropriate costs in downsizing, and the mortgage board will help with sorting out whether you can get a better mortgage deal so that you don't need to move.

However I would stick to the Mumsnet Relationships board as I suspect when he said you had to downsize you were supposed to be the bad guy who said that no, we can't possibly downsize and therefore be responsible for all the financial worries and stress and he is now panicking because you are not being the bad guy and he doesn't want to change his ways. You also need to look at how committed you both are to getting rid of the debt, because if you don't work together then you will never do it.

I also think you have to do the hard thing now and learn about interest rates and money and cash back and 0% options, because it looks like he hasn't. It is hard to poke into stuff, but worthwhile. I think you need to have access to all the bills, 'so I can't make things worse'.

Also, I would first of all do a deal where you take ownership of the grocery spend, meal planning etc (he can cook as long as it is on the plan sort of thing) so that the thing that he is blaming you for is at least under your control. If you look in your cupboards/freezer/fridge you may not need to buy groceries for a month, you would be surprised.

Hope this helps and good luck!

Thank you for all the advice :)

I am absolutely aghast that you are only complaining about him changing his mind!

I can't imagine a relationship like this where he is free to spend £500 of the family money and not account for it, and where you have no clue what is going on!

I just can't believe that people live like this.

Good luck OP but you've got to make some immense changes!

you must find out what the money was spent on

£500 pw sounds to me like a gambling or drug/alcohol habit

sorry

Just to add to what others have said about debt counsellors, please use one of the services recommended by CAB or one the money saving expert website, not something advertised on a dodgy cable channel. Otherwise, you will pay through the nose for their "help".

I do think you need to insist on complete openness from your DH though, I think there is something more than big bills at Sainsburys going on here - a £60 "top up shop"? Unless you eat nothing but caviar washed down with champagne, I can't see it.

I have debt which is on credit cards. At the moment we move it around so that it is always on 0% interest rate cards so what ever you pay goes on paying it off not interest. That would be a good starting point. The thing is though not to build up any more.

So sorry. Some men just spend money and go into denial. I had a partner like that once so here's my memories.

He could spend £500 easily a week on stuff and because he spent it in Tescos (eg) he could justify it to himself as "household". What he spent it on was:

Cigarettes
Alcohol
Magazines at a fiver or tenner a pop
CDs for the car
DVDs
Masses of cashback
Petrol for running around after 'women who are just friends'
More cashback
Deli food for taking into the office to impress his work colleagues
Food and booze for one of his friends who had a gambling problem and who was skint
Stupid presents like barbecue furniture for people he knew and wanted to like him
Luxury food for home that he felt he 'deserved' but which we didn't need.

These days you'd have to add about another £500 a week for scratch cards.

Sorry, but it looks bad that your DH has this level of spending going on.

I wouldn't be happy with any major decisions like selling the house without a very clear understanding of how he racked up so much secret debt in the first place. I wouldn't trust him not to do it again especially as he was being secretive before and is being a bit vague and evasive? now.
It matters very much how he got into this debt as you really need to be certain that he won't just go and do it again. Is he drinking or gambling?