... to wonder if SIL thinks I am 'low class'

[LittleRedRobin]

DH's mother and sisters are class snobs, something DH freely admits. I am not British so the whole class thing has never really been on my radar and I had no idea how 'class snobbery' could manifest itself until I met them. In their case, and most relevant to this post, one of the ways it reveals itself is in what they consider 'the right shops to shop in': e.g. Waitrose for groceries, M&S if there is no Waitrose around, but never Sainsbury's or Tesco. As for ASDA, oh my word, cat bum faces all around.

I have always taken care to be extremely tactful in conversations - I don't mock or tease them - but nor do I volunteer information about where I shop, or have heated arguments defending my local supermarket etc. I just keep out of it and my thoughts to myself.

I had a landmark birthday recently - my 40th. My gift from SIL was Tesco vouchers. DH was stunned when I opened the envelope and actually took it out my hand because he thought I was winding him up. His conclusion is that 'Maybe she was in rush and was just being sloppy and lazy and grabbed something off the till while paying'. I asked him if he thought she'd do that if it was a gift for her sister or mother and he admitted there is no way she would. We both know his other sister and his mother would be deeply insulted if she gave them Tesco vouchers.

DH told me later that SIL had mentioned the gift she'd sent me to him in a phone conversation they later had (she raised the subject - I have warned him to not say a word at all about it even though he's dying to mention it to his mother). Apparently she said "I thought RedRobin could buy herself something nice to eat or something....". I'm not sure what to make of this comment either.

I genuinely don't care about the gift itself: in fact, most people forget my birthday and that doesn't even bother me. But I have to confess I have started to wonder if she thinks of me as being 'low class', or someone who lacks proper taste and is unable to appreciate 'quality' therefore not worth wasting effort on. It is this thought that has bothered me, and I think it's the implicit value judgement about me that has annoyed my DH too.

AIBU to wonder if she thinks this of me?

Supermarket vouchers = crap birthday present under almost any circumstances. But from a well off family member, for a 40th birthday, and a person who thinks said supermarket is awful...well, it's just an insult. I don't see how anything positive could be said about the present. Nothing wrong with vouchers per se but surely she could have given you one for a clothes shop, bookstore or Amazon or something so it's a treat.

How much was the voucher for btw?

Tesco vouchers for a 40th!! I shop in Tescos...well Lidl now..but anyway I'd be very pissed off if I got Tesco vouchers for my 40th from anyone let alone SIL. I'd send it back for her birthday present actually I'd use it to by a voucher of less value and then use that.

They are being twats and making a fool of you..who on earth would seriously get supermarret vouchers for a 40th present...

They weren't Tesco clubcard vouchers were they?
Something nice from M&S that you could exchange if you didn't like would have been much more appropriate!
At least your DH is 100% on your side.

I think its horrible. I live in Tescos, well we don't have Waitrose but seriously Tescos for a 40th birthday present. I don't particularly get on with my sister in law, she was 40 a couple of years ago and I got her a nice present that I knew she would like, it wasn't dear either.

I can totally get the line of thinking you're describing in your later posts, and I think it's a subtle shift in things that you've articulated really well. And it's a shame that you have to feel like that, especially following on from your birthday, when you'd hope to be made to feel good about yourself.

All you can do is ever so slightly maintain a little bit of distance between yourself and your SIL for a while - not in a way that she'd notice at all, just in terms of your own thinking, iyswim. Just to protect yourself from any further odd/clumsily judgemental "gestures" she may make.

It may, over time, become apparent whether anything was meant by it (I'm sure that if it was and you don't show any reaction, something else will happen eventually that reveals her agenda); or whether she has in fact perhaps "come down in the world" and started shopping at Tesco and therefore meant it in good faith (ok, long shot, but you never know, right?).

Your DH sounds great though.

Maybe she shops at Tescos herself after all? At least you know what to get her for Xmas this year!

That is very low class behaviour. What a horrible person she sounds. Remember that revenge is a dish is best served cold. Wait until her birthday (a special one would be even better) and buy her some waitrose vouchers. Its still a f supermarket. See if SHE likes it. Cow!

i don't see why you would be considered low class because of where you shop?!? i think this is quite silly!
I agree with the other posters - it seems like she sent them as a sort of an insult.
my main shops are in m&s and lidl and sometimes tesco and iceland what does that make me !?!

