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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to feel like this before baby is born?

45 replies

Newmummytobe79 · 31/05/2011 16:35

Hi all,

can I ask when you first let your baby 'out' for the day with family/inlaws etc? I'm planning to bf and am really looking forward to meeting our baby and for me and DH to spend some quality time together as a new little family.

I also plan to get both sides of our families very involved (at their wish) and will visit as much as I can and hope they'll come and visit us too. My only concern is that family members seem to dismiss my talk of visiting them and are very keen to take baby out without us ... and I'm getting a bit miffed about this before I've given birth and met our DS or DD!

I know I will have to allow this (and will probably be very grateful of the break when baby is here!) but I'm worried about how soon they'll expect to take baby ...

Any timing guides?

Thanks

OP posts:

catwhiskers10 · 31/05/2011 18:07

My ILs were the same (MIL especially) DD was 3 months before I let her go alone and I hated it. It's hard when you are BF too as you have to express milk and I had great difficulty doing so. (I got all the 'just give her formula' too)
Looking back I think MIL liked the novelty of taking a baby out in a pram as DD is now a toddler and she's not nearly so insistent on getting her on her own (to be fair, she has been ill recently)
Let your baby out when you feel ready.
I do think it's good for children to spend time with their GPs but I don't understand the obsession with GPs wanting to be alone with new babies.

diddl · 31/05/2011 18:13

It is a hard thing-the not wanting to let go.

Was all I could do to let the GMs have a go at pushing the pram

MinesaGandT · 31/05/2011 18:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

beesimo · 31/05/2011 18:22

This is going to sound bonkers and I am not saying anybodys Mam or MIL is so wicked but if you watch a old pet ewe she will try a pinch the younger ewes lamb. A queen cat without a litter will steal another cats kittens if given the chance, it is something deep within all female creatures the desire to nurture a young one.

Except help and show kindness to the older women in the family but don't let them take whats yours.

wellamI1981 · 31/05/2011 18:28

That is very interesting beesimo!! Explains why GPs go slightly bonkers when a baby arrives!

SisterCarrie · 31/05/2011 18:30

I was forced to let a BFing DS be taken out - ostensibly for a walk to get him to sleep, but in actual fact to traipse round to her friend's house where a whole pile of her mates were having a coffee morning - by MIL at about 10 days old. He was demented by the time she brought him back as she had kept him awake to show him to them and had passed him around all the guests. There have been a few other times since then where I was again forced to give her and FIL "another chance", each of which has ended in tears (DS's and occasionally mine), so I'm not planning on caving in again. I wish I had known about MN before I had DS as I would have been far more prepared to say NO in the face of the ongoing pressure from DP and his mother.

So don't do it if you don't feel like it. And if you do want a break, and feel confident in the other person's ability to look after a baby, then do it! DP and I went to a wedding last week, my mum had DS all day, put him to bed etc and all was well - he slept from 7-7 with not a peep!

beesimo · 31/05/2011 18:40

If you watch some GMs especially a 'darling lads' Mam will take the baby from the new Mam 'the not really good enough DIL' nicely at the bedside/sofa then stand up and walk away from the Mam even going from the living room to the kitchen ect for no apparent reason. You can always tell 'there's going to be bother in this house before a years out'

There's deep waters flowing sometimes.

diddl · 31/05/2011 18:53

What amazed me was the possessiveness I felt.

I knew that neither GM would hurt the baby & that they were both chuffed to be GMs.

But part of me felt-you´ve had your turn at being a mum, now it´s mine.

moomin156 · 31/05/2011 18:53

my LO is 9 weeks old ( but was born 11 weeks early) and we have had her home for 4 weeks. My parents have had her for a couple of hours whilst we went to a diy store etc. my dad took her for a walk in the pram......he is so proud and he just wanted to show her off (not that he actually met anyone in the villiage). i trust my parents and have no problem with it but you do what you are happy with and dont feel obliged to do what they want. I wouldnt leave with MIL even for 5 minutes........completely different character and age. I worry that she cant look after herself let alone my DD.Trust your instinct

diddl · 31/05/2011 18:55

"stand up and walk away from the Mam even going from the living room to the kitchen ect for no apparent reason."

Funnily enough, my MIL would do that-always tried to be on her own with them-I would follow her

Whereas my own mum always wanted to include me.

Bogeyface · 31/05/2011 19:00

I am due now (well last week actually!) and I can fully sympathise with the "incubator-on-legs" feeling. I feel that I need to remind certain people that I am not having this baby for their convenience and fun! It has caused some ructions, I am being selfish and cruel apparantly but bollocks to them!

I do not give into demands or emotional blackmail and neither should you. Regardless of your feeding method, you do no "have to allow" anything. This is YOUR baby, YOUR family, YOUR choice.

You have the control here, so dont forget that and dont let them forget that either.

