parents think it's all my fault...

[inanna12]

i am in the middle of a huge row with my parents. in brief - i was not a terrible teenager (no drink/drug/police etc incidents), but i wasn't particularly lovely to my parents either. my relationship with my dad became very difficult; i feel that i had very little of an actual relationship with him at all (no emotional input or interest in my (selfish, frivolous teenage) world). we are now at a point where i recognise that i need to let the abandonment i felt - and still feel, if i'm honest - and the subsequent resentment go if we are to have any kind of relationship. when i bring it up with my parents, their attitude is "we did our best" and "you'll understand how parents fuck up their kids when you're older". they refuse to admit any responsibility, and think that the only "problem" they have is with the fact that i have a problem with them.
aibu to want them to communicate properly with me about this, and to find the inference that it is all my fault that our relationship is poor, and therefore my responsibility to fix offensive?
constructive replies please. i am fresh from a 4 hour character assassination session with them yesterday and am raw. (also waiting to hear from my dh, who is about to speak to my dad, who is "worried about my mental health" (resorting to calling me mad), so very nervy).

I should say that screaming is normal in the face of intense frustration but I don't necessarily think it achieves anything. Sometimes it can - it lets others know you are at the end of your tether. Sometimes, it doesn't like it didn't for the OP.

I meant the family seem to create drama. Just like the 4 hour episode. For starters, the OP needs to walk away when any of that starts up. My point is that they are having these huge rows because everyone is piling in.

Just re-read your post Niecie.

I think it does help to take responsibility even if others don't. This is the heart of Al-anon which helped me a lot. If you keep the focus on yourself and change your behaviour it does change things. The parents in this post can't have huge rows without the OP, for example. Al-anon also taught me that trying to change other people is nearly always a total waste of time. The OP can have a very happy life even without her parents' approval.

thanks for the positivity re al-anon, nome. while i know in theory that i am only responsible for me, i feel very tangled in all this.
tbh i would rather have huge rows that another 20 years if brushing it all under the carpet. that doesn't mean i thrive on drama and conflict, just that i a family that doesn't really talk, it's a huge relief to have it out in the open. which doesn't justify upset caused, i know.

inanna, your parents do not sound very normal. Perhaps you should read a couple of books, starting with "toxic parents" to see if your parents are toxic and have made you "scapegoat child". The fact that they never really talk about your brother's addiction sugggests they are emotionally closed off. However if they are using phrases such as "you are over sensitive" "you are mad" "you have a problem" "you over dramatise" then this sends a big red flag that they are toxic parents and are using you as a scapegoat.

Look up the Stately HOmes thread to see if in fact your parents are toxic. If they are, you should not feel guiltly.

Inanna, I feel so much empathy with you. And I agree with niecie, people don't become addicts for no reason. Addictions are a way of escaping pain. I had to laugh, sorry, when you said you are 36. I was imagining a 22 year old, someone just out of the parent's home.

I would advise that you do encourage your DH to stay well out of it, and definitely not have any sort of conversation with your parent's about the state of your mental health. Nothing good can come of it, and he has to remain on your side or this situation will affect your marriage. Teenagers push boundaries and assert themselves, it is part of their development and is normal. You hardly sound like you were a big handful, unless you have missed mentioning a teen pregnancy, going missing for weeks on end, drink/drug problems, burning down their house, or borstal.

You sound like you need to detach from your parents emotionally and put up boundaries with them. I think you will not usefully be able to 'sort out' the past with them, and so the only way is to detach (untangle!) from them, work on your own self-esteem and make your own life wonderful independent of interaction with them, and move on by setting strong boundaries with them (let them know that you will not accept them criticising you for the past). You are not responsible for their happiness and how they react and vice versa. And should not have to put up with a 4 hour character assassination about things that happened 20 + years ago (I would have flipped too).

Also you need to not expect a particular response from them when you express your feelings of anger that you were neglected emotionally as a teen, if they were dysfunctional then, they will still have those issues within themselves and you cannot expect them to behave normally. They will not have the capability to realise that they were anything but perfect, hence the phrase toxic. You need to learn to let it go, write a no-send letter (see toxic parents book) expressing why you feel the way you do, and realise that the healing has to come from within you. You may never have the disney relationship you want with them, but you can have one where you are in control of your feelings and can control what you will accept from them.

There are so many resources out there to help you do this, therapy, self-help books, web sites. Toxic parents by Susan Forward is a good one and helps you work through the issues you describe, but better (I think) is CBT for Dummies which concentrates on your own emotional well-being and ways of dealing with situations from within you (it is written by two psychiatrists from the Priory). Non violent communication by M. Rosenberg, is supposed to be good, basically teaches you to change the way you phrase things that receives a better response from people. Boundaries by H. Cloud is quite good, and helps you learn why boundaries are needed and how to set them up.

Good luck.

Sorry, when I said I had to laugh at you being 36, it was not at you but at the way your parents still seem to treat you as if you were very young. You do not need to accept it!!

Also, you were the child in the relationship with your parents, and I strongly feel that parents can not hold a child responsible for their poor parenting. If you felt neglected no wonder you were 'difficult'. That was not your fault or your responsibility to make good for.

thanks, living, for suggestions and empathy. have ordered book by s forward. you are entitled to find the age thing amusing; it is rather laughable in a tragi-comic way!