Very strange behavior. Your SIL is totally lacking in class. You, by contrast have kept your dignity are full of class :)

I'm not so sure whether it is nasty. I think it depends on where you shop and the bigger picture of what they think of you.

I hate, hate, hate Asda for example... Loathe the place, probably for very similar (snobby reasons). But if I were to buy my friend shopping vouchers, then I'd buy her ASDA vouchers if that's where she shops. What's the point in buying her OCADO vouchers, when she doesn't shop at OCADO? It would be a waste of time. I'd buy her vouchers for somewhere she likes to shop, regardless of how I feel about the shop. Its their present, not mine! I would hate to have them back in return mind, if I never shopped there.

And I have to say that I have bought TESCO vouchers as a present for someone before - my nan, who is elderly and doesn't get to go to town any more. TESCO offers everything - she can buy some luxury items if she wants it, a nice bottle of wine or just food if she's hard up (my nan often is) and for her, TESCO vouchers are appreciated, because she can get what she wants. A voucher for town would be wasted because she never gets to go into town (elderly now).

It depends on the bigger picture, and whether you think they like you, and are giving you something they think you would use, or whether you think they are doing it out of spite. Impossible to say on here!

YANBU she's sounds like my ex sil. I'm a brummie so still have my accent she would rip the piss out of me then encourage ex DH to do the same, but I would say to her, yes I've an accent, I'm not posh but out of the two of us who did better? I'm no bragger but let her work it out.
I hate people like that who think they are better. We all have qualities.
Luckily my DH as a lovely family, so down to earth, it's a pleasure to be a part of it :)

I would rather give no present than give a present like that. It sounds like her issues run deeper than 'class snobbery' IMO.

Well I'd just buy her some Tesco vouchers right back for the next birthday.

However - make SURE that somehow it is mentioned that DH was the one who chose them/went to buy them.

They'll be in a total flap. If they pout, they're having a go at him, effectively, and by extension, 'their' supposedly-posh side of the family. If they say anything, the obvious response is - 'But you bought LRR Tesco vouchers, so we assumed you shopped there. We don't go there very much, but when we went to spend the vouchers YOU gave us we saw how much there was on offer, so thought you'd like it - as you said to LRR, it's a great place to get some nice food, for example...'

Oh and needless to say, please feel free to start looking down your nose at them. Very, very crass, making-a-desperate-point, insecure, social-climby behaviour. Not The Done Thing At All

*"Their behaviour is low class.

People should be judged on how they conduct themselves not where they can afford to shop."*

Excellent mothersucker

Shove this to her, OP!

news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/uk/552012.stm

The Queen has reportedly spent almost £9,000 buying Christmas puddings from Tesco as festive gifts for her staff, having managed to negotiate a £2,000 discount.

The bulk order came after the UK-made puddings beat off competition from Harrods and Fortnum & Mason in a Buckingham Palace taste test, according to the Daily Telegraph.

^Andrew Farquharson, assistant to the Master of the Royal Household, chose the £7.75 pudding as the best, and took a portion to the monarch herself for final approval*

RR
At least you got a present for your 40th. I go nothing.

I think I get lots of people looking down their noses at me because I have a distinct northern accent. I've certainly had a lot of people judge me on my accent and assume I am of a lower class. It is a pretty stupid thing in this day and age. It's funny though because it's those very people that I also think lack class. For example, your SIL lacks class with her behavior. She's spiteful and condescending. I wouldn't give her the time of day obviously.

A few years ago a "friend" of mine totally ignored me at a party for a stupid reason which was actually her own fault. But being the snob that she is, she decided to ignore me than apologize. I was so furious that my judgement was impaired and on the way home I crashed my car with my 3 year old in the back. At that time I had just had fertility treatment a few weeks before and was pregnant. I was really distressed that I may have lost the baby due to my anger from her behavior. I didn't luckily. A friend then told me that lives to short to hang out with toxic people. Since then I've used that a lot as a mantra. You may want to try it. Your SIL is toxic. I would be polished and friendly to her, but not give her the time of day.

It is massively passive aggressive isn't it?

My sil uses gift giving as some kind of warfare to, so I no longer have anything to do with her.

Smile and nod if you have to but avoid where possible.

Why has this been resurrected?

New member digging through old threads - inc. one from 2006.

I wondered that too ribstheir.
Most odd.

Class and class snobbery is not something that's just British

Some of the biggest snobs I know hail from India, though in their cases 'money equals class'.