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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Another bloody MIL thread...

43 replies

JingleMum · 31/05/2011 14:29

firstly, apologies as i know some people get annoyed by these threads with their being a fair amount of them.

secondly, let me just start off by saying i care very much for MIL, she's a lovely woman and i enjoy her company occassionally, she's also a good nanna to DD.

ok... a few months ago i posted a thread here about MIL taking care of DD one day per week and the fact that i felt like it was starting to go a bit wrong -if you can be arsed and want to have a nose then here it is -

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/1155910-MIL-is-she-or-am-i/AllOnOnePage

anyway... she takes care of DD one day per week whilst i'm studying, she asked me if she could, as she doesn't work and would enjoy the quality time with DD, i agreed, DD goes to nursery the other 2 days. I'm off from college this week and have made plans to spend some quality time with DD all week, which means that i don't want MIL to take care of DD as i want her myself. i have asked MIL to come to our house this evening to see DD and have dinner with us instead, MIL agreed.

MIL phoned me today and said her sister is "desperate" to see DD so she'd take her over tomorrow. i explained that i was keeping DD all week and had plans so she could take her next week, she said "ok then, i'll take her on thursday or friday" i said "no, take her next week when i'm in college, i've got plans all week with her and want to spend some quality time with her" she then repeated that her sister weas desperate to see DD. if you've read the link i've posted, this is the same issue we had last time, and i felt awkward then and i feel awkward now. i don't want any issues, i want us all to get along but i don't like it when she does this, it makes me feel uncomfortable. i did say this last time and i thought she'd take notice. i am up the wall with mountains of course work and lately it's very rare that i get to spend quality time with DD and i feel guilty over it, otherwise i'd have no problem with her taking DD to see her sister.

another thing on my mind is that i'm going self employed in july and have already arranged for DD to do 3 full days in nursery whilst i work. i therefore don't want to continue with the arrangement of MIL having DD one day per week, as the days i am not working i would like to spend time with her. maybe every other week i won't mind her taking DD for the day or the 3 of us can do something together, but i don't want to have to commit to handing DD over when i'm not working.

AIBU and what would you do in my situation?

OP posts:

Original poster

JingleMum · 31/05/2011 14:32

link to other thread wouldn't work??? apologies.

OP posts:

belledechocchipcookie · 31/05/2011 14:33

Just be firm with her. Don't change your plans, I'm sure her sister can wait until next week. As for July, I'd let her continue to have her for 1 day a week rather then put her in the nursery. She must enjoy spending time with her.

TootTootLick · 31/05/2011 14:33

I remember the other thread. She's not listening to you is she! It sounds to me that she doesn't respect your place as the mother and understand her own as the grandmother.

MonstaMunch · 31/05/2011 14:35

Id prefer my kids to be with my mum if I was working, not stuck in a nursery, but thats just me :)

Clytaemnestra · 31/05/2011 14:38

Just keep repeating yourself "No, we've already arranged to spend the week together". Smile when you say it. You don't need to justify yourself, just keep saying no :)

Original poster

JingleMum · 31/05/2011 14:45

thanks for the replies so far

MonstaMunch and belledechocchipcookie MIL has let me down countless time due to ill health or going on holiday, that's fair enough and can't be helped, but it's no good to me when i have clients that are expecting me, i won't compromise on that, DD loves nursery and that's where she'll be going when i'm working.

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belledechocchipcookie · 31/05/2011 14:51

Ah, fair enough. I have a MIL equally as 'forgetful,' she forgot to collect ds from school once. It was lucky that I'd left work early and was at home. Be firm with her, stand your ground but do arrange other times when she can see your DD.

SenoritaViva · 31/05/2011 14:56

JingleMum you are doing the right thing, stick to your guns. Was also going to suggest she continues in July but your reasoning is utterly reasonable.

Original poster

JingleMum · 31/05/2011 14:58

belledechocchipcookie that's the thing though, i've already told MIL that DD will be going to nursery when i'm working, but i didn't turn around and tell her that i don't want to keep up with the arrangement of MIL having her 1 day per week, i kind of assumed she would understand that. i would rather that we went to MIL's for a visit once a week or MIL comes here or she can take her out every other week, but i don't want to agree to set times and days every week IYSWIM? so my problem is, what if MIL phones and i've already made plans for the day she wants to see DD, i'm sure she'll think i'm being funny? i also think that she used to having DD one day a week alone and won't be happy about it changing, but it's tough! i have no problem with her having her alone, just not every week, i'd prefer to mix it up a bit as in we all visit MIL together one week, then next week MIL takes DD the park etc.. as that way i don't keep having to change plans.

OP posts:

Original poster

JingleMum · 31/05/2011 14:59

thank you SenoritaViva

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TootTootLick · 31/05/2011 15:02

She sounds quite possessive of your DD. Is she lonely do you think? Maybe her fixed days help her get through the week?

You need to be very, very firm with someone like that who just doesn't listen or dismisses you.

diddl · 31/05/2011 15:04

Looking at it from the other side, though-she helps you out once a week-admittedly it benefits her as well, but now that it doesn´t suit you, it´s all change!

I see that things have gone wrong, she isn´t listening & you are going to end it-but not until it suits you.

I does seem like a lot of take on your side & no give tbh.

