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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to feel like this before baby is born?

45 replies

Newmummytobe79 · 31/05/2011 16:35

Hi all,

can I ask when you first let your baby 'out' for the day with family/inlaws etc? I'm planning to bf and am really looking forward to meeting our baby and for me and DH to spend some quality time together as a new little family.

I also plan to get both sides of our families very involved (at their wish) and will visit as much as I can and hope they'll come and visit us too. My only concern is that family members seem to dismiss my talk of visiting them and are very keen to take baby out without us ... and I'm getting a bit miffed about this before I've given birth and met our DS or DD!

I know I will have to allow this (and will probably be very grateful of the break when baby is here!) but I'm worried about how soon they'll expect to take baby ...

Any timing guides?

Thanks

OP posts:

FoxyRevenger · 31/05/2011 16:38

Whenever you are ready. And not before

There's no rush. None at all. No baby needs to be away from it's mum. My daughter is about to turn one and goes out with my parents for maybe 5-6 hours now when I am working. That's all I am comfortable with just now.

GeekCool · 31/05/2011 16:38

There is no definitive guide, it's when you feel comfortable with it. You may welcome a few hours break within a few weeks, you may hate the idea with a passion.
Don't be pushed into anything, I think it's just general family excitement about proudly pushing their new family member about.

EricNorthmansMistress · 31/05/2011 16:38

Completely up to you. Whether the baby is BF or not, it's up to you when you feel comfortable being apart from him/her. It sure feels weird during the first few weeks if the baby isn't right there with you! Like you have forgotten your arm...

BF can make it harder to be apart from them too, esp in the first few weeks.

millie30 · 31/05/2011 16:40

I think it's down to when you feel comfortable, and when is practical with bf. I don't get this obsession with relatives wanting 'alone' time with babies tbh. Just stand firm and don't be bullied into anything, you can always use the bf as a reason and they can't really argue with that. With my own DS he didn't leave my side until he was 6 months old and then my mum took him for a few hours to give me a break because I had a chest infection. But it has never been a regular thing, usually when we meet up with my family they want to see me aswell, not just DS!

DuelingFanjo · 31/05/2011 16:41

mine is 5 months, breastfed and has never been out with anyone alone or without me. I can't see me letting anyone have him until at least 8 monthd - he's going into a creche at nine months and then it'll be just my mum.

you don't 'have to allow' anything you are not comfortable with and I think you should just say now, when hey bring it up, 'it'll be months before anyone will be having him/her for visits without me of course, probably not until he's fully weaned'.

anonacfr · 31/05/2011 16:42

You won't have to allow anything.

Why do they want to take baby out without you? Can't you have family outings that include them and you/OH/baby? It's rather odd IMO.

pjmama · 31/05/2011 16:43

Don't let them pressurise you into it. You'll know when you're ready.

LordOfTheFlies · 31/05/2011 16:47

You probably feel like"Whoah, stop, I am still here you know!
They are probably overexcited at the new arrival, especially if its your first.
One of my collegues at work said in her culture the GM looked after the baby and only brought it to mum to feed.Mum rested.She quite relished the idea.My arms used to hurt when I wasn't holding PFB DS.

missnevermind · 31/05/2011 16:48

Mine have all been about 3 years old before they have been 'out' without me!

Original poster

Newmummytobe79 · 31/05/2011 16:49

Thanks ladies - I do feel a bit pressurised ... and a bit like an incubator sometimes! Venues have even been mentioned ... so I may just say 'Oh I love it there - that sounds great!' if/when it next comes up :)

OP posts:

babybythesea · 31/05/2011 16:54

No-one got my dd to themselves until she was about 4 months old, apart from one hour when she was 4 days old and I had to go to the GP for some antibiotics for a chest infection. My parents were staying and they watched her for that time as I didn't want to take her with me - thought it would be quicker if I went alone.

She was exclusively breast-fed and refused (with all the contempt that a person only a few months old can muster) to bottle feed. So there was no chance of anyone having her to themselves without me there! Provided me with an easy get out. I really didn't need or want a break from her at that age. I really enjoyed being a Mum to a new infant and didn't want to miss any of it.

I had most issues with MIL. My own parents lived a short flight away so didn't see my dd that often, but my MIL lives in NZ - she came across for a month when dd was 3 months old. She was desperate to get dd on her own. I could understand - she wasn't going to see her again for ages - but I did get a bit annoyed with her constantly saying things like 'If you gave her a bottle I could look after her one day and you two could have some time alone together.' In the end my DH said we were happy with breast feeding, and with his support I managed to convince her that we weren't going to be doing the bottle thing. However, we came to a compromise - every morning, I would take my dd into bed and feed her, and then trot her across the landing where MIL would play with her until the next feed - that seemed to help.

