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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Another bloody MIL thread...

43 replies

JingleMum · 31/05/2011 14:29

firstly, apologies as i know some people get annoyed by these threads with their being a fair amount of them.

secondly, let me just start off by saying i care very much for MIL, she's a lovely woman and i enjoy her company occassionally, she's also a good nanna to DD.

ok... a few months ago i posted a thread here about MIL taking care of DD one day per week and the fact that i felt like it was starting to go a bit wrong -if you can be arsed and want to have a nose then here it is -

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/1155910-MIL-is-she-or-am-i/AllOnOnePage

anyway... she takes care of DD one day per week whilst i'm studying, she asked me if she could, as she doesn't work and would enjoy the quality time with DD, i agreed, DD goes to nursery the other 2 days. I'm off from college this week and have made plans to spend some quality time with DD all week, which means that i don't want MIL to take care of DD as i want her myself. i have asked MIL to come to our house this evening to see DD and have dinner with us instead, MIL agreed.

MIL phoned me today and said her sister is "desperate" to see DD so she'd take her over tomorrow. i explained that i was keeping DD all week and had plans so she could take her next week, she said "ok then, i'll take her on thursday or friday" i said "no, take her next week when i'm in college, i've got plans all week with her and want to spend some quality time with her" she then repeated that her sister weas desperate to see DD. if you've read the link i've posted, this is the same issue we had last time, and i felt awkward then and i feel awkward now. i don't want any issues, i want us all to get along but i don't like it when she does this, it makes me feel uncomfortable. i did say this last time and i thought she'd take notice. i am up the wall with mountains of course work and lately it's very rare that i get to spend quality time with DD and i feel guilty over it, otherwise i'd have no problem with her taking DD to see her sister.

another thing on my mind is that i'm going self employed in july and have already arranged for DD to do 3 full days in nursery whilst i work. i therefore don't want to continue with the arrangement of MIL having DD one day per week, as the days i am not working i would like to spend time with her. maybe every other week i won't mind her taking DD for the day or the 3 of us can do something together, but i don't want to have to commit to handing DD over when i'm not working.

AIBU and what would you do in my situation?

OP posts:

Original poster

JingleMum · 31/05/2011 15:57

SuchProspects MIL'S sister adores babies/kids and is eager to see her as often as she can, although it always seems to be when it inteferes with my plans?! i actually said to MIL "well your sister can see her next week when i'm in college, it's not a problem" MIL's answer is always the same "i know but she's desperate to see her as soon as she can" i find it a bit odd aswell. it's lovely that MIL's sister is so interested but she's not seeing her at the expense of me cancelling my plans and MIL doesn't seem to get this?

DP was working away when mum had to call in work sick, he understand where i'm coming from and agrees with how it will be come july, but typically he doesn't get involved and leaves me to deal with it

OP posts:

revolutionscoop · 31/05/2011 15:59

Is your dd her only grandchild?

Original poster

JingleMum · 31/05/2011 16:17

yes revolutionscoop she's also my mum's only grandchild though and my mum doesn't act like this?

OP posts:

poopnscoop · 31/05/2011 16:19

You are mum, you get priority. You are desperate to spend some time with your OWN child.. why on earth would your mil think her sister is more of a priority than you?? Stick to your guns, enjoy the time with your daughter.

vickster11 · 31/05/2011 16:21

When she speaks to you again say no. When she carries on and overrides you. Then use your mummy voice (the voice you use when lo is naughty) and say, stop and listen to me very carefully I said No. You can see her on (give date & day) not before I have plans for my child.

My mil sometimes over rides me I have found going quite on the phone and then saying no we cant do this date ive got a playdate helps. Actually last time I had to say no three times before she listened. Drives me nuts but at least she wants to see my lo. My own mother makes no effort.

Longtalljosie · 31/05/2011 16:24

I also think your DP is going to have to come off the fence on this one. Perhaps talking to him about his paternal grandparents and how little he saw of them in comparison to the efforts you're making. Frankly, one word from him would stop the whole thing in its tracks. All he has to do is ring up and say, "I'm sure you understand, but Jingle is having some one-on-one time this week, that's not a problem is it?" with an understanding that backing down in any way is not an option...

revolutionscoop · 31/05/2011 16:27

Well, yadnbu anyway, just continue to smile politely & stick to your guns where necessary, and as another poster suggested, if she really presses you then show some (mild) irritation before sticking to your guns (again).
Hopefully once your dd is in nursery for all three days and the previous cycle is broken, you'll be able to implement a new pattern re the time she spends with you & her dgd and things will improve. If that makes sense?

revolutionscoop · 31/05/2011 16:29

Longtalljosie, that's an excellent suggestion!

diddl · 31/05/2011 16:30

Well, it´s sad for her, but of course you can turn it the other way & say that she she´s lucky that she´s had it iyswim.

Perhaps you could offer to go to her sister with her for a couple of hrs-then at least the time would be limited & MIL wouldn´t be "calling the shots".

MollyMurphy · 31/05/2011 16:35

YANBU in my opinion - too bad she was having a fit of deafness when you spoke to her last time, forcing awkward repeating of ones self. Its nice that she enjoys time with your LO but she can't demand when she will see her and be pushy about it. She needs to ask, not tell you about her plans with your own DD. Definately though - still arrange to drop her by freqently and go by for lunch etc etc - no harm in that. All you can do is be polite and gracious but also direct and plain spoken about what you need.

Longtalljosie · 31/05/2011 16:35

I'm on fire today

Original poster

JingleMum · 31/05/2011 16:44

all the advice so far has been great, so thank you. i fell like i give an inch and she takes a mile. i want her to see and spend time with DD, i didn't have a very close relationship with my dad's mum and i'm sad about that. i just don't understand why she feels she needs one on one time every week with my DD, that's the problem i'll have from july unfortunately.

DP didn't see his dad's mum alot and certainly didn't have a close relationship with her and DP's older brother didn't see her at all, once he was about 8 he refused to visit her ( ) because he hadn't formed any kind of relationship with her in his younger years (due to hardly ever visiting her with his parents) so really MIL is lucky that i'm not acting the way she did.

OP posts:

hugeleyoutnumbered · 31/05/2011 16:46

sound like your MIL has the lines blurred between mum and grandmum, handle her with a firm hand, agree re nursery place, wouldn't want to be let down at last min as can offen happen with family caring for your dc, good luck

MollyMurphy · 31/05/2011 16:47

Oooh I just took a gander at your other thread - hello boundary problems and ongoing fits of deafness. Yeup, you need to stay polite but firm IMO - YADNBU.

CaurnieBred · 31/05/2011 16:49

The arrangement we had with PiL was that each week they would pick up DD early from nursery one of the three days she was there. This meant they could have time alone with her and then we would all have tea together once DH and I got home for lunch. This also had the benefit of freeing up the weekends as we didn't have to make time to see them then (my parents don't live locally so we don't have to factor them in). This worked well as they didn't need to have a "set" day to see DD and if they were away or sick she could just stay at nursery until DH and I could collect her. It also meant on my 2 days off from work DD and I could do our things without worrying about spending time with PiL. Would this be worth proposing to MiL?

DuelingFanjo · 31/05/2011 16:50

I remember your old thread. I think TootTootLick's suggestion is a good one too.

CaurnieBred · 31/05/2011 16:56

Doh - meant dinner - not lunch!

Longtalljosie · 31/05/2011 17:11

I think hugelyoutnumbered has it - so to counteract that you need to use turns of phrase which underscore the relationship as it actually is. Phrases like - "we need some mother-daughter time". Which will be hard for her to repeat in an outraged manner without someone pointing out that that's fair enough.

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