SenoritaViva · 31/05/2011 15:04

In answer to your next questions, I'd probably say make sure you call her every now and again and say, 'this week is getting so booked up, do you want to come to tea on Tuesday?' Or, we're going tot he park this afternoon, do you want to come etc. That will make her feel wanted and not shut out as you're being proactive.

PurpleCrazyHorse · 31/05/2011 15:05

You have to stick to your guns over this week and try not to worry about it. Regarding moving to using a nursery for all the days, I think you need to be a bit sensitive. Not to say 'don't do it' but just to break it to her gently and maybe to offer an alternative. Seems as you're paying for all the days at nursery you could see if your MIL would like to have DD on one of those days once or twice a month. The nursery is still there as a backup in case she's ill but she's still having time with your DD.

Another alternative might be an overnight stay with your MIL. We do this with our PIL and it gives DH and I a night to ourselves and them precious time with DD.

lizziemun · 31/05/2011 15:13

here is the other thread

Longtalljosie · 31/05/2011 15:14

Basically, this is an alpha-female fight. Don't blink first. You do actually have the power even though it doesn't feel like it. Allow a bit of irritation to show. Say something mild like, "For heavens' sake! Surely you can understand I want to make the most of the time with DD, I'm sure you were the same with DP" - something that reminds her she is not the most important person here.

Asking questions like "Did DP spend a lot of time with his gran then?" might help her transpose the situation back a generation so she can remember how things were with her own MIL, if you see what I mean.

Original poster

JingleMum · 31/05/2011 15:16

diddl it's worked for us all over the last year whilst i've been studying, although there has been quite a few times when MIL has let me down and i've missed college (6 times since january) my own mother has also had to call in work sick when MIL let me down last week otherwise i would had missed my exams. to be honest, i though grandparents were there to help out, and to spend time with grandchildren when it suited everyone, i didn't realise that they were entitled to set days. i give alot actually, i always make sure MIL is included in everything and have changed my plans plenty of times for her.. and yes, now that it doesn't suit me it is all change, i'm the mother and i don't need to be making my life more complicated than it already is, although this certainly doesn't mean that MIL will no longer be involved, she's loved and wanted and won't be pushed out, but things will have to change a bit.

TootTootlick no, she's not lonely. she alway on holiday or weekend breaks alot and has a decent social life with FIL.

SenoritaViva yes, i think that is what i'll have to do, ring her once a week to make plans.

OP posts:

Original poster

JingleMum · 31/05/2011 15:19

lizziemum thank you

Longtalljosie thank you for your reply, DP barely spent any time with his paternal grandmother, but spent tons with his maternal grandmother. from what i've heard MIL was really funny about spending time with her own MIL, it may be justified, i don't know, but i know it's FIL's biggest regret that his kids weren't closer to his mother.

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TootTootLick · 31/05/2011 15:20

Do what Longtalljosie suggested.

orchidee · 31/05/2011 15:20

You've been clear with her and she's ignoring the agreement. It's important that you spend time with your daughter this week, plus the 'sister is desperate to see her' story- could it be a fib by mil to get her own way? Otherwise it seems a bit odd. Be firm or she'll think she's in charge. Also, eventually your daughter will be at school 5 days a week, what happens then?

diddl · 31/05/2011 15:23

Yes, but the set days when MIL looks after her are to your advantage also.

Why didn´t you stop the arrangement the forst time something went wrong?

TBH, you´ve told her no & that´s it, and it´s not as if it means she won´t be seeing her GC anymore!

TootTootLick · 31/05/2011 15:25

You know what you should do. Call the sister and take your dc over. That will stop MIL using that as a cover story if that's what it is.

Original poster

JingleMum · 31/05/2011 15:29

orchidee hmm.. she used this story last time i was off college and had plans with DD, so i wonder if you could be on to something? if not, then she clearly doesn't like telling her sister that she can't see her that week.

diddl it was agreed that for the year i was studying MIL would have DD one day per week, it felt wrong to put a stop to the agreement the first time MIL let me down. i wouldn't do that to her, even though it's made my own life more stressful. but now from july it's time to stop, definitely. i just don't think she'll be very happy that she won't continue to have that one certain day a week all to herself with my DD. TBH, i'd be bloody relieved if i was her, my DD is a little madam and as every 20 month old is, she's hard work. my own mum doesn't get one set day per week with DD. i just asked my mum to babysit as and when.

OP posts:

orchidee · 31/05/2011 15:46

I think we can forget the detail and accept that this issue about the day out is a red herring. Your mil has boundary issues. If ignored they will continue and likely worsen with time. It seems to me that you are trying to avoid mil being annoyed with you, but to make that happen you end up being annoyed with yourself as you know she is treating you disrespectfully. Nip it in the bud before your dd picks up on what's happening.

SuchProspects · 31/05/2011 15:51

The sister is "desperate" to see your daughter story is definitely odd. Does her sister have mental health problems? Otherwise, how can you really be so desperate to see someone who isn't part of your immediate family that putting it off for a week is anything other than trivial?

I think you should point that out. Also - how come your mum is taking time off work to cover when MIL couldn't do her regular day rather than your DP? If he had to take some of the flak he might be more likely to push for a more reasonable arrangement (not that he shouldn't be fighting your corner anyway, but experience has a wonderful way of bringing it into perspective).

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