I left her for the first time properly when I had to go back to work - she was 4.5 months. My folks came over for that. After that, I left her with friends who had kids the same age. We swapped children as we both worked pt and could use each other as child care.

For the moment, just smile and ignore - don't commit to anything and if people make comments just give them a big grin and say things like 'Goodness it's early to be thinking about that. Let's just get him or her here safely, shall we, and then see?'

beesimo · 31/05/2011 16:56

Nobody should expect you to leave the baby with them, I was never more than a 100yds away from my bairns until they were at least eight weeks. Then I might of left them with close blood family in their own enviroment for a short while max 2 hours between then and a year old.

After that they could go to other peoples houses without me during the day but I never parted from them overnight unless I was ill. You don't seperate the mare from the foal do ya? Why not cos its cruel and they both pine.

This modern unreasonable treatment of Mam is why there is family fall outs and upset bairns. Stick up for yerself.

mrsravelstein · 31/05/2011 16:56

ds1 i left for a whole day for the first time when he was about 8 months old, same for ds2. dd is 16 months old and has never spent more than about an hour away from me!

cricketballs · 31/05/2011 16:59

are you sure that it is not just 'future' talk? I mean in terms of "I can't wait to take x to the zoo, park" etc rather than a definate plan

I used to 'steal' my nieces before I had my DC so I didn't look so daft going to see a kids film, look sad at the zoo etc!

JetLi · 31/05/2011 17:00

Never. DD1 is 22 months, DD2 is 15 weeks.

"I know I will have to allow this"

Pah! I wouldn't allow it at all. Don't be pressured into it & start as you mean to go on - Your baby, YOUR rules.

To quote many MN-ers, "No" is a complete sentence.

beesimo · 31/05/2011 17:05

Correction 10 yards not a 100 yards!

hugeleyoutnumbered · 31/05/2011 17:12

OP when you are ready is soon enough, at 4 and 6 my ds have just started visiting with their dad, it means I get out of going, ds3 who is still bf stays with me (I know I am about to be flammed, don't care works for us, FIL hit ds1 when he was two, soI do have valid reasons, they don't visit alone)

diddl · 31/05/2011 17:16

Mine are now teenagers & have never been out with GPs without us.

We always lived away and parents visited us as well, so it never really came up.

alitesneeze · 31/05/2011 17:30

My mil was like this when I had dd. At a week old and I was bf she would say 'why dont you go home and I will phone you if she cries?' She lived a 30 min drive away! Tbh all her pushing made me back off even more.

It is a big enough adjustment getting to know your new wee baby without someone making you feel pressured. I wish I had just had the guts to be completely honest and say that I just wasnt ready, but would love her to be involved (on my terms). So I guess that would be my advice, just be honest. They have the lo's whole childhood ahead and there will come a time when you will relish some time to yourself!

They are just excited and cant wait for this baby to come so they can love him/her to bits so it is a good place to start I suppose!

youngwomanwholivesinashoe · 31/05/2011 17:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CocoPopsAddict · 31/05/2011 17:49

The thing is, leaving an EBF baby with anyone just doesn't work.

So they won't be able to take the baby out because he/she will starve. Sorted.

Seriously, just say no. They can't force you to do anything.

northernrock · 31/05/2011 17:54

Ooh, some quite extreme views on here!
Or I am just feeling guilty because I left my son for the first time when he was 8 weeks, with my mum. So I could go to a party and get trolleyed. (What? I expressed some milk for him first!)
I needed the break, and the hangover was well worth it.

OP, I agree, not before you're ready, but as you yourself say, you may relish a little time off when the baby is actually here!

diddl · 31/05/2011 17:59

Oh yes, thinking-my mum looked after pfb for a couple of hours at night so we could go out.

But never out & about in the day.

magicmelons · 31/05/2011 18:03

I never understand why people are so determined to take the baby away from the mother. My MIL has done this with both of our babies dc2 i didn't mind so much but then she didn't come back for 2 hours he was about a week old and my boobs were leaking constantly, shan't be so obliging with dc3.

My DM was obsessed with taking them for a walk on their own in a sling which i hated, it felt like she was trying to pinch them. I think it was just her way of having a relationship with them.

I left pfb with my brother at 6 weeks to go for a drink around the corner with dh, this was fine, i felt more in control.

wellamI1981 · 31/05/2011 18:04

My baby is 7 weeks and Mil has an obsession about this 'alone' time. I think it's a proud grandmother thing, cherry picking her own 'butterfly and rainbow' memories about being a new mum, for example pushing the baby in the pram. Frankly if I did allow it I think shed be in for a HUGE shock and go into meltdown if DC kicked off. DCs are humans not prized puppies. My feeling is that you will make your feelings very clear once your baby arrives - you might feel fine about it but a newborn needs his/her mother present 24/7 in my opinion - particularly if BFing.

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