Good luck and enjoy your baby when s/he comes :)

Hormoneoverload · 31/05/2011 19:13

I still remember my sister telling me she was just going to take ds, prob six weeks old, for a walk in the pram to the shops and the rising panic I felt before managing to explain that although I was being irrational that that wasn't going to happen. No problem either way but I think you have to be firm in a nice way otherwise you'll be upset.

wellamI1981 · 31/05/2011 19:15

My MIL would have ridiculous rants when I was pregnant - what DC should and shouldn't wear, names she liked etc etc. I nipped it in the bud saying 'I'll do it my way'. She effectively took over my wedding planning and I vowed things WOULD NOT be the same with our baby. When she occasionally tries with the advice now I make my feelings known - I'm no longer a naive young thing.

Beesimo! You are so right. I have a mouth in my head now though and won't allow such shenanigans - my close friend does though as she is far too shy to make her feelings clear. My in laws are lovely people - it just must be some weird, unstoppable instinct.

Sistercarrie- that is awful!!!! Doesn't surprise me a jot though. MIL was on about taking DC to workplace in the first few days! Ha! I have barely been over the doorstep myself - never mind allowing a BF baby to venture into a city with MIL to be passed around like a prized turkey! I am vowing to remember all these feelings so I don't subject potential DILs to the same.

OP nip it in the bud with a few well-placed barbed replies and they should get the picture.

catwhiskers10 · 31/05/2011 19:15

My MIL did the walking out the room thing too! I felt she couldn't bear to see me holding DD. You could see her itching to take her off me and if she was holding DD and she started to cry she would always hand her back to DH, never to me. Plus she used to call her 'daddys girl' all the time.
The thing is we get on well and she's a really nice woman, she just seemed to get really stereotypical MIL-ish after DD was born (she's got several GC so it's not like DD was the first).
She's back to normal now thank goodness (or maybe I'm less sensitive?).
I do love it though now DD is older she will run away from MIL and come to me.

HappyAsASandboy · 31/05/2011 19:20

Nothing to add really, but just wanted to reinforce the smile-and-evade advice and agree that it should all be done at your own pace.

I have twins and I didn't leave them for a minute until about 8 weeks, when I left them for about 8 hours to go to a work thing. They stayed in my house, with my mum to watch them. My mum had been really involved right from the start, staying over one night a week. So she knew them, they knew her, she knew their needs, expressions, quirks. She stayed in all day where everything was on hand and nothing unexpected was likely to happen (it was also winter, so she didn't want to go out!). I have since left them with DH for up to about 3 hours, and with my mum for up to about 5 hours, on about 5 occasions. They're 7 months old now!

So basically you have to do whatever feels right for you. Your baby, your rules. No need to indulge other peoples need to push the pram around gloating - this is a new baby, not a new dolly.

Good luck and stick to your wishes :-)

skybluepearl · 31/05/2011 19:21

if you are BFing then you will be with baby non stop for months and months until you can work out when his normal feeding times are. Even then you might not want to let him go off with relatives for even an hour or two. I could just about manage an hour leaving babies with hubby - but no one else.

PenguinArmy · 31/05/2011 19:25

As always with this thing there's a difference between someone taking you rbaby to help you and you still have some control versus someone who actively wants to take them (pretends it's to help you when it has to be done fully on their timings so is of no help whatever). It's puts a massive pressure on things and you spend your time trying to arrange the logistics to make it work.

vintageteacups · 31/05/2011 19:31

I think this is a big miscenception of parents and inlaws and actually, it can seem really unatural handing over your baby to someone to take out for you.

Instead, be firm and assertive and say that actually, it'd be more of a help if they could do your weekly shop/some washing/cooking etc. Say you need time with the baby and you're not feeling up to letting him/her go off with anyone without you yet.

You could always offer to go for a little walk with them to get out for a bit but it's your baby and I think it'd be strange for parents/in laws to ask to take out a newborn for a good while at least.

wellamI1981 · 31/05/2011 19:35

Couldn't agree more skyblue. I have been a 10 minute car drive away max the 2 times I've left DC with husband when I was confident DS was just fed and would go for an hour or two. The second time he needed a top up so I had to rush home at breakneck speed. All this malarkey is forgotten by GPs I find. The ludicrous thing is when I asked MIL when the first time she left DH was FIL piped up "oh not until he was two"!!!!!!! OP maybe you could kindly ask that question of your MIL as a little reminder.

foreverondiet · 31/05/2011 20:21

Depends on what they mean.

If they mean walk around the block with the baby in their pram for an hour while you sleep, then from birth, if they mean take the baby back to their house for several hours then probably not for a while.

I did a full keep in touch day at work when DS2 was 10 weeks old, left him with my mum and several bottles of expressed milk and I had to take my breastpump to work.

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