I'm nearly 36. I have a strained relationship with my parents - some echoes in your posts of how it is for me. Though my parents are completely in the 'brush it under the carpet' brigade. The few times they have instigated discussion about our relationship they have been accusatory and attacked me verbally. They have also been contradictory (in particular with regard to my relationship with my sister).

For many years I had as little contact with them as possible, and during this time had to deal with my own emotions and coping strategies.
Contact is far more regular since i made them Grandparents. But now i avoid at all costs any discussions/topics which will kick off all the hassle again.
Not so long ago my mother made reference to my school days/education, completely ignoring the fact that what happened was a direct consequence of her refusal to be the bloody adult and help me when I needed it.

My parents will never accept their part in this. I have admitted to the behaviour I displayed as a teen (which quite frankly was mild, but not when put against their ideal of how i should have behaved).......
I know that I will never get what I need from them so I have dealt with it internally in my own way.

It sounds to me like you need to place firm boundaries, step back from them and get yourself help to come to terms with this. because it doesn't sound like they will ever meet you halfway....

I often wonder when I read threads like this, if teenage years were invented to get bad parents off the hook.

After all, if you were less than perfect as a teen (who wasnt) then the fact that they were shit selfish parents all the way up to that point is forgotton.

Inanna, I think there are so many people out there in their 30s (or older) in the same position, exactly because that is roughly the age where they have settled down, married, started having children, getting more responsibilities and realised that something in their childhood was wrong, at the same time as their parents are getting more demanding because they are losing their 'children'/getting old/wanting to see their grandchildren. It seems to me that it is the 'new teenage' age of resetting boundaries and relationships. Either that or end up in therapy for depression or other issues. You deserve to be happy. And no child can ever be expected to live up to an adult's ideal. Every person is amazing the way they are, otherwise life would be very boring.

Was just thinking there are lots of books out there on inner child therapy too, which might be of interest (e.g. Bradshaw's home coming).

living, you're really being very helpful. thank you (and others too). i don't think mine is a unique problem; it's just that i can't really live with it being the way it has been any longer.
just spoke to dh who spoke to both my p's this afternoon. have children with me so didn't get full transcript. however, dh said he had mentioned to my father that he (dad) had shouted at me about not getting to qalk me up the aisle (posted that earlier i think). my dad says he never said that.

Parents have selective memory. Nothing you can do about that, except hope it is not indicative of a future problem with dementia and bite your tongue. Mine drive me crazy like that.

Of course you can't live like you are. It would drive you crazy. But the change has to be inside you, in how you deal with the situation. And that is a positive thing, so much easier to change your feelings and behaviour, than others'.

Just to second livinginazoo. I would be very careful about continuing with the rows. From what you have said, OP, nothing will change and everyone will just get more angry and hurtful. You could go to Al-anon, you qualify through your brother i.e. having a family member or friend who is an addict, recovering or not.
I think everyone should go to Al-anon. It teaches you to be responsible for your own thoughts and actions and to set boundaries for everyone else. At first, it got on my nerves - I didn't want the addict in my life who was my abusive ex-husband to be "let off the hook". But really I was only hurting myself by focussing so much on him. I noticed that the happiest people in the room were those who had detached which teded to mean limited contact. When I let go, and took full responsibility for my part - which was marrying the loon in the first place for all the wrong reasons despite umpteen warning signs - it was incredibly liberating but also frightening because I couldn't blame anyone else for my unhappiness. I grew up in Al-anon and stopped being a self-professed victim. I am now 45 and I have yet to meet anyone who changed because someone else told them to!
As they say in Al-anon, holding onto a resentment against someone else is like drinking a bottle of poison and hoping they will die.

Your dad is gaslighting. Don't for a second doubt your version of events - he obviously can't help twisting things.

livinginazoo is right - you can't change other people, you can only change the way your react to them. That is where counselling comes in - to help you achieve some peace. I think, judging by your father's remarks to your DH today you are not going to make much headway with family therapy even if you did get your parents into counselling with you. They would have to want to change and they clearly don't. Take care of yourself and your family and keep your parents at arms length. Keep the relationship polite but distant - I doubt you are going to get a satsifactory response from them so do what you need to do to make yourself happy.

I wasn't outrageous in my youth but still found myself judged to be a black sheep by my religiously obsessive family. My parents refused to think that they were anything but perfect all those years ago despite me having an unbalanced upbringing. We talked and talked about it over the years but they didn't understand as they deeply believed they were right. They wanted to go down the 'we don't talk about things that upset us' route while i wanted to discuss everything in details to get it out in the open. In the end i wrote my mum a letter and put everything in it, that i loved them, that I acted the way i did as i was deeply unhappy with my childhood home life, that i felt judged, rejected, my needs emotional neglected. That despite being very happy within my present day family life, i still carried the scars of my childhood. Mum took it to heart and we seemd to have made some headway now. I think her admitting to the way she parented helped me a lot. Allowed me to move forward a bit and forgive. I truely believe that they just didn't know any better, she parented without reflection and that she was too easily influenced by the church. I'm still not close to Dad but then it's very hard to be close to a workaholic so obsessed by religion and himself. Councelling could be very helpful. Also pretending to be the patient, firm but fair grown up in every discussion even when i secretly felt upset helped. Was quite empowering actually.

Can you ask your dad how can he move forward? Maybe you both have to forgive eachother? Not easy though.